Good Love Will Find Me

The only word that could describe Natalie was discombobulated.

Her hair was in knots and she was twisted in the sheets. There was an arm draped across her back and she could hear someone breathing heavily beside her.

She buried her face in the pillow and groaned, then lifted her head to examine the guy sleeping next to her.

It was John, which she half expected, because she didn't remember hanging out with anyone else the night before.

She must have been pretty wasted to let him sleep with her.

But then again, if she didn't find him so cocky and irritating, she probably would have let him have his way with her, to be quite honest.

John was, in a word, gorgeous. And he was wise. Intelligent, even. They talked for what seemed like hours about anything and everything, from the production of music to politics. Plus, he liked David Bowie and could sing like Neil Young.

So in a way, the situation wasn't as bad as she thought it was, but of course, Natalie being Natalie, it turned out seeming bad. Very bad.

She hopped out of the bed and pulled on her clothes, sighing. She fucked up, sort of. And now she had to take the walk of shame.

But then she realized her keys were with John.

So she sat back down and waited patiently for him to wake up. Natalie checked her phone, checked Facebook, looked around, did everything she could to pass the time.

The boy couldn't be that far from waking up, could he?

But she needed to get home. The wedding was tonight and she needed to help get her mom ready.

It was 8, and her mom needed her ready by 9:30, so it was safe to say she was pressed for time.

"John," she said, louder than her usual voice.

No movement.

"John O'Callaghan."

Nothing.

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and kicked him with all her might. "John!"

He rolled off and onto the floor, making an oomph noise.

"What the fuck?"

"I need my keys."

"You could've said it a little bit nicer," he whined indignantly.

"I did! Twice."

He scratched the back of his head. "I'm usually not a heavy sleeper. You must've tired me out," he grinned.

Natalie rolled her eyes and wondered how many times he had used that line.

She held out her hand for her keys and John handed them over, still grinning.

What was he expecting? A hug and a kiss? A fucking muffin basket?

Nat just walked out the door.

"See you later then, Natty!"

"Not likely," she mumbled under her breath.


"Natalie! Where are you?!" her mother shrieked.

"Mom, I'm right here, calm down."

Natalie's mom and her aunt Jamie were running around like crazy, getting ready for the wedding, which was at 2:00.

It was currently half past noon, and she had just put on her bridesmaids dress.

It was red, and she loved it a lot. It came a few inches above her knees and had one strap decorated with fabric flowers. At first, when her mother described it to her, it had sounded quite tacky, but once she saw it, she adored it.

Her hair was curled and gathered at the side. She applied small amounts of makeup, which she only did for special occasions.

The next hour and a half or so passed by quick. It was filled with minor, last minute dress adjustments, shrieking, panicking, and yelling.

She had a massive headache by the time 1:55 rolled around, needless to say. Natalie was snappy, tired, and overwhelmed. But she kept a smile pasted on her face for her mother.

She didn't want to do a single thing that would ruin her day even slightly.

"Come on, it's time!" instructed one of her many aunts. Nat was surrounded by three bridesmaids, a little boy that was a ring bearer, a few flower girls, and other people.

Her grandpa came strolling along, linking her mom's arm with his. He planted a kiss on her temple and beamed at her. Natalie's mother smiled back, rather shakily.

Nat placed a hand on her back, guiding her to where she needed to go.

The music started and in went the little kids. Then went the younger cousins, and then it was Natalie's turn. She took a deep breath, and clutched the small bouquet in her hands just a little tighter. One step, and another. She reminded herself to go slow, even though she just wanted to get this walk over with as quick as possible.

She couldn't believe her mom was getting married. Natalie never thought she'd see the day, seeing her own mother commit to another man, a man that wasn't her dad. As she stepped to the left of the altar, she was followed by the other bridesmaids, and the maid of honor. And finally, in stepped her mom, looking stunning.

And even though everyone's eyes were on her mom, she looked at the groom, Henry.

She had met Henry the day before yesterday, and she actually really liked him. He wasn't old like her dad was, and he wasn't uptight like her dad was. He was more like a calm version of her mom. Carefree and easygoing, but serious at the same time.

The look in his eyes was almost shocking to her. She had never seen her dad look at any woman, especially her mom, that way. Henry's eyes were filled with so much admiration and care, and sparkled with respect and awe. And they looked straight at her mom.

Instantly, Natalie was hit with the need to be looked at the same way.

She brushed off the sudden and aching need and concentrated on the wedding.


