Recover Me

“I hate you.”
“No you don’t, Alex.”
“Zack, this is so dumb, I cannot believe you are making me do this.”
“You’re going on a date! It’s not dumb!”
“I’m going on a date, with a guy you barely know!”
“He’s cute,” Zack offers.
“By your standards,” Alex scoffs.
“You’re an ass.”
“You’re the one making me go on a date! With a guy, you barely know! Only months after...” Alex trails off. Because, he isn’t going to make himself upset. Zack is only trying to help. Tears pool in his eyes, and Zack sees them.
“Come here,” Zack demands opening his arms, and Alex complies, only because Zack gives some of the best hugs, ever. Zack wraps his arms around Alex’s shoulders, and Alex bunches his hands in the back of Zack’s t-shirt, gripping like it’s the last thing he has to hold on to. “Sh, Alex, it’s ok.”
“I miss him.”
“I know, I know.”
“You don’t understand,” Alex says tugging on Zack’s shirt as tears run down his cheeks.
“But you won’t really talk to me.”
“I know,” Alex sniffles.
“Your eyes are going to be all puffy,” Zack tries to make his best friend laugh.
“I still hate you,” Alex states sighing but not letting go of Zack.
“But this might help you, you know, be you again.”
“Be me again? Did I morph into someone else?” Alex questions, stepping back from Zack and returning to the mirror where he was trying to make his hair perfect for this date, that he’d never admit to be happy about.
“You know exactly what I mean.” Alex looks at Zack through the mirror, sighing again, but not saying anything.

Ten minutes of silence. Zack is sitting on the bed in Alex’s room, which is connected to his bathroom, where Alex is still trying to get his hair, just right.

“Sometimes, you’re such a girl.”
“Fuck you.”
“You’re not my type, but thanks for the offer.”
“And you’re too ugly for my type.”
“I sometimes wonder why I’m still your friend.”
“Best friend, Zack.”
“Yeah, yeah. You know you only have ten minutes until he shows up?”
“He can wait.”
“Good first impression, huh?”
“He better be cute, Zack.”
“I told you he was!”
“Does someone else think so, too? I’ve seen the guys you’ve dated, and they are not my standard of cute.”
“You think Martin is cute.”
“Okay, so your current boyfriend is cute. But other than that, nope, I cannot think of one guy.”
“Oh shut up, and try not to be as shallow as looks.”
“So he’s not cute?”
“You’ll find out.”
“Hate you.”
“Yeah I know.”

7:01pm. Alex is pacing in front of his door, waiting for someone, who he doesn’t know, to knock on his door. And he’s late. Late. Alex doesn’t do late. That pisses him off.

7:03pm. Alex is jolted out of his hatred for this guy for being late when someone knocks on the door. It wasn’t a loud knock, and really Alex is surprised he heard it. He opens the door and takes in the guy in front of him. And okay, he agrees with Zack, this guy is cute.

Alex forgets to even say hello, as he’s basically eye-raping this guy whose name he doesn’t even know.
“Um, hi.”
“Oh, sorry hi. I’m Alex.”
“Matt.” Alex doesn’t know if he should extend his hand to shake Matt’s, but the way he’s sucking on his lip ring, which Alex assumes is a nervous habit, is kind of turning Alex on. “We should, uh, get going?”
“Oh yeah, hold on, I have to grab my phone in the living room, you can come in, if you want.”
“Oh, o-okay.” Alex notices the way that Matt bounces on the balls of his feet as he’s waiting for Alex to get his phone, and he remembers how he use to do that. And that makes his heart flutter, and he feels like he’s going to cry again. He tries to push all that into the back of his mind, because this is not the time to do this.

When the two walk to Matt’s car, he opens the door for Alex, which Alex thinks is cute, and he smiles at Matt to show his thanks. The drive to where ever they are going is filled with small talk, the two trying to get to know each other. They pull up in front of The Cheesecake Factory, and Alex isn’t sure what to think.

“Zack told me you like to eat here, I hope this is okay,” Matt states, unsure, as he can’t read the expression on Alex’s face.
“Oh, yeah, I do like it here,” Alex forces a smile, and keeps telling himself not to cry. “Do you mind if I text Zack and thank him?” Alex asks as he’s still forcing a smile.
“Not at all.”
“Thanks.” Alex pulls his phone out as the two get out of the car.

To: Zack
I fucking hate you, so much. Remind me later to punch you.
From: Zack
What did I do now? And how rude! You’re on a date, stop texting me.
To: Zack
You told him to bring me to the Cheesecake Factory! I could seriously kill you.
From: Zack
Oh, get over it. We’ll talk later.

Through out dinner, Alex thinks this has to be the worst date he’s ever been on. And really, it’s inot even Matt’s fault; because, Matt seems like a great guy, and Alex does enjoy his company. However, dating doesn’t seem to be something Alex can handle right now, and, maybe he should’ve come to this realization earlier, before he agreed to go on this date, but he didn’t, and now he feels bad.

After dinner, Matt drives Alex back to his house. As they pull up in front of Alex’s house, Alex groans.
“Is something wrong?” Matt asks.
“Zack’s here, and he’s kind of the last person I want to talk to right now.”
“Why?”
“He’ll be so annoying wanting to know about how our date went and if we’re going to go out again, and he just won’t let it go, until I spill every detail, like down to how many times we laughed.”
“Oh, well, we could do something else,” Matt offers.
“Like?”
“I don’t know. We could go back to my place and watch a movie or something,” Matt suddenly seems nervous to Alex, so he tries to lighten the mood.
“I don’t fuck on the first date,” he says laughing a little.
Matt picks up on Alex’s joke and replies, “Well Zack didn’t tell me that. What a waste of time this clearly was.” And they both laugh, and Alex realizes this is the first time he’s laughed naturally in a long time. “So is that a yes?”
“Well, it is still kind of early, could we maybe go into the city and walk around? Or is that totally lame?”
“I like lame.” That simple comment from Matt has Alex spiraling downward again, and thinking that no one can compare to him. Alex again, forced a smile in Matt’s direction, and then looked out his window, trying to make it less obvious that he was about to cry, again, for what seemed like millionth time today. But that seemed to be happening a lot lately.

