Easier Said Than Done

His face was so close that I could feel his warm breath on my lips, and my heart started to race. At the very last millisecond, I regained my head and shoved him away. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I snapped, standing up so I appeared more powerful than him.

“C’mon, Ellie.” His gaze was intense as he slowly rose to my level, taking away whatever feelings of grandeur I had. “Are you trying to tell me that you didn’t want to kiss me?”

“I’m with Sam, now, Puck,” I reminded him not-so-kindly. “I don’t know if you forgot that.”

“Who cares? Both of us know that you don’t like him as much as me.”

“Whatever happened to Zizes, you pig?” I crossed my arms in front of my chest, suddenly irritated when I mentioned her. Even though she’d never done anything to me personally (yet), my blood boiled involuntarily whenever her name was mentioned.

“Oh, please.” He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Zizes was just a distraction and an object to make you jealous. Which clearly worked, since I see you watching us all the time.”

I opened my mouth to object, but his mouth kept running. “Oh, and I saw you at Breadstix the other night with Sam and Aileen. Did you really think that you were being sneaky, gawking at us like you were?”

“I was not gawking.” My face burned bright red. “And gee, you couldn’t have come over to say hi?”

“That wasn’t the plan.” He took a step toward me, so I responded by stumbling backward. “Are you trying to play like you’re no longer attracted to me?”

“Are you trying to make things uncomfortable and tense between us again?” I retorted. “’Cause here I was, thinking that we were making real progress.”

Puck shook his head, like the idea was kind of pathetic. “That song really moved me, Red.” I winced at the nickname, realizing what it signified. “And…God, you’re really going to make me say this: I still love you. I didn’t stop. And now knowing that you didn’t really want to break up with me just proves that we should be back together!”

I stared in his eyes, remembering everything that we ever shared, good and bad. It was just…too much. “We have way too many issues to be a couple again, Puck.”

What the hell was wrong with me?! I should be saying that it didn’t matter what he felt because it wasn’t reciprocated. That I liked Sam now, totally moved on from the likes of Puckerman. That I liked Sam even more than I ever liked Puck. That I had more fun with Sam.

And yet I couldn’t. Because I don’t like lying to myself.

“What are you talking about? There are some old married people who have cheated on each other, and other horrible shit, and they got over it without divorcing.”

“Well, you did cheat on me,” I recalled. “And things got awkward between us after we slept together. Which you already knew.”

“But it doesn’t have to be. I swear that even though we already did the nasty, you don’t have to do it again until you’re totally sure that you’re ready.”

My temper exploded, even though his last statement was supposed to serve as a calming reassurance. “What do you think this is, Puckerman?! Some cheesy romance novel where I’ll fall into your arms and we run off into the sunset? Well, it’s not. Welcome to real life! It doesn’t fucking work that way. I’m with Sam. Now get over yourself and move on before I really get pissed off.”

He took a step back, his face taking on an expression that looked like I had slapped him with all my might. Immediately, I regretted my rant.

“Fine. If that’s what you want.” He returned to a stony demeanor and took a step back. “But you know, you’re guilty of it, too. Why don’t you stop watching me wherever I go, fawning over my like some preteen with a sappy little crush? ‘Cause you’re the one giving me false signals here.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I mumbled.

“Bullshit.” He scoffed before looking at me with a look that was so mean, it made me shudder. “You know what? Part of the reason I liked you so much was that I thought you were innocent, real. You didn’t take my shit, didn’t let me walk all over you. That was so sexy. And now…I find out that you’re no different than Santana. You just live for teasing me, playing mind games with me. I’m sick of it.”

“Puck, I wasn’t trying to-”

“Shove it up your ass.” He turned around, and when he spoke again, there was a mocking, sarcastic tone to it. “Oh, and nice idea for making things better between us. I feel loads better.”

My eyes closed, controlling my emotions, and when I opened them again, he was gone.

Looking around me, I saw nothing but the serene park, the hill, the grass, the trees. They all looked so calm, like life was supposed to be good.

Too bad life totally sucked. It was confusing, and I had no idea how to fix anything without making everyone miserable.

Especially myself.

“What did I do?!” I screamed at the sky, hoping someone was listening. “What the hell did I do to make you hate me? To gain so much bad fucking karma?!”

“Um…Ellie?” a voice questioned from behind me.

I could feel all the blood rush to my face as I turned to face a very confused Kurt and Blaine. They were holding hands, but I was too caught up in my embarrassment in the moment to freak about how cute they were.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” I admitted, blinking a couple of times. There was no way I was going to start bawling like a baby in front of Blaine. I barely knew him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I stayed silent, but Kurt seemed to take that as a yes.

“Um, I’ll drive you both to Kurt’s house,” Blaine suggested uncomfortably. I felt badly for the poor guy. He clearly knew that I was on the brink of a mental breakdown, considering he’d just seen me shouting at the clouds. He probably thought I was completely insane.

Whatever. It wasn’t like he was too far off-base these days.

Once we were at Kurt’s house, we went immediately to his bedroom. We ran past Finn on the way up. He had a basketball in hand, looking like he was about to go shoot hoops outside.

“Hey, Ellie,” he greeted.

I grunted in response, to which Kurt couldn’t even suppress a small giggle.

Kurt threw open the door to his room, and I flopped down on his bed, finally allowing myself to lose it.

He just rubbed circles on my back as I sobbed, waiting patiently for me to regain my cool so I’d talk to him. Explain my issues away.

As if it was really that easy.