Warmness on my soul

Brian’s POV

“They have him. They caught Dan.”

The guys looked petrified at me. My hands started shaking and I started thinking that maybe we could put an end to this. But that was on Claire.

“What did she say Brian?”

“She-she said they caught him, but they need Claire to ID him.” I answered running an hand through my hair.

“What?! Why the fuck do they need to put her through that? I mean, everybody saw him at the wedding, if they don’t want that, they could simply call Andrea...” Matt spat.

“What’s wrong with people? Did they say that they wanted Claire specifically?” Lacey asked.

“Yeah... yeah they did. I just don’t understand...” This whole situation was so surreal.

“Have you thought how are you gonna get her to go there? I mean, she barely talks to anyone now, I doubt she’s different with you. You can see the disgust on her face with every move she makes. How the hell is she going to agree on fucking ID Dan?”

“I-I have no idea… I just… I don’t know what can I do anymore.” I sat in the nearest chair resting my head in my shake, sweaty hands.

“Hey , calm down bro… Everything’s gonna fall into place again.”

“It’s not that simple Zack… I’ve been trying my best to help her but things only seem to get worse…” I raised my head to find all of my friends with sad faces surrounding me. All of them except for Andrea. She was in the corner of the room playing with the hem of her shirt. In situations like these Andrea would always be the first to tell you everything was going to be okay, but right now, she just looked… weird. Almost like she knew something that she wasn’t telling me. “I have to find a way to get her there…” I finally said.

“Don’t worry man, we’ll help you out.” Jimmy said giving me a soft smile.

“I don’t think she’ll agree to ID him. I mean, not even I want to see him and I’m not the one who got attacked.” Val said.

“See… You’re thinking way too ahead. Let’s worry firstly about getting her there, then think about the rest.” Matt pointed out.

“Yeah I think you’re right.” I agreed. “What if I told her Adrianne needs to talk to her? Maybe she’ll go there with me.”

“That’s probably your best shot.” Johnny said.

“I can’t believe I’m lying to her…” I sighed in frustration.

“C’mon, you’re doing this for her own sake. Plus, you know that when this is over, she’ll thank you for doing this. For not giving up on her.”

“Yeah, thanks Lacey. Thank you, all of you. Really.”

“It’s nothing bro… Now go find your girl!” Jimmy instructed me. I stood up slowly trying to avoid the lack of clarity in my head. “She’s outside.” Andrea spat, before I could think where to look for Claire.

My steps were a little bit shaky and my vision was blurry due to the tears I’ve been holding back these past days. My heart skips a beat every time I look at her bruised face, or every time she looks at me almost as if she’s disgusted. The last one I haven’t quite figure out, but that’s okay. Because I promised her that I wouldn’t let her fall, and I’m gonna keep my promise.
Claire’s been drawing a lot lately, always with this little black notebook. And I watch as she drags the pencil furiously over the pages nearly ripping them apart, but I never thought of opening it. Maybe I’m too scared to find what’s inside.

As I stepped outside to look for her I started seeing some things on the floor, and as I reached further into the backyard I started seeing a broken chair on the ground and Zacky’s table split in half. Finally I saw Claire on her knees, crying and hugging herself as she sobbed.

Seeing that gave me the chills, but I was soon brought back to reality when it finally hit me. That was my girlfriend, my Claire, my Freckles.

“Claire! Oh Jesus…” I ran to her making her wide green eyes stare at me. Tears started to stream down my face instantly. To my surprise and for the first time in days Claire opened her arms to me and I quickly opened mines back and held her, inhaling her sweet scent that after the late events remained intact. “Baby… Please, talk to me… What happened?”

“Bri-just get me out of here…” I nodded. Even though I was confused and scared shitless with Claire’s behavior I wouldn’t back off. If she ignored me, if she desperately needed me like right now… I’ll be here for her. I took her to my car bridal style not looking back to my friends.

“Where can I take you? Where do yo-”

“Just take me somewhere, anywhere…” She stopped crying now, but clearly she was mentally exhausted.

Not caring where I was driving us, I irrationally drove to our favorite place. The beach. ”Is this okay?” She nodded. I took my cell phone out of my pocket and started to press the numbers. “What are you doing?” Claire asked preoccupied.

“Oh… nothing. Just telling the guys were okay. Don’t worry about that.” I gave her a soft smile. God! I really hated this lying thing. I just texted Adrianne telling her that I may need some time to get Claire to go there, but I promised she would do it.

“Feeling any better?” We were sitting in the sand now and Claire’s eyes were locked in the ocean.

“Yeah.”

