Inhale

I haven't smoked in three months, and I haven't seen Xavier for equally as long.

It's difficult without him near me. I have retreated into myself.

I go to my classes, work, then home. I've cut myself off from the world.

I'm so pissed at myself for ruining what we had, for a night I can barely remember.
If I could press the delete button on my keyboard and erase that night, and never sleep with that girl, I would. I can't do a fucking thing to change what happen and it kills me. I want my Xavi back. I want to know how he's doing, but he's changed his number and deleted me on Facebook. I try to talk to my school "friends" but they refuse to tell me anything about him. Xavier has cut me out of his life, and I don't blame him. I wish I could apologize to him, but I don't see him anymore. I want him back in my arms, but I'm so afraid that he'll never love me again.

Today is one of the rare occasions that I'm going out of my house for reasons other than work, or school. I have to get groceries, not that I'll really eat them, but if I feel faint I need a snack or something. The grocery store is a ten minute drive away so I hurry to my car and start driving.
When I get to the grocery store I pick up very little fruits and vegetables, get some juice and as I'm about to make my way to get cereal I bump into someone. I look up and there he is, Xavier. I immediately put my head down and walk away, when I feel someone grab my wrist I turn around. "Colin, are you okay?" Xavi asked. Even after I cheated on him he was still so worried about my health, he must not like the sickly pale sunken cheeks look, I don't like it either.
I just have no desire to eat anymore, It's the only way I know of to hurt myself without leaving scars. I deserve to be hurt for what I did to him. "I'm fine" my voice was so small. "Don't lie" he said. "I'm fine, I deserve it" I said, as I walked away. While he was still in hearing range I said "I'm sorry."

I quickly grabbed a box of cereal and headed to the checkout, I needed to get out of here. I checked out, put the bag of groceries I had gotten in the back seat, and drove away from the store.

Why was Xavier worried about me after what I did to him?
The first time I see Xavier in three months and he was worried about me, when he didn't look that great himself. His eyes were dead, and he had gotten skinnier probably from stress, he would never starve himself like me.

Even with his dead eyes and skinny body I thought he was beautiful, and I wished I would've kissed him right in the middle of the store.

Seeing him in person only made me miss him so much more.