Goodbye

“Do you want to say ‘bye’ with me” Tyler asked. My cousin, we did a lot of things together mostly because we were the closest in age.
“Sure” I answered as I hopped off the stool I was occupying in the kitchen of my grandmother’s house. As we made our way down the hallway toward her room I could feel pressure on my chest and I had to breathe deeply to keep from hyperventilating. He pushed open her door, which was only two closet blinds put together. I took another deep breath and followed him in.
“Grandma, we’re leaving now” Tyler said softly as he patted her hand. But her frail white hand was not the center of my attention. I had been to her house every night for the past couple of weeks but I had not been in to see her and the room. The lights were out except for a small touch lamp which made it difficult to make out anything but the bed. There was machinery that I took to be the oxygen because a thin clear tube was attached to it.
I tried to look anywhere but at Tyler who was now kissing our grandmother’s cheek, but I failed. When he pulled back I could see that her face was just as frail and white as her hand. She did not say anything but moved her lips as if she wanted to.
Tyler stepped back, to give me room I suspect, but I just smiled and nodded to him and we left. I did not know it in the room but I had started to cry, so when I returned to the kitchen I grabbed a napkin and wiped my face.
“You okay?” It was my mother. She gave me a one armed hug and patted my back. “I know it’s hard seeing her like that” she said.
“Yeah” was all I could manage to say because I had begun to cry again. I took a deep breath to calm myself and went to gather my belonging to go home.
My grandmother’s house was about an hour and a half from mine so my mother and aunts were staying with her. My cousins, siblings, and I were still in school, it was February, so we had been driving to and from her house every night. Sometimes Tyler and his brother carpooled with us in our minivan.
After I put my things in the van I hugged and kissed my mother and she said she would see me the next day. It would be Friday and we could stay the weekend. As I climbed into the back seat of the van I looked at the house and made a promise. Tomorrow I will tell grandma goodnight I said to myself alone. For some reason I had to do it on my own, probably because I would cry again and I do not like others to see my cry. So I made my vow and went home.
After school the next day I packed my things for the weekend and climbed into the van for the trip. We were meeting Tyler and his brother at the end of the road they lived on to give them a ride. Because of this I did not fall asleep, which is what I usually did to pass the time. My father parked the van at the furniture shop where we planned to meet and we waited. As my uncle’s truck pulled up behind us, my father’s cell phone rang and I could feel the tension inside our vehicle.
“Okay” was all he said before he shut his phone, unbuckled his seatbelt, and turned to face his children. I could feel the salty water already sliding down my cheeks.
“Grandma just passed away” he said slowly before he burst into tears. I could hear my sister sobbing next to me and my brother’s wet sniffs in front of me, but I did not want to comfort them like an older sister should. Tyler did not get out of his truck yet so I guessed he was being told the news.
We sat in the empty parking lot crying for a few minutes, maybe ten or more. When my sister tried to console me I shrugged her off but then I felt bad so I smiled at her, which set off a new round of tears the second I saw her tortured expression.
Tyler and his brother made their way to our van and we headed out to grandma’s house. I didn’t want to talk so I stared out the window letting the scenery blend together. I leaned my forehead against the cold glass allowing my mind to go numb.
We reached the house in less time than expected so I had to rifle through our belongings to find my boots that I couldn’t recall taking off. By the time I found my boots and had my bag out of the trunk everyone else was inside.
I entered reluctantly not knowing I was entering a family reunion. Most of my relatives were there along with some I had only meet once or twice. They were handing out hugs left, right, and center. I, being the private person I am, dodged through the throng into the kitchen.
My mom threw a hug at me, that nearly knocked the air out of my lungs, then kissed my cheek and asked if I wanted to say goodbye to my grandmother.
“No I don’t want to” I replied with a cringe.
“I understand.” she said. “Someone is coming to take her away, so could you and Tyler take the kids upstairs?” She asked, or was it pleading?
“Of course I will” I obliged. I grabbed Tyler and gathered the kids, all six of them, and went upstairs to a bedroom with a television. I put on a movie and watched my little cousins dance and play like nothing was different.
Tyler and I didn’t speak much while we waited for some stranger to come and take our grandmother away. I closed my eyes and sat there inwardly kicking myself for not saying goodbye to her the previous night. Why didn’t I just say it or kiss her or even pat her hand? Tyler had done all of that.
I opened my eyes and glanced at Tyler. He sat there beside me just as quiet, but more collected. I closed my eyes again as I felt the pressure increase inside me, almost to bursting point. I also felt the pressure on my eyes as tears were fighting to come through my lids. They won and I sat silently crying until someone - I’m not sure who – came to tell us the coast was clear to come downstairs.
The easiest thing to do that weekend was to stay out of the way so my mom and aunts could plan the funeral. And also entertain the children which meant a lot of Barney, Stuart Little, and Toy Story.
The funeral was set for Tuesday.
Though I don’t think you should wear black to a funeral, a red and black striped shirt was the nicest thing I had. I pulled my shirt on over a red tank top and stared at my reflection in the mirror over the bathroom sink.
“What am I going to do with you?” I was talking to my hair which never cooperates with me. I tried to pin it back but there was just too much so I opted for a messy look.
It wasn’t long before I was in the same room as my dead grandmother. I sat with my siblings in the row behind my mother. We were in the third row and I was crying so I couldn’t clearly see the casket or body. I numbly listened to the ceremony.
Afterwards everyone mingled and got in line to see the body.
“Ty” his mom said while motioning him to the casket. She took him and his siblings to say goodbye.
“Do you want to see her now?” My mom had come up behind me.
“No, not right now” I choked out. She just nodded and left. By then I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. I still felt horrible that I didn’t tell grandma goodbye that night.
I received a few hugs while I waited for the room to clear a little. When I saw that no one was at the casket I took the opportunity and walked up to it.
Grandma was dressed in a white silky outfit with a quilt folded over her. There were trinkets of remembrance strewn around her- a porceline doll, pictures of grandchildren, and other things.
The tears came in a gush as I stood there seeing a woman that had always been in my life and was now gone. I felt a hand on my shoulder and realized that my momm had walked up to me.
“Are you alright?” She questioned me.
“No” I said flatly.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. Did she have to? I reluctantly told her about the other night.
“I…didn’t…get to say…goodbye” I sobbed while trying to breathe regularly.
“None of us did” she soothed.
“But…I promised myself I would say goodbye the next night…but she died” I cried out and pulled my mom into a hug. We cried together for a few minutes then she left to gather my siblings.
I stood at the casket with my eyes closed and tried to slow my breathing. When I managed I opened my eyes to see that the lid was being lowered. I took a final look at my grandmother and choked out “bye grandma” as the lid clicked shut.