Alex had tuned Matt out, and only realized he was talking when Matt placed his hand on Alex’s knee, which caused Alex to jump slightly.
“You okay?”
“Um, yeah, fine. Why?”
“You were very unresponsive there for a few minutes.”
“I’m sorry, bad habit,” Alex stated looking at Matt.
“I know, Zack told me you tend to space out.”
“Oh yeah? What else did he tell you about me?”
“I don’t know, lots of stuff. I asked a lot of questions, I don’t tend to do blind dates.”
“Me either, but I didn’t ask a lot of questions. Clearly showing that I trust Zack, more than you did.”
“I barely know him! He’s just my chem lab partner, that I met three weeks ago!”
“I know. I was just kidding. I was pretty upset with him when he told me he had a date for me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do.”
“I do, but I’m not sure that now is the time to talk about that.”
“Oh, okay. Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Alex said returning his gaze back to his window.
“I didn’t know you and Zack live together.”
“We don’t. He just thinks he lives at my house. Kind of sucks that I ever thought it was a good idea to give him a key.”
“Why?”
“He is always there. He never lets me have alone time.”
“Tell him to leave?”
“I try. Shouldn’t we be in the city by now?”
“I was enjoying driving. I hope that’s okay?”
“Sure.” And it’s stupid little things like just driving, and eating at the Cheesecake Factory, and ‘liking lame’ that makes Alex realize he’s not alright anymore, and that maybe Zack was right, maybe he isn’t himself lately. Trying not to bawl in front of this really nice guy, who has taken time out of his Friday to take Alex on a nice (but really not great in Alex’s terms) date, he chokes out, “Actually, can you take me home?”
“Yeah, yeah. Sure. I um,” Matt’s forehead wrinkles and he’s sucking on his lip ring again, “is something wrong?”
“Just me, not you, not the night. Just me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Conversation for another day.”
“Oh, right, yeah, okay.” Matt is back to sucking on his lip ring, and he does so the rest of the drive back to Alex’s, as neither boy speaks.

When they pull up in front of Alex’s house, he thanks Matt.
“Do you want me to walk you to your door?”
“You don’t have too.”
“What if I want too?”
“Oh, yeah. Okay,” Alex sniffles, “sure.” Matt waits for Alex to walk around the car, and then he walks beside him up the path in front of Alex’s house, that’s barely big enough to fit the two of them walking side-by-side. When they get up to the door, Alex fumbles with his keys, and then drops them. “Fuck,” he whispers, and is sniffling again; but, makes no effort to pick the keys up, instead he leans against the door, awkwardly bending his hand to reach the doorbell, but Matt stops his hand.
“Alex, is something wrong?”
“Me,” Alex offers, and Matt doesn’t know exactly how to respond.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Everything.” Matt sees tears running down Alex’s cheeks, and can feel his hand shaking in his.
“Can you be more specific?”
“Can’t I just go inside? Just stop being nice to me.”
“I like being nice though.” Matt releases Alex’s hand, and bends down to pick up his keys. Being that there are only two keys on his key ring, its easy to see which one is the house key, and Matt opens the door for Alex. Zack immediately runs to the door; but, stops dead in his tracks as he sees Alex wiping his face.
“Thanks,” Alex mumbles, and walks into the house, and straight up the stairs to his room, bumping Zack in the process, and not apologizing or caring.
“Oh, dude, I’m sorry. I just, I thought this was a good idea for him.” Alex slams the door to his room.
“Chill Zack, we had a really good time, until he pulled like a bipolar mood on me in five seconds flat. Make sure he has my number, and let him know if he needs to talk he can text me or call me, or whatever.”
“See, I knew you were a nice guy!”
“I try.” Matt pulls Alex’s keys from the door and throws them at Zack, and leaves for the night.

Alex is sitting on his bed, with his back facing the door. He hears the door open, and Zack clears his throat.
“Just go.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Fucking, leave me alone, Zack,” Alex chokes out. Zack walks over to the bed, and sits down on the very edge. “What part of ‘leave me alone’ do you not understand?”
“The part where I’m your best friend, and won’t leave you alone, especially not with you like this.”
“You never leave me alone, even when I’m happy,” Alex laughs sarcastically.
“Alex, I’m just, I want to be here for you. I want you to talk to me. I want you to be okay again.”
“So your brilliant plan was to have me go on a blind date, and you told him to take me to the Cheesecake Factory? You’re fucking stupid sometimes.” Alex lays down, back facing Zack still, and curls up into a ball.
“I just want you to be happy.”
Alex doesn’t say anything, just pulls the sleeves of the sweatshirt he’s wearing over his hands and bunch it up and placing some of the fabric between his teeth, and he realizes that maybe it’s a good thing Zack is here, because otherwise, he’d probably be doing something stupid like making crescent shaped indents in his arms, so he can proudly say, no he’s not a cutter, and truly mean it, but get the same satisfaction as cutting gives him.
“I’m sorry,” Zack all but whispers. Now Alex feels bad because not only did he bawl his eyes out in front of Matt, but now he’s made his best friend feel like shit. Alex hears Zack walking out of the room.
“Zee, wait,” Alex says, sitting up and wiping his face with the fabric of the sweatshirt that was his; Zack, stops and turns around, looking at Alex. “I’m sorry, I’m not, I don’t think I’m ready to date yet, though. And I’m sorry if Matt never talks to you again.” Alex chuckles a little, “He probably hates me.”
“Not even close,” Zack says with a smile that could light up a room. Zack doesn’t miss the hopeful look that Alex now has adorning his face. “He wants me to give you his number, so you can talk to him.”
Alex tries to play it cool, like he doesn’t really care stating, “Maybe I’ll call him.”

***
Alex has been talking to Matt every day for the last two weeks; and, tries to be happy, but there are so many things that remind him of -- and no Alex has made a vow to himself to stop thinking of him.

Alex is currently laying on his couch, waiting for Zack to get home from his classes. And maybe today is not Alex’s best day to not being thinking of him because, it was this day six months ago that everything happened. So Alex is having a really bad day. He’s been crying for most of the day. He laid in bed until one in the afternoon, and then just moved from his bed to the couch, and that’s a lot of effort, considering he had to walk down steps. But really, Alex getting out of bed was a shock to even himself, because usually when he’s this depressed, he lays in bed until Zack drags him out.

It’s now 4:10pm, and usually Zack is home by 4:05. He’s never late. And this sets Alex into another crying fit, but he’s cried so much that now he’s just hyperventilating, and he feels so stupid. He checks his phone to see that Zack hasn’t even sent him a text saying he would be late. Alex curls up more into the sweatshirt he is wearing, and he knows its his but it doesn’t feel like it is anymore, because it’s slowly losing his scent, and this makes Alex gasp for breath even harder, until the point where he is chocking and coughing. And because he can’t breathe, he sends himself into a panic attack. And holy shit, Alex realizes that this day cannot get worse. But it does, Zack comes over to Alex’s and brings Matt (because, yet again, Zack isn’t thinking about what this will do to Alex).

Once Zack realizes Alex is having a panic attack, he sits down beside him and tells him to breathe in, and then out, for about a minute, until Alex looks at him and just nods, collapsing into Zack and chocking out sobs, but still no tears come.

