Good Love Will Find Me

"We're having a barbecue tonight!" chirped Natalie's mother as she pulled open the blinds, letting sunlight into the previously dark room.

She groaned. "For Christ's sake, mom, what time is it?"

"It's eight o'clock!"

"In the morning?!"

"Yes! Now get up, cause you're helping me cook!"

Her mother walked out the door and Natalie swung both feet over the edge of her bed, sitting up straight. Her phone buzzed repeatedly, and she checked to see who was calling.

John had been calling her nonstop since the day she "lied" to him, but she had ignored every single call and didn't check any of the messages he left.

Pressing ignore, she walked down the stairs, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Good morning, Henry."

As she walked past him in the living room, he smiled and returned the greeting. She entered the kitchen where her mother was already making mashed potatoes. "Can you start working on the salad?"

"Yeah, no problem. Who's coming?"

"Just some family friends. I'm sure you'll remember most of them. They came round a lot when you were younger."

She and her mother worked in silence as Natalie threw lettuce, grape tomatoes, shreds of carrots, and cheese in a bowl.

Suddenly, her mother voiced what Natalie guessed was an ongoing concern. "So, what are you planning to do about college? I mean, after your internship and all that."

Natalie shrugged. "It's up in the air, really. It's not something I'm that interested in."

She sighed and opened her mouth to voice her disapproval of Natalie's decision, but Henry had come wandering into the kitchen. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Why don't you slice the baguette, honey?"

Natalie smiled thankfully at her stepdad. Whether he had meant to do it or not, he had just saved her from a head-splitting conversation with her mother.

Regardless, she was still in a good mood, despite the fiasco with John.

She had decided not to dwell over him. It was time to move on. She was done with John. 

It didn't matter anymore because soon, she would be out of Arizona and back in California.

That thought put a bitter taste in her mouth.


"Natalie! Come downstairs!"

She smoothed out her dress. It was white with a flowered lace pattern, paired with a skinny brown belt. After slipping her feet into a pair of brown gladiator sandals, Natalie walked down the stairs with a smile on her face.

She was finally free from the wrath of John. She was no longer worried about him or loving him back or Allison or anything of the sort. She was left to be the Natalie she once was - carefree and happy.

But her new mindset was almost shattered when she lifted her foot off of the last step and collided with a tall, bony body.

As she looked up, she realized the body belonged to John.

Stepping back, she silently cursed herself for not looking where she was going. But instead of letting her good mood go to waste, she mumbled, "Sorry, I hope you're alright," and walked away without looking back.

Of course he was here. Why wouldn't he be? His mother was her mother's best friend.

Natalie headed to the backyard and saw that it was filled with people, most of whom she didn't know. Her wandering eyes landed on a familiar face - Leigh's. Her sights traveled down to her hand which was attached to a smaller hand that belonged to her favorite three-year-old in the whole wide world.

"Luke!"

"Nat Nat!"

He let go of his mother and ran over to her, followed by Leigh. Natalie picked him up and swung him around.

"It's so great to see you, little guy!"

"I missed you Nat Nat. How come you don't come by anymore?"

"Oh, I've just been busy."

She hadn't been busy. She had been bicycling around the neighborhood for the past week and immersing herself in a collection of music by Brand New as more than a few burning cigarettes touched her lips.

Natalie placed Luke back onto the ground and gave Leigh a hug. "How are you?"

"I've been great, actually. Things are getting better now that John's home. I mean, not for him. He's been pretty bummed out, but my mom's no longer complaining about Allison. Neither is Luke, for that matter."

"I'm glad to hear that," replied Nat with a smile.

Suddenly, her mom was at her side. "Natalie, I'd like you to come meet some people."

She smiled apologetically at Leigh and allowed herself to be dragged towards person after person, all the while thinking about John.


After all the food was set out, everyone sat down to eat.

To Natalie's left sat her uncle Chris, who was gay and quite the stud. On her right, her little cousin Sophia chattered away to her sister about their upcoming trip to Build-A-Bear.

She refused to look at the seat directly in front of her, though. She knew that his eyes would draw her in and she would be caught in his trap once again.

But without looking up, she could picture his face almost perfectly. His tousled hair, his green and hazel eyes, his perfectly sloped nose, his thin lips, his ears, his chin, his jawline. She could almost point out each and every freckle scattered about his face.

John was oddly quiet. She assumed it was because of all the chatter around him. Maybe he was thinking about something.

A new song? A new poem? Tour? People?

Her?

No. She couldn't even consider that possibility. It sparked such a hope in her that she couldn't bear. A hope that she thought she had suppressed. A hope so overwhelming that her heart swelled up with positivity.

"It's been such a long time since I've seen you, Natalie!" said Chris, startling her. Like her mother, Chris tended to be quite loud. "The last time I saw you, you were seven, I believe. Your friend Bridget kept asking me to have tea parties with you and her and your teddy bears. Even then you were so prim and proper and beautiful."

Natalie's cheeks grew warm. "Thank you, uncle Chris."

"She's still beautiful, isn't she? Actually, no. She's not beautiful," commented John, speaking for the first time. "She's gorgeous. Stunning. Radiant." Even though his words were directed at Chris, he was looking right at her.

