Good Love Will Find Me

"So. Your dad called."

Natalie set down her spoon and stared, wide-eyed at her mom. "What for?"

"He wants to know when you want to come home."

"This is what you wanted to talk about, wasn't it?"

Both Natalie and her mother let out a deep, collective sigh.

If John didn't want her here, the obvious response was to go home. He made it clear that he didn't love her and didn't plan on changing that any time soon.

So what was stopping her from going anywhere near the airport?

Her mom wanted her here, and she wanted to be here. Bridget didn't want to lose her best friend again. Who would Bridget complain to when things with Pat got rough? The guys wouldn't want her to leave either. And Luke would be crushed.

And on top of all that, Natalie knew she was still hoping for something to change. She was hoping for someone to chuck a rock at John's head in the hopes that he would realize that Allison was all wrong for him.

Natalie kept eating, thinking about what to say to her mother.

Since when did she care about peoples' feelings? Since when did she do things for others, to make others happy?

Tempe was changing her, and for the most part, the changes were good. She enjoyed her time here and she wasn't at all ready to go back to California.

Natalie was not going to let John ruin Arizona for her.

"Tell him I'm staying."


Natalie's new resolve didn't work out so well.

Two days later, she was still moping about John.

All Natalie wanted to do was stay in bed, scarfing down sleeve after sleeve of Thin Mints. Every Death Cab For Cutie song that she owned played from her laptop and she reread her tattered and dog-eared copy of Stargirl for the millionth time.

Bridget burst into Nat's room with extreme vigor and with Luke in tow. "Natalie Marie Smith, you get out of bed right this minute - hey, Nat, that's a children's book you're reading."

"One, I'm not getting out of bed, and two, I am aware that it is a children's book but I'm still trying to find the crap I give."

Luke ran to her bed and climbed in, snuggled up to her and flashed the pout that he inherited from his mother. "Please Natty? We haven't seen you since the slip and slide party. I miss you, Nat Nat."

"Luke, I can't."

"Why not?" he whined.

"It - it hurts."

"You hurt your leg?" Luke gasped in shock.

"No, buddy. I just can't deal with anything."

"Stupid uncle John messed everything up. Now I can't even see you anymore. Johnny's dumb."

"Your uncle John isn't dumb, Luke."

"Yes, he is," muttered Bridget.

"Shut it, Bridget. Uncle John's just confused. I tried to un-confuse him, but it didn't work."

"Yeah, he's so stupid that you can't even fix him!"

"Luke, it's not nice to call people stupid."

"Even mommy's calling him stupid."

"That doesn't mean you can."

He crossed his arms and huffed, "Fine. But I still want you to get out of bed."

"Listen to the kid, Nat! You look horrible."

Natalie rolled her eyes. "Thanks."

"Seriously, though. Let's get you cleaned up. Luke, come on. Go downstairs. I think Nat's mom has some candy for you."

Luke gasped, jumping out of bed and running down the stairs.

"You know you're going to have to deal with him when he bounces up and down the walls. And when he crashes, you're responsible."

"I know. Pat's the same way."

"Pat's twenty-one. Luke is three."

"Your point?"

"My point is - never mind."

Bridget held her hand out and Natalie latched onto it as her best friend pulled her up and out of bed, finally.

"Nice pajamas," Bridget snickered.

Natalie blushed as Bridget looked her Beavis and Butthead pajama pants over.

"If you keep making fun of me, I'll just go back to bed."

Bridget pretended to zip up her lips and throw the key away.

"Band practice starts in like fifteen minutes. Let's go! Chop chop."

Natalie hopped in the shower as Bridget went downstairs to make sure Luke didn't go on a candy rampage.

She tried to ignore the fact that John would be at band practice and that they would probably have to act civil towards each other. She tried to ignore the fact that he had picked her up just to fling her away, forgetting about her in a mere hour or two.

Once again, she reminded herself that it was her fault. She didn't love him back quickly enough. She was too selfish. She was too careless. The list went on and on, and so did the feeling of loneliness and abandonment.

But she wasn't alone. She had many people to cheer her up and fall back down on.

So as she pulled on a random t-shirt and shorts, she painted a smile on her face that she was sure no one could see through. She built the tough girl shell back around her frail body, a body made weak by silly boys who fucked you and proposed to another girl the next day.