Zack notices that Matt is still standing in the archway that leads into the living room, and he looks like a deer in headlights. Zack smiles at him, as he’s rubbing Alex’s back, and Matt just nods.
“You can come sit down, Matt.”
“Oh, I uh, wasn’t sure if Alex would still want me here,” Matt responds, suddenly aware of how awkward he must look standing there staring at Zack and Alex.
“You can stay,” Alex manages to get out, looking over at Matt and forcing a small, barely there smile.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” Zack conveniently announces that he has to go to the bathroom as Matt is walking toward the couch that Alex and Zack weren’t sitting on; and once he’s out of the room, Alex looks at Matt saying through sniffles, “You know if you’re not sitting beside me when he comes back out, he’s going to yell?”
“What would he do if I were to kiss you the minute he walked in?”
The statement takes Alex by surprise, and he’s not sure how to respond, because yes, he’s thought of kissing Matt, but no, today would not be the right day; but, apparently Matt has other plans as he walks over and sits beside Alex, snaking his arm around Alex’s waist, and pulling him closer, kissing the top of his head. “Don’t be so tense, if you don’t want me to actually kiss you, I won’t,” he mumbles into Alex’s hair.
“It’s not that I don’t want you too, it’s just that today, today’s just,” Alex sighs, and doesn’t bother trying to finish his sentence. Matt doesn’t press the issue anymore, just holds Alex. When Zack comes out of the bathroom, he sees Matt and Alex cuddled up on the couch, and text Martin to come over.

At 9:00pm, Matt tells Alex he has to leave, as Martin and Zack are also leaving, and suddenly, Alex feels more alone than he has recently. He looks pleadingly at Zack, silently begging him not go; but, Zack doesn’t catch on. Alex places his hands out in Zack’s direction signalling he wants a hug.

When Zack does give Alex a hug, Alex mumbles, “Please stay.”
“I can’t, I promised Martin I’d stay with him.”
“Zacky, please,” Alex is all but begging.
“Ask Matt.”
“I don’t want him to, I need you,” Alex stresses the last part.
“You’ll be fine, I promise.” Alex just sniffles in response. Usually Zack can see how broken Alex is, but for some reason, he can’t tonight. “You can always call me if things get too bad.”
“Okay.” Alex releases Zack from his grip, and waves bye to Martin. Matt walks up to Alex, as Zack and Martin leave.
“Are you going to be alright?” Matt asks wrapping his arms around Alex’s shoulders. Alex wraps his arms around Matt’s lower back, and just nods. “Alex, if you want me to stay, I can. I’ll just tell my other friends I can’t make it out to the bar tonight.”
“No, you shouldn’t have to deal with me.”
“I don’t mind.”
“Go have fun.”
“Fine, but can I at least text you while I’m out?”
“You can try, but I’m probably going to go to sleep.”
“Alright, well, text me in the morning if we don’t talk tonight?”
“Yeah.” Alex walks Matt to the door, and says goodbye. He shuts the door, and breaks down again.

Alex doesn’t even know what to do anymore. He feels like his whole life has spiraled out of control, and he’s on the verge of having another panic attack, he can feel it coming on. He slides down to the floor and takes a deep breath, and tries to stop himself from crying more. He feels stupid, because he really should have let Matt stay, because maybe he wouldn’t have had this breakdown. Once his breathing returns to a more normal rate, he stands and makes his way to his room.

He knows his thought process isn’t right when he walks to his closet, and looks for a box that’s sitting in the corner of the shelf; but, he can’t stop himself. It was a stupid present from him, but the minute he handed it to Alex, Alex was crying.

The box which is so obviously a shoe box, is decorated with pictures of him and Alex. Ones from the time they became friends until weeks prior to Alex receiving the box. When he first got the box, there was nothing inside, it was just meant to sit on his dresser to show off the pictures. However, over the next seven months that he had it out, it accumulated more pictures of the two, and little things Alex received from him.

Alex runs his fingers over one of the pictures, and its one where he’s kissing Alex’s cheek, and Alex can’t help but smile through the tears dripping down his cheeks. He sighs, and opens the box; at the same time his phone starts playing Tik Tok by Ke$ha, signaling he has a new text message. He doesn’t bother getting up because he knows its from Matt, and he just doesn’t want to talk to him right this second.

The first thing he sees in the box is a letter. And he knows under that letter is a note from him. And under that there are months and months worth of pictures. And yeah, he always said Alex was a camera whore; but Alex realizes he was only a camera whore if he was going to be in the picture. Because Alex is a little obsessive compulsive, he knows that everything in the box is in chronological order, the last thing he put in the box was the letter. Zack told him that after everything happened, maybe writing to him would help settle things. Alex thought it was stupid, but it helped a little, and once a week, he still writes to him; except all the other letters, are in a notebook, thrown under his bed.

Alex pulls the letter out, and unfolds it. He sets it down, and goes and grabs a box of tissues because he knows he’ll need them. When he looks back down at the paper, he cringes at how hideous his handwriting was the day he wrote it.

Ian,

I’m not quite sure what I’m doing, writing this and all. Zack told me maybe it would help me, but I think he’s stupid. I miss you. I don’t get why this is happening. I just want you to be here, shaking me out of this nightmare. I just wish you’d come walking through the door again, and fuck, this isn’t suppose to be happening. How am I suppose to live now? You were my everything. You were my other half. I can’t even sleep in our bed anymore, because it’s just not right. You should be there holding me, and kissing me in the morning. And seriously, writing this is stupid. It’s making me miss you more, but Zack’s standing here watching to make sure I do it. It’s only been three days. I have barely survived for three days without you, how am I suppose to go on? Fuck, and I’m sorry I was being so stupid, and we were fighting, and I told you to sleep on the couch. I’ll never forgive myself. I hate myself more than anything. But, I love you. And I know you’re in heaven, so help me through this please.

Love you forever,

Alex

As Alex expected, he’s crying like a small child whose mother just abandoned them. His phone starts ringing again, and because he’s still mad about the stupid fight him and Ian had, he throws the phone at his wall, and he hears it crack, but it doesn’t stop playing that stupid, ridiculous ringtone he actually hates, but Ian downloaded it on his phone, so he won’t change his ringtone; even though he truly hates Ke$ha.

He puts his hand back in the box and pulls out the note Ian left him, that just simply stated he was going to the grocery store to buy milk. And even though him and Alex were fighting, he signed it with a heart and his name inside it, like he always signed every note. Alex now wishes he saved every last one of the notes.

His phone rings again. “Fuck,” he groans, standing up on wobbly legs and walking over to the phone. He’s shocked there isn’t a spiderweb crack on the screen, rather its just a line at a diagonal kind of in the middle. He sees Zack was the latest culprit to make the phone ring.

