Time Will Tell

“What do I do?” I ask, tired.

“You stay,” Erin answers automatically. “And you go talk to him.”

“But she doesn’t feel the same way about him,” Kim interjects. “It’s possible that she could never fully remember him, and if she stayed she would just be stringing him along, making him think that she’s one hundred percent devoted to him, and she’s not.”

“You make a legitimate point, dear, sweet, Kim, but I know more about how she felt for Noah than you do, and the bottom line is, she needs to stay,” Erin says sweetly, but with a hard edge that I know means she doesn’t like people undermining her.

“Maybe she didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to me about her and Noah’s sex life and how gooey he made her feel and all that shit, but I do know my sister, and I’ve known her longer then you. She wants to leave, and the way things are looking, she’s not going to remember Noah. At least not any time soon. So I say she leaves, and it’s not like they have to break up. It would be long distance is all. If he really loved her he would understand.”

“But Grace wouldn’t,” Erin points out, exasperated. “Grace would wonder where Teagan went.”

“Well that’s not Teagan’s problem! It’s not her baby, s if she wants to leave, she shouldn’t let her boyfriend’s baby hold her back!”

“But it is my baby!” I shout. “I love her, she’s mine so let’s not use that argument anymore, alright?”

Kim takes my hands. “But sweetie, she’s not. I know you feel like she is, but what if you did stay and then later down the road you and Noah break up? Do you know who gets Grace? Do you know that even if you two ended on good terms, and he said he wanted you to see Grace that eventually things wouldn’t work out that way anymore? You’d both meet new people and you’d have children of your own and I just don’t think this relationship is worth continuing. But if you leave, and you could still make things work with him, then you’d prove me wrong. I just don’t think you should stay just for Grace’s sake. She’s a baby, she’ll miss you at first, but as she grows up she’ll forget all about it, but if you stay and break up with Noah later and she’s old enough to remember you, it could hurt her for the rest of her life. I know you want to stay for her, but I think that the smart thing to do is to leave for her.”

“That’s the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard.” Erin snorts, leaning back on my couch and crossing her arms over her chest.

“And why is that?” Kim asks, rolling her eyes.

“Because, have you seen them together?” Erin asks. “Maybe Teagan didn’t push Grace out of her vagina, but she’s the baby’s fucking mom. How would you feel if you were forced to leave Emma?” Kim makes a face. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. That’s how Teagan feels.”

Brian, Kim’s husband, walks in and plops down in the recliner with a bowl of my mom’s spaghetti. He starts shoveling it in his mouth while he watches Ridiculousness.

“Fine, whatever, but that doesn’t mean she can’t still leave. So she doesn’t see her as much, but she’s still there for her. I think it’s a legitimate point. Grace is not her baby, so she can leave, but she feels like Grace is her baby, so she doesn’t break things off with Noah and sees them both as often as she can.”

“That’s stupid because then Teagan is going to miss them like crazy and they’re going to miss her like crazy, and there are plenty of colleges around here she can go to. Then they can all be happy.”

“But I think Kim has a point,” I say quietly, my heart hurting thinking about it.

“About what?” Erin gasps, glaring over at Kim’s smug smile.

“If me and Noah break up I don’t have any say anymore on anything Grace related because she isn’t mine no matter how much I feel like she is. I won’t get to see her anymore and eventually she’ll forget all about me. So what’s the point in staying and waiting for that?”

“You don’t know for sure that’s going to happen, Teagan,” Erin says softly. “You and Noah are so great for each other. You’ve been through hell and back with this guy, honey. So he made a few mistakes, and I know that you don’t remember them, and I hated him for hurting you like that and I know Kim did, too, but I know that even she’ll agree with me when I say that he’s definitely proven himself. He deserves someone amazing, because he really is a great guy, and you make him happy. I can see it every time he looks at you.”

Kim nods. “You’re good for him, and he’s good for you. But you aren’t feeling it, so I still say leave. Get some space. Take time to yourself to just think things over and make sure you’re doing the right thing.”

