Good Love Will Find Me

Natalie had not spoken in three days.

She had not eaten in three days.

She had not moved in three days.

She didn't cry, she didn't do anything.

She just lay in bed and slept with Reach For The Sun by The Dangerous Summer on repeat.

This time was bad. She had broken up with boys before and not a single one affected her in any major way, but she knew she had fucked up with John.

John was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she had severed ties with him because she was too afraid.

She was a coward.

Fear was ruining her life.

What had happened to the Natalie that wasn't afraid to do anything? Her move to Cleveland was scaring her to death.

It was because she got attached.

Previously, she had never been attached to anyone and she felt good about herself.

But when she did get attached to people, she felt even better.

So why did she feel like scum now?

Maybe it was because she had been staring at her phone for the past three days and no one had called.

John hadn't called. She felt so alone.

She wanted him so bad to call her, to reach out to her so that she could tell him that it was all a mistake, that her life had gotten worse without him.

Natalie was afraid to text or call him - he must have hated her. What she did was no act of kindness.

So she repeated the same line that she had been thinking - I fucked up - while AJ Perdomo sang - I can't find the strength in my voice to call you back and say that everything is bad without you and I am lost again, oh god believe I'm lost again.

She sighed and rolled over on her side, closing her eyes.

The door flew open and she sat up, wide eyed.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" said Bridget, eyes shining with anger.

Natalie didn't utter a word.

"Natalie, what did you say to John?"

Still nothing.

"He's not doing anything. He won't talk to anyone and he's not eating. He's acting a lot like you, actually."

Natalie had ripped him open and destroyed his insides, much like she had done to herself. She was a parasite.

She made herself sick.

Nat put her head in her hands, sighing.

"You can't keep doing this to him, Natalie. You have to stop throwing him around like a rag doll. Please. It's ruining him."

She whispered, "I'm sorry. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up."

"You can fix this."

She shook her head. She couldn't.

"Natalie, please."

Again, she shook her head. "I'm not worth his time."

"Will you get the fuck over yourself?"

She was surprised once more. Bridget never yelled at her.

"This is not about you. It's about John. You did fuck up, Nat. You were selfish. But he needs you. Right now, there are a lot of people I would rather have him date than you, but you're all he wants. I thought you had changed and I was so proud of you. So Natalie, show me that you've changed and fix this."

It was past fixing. She was leaving anyway, what was the point?

So she just lay back down.

Bridget mumbled, "What happened to you, Nat?" Without waiting for an answer, she left, shutting the door quietly behind her.


It was time that Natalie had gotten up.

She peeled the covers off of her body and stood, feeling dizzy. It had been an entire week since she had done anything.

First she headed to the kitchen to calm her growling stomach.

She was delighted to find that both her mother and Henry were out, so she was able to avoid questions.

Then she headed to the bathroom to shower. She had to admit, she felt and probably looked disgusting.

Once inside, Natalie stood under the warm shower, letting the water run over her. Hopefully the heat would melt her icy heart, the one that she used to break John's.

She wondered if he would ever forgive her, because she sure as hell would never forgive herself.

But there was other matters at hand. She needed a way to get to Ohio. All that she needed was here in Arizona - clothes, CDs, and other personal belongings. The rest she could buy.

And she needed money.

She needed money for a plane ticket, and an apartment, and possibly car. She had some from the job she had in California, but she was still short by a lot.

She felt selfish, but she knew exactly who to ask.


"Hey, dad?"

"Natalie, hey," he replied, surprised.

"I know it's out of the blue, but I need a favor from you," she told him, getting right to the point.

"What is it?" he asked, sounding a bit tired.

"I got an internship at Alternative Press magazine, and I really think that I want to take it. It's in Ohio, but it could open up a lot of doors for me in the industry."

"Well, okay. What about college?"

She bit her tongue, not wanting to say anything rash. She didn't have a right, as he only wanted what was best for her.

"I don't think I'm going any time soon."

He sighed. "Natalie-"

"Dad, please. The internship is probably a better choice for me. It would have many more opportunities than sitting in a college classroom wasting my life away. John never-" She caught herself and frowned.

"John? Who's John?"

"No one, dad."

There was silence on the line and then he finally spoke, "You need money, don't you?"

"I do," she replied quietly.

"How much?"