At the reception, Natalie found Bridget, who her mom had invited.

They sat together at a random table, as Nat didn't feel like sitting with all the other bridesmaids.

She picked at her food and Bridget chewed on a bite of hers. "So," she started after swallowing.

Natalie narrowed her eyes at Bridget.

"Yeah?"

"How was the party?"

Natalie instantly grew considerably red in the face and moved her fork around aimlessly on her plate.

Bridget's eyes widened.

"Aw, shit. Natalie, you didn't screw Pat, did you?"

She was taken aback and almost burst out laughing, but contained her surprise and reduced it to fits of giggles.

"No way in hell. Not that I don't like him, he's sweet, but he's so innocent."

"But you definitely screwed someone."

A bewildered look came across Natalie's face. How did she even know that?

As if reading her mind, "You're not eating and you're fidgeting constantly. And you keep sighing. So you definitely fucked someone, but you regret it."

"What the hell?"

"Obviously, I remember things from high school that you don't, my dear."

"I can't hide anything from you, jeez. All I know is that I never want to see him again."

"When are you leaving, anyway?"

"See, the thing is, I don't want to. I mean, I love it here. The atmosphere is so different compared to California. I mean, sure, the weather is killer, but there's just something about Arizona."

"So who was the lucky guy?"

"Nope, not telling."

"I know him, then?"

"Yeah. That's why I'm not telling. Cause it's embarrassing."

"There's nothing more shameful than screwing Pat Kirch, and you definitely didn't do that. So who was it?"

"Even if you guess right, I won't tell you."

"I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say it was someone from the band. It wasn't Pat, and it couldn't have been Garrett because of Leigh. It's not Jared because of Tess, so it's either Kennedy or John."

"Where was this logic in high school when I needed help in Geometry?"

Bridget ignored Nat's question.

"Kennedy was playing beer pong when I saw him at the party, so..."

"Your memory will be the death of-"

"It was John! You slept with John O'Calla-"

Natalie slapped a hand over Bridget's mouth as she was talking quite loud and people were starting to stare. She took her hand off quickly, though, because she seemed to remember that Bridget tended to lick her hand when she did that.

"Shut up," she said with gritted teeth.

"I knew it. I knew you couldn't resist him. Hell, even I went out with him for like, two days. Nothing serious, though. But knowing you, you made it way more serious than it had to be."

Nat groaned and sighed. Bridget was right.

More people, people that Nat didn't know, joined them at the table. As usual, Natalie didn't say a word and instead continued to push her food around on her plate, thinking about what was going to happen between her and John.

"Hello everyone, we are The Maine and we're here to play music for you tonight!"

Her head whipped to the stage set up at the front of the room, and sure enough, there stood John, smiling his face off with an acoustic guitar.

Matt played the intro to whatever song on his keyboard and John said, "This is a song called Into Your Arms. Congratulations to the new couple!"

Natalie couldn't help but feel that he was looking straight at her when he sang, "There was a new girl in town, she had it all figured out. I'll state something rash. She had the most amazing...smile."

She needed a drink.

"I bet you didn't expect that."

She sure as hell didn't.

Without a word, she stood and headed straight for the bar, lips pursed.

"She made me change my ways."

She asked the bartender for a beer and sat on one of the barstools, looking at the band playing onstage with disgust.

More specifically, she looked at John with disgust.

"With eyes like sunsets baby, and legs that went on for days."

Her mom and stepdad made their way to the dance floor and had their first dance. Many people joined in, but she kept her focus on them.

They looked so happy.

Happier than she ever felt.

Happy didn't even fully describe the newly married couple.

Elated? Overjoyed? Jubilant?

It was something that words couldn't quite embody. Any word would fall flat compared to the real thing. Any description would almost be a lie. It was just something you had to see for yourself.

Natalie had to get out of there, because the feelings were coming back. The realization that she would never be wanted by anyone and that she would never feel home anywhere hit her harder than it ever had before.

She didn't belong anywhere.

Everywhere she went, she felt lost. People were getting stranger. Places were getting crazier. She didn't have a home. Her home certainly wasn't in California with her dad. It wasn't here - she had been gone for much too long and had lost the right to call it home.

Homeless, hopeless, lonely, and fucked up.

Natalie, she felt, was bland enough to describe with words.

She would never be the person you couldn't wrap words around.

Blank, like paper. Boring, like the color white. Bland, like oatmeal.

Unloved.