From: Zack
I’m sorry I didn’t stay. I just realized what today was. I’m a terrible best friend. I fucking suck.
To:
Dude, I do not want to know what you do to Martin. But its okay.

Alex checks the other messages and they are both from Matt, but he doesn’t respond. He returns to the box, and goes to put the note and letter back in when he sees the necklace Ian got him for his twentieth birthday. He contemplates putting it on but decides that will just make him sadder every time he realizes he’s wearing it. He places the lid back on the box, and like he always does every time he’s about to put it away, he kisses his fingertips and presses them to his favorite picture of him and Ian.

His phone rings again, and its Zack.
From: Zack
No seriously. I hate life, now. I’m on my way over.
To: Zack
Don’t. I’m fine.

Even though its a total lie, Alex doesn’t want to ruin Zack and Martin’s night. But it’s too late because he hears his front door opening. And he can see Zack sprinting up his steps.
“Please don’t hate me, please,” Zack states pulling Alex into a hug.
“Za-ew why are you wet?”
“It’s raining.” And for a second, that makes Alex smile. Because, he remembers at Ian’s funeral, his parents had the preacher mention the song Holes in the Floor of Heaven; and, maybe it’s true that Ian is looking down.

***
It takes more than a couple of days for Alex to not be totally depressed. He’s still not his “happy, go lucky” self, as Zack puts it, but he’s better. He hasn’t had a break down in a few days. And yeah, that makes him happy.

He’s sitting on his porch now, watching the rain pelt the ground. He’s at peace with the world right now, well until his phone starts playing that god awful ringtone he still refuses to change. At the same time, it starts to rain harder, and Alex is pretty sure a film crew is around, because the way his life gets laid out, makes him feel like he is in a movie. Alex smiles when he pulls his phone out and sees it’s Matt. He still hasn’t told Matt his problems, and he isn’t sure he wants to, because he doesn’t want to lose Matt too; and, hell anyone would run from him right now.

From: Matt
Can I come over? I maybe kind of miss your smile.
To: Matt
I don’t think you’ve ever really seen me smile, but yes, come over.

Alex sits on his porch waiting for Matt. But gets bored, so he walks out to the sidewalk, and sits down, and he’s getting soaked, but he doesn’t really care. He looks up to the sky, as the rain hits his face, and he’s smiling, truly, like he hasn’t for a while. He doesn’t hear Matt pull up in front of the house; and, he’s still smiling, as he feels every garment on his body getting completely wet.

“What are you doing?”
Alex visibly jumps, and Matt chuckles. Alex responds, “Feeling the rain.”
“You’re going to get sick.”
“And you’ll take care of me,” Alex says in a questioning tone, but smiling at Matt.
Matt tugs on his lip ring with his teeth, unsure of how to respond, but he says, “But I’m not your boyfriend. So if you want me to take care of you, you’re going to have to say yes to being my boyfriend.” Alex just looks at him with wide eyes, and he feels the anxiety rising in his throat, and he can’t breathe. Matt is kind of freaking out too, because he just asked Alex to be his boyfriend, and he knows it was stupid, and now he regrets it. “I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from.” Alex still doesn’t respond, and Matt looks at his eyes, which are still wide, and notices they’re bloodshot, like Alex was crying. And then Alex is gasping, and that pulls Matt from his thoughts and he realizes what’s happening. He kneels down beside Alex, and rubs his back, but Alex jolts away. Matt mumbles an apology and stands up, turns to walk back to his car, when he feels Alex tugging on his right pant-leg. He looks down at Alex, and sees pure fear on Alex’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Alex says through gasp.
“Stop trying to talk. Breathe, Alex.” After about another four minutes of Alex sitting in the rain, and Matt standing in it, Alex can move, and Matt helps him stand up, but notices how shaky Alex is, so he doesn’t let go of his hand, until he puts his arm around Alex’s waist, and is walking him to his door.
“I’m sorry,” Alex repeats once they get inside.
Matt is basically chewing his lip ring off, but he doesn’t respond verbally, he just nods. He’s truthfully sick of all of this, all he wants is to get to know Alex, but Alex won’t open up.
“I can’t believe you’ve stuck around this long, dealing with me.”
“I’ve thought about leaving.” Alex’s eyes go wide again, and he isn’t sure what to think, but he knows that he won’t tell Matt about his issues now, because he’ll leave for sure then. “Um, I don’t mean to be a pain in the ass, but can I borrow some dry clothes?”
“Oh yeah, c’mon upstairs.” The two go up to Alex’s room, where he pulls a pair of dark green sweatpants out of a draw and hands them to Matt, “Oh, you can get a sweatshirt out of my closet,” then goes to his bathroom where he has a pair of black and grey plaid pajama pants he wore last night. He changes out of his soaking wet jeans that are sticking to him, and he curses himself for wearing such tight jeans. Once he finally gets his pajama pants on, he walks into his room, shirtless now, to go get Ian’s sweatshirt, except he can’t, because Matt is wearing it.
“C-could you take that off?”
“What?”
“The sweatshirt, please.”
“I mean if you want me naked, geez, just say so.”
“I don’t. I just want you to take the sweatshirt off. I’ll get you another one. Just that one is my favorite.”
“Then you should let me wear it so it smells like me.”
“No,” Alex shouts, and he’s gripping his hair, and pulling it, and tears start to run down his cheeks. He sits down on the ground, and brings his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around, and digging his nails too hard into his forearms. “No, no, no,” he repeats, voice getting softer. And he’s rocking back and forth, and this is not how he needed this day to go.
“Alex, what the fuck?”
“Just, p-please, take it off. I’m begging you.”
“I will, but you need to tell me what the fuck is going on with you. Zack never said you were crazy.”
“If I tell you, you’ll just leave faster.” Matt kneels in front of Alex, and pulls his arms until he’s released them from their mutilation,and there are little pools of blood where all of Alex’s fingers were digging in.
“Talk to me. I’m about to walk out the door and never come back. If you tell me what’s going on, maybe I’ll rethink that.” Matt let’s go of Alex’s arms, and his hands fly up to a different spot, and he’s pressing his fingernails in again. Matt slips the sweatshirt off, and goes to the closet. “ Can I wear this one?” he asks Alex, and he shakes his head yes. Matt puts it on and hands Alex the one he just discarded, but Alex doesn’t make an effort to put it on, because the relief he is getting from his nails clawing his skin, is just too good. “Alex, fucking stop it you’re bleeding like crazy.”
Alex looks down at his arms, and he is bleeding, but not ‘like crazy.’ He pulls his hands away from his arms, and then stands to walk into the bathroom. As he’s cleaning the blood off his arms (which isn’t entirely working because some of the little cuts are still bleeding), Matt walks in behind him.
“Are you going to talk?”
“M-maybe,” Alex chokes out.
“Please?” Matt puts his hands on Alex’s hips, and feels Alex jump slightly. He presses his thumbs into Alex’s skin a little, and rubs small circles. He doesn’t know what’s come over him, but he presses a kiss to Alex’s left shoulder blade and looks at him through the mirror. Alex cast his eyes downward immediately. “I just want to know what’s going on,” he states, kissing Alex’s shoulder blade, again.
“I just, I have some issues, that I’m, well I’m trying to sort through,” Alex inhales deeply.
“Please, open up to me, I’m not going to leave, I promise.”
“Promises are only made to be broken,” Alex sighs. Matt turns him around, but keeps his hands on Alex’s hips. Alex has his eyes focused on the little bit of floor he can see in between them.
“Look at me.” Alex shakes his head, ‘no.’ “Please, Alex.” When he shakes his head again, Matt removes his left hand and gently places his pointer finger under Alex’s chin, and lifts it slightly. “I’m not here to runaway. I’m not going to break that promise. I like you, Alex, a lot. But I feel like I barely know you.”
“Ask Zack about me.”
“I don’t want Zack’s side of the story. I want yours. I can tell you’re broken over something, and I just want to know what. Let’s start with what the big deal about the hoodie was.”
“It was, it is, Ian’s.”
“Who is Ian?”
“He’s my, he was, um. He was someone I was extremely close with.”
“How close?”
“We were, um, married.”
“Oh.” Matt can’t hide the shock on his face. “How long have you been divorced for?”
“We never technically got divorced.” Matt drops his hands from Alex.
“You’re still married?”
“Not technically? I don’t know, it’s fucking complicated, okay?” Alex is pulling his hair again.
“Why didn’t Zack tell me? Holy shit, why didn’t you say something?”
“Well it’s not something I exactly tell on a first date,” Alex says agitated.
“What the fuck happened?”
“He died. In a car accident. A little over six months ago. Okay? Happy now? Great.” Alex pushes past Matt, and grabs Ian’s hoodie, puts it on, and walks to a different room. Matt grips the edge of the sink, and tries to wrap his head around the information he just received.

