Warmness on my soul

Brian’s POV

“Has anyone talked to Claire since yesterday?” Zacky asked curious.
“I tried to call her yesterday, but she didn’t call me back.” Val answered.
“Well, what do we say to her?”
“Get well soon, or sorry this happened both seem very stupid to say.” Johnny stated.
“Maybe we should get her a card saying «sorry you’ve got viciously beaten and robbed by a psycho».”
“Jimmy, yo- I love you, but you need to learn how to filter before you speak sometimes…” Michelle spat.
“Yeah dude… irony does not help at the situation.”
“I must’ve called her…”
“We sent her flowers.” Lacey informed.
“Flowers? Fuck, I should’ve sent her flowers…” Zacky whined.

-*-*-*-*-

I was running my ass off so I could get to Matt’s house on time, or at least before Claire did. We agreed to stay there today all together today. I tried to convince Claire to come with me but she didn’t want to; I tried everything but after a while she just started screaming at me and I gave up, she wanted to go on her car so I took off before her.
I finally reached the big house and entered as fast as I could. Because I knew my friends I immediately went to the pool area where they were hanging together.

“O- Guys- Hey, so” I said trying to catch my breath. “I took off before her, but now, she’- she must be parking here now- So –I-I need- ”
“Apparently you need to go to the gym.” Lacey stated. If it was another circumstance I would’ve laughed.
“Shut up, she- she’s gonna’ be here- any second- Just don’t act weird!”
“Well, you’re giving us a great example.” Matt chuckled.
“Just tell her she looks great.”
“Does she?”
“No! She looks like she got the crap beaten out of her but if we-”
“Ssssshhjjju-” Zacky tried to cover up what I said by making a noise and clearing his throat when Claire got to us.
“Morning.”
“Morning!”
“Morning honey.”

Then there was silence , like I just thought we were all acting weird with her. But it was hard not to. Her perfect face was considerably better than two days ago, but it was still pretty bad. She had to wear sunglasses to cover it up. She was also wearing a cast on her left arm. She walked towards the small table outside and picked a cup of coffee from there, not caring whose it was. It hurt to see that. Her face who once was always lit up by the smile she had on every day, looked now sad and full of disgust as well as her eyes who didn’t show that sparkle anymore.

“Take a good look and get over it.” She coldly said. “If you’re gonna be all weird and nervous around me… Please, stay the hell away.” She finished as she got inside the house.
“What did I say? I said don’t act weird and you all did! You’re weird people!” I yelled at them as I stormed off outside to smoke.

Claire’s POV

“Memories, sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today
Suicide of love took away all that matters
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness”

I was sitting on the window sill of Matt and Val’s room. I found comfort here. A lot of conversations and moments were spent here between me and that crazy DiBenedetto. I was blaring HIM in my mp3 player, because right now only their music would make me calm down. Suddenly when I looked up, I found Andrea smiling and talking to me, even though I wasn’t listening to a word. Sometimes I wish it was simple as this. A simple turn of the volume up and just ignore the world completely. But it doesn’t work that way so with a lot of effort I took off my phones.

“Oh, I’ll repeat it then. Uh- I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I looked downstairs and outside, but you weren’t there so-“
“You sound like a stalker.” I simply said looking back at my mp3 screen.
“I-I was just wondering you know- if you’d like some more coffee?”
“No.”
“Well then… some tea?”
“I said no!”

She looked at me with sad eyes, making me regret the words coming from my mouth in the same second. She sat on the edge of the big bed in front of the window I was on.
“I talked to Felicity. You need another pelvic exam to see if you’re healing properly.”
“I’ll take care of that myself.”
“Claire! You’ve b- Okay. I’m the only one who knows what happened, and I could, you know, I could be there for you.”
“I only need one thing from you.”
“Off course, anything…”
“Keep your damn trap shut about what happened.” I replied putting my phones back on.
After awhile I got downstairs. The guys looked happy talking to each other being the goofy characters they are. Brian was the only one who looked distant and I hated that. Most of all , I hated that was my fault.

I decided not to ruin that moment between them. They looked so relaxed without me. My presence would only cause trouble or weirdness, and I didn’t need that, neither did them. I walked to the kitchen alone and sat on a chair taking deep breaths trying to get my mind out of the dark places I kept thinking about.

“You’re here to spy me.” I stated feeling Michelle enter the room.
“What?” She asked , looking sincerely confused.
“Andrea or Brian. They sent you to check on me.”
“Actually I came looking for you on my own. I figured your day must’ve been pretty weird and thought you’d like some of the sugary deep fried battery we’re eating.” She informed showing me the box of doughnuts she had on her hands. “So, are you-”
“I swear if you ask me if I’m okay I’ll smash your head with this damn cast.”

“That was not what I was going to ask.” She said grabbing a chair and sitting beside me. “You know, I remember hearing stories in my family when I was little, stories that are still told to this day. I had an uncle who was addicted on drugs and when he dropped out he started running. You got to be addicted on something right? And my mom tells me and Val he would took off in the middle of the night and run, for hours. Until the day where he got clipped by a mini-van. I mean, he didn’t end up with half of the injuries you have, but he started craving pills again. And I remember perfectly, before you left Huntington for the first time and your dad died, you kind of got hooked on sleeping pills because you were having so many nightmares. So I was just wondering are you craving pills now?”