“I- I… Listen Claire. I just want you to know… I know you’re sick of people telling you things will be fine, things will get better…I just want you to know that I get you. I really do. To me, in all honesty, that sounds like a bunch of bullshit. Things are so screwed up right now… This is rock bottom. Things will get better my ass. It can be the truth, maybe one day we’ll start living again, but right now, I hate my life… Right now… I don’t see things getting better. Things are fucked up to a level I never thought it existed. So that’s why I hate those things they say, I mean, I love my friends I really do, but they have no idea. They have no idea what it’s like. For fuck sake not even I have idea how you feel right now. I do know that I just feel numb at the moment, you know… Almost like everything’s happening in slow motion around me and there’s nothing I can do to make things go forward. But of one thing I’m fucking sure Claire, I won’t leave you, even if things get even worse than they are now. We’ll get through it together. Maybe it’ll take some time… well yes. But I’m not going anywhere, and I know that you’re not going anywhere either. I just want to be sure you know, that I’m here, and I will be here until the very fucking end okay? I’ll be here until… «things get better».” I finished my speech putting some emphasis on the last words almost joking with the situation.

According to my expectations Claire did not answer me. Instead she did something way better. She intertwined our fingers and rested her head on my shoulder letting out a loud sigh. And for
the first time in days I smiled.

We stayed like that for awhile when I decided to bring the talk.

“Hey Claire…”

“Hum?” She raised her head from my shoulder, looking at me.

“So… Adrianne called me. She said she needed to talk to you for some reason…”

“Oh did she. Okay. Like now?”

“Well… if you want to…”

“Okay, that’s fine.” She stood up not looking behind and I followed her.

As we were driving I couldn’t help but shake, I was so damn nervous because I was lying to her.

“No need to be shaking, she wants me not you.”

Once we were inside I didn’t know what to do at all. I decided I should go talk to Adrianne firstly and leave Claire waiting. After some minutes talking and explaining the whole situation to Adrianne she was very comprehensive but she also told me that she needed to ID Dan before it was too late. And we did not want that. I walked to the chair where Claire was sitting to find her playing with her black berrie.

“Hey baby.”

“So, what does she want?”

“Okay, I have great news. I’m gonna tell you this, but please promise me you won’t freak out.”

“Spill it.”

“Claire? They need to talk to you. It’s something very important. There’s no need to be scared babe…”

“I’m not scared, I’m busy. I have Tanya’s emails to read. ”

“Baby, please it’s okay to be afraid.-”

“Brian! I’m not scared! Tanya’s waiting. You go.”

This was going to be harder than I thought. And in the middle of this situation, only to make me feel worse, there’s Tanya. Still doesn’t know anything. Claire certified that none of us would tell her shit about shit. And that was killing every one of us. Every time she called and we lied it hurt. But at least she’s having fun in her honey moon. Fuck it she deserves it.

“Okay, they caught Dan.”

“They what?”

“They have him babe.”

“Well, did he say anything? What he did?”

“No… He didn’t say a word.”

“So we’re ready to go?”

“Claire, huh- I’m sorry, I don’t think you understand , he is in there.” I said pointing to the room where I previously spoke to Adrianne. “All you have to do is ID him and they can charge him.”

“I’m going home.”

“Claire, you need to-”

“I need to what Brian? Uh? Need what?”

“Babe please, just, this is your chance to put this guy away, for you and for Andrea. I’ll be with you the whole time and then this will be ov-”

“It’s already over Brian.” And with that she left me alone.

The ride home was made in total silence. I didn’t dare to open my mouth. I entered the house and Claire decided she wanted to take Pinkly out. Maybe that would be good for her, for both of us in fact. I grabbed myself something to eat and sat on the couch watching tv waiting for her to come back. I jumped when she opened the door all of a sudden.

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll ID him.” Hearing this I stood up from the couch and took a step forwards her seeing her reaction, her eyes were locked with mine so I opened my arms and hugged her tightly to my body.

“I’ll call Adrianne, when do you wanna go?”

“Actually Brian, I was thinking maybe you could let me go with Michelle.”

“Oh. Michelle really? Why?”

“No reason, I just want to go with her. And I just thought it would make things easier for me if you weren’t there. Don’t take this the wro-”

“Okay.”

“Is that okay?”

“Sure. Off course, whatever it takes.”