Alex has the sleeves of Ian’s sweatshirt rolled up, and his nails are digging into his skin again, as he paces the room, mumbling about how he fucking hates life. The room he’s in, is one he never comes into anymore because he moved all of Ian’s stuff in there, and it’s kind of like a sickening shrine to Ian. But what was he suppose to do? Throw everything away? There are pictures of Ian and him all over the wall, and still mumbling, Alex just asks Ian for help, to help him be okay again.

Matt is standing in the doorway watching Alex, not knowing what to say. He clears his throat, and Alex just stops dead, but doesn’t turn around to look at Matt.
“I um, I don’t want to upset you again. I’m sorry I was so persistent on you telling me. I’ll just see my way out, and if you don’t hate me too much, text me tomorrow?”
“You-you don’t have to go.”
“Are you sure?”
“I kind of just need a hug, but I understand if you do want to go.”
“I only wanted to leave, cause I didn’t know what was going through your head.”
“I don’t know what’s going through my head half the time. Most days I don’t even want to get out of bed, but Zack makes me. My whole life felt like it ended the day he passed away.” Matt pulls Alex into a hug.
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Don’t leave,” Alex whispers, burying his hands in the fabric of the sweatshirt Matt is wearing, and resting his head on Matt’s shoulder, “Please, just don’t,” he says even softer. Matt just hums his agreement of not leaving, he’s running his hands up and down Alex’s back, and rocking side-to-side a little, in hopes that it will calm Alex down. After about five minutes, Matt’s hands rest on Alex’s lower back and he has stopped rocking, and if Matt couldn’t hear Alex slightly sniffling, he would think he had fallen asleep standing up.

“Do you want to go lay down, or something?” Matt asks Alex.
“Yeah,” Alex simply responds, untangling himself from Matt, but lacing their fingers together, and leading the way back to his bedroom, down the small hallway. When they get back into Alex’s room, Matt feels awkward, because he knows that Alex has this sick little obsession with, his husband, or ex-husband, or whatever he is considered, so he doesn’t want to lay down on ‘his’ side of the bed, so instead he just stands there, staring at Alex after Alex lays down. “Are you just going to stand there, be a creep, and stare at me?”
“I didn’t know exactly where you wanted me to lay down.”
“On the bed, duh.”
“Yeah but, I didn’t know if like, there was a spot, I was um, suppose to lay, or something.” Alex looks at Matt as if he’s the one who’s crazy. So Matt continues trying to explain himself, “Like, if Ian’s side of the bed was off limits?”
“Oh, well not really, cause it’s not his side of the bed anymore.” This statement makes Matt feel stupid, because he just doesn’t understand, so he gives Alex a questioning look. “It’s my side now.” And that makes Matt understand, so he lays down beside Alex, Alex instantly curling into Matt’s left side, and placing his head on Matt’s chest. He reaches his arm across Matt’s torso, and curls his fingers around his side. He picks his head up and looks at Matt, who has his eyes closed, and a slight smile adorning his face. Alex takes that opportunity to place a kiss on Matt’s lips, which has Matt opening his eyes, but only quick enough to see Alex pulling away, and blushing slightly.
“Thank you,” Alex says lowly.
“You can thank me in the form of kisses from now on, okay?” Alex doesn’t say anything, instead he just places his lips over Matt’s again, and lets his eyes flutter shut.
He pulls away after a few seconds and stating, “I think I may be able to handle that,” pecking Matt’s lips again, and then laying his head down, and drifting into sleep.

***
Three months later, Matt is sleeping beside Alex, when Alex jolts awake. Physically jumps. His breathing becomes heavy, and fuck, he realizes, he’s going to have another panic attack. Panic attacks have been rare since he and Matt started spending a lot more time together. Today, though they finally titled their relationship. Boyfriends. Alex chokes at thinking of that word. Boyfriend. How could he do this to Ian. His thoughts are clouded, and he has to carefully climb over Matt to get out of bed, because he suddenly can’t breathe in the room. He thinks he might be able to breathe if he gets out into the hall. But first, he finds Ian’s favorite sweatshirt, that Alex hasn’t been wearing, so its stuffed as close as possible to the wall on his side of the closet, because Matt started moving his clothes in. He slips it on, but its lost all smell of Ian, and that makes Alex hate himself even more.

He walks into the other room, and lays down on the bed, and sobs, and tries to breathe, but he can’t. He can’t gain his breath back, and he can’t stop himself from rolling up the sleeves of the sweatshirt, and digging his nails as hard as possible into his forearms, so there is an almost instant break of skin. He’s trying to remain as quite as possible so Matt doesn’t wake up to find him like this, yet again, so he presses down harder.