John O'Callaghan was just another boy, another boy to add to the long list of her past.


As the three of them walked through O'Callaghan house, Natalie took a deep breath. Was he here?

Leigh greeted them at the basement door, scooping up her son, showering him in kisses.

"They've been waiting for you," said Leigh with a smile.

Natalie grinned and ran into the first pair of open arms she saw, which happened to be Kennedy's.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked, concerned.

"For the most part, yeah. I think I can do this."

He beamed and then Pat attacked her. "Hi Natalie! I missed you!"

She chuckled as she realized how much Pat's reaction mirrored Luke's. "I missed you too, Pat."

Pat let go of her and made a beeline for Bridget.

Natalie went to greet Jared, but he was on the phone. "John, we can't have you being late all the time. Your excuses aren't working anymore, okay?"

So she wasn't the only one that disliked John at the moment. As she gave Garrett a huge hug, she listened in on the one-sided conversation.

"John, you need to come. I don't care if Allison is doing this or doing that. Music is your priority. No, I don't - John, you don't even love her, okay? You don't. Don't tell me that you do because you don't."

And apparently she wasn't the only one who noticed that John was unhappy with Allison.

But really, even a blind man could figure that out.

"And you better come sober."

What?

Jared hung up and turned around. His eyes widened. "Oh! Natalie! Hi, I didn't see you there. I had no idea you were coming!" He engulfed her in a tight, breathtaking hug.

"How are you? I feel like I haven't seen you in forever."

"I've just been hiding out. I haven't been feeling too good lately, but I'm better now. Um, Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"What did you mean when you told John to come sober?"

Jared scowled. "Lately he's been drinking himself to death. He comes to all the band practices wasted. He can barely sing a single line cause he slurs all the words. Twenty minutes into practice, he passes out. It's ridiculous."

Worry ran through Natalie at the thought of John doing that to himself. Was it because of Allison? No, it was probably because of her and how she had treated him. How she rejected him and slept with him that night at Peter Sellers'.

How could she possibly fix this?

The basement door opened once more and John stepped in. Natalie was glad to see that he didn't seem drunk at all.

But he shot her a venomous look that let her know that yes, he still hated her.

She wanted him to know that she didn't hate him.

She wanted him back.

"Look who made it," mumbled Garrett.

John just shook his head and stood behind the mike, preparing to practice.

"John!" someone shrieked as they came into the basement. "Help me down the stairs!"

Allison's nasal, high-pitched, whiny voice was the equivalent to nails scratching a chalkboard. It made you cringe and want to cover your eyes with your hands.

"Why can't you get down the stairs yourself?" said Bridget with obvious disdain. "John, you're engaged to a lazy whore. Congratulations."

From across the room, Nat heard Leigh sigh as Luke asked, "Momma, what's a whore?"

John kept quiet as he lead her to the couch and sat her down - right next to Natalie.

Even though she knew that Allison was a bitch, Natalie decided to civil towards her. If John was going to marry her, there must have been something good in her. She knew John wasn't the type to just marry someone. He took his time.

"Hi, Allison," she said.

Allison just scoffed at her.

Natalie shook her head and crossed her arms, looking straight on. Okay, maybe there really wasn't anything good about her.

It was so terribly quiet that it was painful. The only sound was Luke playing with his little stuffed animals. He was having them go on an adventure to find the lost treasure, or something.

"Can we play Misery?" asked John.

The guys just shrugged and started to play.

Unlike many times before, John sang with his eyes closed most of the time. When he did open his eyes, he looked everywhere but at the couch in front of him.

Was he nervous?

John? Nervous about singing? There was no way.

"Looking for misery, but she found me, lying naked on the floor. I was headed insane, the devil told me his name, but he's not welcome here, anymore."

Natalie was surprised to see that he was looking directly at her.

Misery? He thought of her as misery?

"The pressure's building with time. I made it up in my mind. I've got excuses for all these things that I've tried in my life."

Maybe it was best to just forget about John. There was no way of fixing their relationship. He hated her and she had already accepted that the whole situation was her fault. It was time to move on.

California was calling her name.

Natalie Smith was a lot of things. A tease, a whore, a friend, a daughter, and apparently, she was misery. But she had never been a coward.

And now, that was all she was.


As the guys finished their last song, Allison clapped her hands twice. "We have an announcement to make."

All eyes went to John, and he looked like he was about to throw up.