“I have a strong pain tolerance, my arm was stitched without any kind of pills or medication involved. I’m not afraid of feeling pain. I’ve felt so much in my life that I think I just got used to it. So don’t worry about that. Anything else?”
Michelle looked at me petrified at my answer without knowing what to answer. I wouldn’t have an answer either. Can’t blame her.

I wasn’t sure if things with Brian were fine hundred percent. Not since our fight this morning. I wanted to go with him to Matt’s house, I did. But I couldn’t. Just the fact of being around him hurt me. It hurt to know I was lying to him. It hurt me when he touched me. But it shouldn’t feel like this. Dan did this to me. Not him. Brian was the man of my life, I knew that, but things were weird now. Weird because he doesn’t know the full story, weird because I didn’t know where this could go.

The ride home was silent and we quickly got home. As soon as I got inside, I took my jacket off and went upstairs with Pinkly on my arms. I got inside the bed, and grabbed some book which was hanging on the bedside table , not paying attention to any of the words I was reading. The book was on my lap and often I would reach to my side to pet Pinkly’s furry head.

“Hey sorry for running out from you this morning…” Brian apologized as he entered the room. He got close to me kissing my forehead softly and reticent. “You want me to grab us something to eat?” Brian asked.
“Excuse me? What is the deal with you people and food? I don’t want coffee, or tea or doughnuts, I just want to be left alone!”
“I,- I’m just trying to be thoughtful.”
“No. You came here to check on me.”
“I didn-”
“I just need everybody to back off!”
“Okay… I’m not everybody! I’m your boyfriend!... I’m in this with you.”
“You are not inside this Brian. You have no idea.” I replied on the verge of tears. “And I hate the way you’re looking at me. So- Ju-Just stop.” I got out of bed furious not looking behind. “I can’t take it! I Can’t breathe!”
“Claire!”

For the rest of the night I didn’t see Brian. When I came back to the bedroom he wasn’t there but I could hear the television downstairs. I read some more, this time putting an effort in paying attention. I felt my eyes getting heavier so I put the book back on the bedside table and adjusted myself on the bed staring at the ceiling. After some more minutes I heard footsteps coming from the stairs and closed my eyes. I heard him entering and closing the door behind him, and turning the lights off. I felt the bed move when he got under the blankets. He gave me a kiss on my shoulder very tenderly making me shiver, not in pleasure but in disgust. I wasn’t disgusted for Brian’s action. I was uncomfortable with my own skin and it wasn’t his fault. But I couldn’t.

“Don’t.” I whined.
As soon as I spoke Brian quickly got away, staring at the ceiling as well , sighing.
“What can I do?” He whispered. Just by hearing that my heart twitched in pain. I could feel he was hurt and I just wanted to hug him and bring him close to me, to kiss his soft lips, but I have to keep being this new Claire. The cold heartless bitch. This was my mask. “What do you need?” I felt the pain in every word coming from his mouth.
“Lay really close to me. But don’t touch me.”
He did as I told him to. And we fell asleep like that. Mere inches away from each other.

I woke up next morning on the exact same spot of the bed, with Brian still on my side. I tried my best not to move, but I failed making Brian wake up as well. I looked at him and he gave me a soft smile.
“I know I should leave you alone. But here’s the thing… I can’t. You’re not ready.”
“Brian..-”
“I know you. It’s fine. It’s early we should sleep some more.”
“Okay.”
And at the exact same spot, trying to show my affection, I reached for Brian’s hand. He smiled as our fingers intertwined and we quickly drifted off to sleep again.

Today we agreed to repeat the process of yesterday, this time on Zacky’s house. I never wanted to go. But I did, for Brian. As they played play station inside I went outside sitting on a chair next to the pool.
“Hi!”
“Hi. How are things between you and Zacky?”
“Oh, they’re great.”
My eyes fell again on my lap as awkward silence arrived.

“Need something?” I asked Andrea who was staring at me.

“It was summer, you know. We had a fight and he put me off the house. I never thought he would do that, but I felt relieved! I thought my life would change then. I thought that was a good thing. Like I was saying, it was summer, so I left the window open at night because that was the only way to cool off. So at first when I felt his breath on me, I thought «finally! Breeze.» and then I opened my eyes. He wrapped one hand around my throat and with the other he ripped off my panties, he whispered to me «Shh, shh, shh, shh, shhhh» like when you do when you sing to a little baby when you try to put him to sleep. He told me not to make a sound and when he finished he slammed my head against the wall until me hair was sticky with blood. I thought that if I stayed quiet it would be okay. Like it never happened. Because things like that… well, they don’t happen to people like me. Or to people like you. So I just wanted you to know, that I get – I get it. I get it Claire. And I’m here for you.”

And she left me alone again. Scared, crying, lonely, sick. I couldn’t contain myself anymore so I stood up crying and screaming, kicking chairs and table on Zacky’s yard letting my fury escape.

Brian’s POV

“You’re cheating fucker!” Johnny whined.
“You are short shit!” Matt replied.
“Okay, calm the fuck down people! Stop screaming and focus on the game retards!”
“Shut up Mr. Sexy and you know it!” Everybody laughed to Jimmy’s remark while I just chuckled. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. “Okay guys shut up I need to pick up the phone!”
“Oh who is it, is it your gay lover Syn?”
“Dude-” I looked at the screen, getting startled by the name on the screen. “Everybody shut up! It’s Adrianne!”
While I talked to the agent every one stopped fooling around and shut up. They stared at me while I listened.
“So?”
“They have him. They caught Dan.”