Alex doesn’t know what time it is, but wishes he grabbed his cell phone, so he could call Zack to come calm him down. His breathing is somewhat under control, so he decides to opt for the next best thing, and go for a walk, but as he’s walking past his room, he stops as Matt calls out to him.
“Yeah?” He questions back.
“What are you doing?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” he says lowly, pulling his sweatshirt sleeves down, and he knows if Matt sees him in Ian’s sweatshirt, it’s going to kill him, so he’s praying silently that Matt just lets it go.
“Mm, you should come lay down with me though.”
“But I’m going to go take a walk.”
“I’ll come with-”
“No,” Alex calls out a little too quickly cutting Matt off.
“What’s wrong?”
“Noth-nothing. I just can’t sleep.” Alex hears Matt getting out of bed. “Just go back to sleep, and I’ll be there when you wake back up,” he says in an attempt to maybe delay Matt coming into the hallway, but it doesn’t work, because next thing he sees is Matt, standing in the doorway with one arm resting on the door frame above his head and his head resting against his arm.
“Something’s wrong,” Matt states, rubbing his eyes, and when he finally opens them, he sees Alex, with his shoulders slumped forward, eyes downcast, and wearing the sweatshirt he wishes Alex would forget about. Matt sighs, loudly, and turns around to walk back to Alex’s bed. He thought they had made so much progress, and now, now this.
“Matt?”
Matt stops, but doesn’t turn to face Alex, he knows exactly how he’ll look, crushed. “What,” it’s more of a statement than a question.
“I’m sorry.”
“Alex, sorry isn’t always going to save us.” Matt instantly regrets those words, because truthfully he doesn’t mean them, and fuck. Why did he just say that? And when he turns around, Alex is no longer standing in the hallway. He walks toward the bedroom door when he hears the front door slam.

Alex doesn’t go far, actually, he doesn’t even cross his property line. He lays down in the grass, and just stares up at the sky, trying to pick out constellations of stars. He’s not sure how long he lays there, but he imagines it isn’t long, considering he really hates laying in grass, and he can feel the blades of grass sticking to his lower legs because he’s still in his boxers.

He gets up and goes back into the house; but, instead of going back up to his bedroom, he goes into the living room, and lays down on the couch. Curling into the fetal position, and regretting his life. Alex hears Matt walking down the steps, and can feel him staring at him, when he notices Matt’s no longer walking.
“Why are you down here?”
“Dunno.”
“Come back to bed?”
“Do you really want me to?”
“Not really, but it’s your bed, and you should be laying in it, not me.”
“Could you just not be mad at me?”
“I’m just, I don’t know. I’m not really mad at you. Well, maybe, but I don’t know.” Matt walks to the couch, sitting down by Alex’s feet. He places his hand on Alex’s ankle, and rubs it idly. There is silence for a few minutes, until Alex speaks up.
“I’m sorry.” It’s all Alex can think to say, and it’s all he really wants to say. He doesn’t want to have to explain to Matt what happened tonight, but he knows it’s the question Matt is mulling over in his brain.
“I know you’re not going to talk to me, so I’m just going to go back to bed.” Matt says, sighing at the end, but he doesn’t move, in hopes that maybe, maybe Alex will talk.
“Are you still going to be mad at me when you wake up?” Matt can tell Alex is crying, he can hear the wavering in Alex’s voice, but he also knows he can’t lie to Alex.
“I don’t know, Alex. I’m just not sure I get what’s going on with you.”
“But, I’ve been better.”
“Yes, you have. And now, you’ve been up for a few hours, I could hear you having a panic attack, you’re fucking wearing his sweatshirt again, and not talking to me. You still won’t tell me what the hell is going on, and I just don’t know anymore Alex. I don’t know what to do to help you, or save us, or anything.” Matt’s voice was raising, and he can see Alex curl more into himself, and then he feels bad, but doesn’t apologize because it was something he needed to get off his chest.
“Even if I talk to you, it won’t save us,” Alex whispers, mostly to himself, but Matt catches it.
“Why?”
“You’ll think I’m crazier than you already think.”
“I’m not sure that’s possible.”
“Just go back to bed. I’m not going to sleep the rest of the night, so it’s pointless for me to go back upstairs.”
Matt sighs, stands up and goes back to Alex’s bed, upstairs.

Alex is still laying on the couch when the sun starts to come up. He’s been laying there for hours, and he’s not even sure when the last time he blinked was. He has the left cuff of the sweatshirt bunched up and in between his front teeth as he slightly chews on it. He’s not sure what has gotten into him, or Matt for that matter, but he needs Matt to not leave him. Matt has become the constant person in his life, since Zack and Martin have gotten serious, and moved in together. He never thought Zack would leave him, and he probably really hasn’t, but it feels like it.

When Matt comes back downstairs, Alex is still laying in the same position, and he still has yet to blink. Matt walks over to him, leans down and brushes his hair out of his face, kissing his forehead.
“Well, you kind of look like shit,” Matt says chuckling a little, trying to act like last night never happened.
“Fuck off.”
“Babe, talk to me, please.”
“I’m not even sure what you want me to say anymore.”
“I just want in your mind a little.”
“No, trust me, you don’t.”
“But, I do. I haven’t really worried about you lately, but I think I need to. Maybe I should call Zack,” Matt trails off, because he knows Alex isn’t going to like that idea.
Alex sucks in a breath, because yeah he really wants to talk to Zack but, at the same time, he doesn’t want to bother him. “No, don’t.”
Matt crouches in front of Alex, because Alex is just staring at Matt’s legs, and won’t look up. “If I tell you, you’re scaring me, would you talk to me?” Alex just shakes his head, because no, he won’t just talk to Matt about this, because Matt will never understand. Matt just nods his head almost expecting Alex to not want to talk, so he isn’t that let down. Matt stands, and leaves Alex laying on the couch. He gets ready for the day, and kisses Alex’s forehead again when he leaves. Alex is still in the same spot when he returns home six hours later; which scares Matt.

Alex still isn’t entirely sure if he’s blinked. He could’ve fallen asleep, but he doesn’t remember that either. When he hears the front door shut, signifying that Matt is back, he somewhat cringes; because, yeah Matt’s his boyfriend but, he doesn’t want to see him.

