Masquerade

“This is a bad idea,” I said, looking at myself in the mirror. I had on a loose white shirt and a pair of black trousers. It wasn’t exactly a costume, but if anyone asks, I’d say I was a poor attempt at a pirate. The final, main piece of my outfit; was currently covering the top half of my face. It was a plain black mask which covered from my forehead to my nose.
“No,” Amy said as she pulled on her own white mask. “This is a very good idea.”
“I don’t even know if Thom’s gay…” I said softly, looking away from my reflection.
“He’s gay,” said Amy certainly.
“But you don’t know for sure,” I argued. “Just ‘cause the guy doesn’t date any girls doesn’t mean that he’s gay… Maybe he’s just…focusing on playing football or his studies.” Amy made a dismissive sound and rolled her eyes.
“Don’t you have a gaydar for these sorts of things?” she asked as she slipped on her heels.
“Maybe it’s on the fritz,” I said. Amy just chuckled.
“Kev, you’ve been lab partners with the guy for 2 years. You know him better than you think. If you don’t try tonight, you’ll kick yourself forever,” she said and I sighed. I knew she was right, but it was terrifying.
“What if he doesn’t like me back?” I asked, biting my lip.
“He does, I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you’re not looking,” she said and I sighed. “And besides, if he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t have asked to be your lab partner next year, too.”
“Yeah, but that’s just as friends. I’m a nobody,” I said heavily. “He’s a…he’s amazing.”
“You’re pretty amazing yourself,” Amy said and I rolled my eyes but didn’t argue anymore.

An hour later, Amy pulled up in the school car park. Most people were already here; we’d decided to come once it had all started up so we could just slip amongst the crowds. It worked pretty well, really. There were people everywhere, drinking punch, dancing, flirting, kissing. I was slightly overwhelmed for a moment and desperately just wanted to turn and run, but Amy’s prodding at my back sent me forward. “Have you seen him?” she asked, I just shook my head, not bothering to attempt to be heard over the thudding music. We headed further into the room, skirting around the dance floor that was packed with bodies.
“Maybe he isn't here…” I shouted to Amy, but she just frowned and didn’t bother replying. I kept my head lowered, kind of insecure being surrounded by so many people. But then Amy suddenly tugged on my shirt sleeve and motioned behind me. I turned eagerly and my eyes fell upon Thom’s recognisable, familiar figure. He was clearly dressed as Prince Charming – the skin tight beige trousers, the white shirt with the ruffled collar and cuffs, the gold waist coast, the navy blue overcoat with gold trimmings. He looked perfect. And then, of course, there was a gold mask covering his eyes. But I still knew it was him. I could tell from the way he held himself, his broad shoulders, his beautiful smile.

As though sensing eyes on him, he looked up and around. His gaze met mine and I felt myself freeze where I stood. My lips were drawn to his lips – the only part of his face that was really on display. I licked my lips almost subconsciously and I saw Thom’s lips curve into a gentle smile. He said something to the people he was with and then headed in my direction. And I still couldn’t move. I sensed that Amy had disappeared off somewhere and I felt both relieved and terrified. I couldn’t do this on my own; I couldn’t actually talk to Thom… Not yet, not about something important. Sure, I’d spoken to him plenty of times over the years, but that was mostly about science and just…random stuff. I couldn’t actually tell him how I felt. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t prepared, I- “Hey,” Thom said as he reached me. I smiled weakly, unable to really think of anything else to do. “You, um, wanna get some air?” Even though I’d only just got here, I nodded. I mean, really, I wasn’t going to say no, was I? Thom smiled down at me and I felt his hand press into my lower back as he led me back through the hall and outside.

