Massie Massacre VS The Stupid World

My parents have never understood me. Then again, I can’t blame them for not being able to handle all my awesomeness; I’m a lot to handle. But still, they’re my parents, they should at least know enough about me to know that I would hate being in an arranged marriage, especially one to my best friend’s ex boyfriend. Parents suck.

Before I launch into my story of how this tragedy came to be, I need to tell you a bit about my bestie, Kiki, Kiki Khaotic. We met in the sixth grade, back when we were both scene queen wannabe’s. Ugh, it was horrible; we were such losers that I burned all the pictures of us from sixth grade in my backyard, along with my older sister’s prep sweaters. Blegh, good riddance, I did her a favor burning those hideous sweaters. I’m even closer to Kiki then I am to my own sister (which isn’t saying much since my sister is a total prep snooty bitch). Kiki and I even went to get our snake bites done together! Ah, I still remember that day. I didn’t even cry in front of her, even though it hurt like a bitch, but I refused to cry because I’m too hardcore for that. So I went home and cried into my Winnie the Pooh blankie. Don’t you dare judge me, I’ll snap your neck if you do.

Kiki dated this totally hot seventh grader for I think…two weeks, and they were SO in love! Seriously, I hope one day I find a love like theirs! Everyday they’d spam each other’s walls with “ily so much” messages with thousands of hearts and pictures of them making out under the school’s bleachers, and it was like, the only thing I saw on my Newsfeed, but that’s ok because they were soooooooo cute! But then, the guy, Raven, had to be a total asshole and break up with her because he said he was looking for a more ‘mature’ relationship. Um, hello, we were eighth graders; we were the epitome of maturity. Kiki hasn’t been the same since that break up. Well, she was for the one night she hooked up with Gerard Way at My Chemical Romance concert, because he fell in love with her after serenading her in the crowd. Unfortunately, after the one week they were together, Kiki called it quits since she was still hoping to get back together with Raven. Obviously, that didn’t happen, because he ended up with me.

Now, before you get your panties in a bunch, I didn’t mean to steal Raven from Kiki, because that would make me a total bitch. I’m still a bitch, but not a total bitch, there’s a huge difference. My parents thought that an arranged marriage would teach me to be more ‘mature’ (again, I’m already the epitome of maturity). On my fourteenth birthday, I asked for a pink pony. What did I get? A frickin’ fiancé. Sure, Raven’s absolutely gorgeous, with his emo cut midnight black hair (That’s why his name is Raven; his hair is raven black. Clever), ocean blue eyes that are always lined with the perfect amount of black eyeliner, and sexy lip piercing, he makes my ovaries explode every time I lay my eyes on him. But still, he’s Kiki’s man, and if I ever told her about out arranged marriage, she’d be crushed. And if you EVER tell her about our arranged marriage, I’ll cut you. Rawr. Fear me.

This whole arranged marriage thing wouldn’t be much of a problem though if Raven wasn’t totally hot for me. He tries to booty call me at like four in the morning and I’m just like “Uh no, loser, I’m too hardcore for you”. I don’t think he’s ready to handle all of Massie Massacre. If Raven weren’t totally into me, I’d just tell my parents he doesn’t like me and they’d probably give me some new fiancé. But still, I can’t help it that I’m popular and every guy wants me. Some say it’s blessing to be as hot as I am, but I would like to think of it as a curse.