"I have enough for a small apartment, but I need a plane ticket."

"Does your mother know?"

"Not yet."

"Okay. Tell her and I'll buy you the ticket. I need to know that she's okay with it."

Since when did her father care what her mother thought?

"I will."

"Good. Natalie?"

"Yeah?"

"Whoever that John boy is, be nice to him. I know that may be hard for you," he chuckled, "but I haven't been so nice to many people either, and look where I ended up. Alone."

She was dead silent. Her father had caught her off guard with his impromptu advice, but he made sense, and he was right.

"I love you, dad. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Nat. Take care."

"You too. Bye."

"Bye."


She rang the doorbell and stepped back, rocking back and forth on her feet.

Natalie was anxious as to what would happen once the door was open.

Would John answer it and slam the door right back in her face?

Would Leigh open it and give her that motherly look of disappointment?

Would Luke open it and tell her how much he hated her?

She was over thinking this. But they had a right to be angry, after all.

The door was pulled back and Shane's head popped out.

She had met Shane a few times but had never gotten to know him. Now, she probably never would.

"Natalie, right?"

She nodded.

"Come in. I'm assuming you want to see John?"

She nodded once more.

"He's upstairs. Don't be too loud, cause he'll throw a bitch fit."

She almost laughed. Natalie waved to Jenny in the kitchen and looked around for Leigh and Luke. They must have been out.

Walking up the stairs, she braced herself. Anything could happen, but she was here to say one thing and one thing only - goodbye.

She lifted her foot off the last step and almost turned around to walk down the very stairs she just climbed. Instead, she slowly walked to his door and knocked.

He muttered, "Don't come in."

"It's me, Natalie."

Silence.

Then, "What do you want?"

The pure anger in his voice made Natalie flinch.

"I need to talk to you."

"So talk."

"Face to face."

Again, he was silent. She took this as an invitation to come in, but really, she was desperate and would take any opportunity to open the door.

His room was a mess. There were clothes and notebooks everywhere. Paper, torn and crumpled, was strewn all over his bed, the floor, his desk. She had never seen it like this.

It looked a lot like the state her room was in right now.

"I'm leaving."

She couldn't bear to be vague with him anymore. He didn't deserve that.

Since he didn't reply, she proceeded. "I said all of those things because I was scared and I'm sorry for that. My feelings for you haven't changed, though. I'm not lying about that. But I have to go. Not because of you, or anyone. I have things to do and places to go and it's time I move on. I'm sorry, John. I really do love you."

He muttered, "Then why are you leaving me?"

It was so soft that she almost didn't hear.

"I'm not leaving just you. I'm leaving everyone."

"Don't go," he pleaded, his voice laced with pain. "I need you here. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

She closed her eyes and clenched her fists, pouting. "John, please."

"No, Natalie. No. What gives you the right to go after I fought so hard for you?!"

She had no answer.

"I don't think it's fair that we all get to hurt while you move on."

"Do you think I'm not hurting? Is that what you believe?" she asked, bewildered.

"It's not that I think you're not hurting. I think you're letting yourself act selfishly."

"You're the one being selfish! I have no choice. I have to do this."

"You always, always have a choice in whether or not you have to do something. I thought you were better than that."

A sigh escaped her lips as she slowly backed out of the room. "You know what? This was a mistake. All of it. Staying in Arizona, falling in love, getting attached. Nothing good ever comes out of letting myself go."

"If you want to leave, leave. I don't care anymore," he muttered. "Do what you want. I'd rather have you go wherever, as long as you're not here to make a mess of things. Just go, Natalie."

Nat couldn't believe it.

He had given up on her - something he vowed never to do.

Her heart, already dangling dangerously low, dropped through her stomach, breaking on the way down.

What was there to do now but leave?

She pursed her lips and turned around once and for all. If he didn't want her here, then she would go.

As she went, she halfheartedly waved to Jenny and made her way through the door, anger and hurt colliding as they clouded her eyes.

But though she was overwhelmed with the loss that she could feel coming on, she didn't cry. She was done crying over anything.

Arizona had softened her more than she realized. She would never, ever let down her guard again. And she would never let herself hurt anyone else.

Natalie never wanted to see the look that she saw in John's eyes. Realizing that she was the cause for it made the guilt too much to bear.

So Natalie left and erased one memory at a time with each step that she took.