“John and I are having a baby!” she squealed, bouncing up and down.

Natalie’s heart dropped what felt like thousands of feet, down into her stomach. Now she felt like she was going to throw up as well. What kind of announcement was this? It was more like a bomb. If their relationship wasn’t permanent before, it sure as hell was permanent now.

“So you weren’t just fat like I thought you were,” said Jared, his comment laced with venom.

Everyone, John not included, burst out into laughter.

“Excuse me? John? Aren’t you going to do something about this?” Allison gasped.

John just shrugged. He stepped away from the mic and out the basement door, up to the main part of the house.

The guys ignored his silent bitch fit and kept practicing. They needed it. They were going to go on tour soon and they hadn’t been practicing, what with their lead singer not being able to put himself together long enough to sing at least one song.

“I have to um, go. It was nice seeing you guys. I’ll see you.” Natalie stood, sighing. She was never, ever going to get John back.

“Wait! We’re having another barbecue in a couple days,” said Garrett, “Will you be there?”

She smiled. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”

They all beamed. Kennedy glared at Allison. “You’re not invited.”

Allison huffed and stood as well, shoving past Natalie and walking up the stairs and into the house, and what Natalie hoped was out the door.

Natalie followed, but instead opted for the kitchen. She walked over to Leigh, who was making a sandwich for Luke.

"You know, Natalie, John's just lost right now."

"What do you mean?"

"He's done something he regrets. He moved too quickly. Sometimes he does that. He acts fast to avoid confrontation. So when he senses that something is going wrong, or when he wants to get back at someone, he hurts them. I'm the same way."

Natalie sighed. "I just - I get it. I know I hurt him, I know I said stuff that probably got to him. But he's so different now. He doesn't care anymore."

"He cares. He cares way more than you know."

She sighed.

"Look, when I was with Garrett, he fucked up, and I got mad and dated someone else to get back at him. Long story short, I got pregnant, I thought Luke was someone else's baby, but he wasn't. This probably makes no sense to you...I'm really sorry. I'm horrible at explaining these things. But what I'm saying is that - as cliché as it sounds - love makes us do stupid things that tear people apart, but if the person is really the one you belong to, then you'll find your way back somehow."

"If you don't mind me asking, how did you find your way back to Garrett?"

"I was a coward and waited until the baby was born to find out that Luke was Garrett's son and used that as a reason to break up with Stephen, the other guy. Don't be a coward, Natalie. From what I've seen, and what John's told me, you're strong. You're a fighter. So fight for John. Don't wait for some excuse to come along. Show him that you belong to him and he belongs to you. Okay? Go. Get him."

Natalie stood up and engulfed Leigh in a hug. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I just don't want you to make the same mistakes as I did."

She took the stairs two at a time and walked into John’s room. Sure enough, he was there, on his bed. He had his head in his hands and he was completely silent.

“You okay there?” she asked tentatively.

He didn’t even have to look up. He knew her voice.

"What are you doing here?"

She smiled sadly. "Just because you ripped my heart out doesn't mean I don't care about you anymore. Actually, I care about you more than ever."

"You shouldn't. I don't deserve anyone. I picked her over you. I picked her over them. I picked her, Nat."

"Then leave her, John. Just leave. If you don't love her, what's holding you back?"

"The baby."

Natalie sighed deeply, almost right in time with John. They were two parts of one whole, separated and shred to pieces.

"We belong together," she said.

"I know."

"Then why aren't you doing anything about it? You're not happy. I want you to be happy. I can make you happy, John. We were so great together. We go perfectly together. I know that now."

"Then why didn't you realize that before?!" he shouted as he stood. "Why didn't you realize all of those things before you tore me apart?!"

She clenched her fists and looked him straight in the eye. "I was afraid, John. I'm still afraid of how you make me feel. I'm terrified." She took a step towards him and another, then another. She was so close that their noses were touching. "You're afraid too. Do I scare you, John? Do I make you angry? Do I piss you off? I do, don't I?" She smirked and reduced her voice to a whisper, moving so that her lips grazed his as she talked. "Be happy. Love me back like I know you do."

And there it was. The almost-kiss that she had been waiting for. She felt pressure on her lips from his, and she let it linger for an ounce of a second before placing her palms on his chest and gently pushing him away.

Without looking back, she walked out the door and left him standing there.