Claire’s POV

Andrea’s speech kept replaying in my head, over and over again. “He wrapped one hand around my throat and with the other he ripped off my panties, he whispered to me «Shh, shh, shh, shh, shhhh» like when you do when you sing to a little baby trying to put him to sleep. He told me not to make a sound and when he finished he slammed my head against the wall until me hair was sticky with blood. I thought that if I stayed quiet it would be okay. Like it never happened. Because things like that… well, they don’t happen to people like me. Or to people like you. So I just wanted you to know, that I get – I get it. I get it Claire. And I’m here for you.” I felt so sick with what she said to me. I’m so sick of every person that tells me that every things gonna be fine, when it’s not. Not right now. Poor Zacky… I broke his fucking table on half. Then Brian came and took me away of the mess that I made, like he always does. He took me to the beach. He took me to the place where I can drown my problems, where I can clear my mind and just watch as the waves come and go. And then he started talking. I thought he would give me some other lecture about how things would turn around and how we would go back to our lovely life and erase this out of our memories, but no. Brian is way more human than that. “To me, in all honesty, that sounds like a bunch of bullshit. Things are so screwed up right now… This is rock bottom. Things will get better my ass. It can be the truth, maybe one day we’ll start living again, but right now, I hate my life… Right now… I don’t see things getting better.” Finally I heard something real. I heard what I wanted to hear all along. Not somebody saying things would get better but someone understanding me. I myself wasn’t seeing things getting better, in fact, things only seemed to get worse. .” I just want to be sure you know, that I’m here, and I will be here until the very fucking end okay? I’ll be here until… «things get better».” I smiled to myself at his words. This was the reason I woke up every day. This was the reason I kept trying harder to smile. I had to keep trying, for him. He was my strength, and in a way I believed I was his too. I rested my head on his shoulder and put our hands together in the sand as a way to show my love for him, I knew that that gesture was so little, but it meant so much, I just hoped he realized it. Even though I wanted to kiss him, hug him, and play with his hair as a way to calm him down, all I could do was this. He must be so confused with my actions. But it’s my fault. I should’ve told him it happened, that Dan did this to me. But it would kill him. It’s better to have only one of us dead inside. Deep down, I think the guys already know… Maybe Andrea told Zacky, I wouldn’t blame her for that, and Zacky couldn’t keep his mouth shut to his best friends. But at least they were keeping it away from Brian. And Tanya, off course. If she knew anything of this, she would come back from Bali immediately. She left the wedding in a hurry with all that happened. I made sure no one told her anything. She’s been taking care of me since my father died, I own her this. She deserves happiness. It obviously hurts me to lie to her in every email I send her, telling her everything’s fine but like Brian, I also feel numb in a way.

“Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll ID him.” After taking a walk with Pinkly, and thinking about my life I decided to do it. I had to do it fast though or else I would lost my courage. He was right and I knew it. I mean, if he was locked away it wouldn’t heal my soul all of a sudden but it would for sure help a little bit. Going with Brian was out of the question though. I was afraid I could have another one of my breakdown’s next to him, and see him cry again was not on my plans. It only made me feel sicker, for not being able to make him feel alive again. When I told him I’d ID Dan his eyes lit up and he hugged me crushing me against his chest. I didn’t hug him back, I tried, but
failed.

I called Michelle and she accepted my invite instantly. I chose Michelle just because. I couldn’t go with any of the guys because obviously they would tell Brian every detail. Val was Matt’s wife so it wouldn’t work out, Lacey was with Johnny and Andrea… well Andrea was totally out of the fucking question for obvious reasons. Michelle just seemed right. As we entered the room, Michelle kept caressing my arm, it was like I could hear her saying, “Honey it’ll be okay.” And then I saw at least five men in front of me, in the line-up. Adrianne was telling the man to take a step forward and back. When she reached number four, I started shaking furiously. “Claire? You okay?”

“Yeah, he’s not here.”

“Claire are you sure?” Adrianne asked.

“I said he’s not in here, you don’t have the right guy, sorry.”

We came back home and I saw Zacky’s car in the drive way which meant he was with Brian. As I entered the house I saw Brian , Zacky, Andrea and Pinkly on her lap. Brian ran to me dropping his acoustic guitar to the floor. “So what happened?”

“Nothing. He wasn’t there. Sorry.”

“Really? Adrianne was so sure…” he sighed. “It’s okay, we’ll get him next time.”

“No Brian. No next time. I’m done. Hey guys, thank you for coming, but… I think I’m gonna head up to the bedroom okay? See you tomorrow.”

“Bye honey.” Michelle said.

“Yeah we’re heading to our place as well. Don’t give up bro.” Zacky said hugging Brian.

Brian’s POV

“I’ll be there in a minute Z.”

“Okay. Do what you have to do.” Zacky left my house leaving Andrea looking at me.

“What do you have to do? What’s going on?”

“So, you might want to sit down.”

“I’m okay, spill it.”

“I made this promise, but I cannot keep it. Because I know that keeping this secret is damaging Claire way more than she’s been already. Just-” I could see she was nervous and this was making me uncomfortable.

“What are you talking about?” I was afraid to hear what was coming next, I really was.

“She was raped Brian.”