She didn't say a word. Instead, Natalie just looked down at her food. He knew how much she hated compliments. Uncle Chris was one thing - he didn't know her like John did. John knew her likes and dislikes, favorites, passions, opinions, thoughts, preferences, everything.

Chris' lips spread into a mischievous smile. "And you are?"

"I'm John." They both reached across the table to shake hands. "My mom is -"

"Ah, I know who you are now. You were the little blonde boy that was always playing baseball. Third baseman. You're Jenny's son, aren't you?"

"I am."

"Natalie never wanted to talk to you. She only ever wanted to play with Bridget. She thought you were gross."

"I did not!" argued Nat.

"She speaks!" joked Chris.

"I just thought that he didn't want to be bothered is all. I didn't think a boy would ever want to play Polly Pocket or have a tea party."

He raised his eyebrows. "So are you two like, a thing?"

"No." Her voice was stone cold.

John, on the other hand, said nothing.

"What a shame. Your mothers always wanted you two together."

Figures, she thought.

Sophia turned to her. "Are you and him boyfriend and girlfriend?" She and her sister giggled.

"No, sweetie. We're just...we know each other through mutual friends and stuff like that."

The two girls pouted.

Sophia's sister, Chloe, said, "When you two get married, can we be your flower girls?"

John chuckled. "Of course. And Luke can be our ring bearer."

"Who said anything about getting married?" snapped Natalie. "We're not even together."

As she said this, her mind traveled back to the night of her mother's wedding and how Henry looked at her mom. Moreover, she was reminded of how much she wanted someone to look at her like that. How much she wanted John to look at her like that.

Then she saw how disappointed the girls' faces were and she wished she could take back what she had said. Her expression softened and she turned to them.

"I'm sorry for snapping. Of course you can be our flower girls."

They smiled at her and started planning for the wedding. Natalie chuckled.

"You're just a big softie inside, aren't you?" said John.

Chris replied, "You have no idea."

Still, she didn't have anything to say to John.


"I'll help you clean up, mom."

A grateful smile lit up Natalie's mother's face.

She grabbed as many plates as she could and started to walk towards the trash can, but pouted when she realized she couldn't open it with both hands preoccupied.

"I got it." John swept in and opened the lid, smiling.

She just rolled her eyes and walked back to the table.

As she kept throwing plates and utensils and any other plastic item she could find, John kept opening the big trash can.

When she was done with her duty, she mumbled, "Thank you," and walked back into the house. She wanted to retrieve her cigarettes. John was too much for her to handle.

She thought she could do it. She thought she could forget about him and move on.

Once she had her box of cigarettes and a lighter, she walked out onto the front porch and sat down on the steps.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

She watched the smoke float up into the air. How could something so dangerous, so destructive, be so beautiful? Almost invisible, the smoke gracefully curled up into the air and then disappeared.

"It's exactly like you."

John sat down beside her and also pulled a cigarette out of his own pack, lighting it up.

"Excuse me?"

"The smoke, I mean. It's just like you. When I smoke, I watch it disappear, and I think of you. It's so graceful and gorgeous to look at, but I know it's life threatening and dangerous. That's you."

"You think I'm life threatening?"

"I think you're life threatening to me. When you...when I made you cry, it almost killed me. Actually, I felt like it did. I'm sorry, Natalie."

She scooted away from him. "Stop. Stop, okay?"

"But you need to know I'm sorry. Allison was never worth hurting you."

"Did you figure that out before or after she cheated on you?"

"I figured it out the moment I met you. No one was worth hurting you."

She turned to him and gave him the most menacing look she could. "Then why did you do it?"

"Because I..." he trailed off and sighed.

"You didn't believe in me, John. I needed you to believe me. I needed you to stick to our fucking deal! I didn't want you to fall in love with me. I break people like I break myself. I am a mess. A goddamn mess. I don't need you or anyone fixing me up because you know what? It's impossible. I cannot love anyone, especially you."

"Why?!" he threw his cigarette to the ground and stood up, squashing it with his foot. "Natalie, I am trying. I'm trying to make up for what I did and I'm trying to get you to let me in. You need me. I know you do! And I will never be sorry for loving you. Not one day in my life will I ever apologize for giving you my heart. I'm just sorry you could never give me yours in return because you're not the only one that needs someone. I need you too! I need you to be my girl and to tell me that it's alright."

Tears started to roll down her cheeks.

"Natalie, I know what you think about yourself. Of course I do. But I wanted to be the one to show you differently! Let me be that guy, please. I want to be the person that shows you that you're worth something, because you mean a whole lot to me. You make everything better. You're that thought I keep in the back of my head all the time to remind me that it'll be okay and I don't need to worry about anything because I have you."

He sat back down and turned to her.

She pursed her lips and closed her eyes.

John placed his hands on either side of her face and wiped the tears away with his thumbs.

"I love you, Natalie. I love you and I'm in love with you whether you like it or not, and I'll be here to treat you right. No more deals, no more rules, just us. Okay?"

She sniffled and nodded.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest, where she sobbed.

"God, I'm so sorry for being so selfish, John. And I'm sorry for being such a bitch. It was all I knew how to do. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, baby. I love you."

"I love you too."