“Get up,” Matt demands. Alex shakes his head ‘no’ in response. “Seriously, just get up. At least show me that you can still fucking move.”
Alex, being the smart ass he is, wiggles his fingers, stating, “There.” His voice sounds terrible, and he’s dehydrated, and the world is kind of spinning around him now that he exerted that much effort, to move his fingers and speak. He groans, shutting his eyes tightly, whispering “Fuck.”
Because Matt is such a concerned individual, he gets down on his knees in front of Alex’s face, asking “What’s wrong?”
“Head.”
“Well, I know you’re fucked up, but what about your head?”
“Spinning,” Alex breathes out; quickly moving his hands up to rub his temples. And this isn’t helping either.
“Have you drank anything today?”
“No,” Alex is basically whining now.
“Let me go get you some water.” Matt goes into the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water for Alex, bring it back to him. “Drink.” Alex props himself on one elbow and then does as told.
After he quickly drinks the entire bottle, he shoots Matt a small smile, “Thanks.”
“You should probably drink more.”
“Okay,” Alex says sitting up properly, and getting ready to push off the couch, when Matt sets his hand on Alex’s shoulder.
“Don’t think so. You couldn’t even lay down without the room spinning, you standing up is not going to smart at all.”
“Okay.”
“But when you are hydrated enough to do so, you should shower.”
“You’re an ass.”
“Your hair is greasy, and it’s going to cause your forehead to break out even more.”
“Remind me why we’re dating?”
“Cause, you need me,” Matt says simply, while leaving the room. Later that night, Alex and Matt are curled up on the couch, watching The Lion King, when Zack shows up. And maybe, Matt called him, because he’s seriously concerned about Alex; but, Alex can’t know that. Zack doesn’t even wait to be invited in, he just walks to the couch opposite of where Alex and Matt are, grabbing the remote on the way, and stopping the movie.
“Zee,” Alex whines, “This is my favorite part.”
“Which is why I paused it, duh.”
“Why are you here? Where’s Martin?”
“He’s out with some of his friends, and I miss you.”
“Huh, could’ve fooled me.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“Can we just watch the movie,” Alex says whining again.
“You’re like a five-year-old,” Matt chimes in.
“No, we can’t. You and I, need to talk.” Matt feels Alex’s body tense, and Alex looks at Matt, and gives him a look that is of pure hatred.
“I told you not to call him.”
“Who said I did?” Matt questions.
“Don’t even lie to me.”
“Alex, I’m worried about you! I’m sorry I care!”
“You should go stay at your place tonight,” Alex states getting up and moving away from Matt.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I absolutely do. Go.”
“Alex-”
“Go, Matt. Just leave.” Matt looks at Zack, who just has his eyes focused on the floor. He sighs, but goes and slips on his shoes, and grabs his keys. He looks back over to Alex who, he notices, has the sleeves of his hoodie rolled up and is digging his finger nails into his arms once again.
“Could you at least stop that before I go?”
“Could you stop trying to save me?” Alex asks in a mocking tone.
“Alex, stop being such a dick to Matt! He just cares about you! My god, let someone else care about you beside me,” Zack shouts.
“Why are you going to fucking leave me, too,” Alex shouts back.
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. You’re my best friend. Yeah, I know I got fucking caught up in my relationship, but you have Matt. And I thought, I just, I figured you would let him in a little bit; but, it’s clear you haven’t!”
“Everyone who’s cared about me, has left me, except you, Zee, and I thought you left me, too,” Alex says, with tears falling down his cheeks.
“Okay, but I didn’t. And most people leave you, because you push them away. Look at what you’re doing to Matt.” Alex looks over to Matt who is bouncing on the balls of his feet now staring intently at the ground, because, yeah this is awkward. Alex walks over to Matt, and grabs his hands, lacing their fingers together.
“I’m sorry, Matty,” Alex says, tears still running down his face.
“I just want you to be alright, Alex. I just want you to think about it. When was the last time you were truly happy.”
“When Ian was alive,” Alex says down casting his eyes to the floor.
“That’s not something to be ashamed of. Yeah, it sucks for me, but you lost the single most important person in your life, tragically. I understand that I won’t make you as happy as he did, but I’m willing to put in the effort to try.”
“What if I don’t want to be happy again?”
“You’re too cute, well when you shower, you’re too cute to be unhappy,” Matt says trying to lighten the mood just a little, and for a second, he sees a little smile break out across Alex’s face.
“Promise not to leave me?”
“I promise that if you stop hurting yourself, I will stick around. And I mean like hurting yourself in anyway, mentally, physically, emotionally.”
“So you want me to go get help?”
“I think-”
“We think,” Zack says cutting Matt off, “That you need it.” Matt just smiles at Alex, and nods.
“O-okay,” Alex says through a shaky breath, running his hand through his hair, and grimacing.
“I told you, you need to shower,” Matt says laughing, and kissing Alex’s cheek sloppily.
“Fine, I’ll go shower, but you know, I’d really like if you’d join me,” Alex winks at Matt.
“Ew,” Zack says, face contorting.
“I mean, if you’re jealous, Zee, you can join as well.”
“I think I’ll go find out where Martin is.”
“I never agreed to join him, I was going to finish watching The Lion King,” Matt states.
“No,” Alex whines, “You’re not allowed to, until I come out of the shower.”
“But it takes you forever to shower, what am I suppose to do during that time?”
Zack clears his throat, “I’m seriously going to go.”
“But, Zacky, we haven’t hung out in forever,” Alex says, pouting.
“Well shower quickly, and I’ll stay for a bit.” Alex’s face lights up as he runs up the stairs to shower; and, he does so quickly. Usually it takes him forty-five minutes, but it only took him about fifteen today. Alex runs back downstairs, and lays down on Matt, sighing dramatically.
“What?” Matt questions.
“I just hate being rushed in the shower,” Alex says pressing his head down on Matt’s chest.
“Gross, get your wet hair off of me.”
“But, Matt,” Alex exclaims, pressing his head down even harder. “Zee, turn the movie on.” Zack complies, and the trio watch the movie. Well, Zack watches the movie. Halfway through the second half of the movie, Alex props his chin on Matt’s chest, and looks up at him.
“What,” Matt whispers, placing a kiss on Alex’s forehead.
“Thank you,” Alex states equally as quiet, and places his lips on Matt’s, gently tugging at his lip ring with his teeth, which he knows turns Matt on. Matt suppresses a groan, because seriously Zack is sitting only a few feet from him and Alex, and even though he is engrossed in the movie, Matt is not comfortable with Alex doing this to him; but, Alex doesn’t take the hint. He releases Matt’s lip ring, and pushes his tongue into Matt’s mouth, and the two start to make out. Alex grinds his hips down into Matt’s, and neither can help but moan. Zack looks in their direction, but both have their eyes closed, and are seemingly unfazed by Zack being there. He stands up, and walks out the front door, shutting it loudly after exiting, only then does Alex seem to remember that Zack was there. He pulls away from Matt, and laughs, a true laugh, Matt doesn’t think he’s ever heard before. And yeah, Matt thinks he could get use to Alex laughing like that.