Erin is shaking her head, but she doesn’t comment.

“Y’all are going about this all the wrong way,” Brian says, his eyes still glued to the TV.

“And how is that?” Kim asks him, putting her hands defiantly on her hips.

“How old is this baby? One?” he asks.

“Her birthday is in two weeks,” I answer. “She’ll be two.”

He nods thoughtfully. “Alright, so why can’t you just stay another year and attend a college around here – see if you can get your memory back, and then after a year if you still aren’t feeling it, call it quits and go to one of them far away colleges and start over from scratch. Grace’ll only be three and I sure as hell don’t remember anything from when I was three, so she’ll still be too young for you leavin’ to hurt her in the long run.” He shrugs and shovels his food into his mouth.

Erin is grinning. “That’s brilliant!” she squeals, excited. “Do that, Teag! Stay for a year, or at least a semester and see how things go!”

Kim is frowning. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Nice backing me up, sweetheart,” Brian says sarcastically, shrugging his shoulders.

“Nice backing me up,” she says right back. She turns and looks at me. “I only want what’s best for you, you know that.”

I groan. “I don’t know what to do.” I bury my face in one of my mom’s scratchy decorative couch pillows. “What Brian said makes a whole lot of sense, but I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if me and Noah broke up. Right now, I feel so mixed up about him, but I love Grace, she’s so important to me. I don’t want to lose her, but I think it would be easier on everyone if we called things off now rather than postponing inevitable heartbreak.”

Erin’s face lit up then. Hey next weekend we get a break – two days out of school for teacher work days. What do you say just us girls drive down to the beach. Like a girls weekend. Just me, you, and Kim.” She looks at both of us. “What do you say?”

Kim grins. “I can get off work.”

“But what about Grace? I’ll miss her birthday.” I complain.

“It’s Sunday right? So we hit the beach one last time and then leave around one. We should be back in time for her party. It’s just going to be all of us, right? Your parents, Kim, Emma, Brian, me and you? It’ll be a blast. Come on, please. For me and the sake of my sanity!”

I laugh and nod. It actually does sound pretty good to get away for a while and have time to myself, just thinking about me and having fun with my best friend and my sister.

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Yay!” Erin shouts, jumping up and down and rushing over to hug me. “Hellz yeah! Girls weekend!”

I laugh at her and she starts laughing with me.

“I’ll get dad to call Joe at Pelican Resort and Spa and get us a room,” Kim says, getting up. She starts walking towards his office but pauses at Brian. “Hey, babe, you’re okay with this right? You can handle Emma by yourself for a few days?”

He grins up at her nods. “Yep. You go and have fun – get pampered and whatnot.” She smiles and leans down to kiss his cheek. “But hey, don’t have too much fun!” he calls after her as she walks to my dad’s office. She just shakes her head and then disappears behind the door.

“You think you should talk to Noah about this? Tell him where you’re going?” Erin asks me.

I shrug. “I guess I should tell him, but I’m scared to talk to him. I haven’t seen him since that night he told me that if I left, I left, and then he just walked away. I don’t even know if we’re together anymore.”

“Well, Teag, that was only three days ago. I’ll bet he’s going crazy without you. Just go talk to him about things – tell him you’re going with us to the beach and he won’t be able to reach you for a few days and that you just need a little time to think about things.”

I sigh and nod. I have to. I have to go talk to Noah before I go insane.

**************

I feel absurdly nervous and self-conscious as I knock on Noah’s door. I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer.

The door opened and a very sleepy Noah answered the door. He yawned and then pulled the door open wider, turning on his heel and walking back inside. He didn’t say a word, he just walked away. It stung a little, but I can’t blame him for being upset. I step in and close the door behind me.

I find him in the kitchen, fixing a bottle for Grace.

“Noah,” I say hesitantly. “Can we talk?”

“Sure,” he answers, sounding nonchalant, but I can see how tense he is. “What’s up?”