We walked in silence for a while, neither of us knowing what to say and both of us terrified to try. We reached the sports fields, where I had so often watched Thom playing football without him noticing me, and sat down on a bench. “Kevin, I…” he started, and my head jerked up to look at him.
“You…You know who I am?” I whispered, gazing into his blue eyes that were framed perfectly by his gold mask.
“Of course,” he said, as though he hadn’t thought anything else was possible.
“H-How…?” I whispered, amazed. “Why…? I mean…” I trailed off with a blush and looked away from him, down at my hands which were restless in my lap. Thom’s hand suddenly covered mine and my attention was dragged back to his eyes.
“Same reason you know who I am,” he said and I blushed. There was no way that it would be the same reason. “I don’t need to see a small portion of your face for me to know it’s you.” I smiled up at him, my heart racing a mile a minute.
“Really?” I asked, my voice barely even a whisper.
“Really,” Thom said certainly. “I know your eyes, your lips, your smile, just…you.” I blushed and ducked my head, hoping that my mask was covering most of my flaming cheeks. I reached up to gently trace around his mask before carefully slipping it over his head. He then took mine off as well and we gazed at each other silently. “How did you know?” he whispered.
“Know?” I asked quietly.
“That I’m gay,” he said and my heart skipped a beat just hearing him confirm it.
“I didn’t,” I said honestly. “Not for sure. But I hoped.” He smiled and nodded. He turned away from me then and looked straight ahead of him, out over the sports fields.
“No one knows, you know,” he said and I just nodded. “No one can know.” I glanced up at him with a gentle frown but decided against saying anything – it was none of my business whether or not he came out. “But…at the same time…I wish they could…”
“Why?” I whispered and Thom turned and looked down at me. He was almost a whole head taller than me even though I was 6 months older than him. He gazed silently into my eyes for a moment before turning away again.
“I don’t want a secret relationship…” he said quietly and my heart melted a little. “It wouldn’t be fair on the guy…”
“Maybe it’s worth it,” I said before I could help it and Thom turned to look at me again, but this time, he didn’t look away.
“I won’t be coming out, Kev,” he whispered as he reached over and took my hand. “I want to really go places with my football. It would just…be so much easier without having to deal with the world judging me for being gay, too.”
“I understand,” I nodded. And I did. Sure, it wasn’t ideal, but I would deal with it. “Can I ask you something, though?”
“Sure,” he nodded.
“Do you, um…just because you’d want it to be secret…would you want…um…” I stammered, unsure as to how to ask my question. Hell, I didn’t even know what my question really was.
“I’d want everything,” he said passionately, not breaking the link between our eyes. I smiled gently and nodding, turning away and looking out over the fields. I wondered what would actually happen. Neither of us had actually said it, but we both knew that it was our relationship that we were talking about. I wondered what it would be like 5 years down the line, 10, 20… Would we eventually be a proper, public couple? Would he want to get married? Adopt children? “Kevin?” Thom said softly and I turned my head to him. And just then, Thom ducked his head to catch my lips with his own.

I’d always thought of the whole fireworks thing as overrated, but right then, nothing could beat the feeling that slammed into me. My eyes slid shut and my lips parted under Thom’s soft lips. My lips were tingling, my fingers were tingling, my toes were tingling. I moved my hands to Thom’s arms and gripped onto the velvety coat he was wearing. The moment felt like it last hours, but also only seconds at the same time. Eventually, we pulled apart and gazed at one another. I could feel my cheeks turning a light shade of pink, but nothing in the world could have made me break that connection with Thom. “You know, sometimes, I wondered what it'd be like to kiss you, and if you're lips are as soft as they look,” I whispered. Sometimes…who was I kidding, all the time was more like it. Thom smiled gently, stroking my jaw with his finger tip. “They are…” Thom grinned and then ducked his head to kiss me once again. It was like I’d died and gone to heaven.
“Kevin,” Thom whispered, pulling back an inch. “This isn't fair to you… I…I can't.” He stood up and for a moment I was filled with fear that he was going to leave just like that. But then I realised, I wasn’t going to let him.
“Thom,” I said, standing up in front of him and sliding my hand into his. “I know what being with you means…and really, I’d much rather be with you in secret than not at all.”
“But…I can't do it to you,” he said, shaking his head and pulling away. I frowned and quickly picked up his mask from the bench and slipped it back over his head.
“There,” I smiled. “Now no one knows you’re you and we can be together. Thom, don’t end this before we’ve even had a chance to be something.” He stared at me, his eyes shadowed by the mask so that I couldn’t read them.
“You’re really something else, you know that,” he said, stepping closer to me and wrapping his arms around my waist. I smiled and raised my hands to rest on his shoulders. “But…what if you get tired of living a secret? What if you…leave?”
“I won't,” I promised. “You have no idea how much you mean to me already… I just…I don’t want to live my life without you with me.”

Thom was silent for a moment and then we were able to hear the faint sound of music from the dance. I guessed that they had opened all the fire doors or something to get some air into the room. “Dance with me,” Thom whispered and I smiled and nodded, pressing myself closer to him. “If you get fed up with…everything, you must tell me, okay, and we can handle it together. Promise me.”
“I promise,” I whispered, resting my head on his strong chest. I smiled contentedly, I could really stay here forever. Thom sighed softly, his breath rustling my hair. “Just hold me, Thom,” I whispered, wanting nothing more than for him to keep me in his warm embrace.
“Forever, baby,” he whispered back and I smiled, already loving the endearment that he would grow to use every day. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but it would definitely be worth it.