***
It’s a year to the day that Alex and Matt established that they were boyfriends. Alex has been getting progressively better, and Matt’s been rather patient. It’s been about a year and nine months since Alex lost Ian. He isn’t cured a hundred percent, but, he’s better. He still has panic attacks every now and again, but they are much less frequent, like almost only once a month. He still has days where he loses desire to do anything, including not getting out of bed. Sometimes, Matt drags him out; some days, he lets him lay there; and other times, he lays there with Alex, and lets Alex cuddle or stay as far away as possible.

Alex takes Matt out to dinner, and really it’s not a special occasion to Matt, but to Alex, it’s the day that could change his life, again. It only felt right to take him to the Cheesecake Factory, because well, that’s where their first date was. They haven’t been back to restaurant closest to them, in Towson, but they have gone to the one near the harbor in Baltimore, mostly because Alex just really loves their cheesecake, and it’s just not the same if they get it as take-out.

A week ago, Alex revealed his plan to Zack, and he squealed like a thirteen-year-old girl; and jumped up and down in the middle of Wal-mart, with every other customers’ and some employees’ eyes glued to the pair. Alex could have died of embarrassment.

At the Cheesecake Factory, Alex is visibly nervous, and Matt can’t figure out why. Alex made reservations, and kindly asked to be seated as direct center in the restaurant as possible; which, is a decision he now regrets. When they finally get seated (Alex thought having reservations, would mean getting seated right away), Alex gets even more nervous. He has to talk through his breathing in his head to maybe prevent himself from having a panic attack in public, because, that would be embarrassing.

They both order what they normally do, neither breaks from their routine, and neither minds. Alex had planned the whole night in his mind. He picked a busier time in the evening, which he also now regrets, and made sure there would be a bottle of red wine chilled with their name on it. Once Matt sees that, he knows Alex has something planned, but he isn’t sure. He’s chewing on his lip ring, staring at Alex, who is looking anywhere but Matt. Despite the awkwardness before their meals come, while they’re eating, they make small talk. Alex excuses himself from the table directly after they order their cheesecake; Matt ordering Oreo cheesecake, like usual, and Alex ordering Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake, also like usual). Alex meets their waiter by the restroom to give him a cheap-as-fuck ring that looks like an engagement ring, with a huge diamond on it. He had already made arrangements with the hostess to tell the waiter to meet him at the restroom. He ask the waiter to stick the ring in the Oreo cheesecake, but to make sure it was blatantly obvious it was there. When the waiter agrees, he walks back to the table, thankful the bathrooms were out of view from the table. He sits back down tapping his fingers on the table, impatiently; because, he knows the cheesecake is already made, and it does not take that long to take it from a box, put it on a plate, and stick a fake ring in one slice.

When he finally sees their waiter returning, he can’t help the smile that appears on his face. Matt looks at him like he’s dumb, but Alex can’t be bothered by that. The waiter places the cheesecakes in front of them, and sends a smile to Alex, who thanks the waiter.

Matt picks up his fork, and is about to dig in when he notices the ring, “What the fuck?” he questions loudly.
“Matty?” Alex says, Matt looks up at him, with a questioning look. “So I know this is really lame, and you’re probably not going to agree, but I was kind of, maybe, well not even kind of, I was really hoping you’d marry me?” Matt’s face is of pure shock, which makes Alex think that, yeah, this was probably the worst idea of his life. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t of asked?”
“My only question for you, before I answer you, is do I have to wear this ugly, rather girly ring?” Matt asks, with a smile spreading across his face.
“Well, duh. I spent a lot of time picking it out,” Alex states.
“Hmm, then no. I won’t.”
“I figured you say that. So,” Alex starts, pulling a box from his pocket and getting down on one knee beside Matt and opening the box, “Now will you marry me?” The ring inside is simple. It’s a white gold ring, with one diamond in it, that’s not very big. Alex takes it from the box, as Matt nods, and places it on Matt’s left ring finger. He stands up and kisses Matt, hard and needy, like he has to make sure this is all real. The people in the restaurant clap, and Alex smiles when he feels Matt smiling as well.
“Thank you, Matty.”
“For saying yes? I mean, you didn’t really give me an option, I couldn’t turn you down in front of all of these people.”
“No, well, yeah, for saying yes, but just for everything. Sticking by me in all of this, and I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
“And now, you’re stuck with me,” Matt states, still grinning, holding his hand out and looking at the ring. He can’t really believe it, but yeah, he’s certainly happy.
Later that night, when Matt is stepping into the shower, he takes the ring off, because, he’s weird like that, and knows the amount of germs that accumulate under a ring. He’s staring at it and notices “Amor Vincit Omnia” engraved on the inside of the ring. He thinks about it while showering, knowing ‘amor’ means love, but not entirely sure what the other words mean.

After he gets out of the shower, and dries his hair, he’s laying in bed, with Alex cuddled up to his side, and he’s rubbing Alex’s back.
“Alex?” Alex responds by humming in acknowledgement that Matt’s talking to him, but not exerting the effort to say what.
“What does it mean?” Alex picks his head up, to look at Matt questioning. “The saying in the ring.”
“Oh, don’t you know Latin?”
“No, do you?” Matt asks with shock evident in his voice.
“Kind of. I took it in high school. What do you think it means?”
“Something with love.”
“Yup.”
“Are you not going to tell me?”
Alex leans up and places a kiss on Matt’s lips and mumbles, “Just simply means love conquers all.”
“I love you,” Matt mumbles back.
“Oh, I guess I love you,” Alex responds pulling away quickly, and laying his head back on Matt’s chest.
“Remember, you’re stuck with me now.”
“Shh, go to sleep.”
Matt places a kiss on top of Alex’s head, asking, “Can we get under the covers?”
“I’ll keep you warm if you just shut up, I’m sleepy,” Alex says, rolling on top of Matt.
“I just don’t get why-” Matt’s cut off by Alex’s finger pressing to his lips.
“Shh,” Alex whispers, removing his finger from Matt’s lips, but not putting it down by his side.
“But-”
“Shh,” Alex says louder.
“Alex!” Matt says loudly.
Alex groans, “Fine.” He stands up, and Matt follows, pulling the covers down and getting back in the bed. “I’m still sleeping on you.”
“That’s fine, babe.”
Once Alex is settled, he says one more time for good measure, “Love you, Matty.”
“Shh, go to sleep,” Matt says laughing.
“Hate you.”
“I choose not to believe that.”
“You’re right,” Alex pauses, kissing Matt’s jaw, “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”

The two drift off to sleep with a smile on their faces, knowing that they’re going to be happy for a long time.