I walk over to him and put my hand on his arm. “I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I didn’t want to leave things that way… and I just wanted to see you.”

He looks down at me, his face void of emotion. “Well here I am. Was that all you wanted?”

“Well… no. Next week we have a long weekend, and I’m going to the beach with Kim and Erin. I just thought you should know… you know, in case you wanted to talk or anything and I’m not available.”

He shrugs and sets the bottle down. “Where you go is none of my business,” he says simply.

“I…” I don’t know what to say. I know that if I hadn’t told him I was leaving, he would have gotten mad, so why is he acting like he doesn’t care? “I’m sorry, then. I guess I shouldn’t have come.”

I turn and walk out of the kitchen and make my way towards the front door. I feel embarrassed and stupid. I feel like I’m going to cry. I wipe a tear from my cheek when I feel his hand on my shoulder.

“Stop,” he says. I turn to face him but I can’t meet his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I know I’m being unfair. I’m just… hurt, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“I just need some time to think,” I answer him. “I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think that maybe we’re worth all the trouble, and other times I think it would be better to just end things now.”

“How would that be better?” he asks, pained.

“Well what if I stayed and we broke up later? What if Grace was old enough that it would hurt her for the rest of her life? I don’t want to do that to her. And I’m not her mom, so it’s not like we can break up and I stay a part of her life.”

“Well what if you stay and we don’t break up? What if we end up getting married and have children of our own and live happily ever after as a happy family? Is that not worth anything to you?”

I shake my head. “It is. But I don’t want to hurt you, because right now, I’m trying, believe me I’m trying, but I don’t feel quite the same way about you as you feel about me.”

He groans. “This shouldn’t be this hard.”

“I’ve actually been thinking…” I start unsteadily, not sure how he’s going to take this.

“And?”

“And I don’t know if we’re even still together right now or not, but I was thinking that maybe we shouldn’t be. Maybe just for the time being, we should just be friends.” His eyes water up like he’s about to cry and I feel my heart break. I don’t want to hurt him so I rush the next part. “I’m not saying forever, I’m just saying for a little while. I won’t see anybody else, I just… I think it might help a little. I just need to be unattached and think about things. I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me,” I beg.

He laughs, but a tear falls down his cheek and his eyes are all red. He pulls me into an unexpected hug. “I could never hate you,” he whispers in my ear, sending shivers up my spine. He pulls away a little to look at me. “You know you’re breaking my heart,” he smiles softly. “But I’m with you, whatever you decide to do.”

He’s so great, I think. No wonder I fell in love with him so hard.

“So you aren’t mad?” I ask hesitantly.

“Yeah, I’m pissed. But not at you – I’m mad at myself for letting this happen. I should’ve set Celeste straight the second I heard about her telling you to back off. I should have done something. I just feel like there’s something I could have said that would have changed all of this.”

I smile softly up at him. “You know I care about you.”

He nods. “I know. You know I love you.”

I grin. “I know. You’re amazing, Noah Roberts.”

He chuckles. “I know that as well. I also know that whatever happens, we’re going to be fine. If you want to try being friends right now, I can definitely try too, I just don’t want to lose you.”

I lean up on my toes and kiss his cheek. “You’re the sweetest, most amazing, most handsome guy I’ve ever met,” I tell him, a small embarrassed smile on my lips.

“And you are the most lovable, crazy, nerve-wracking, beautiful girl in the world, and you’re worth everything we’re going through right now. I’ll do whatever you want me to, Teagan Foster. Just know that I’ll always love you.”

I shake my head at him, overwhelmed.

He lets me go then and takes a step back. I wish he hadn’t. “Will you be back for Grace’s birthday party?” he asks.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I tell him. “Do you mind if I come by before I leave and say bye to Grace?”

He shakes his head and kisses the tip of my nose. “Come by whenever. I know she’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss her, too,” I say, walking towards the door. I open it and look back at him. “Hey, Noah?” I say. “I’ll miss you, too.”