Warmness on my soul

“I’ll be there in a minute Z.”

“Okay. Do what you have to do.” Zacky left my house leaving Andrea looking at me.

“What do you have to do? What’s going on?”

“So, you might want to sit down.”

“I’m okay, spill it.”

“I made this promise, but I cannot keep it. Because I know that keeping this secret is damaging Claire way more than she’s been already. Just-” I could see she was nervous and this was making me uncomfortable.

“What are you talking about?” I was afraid to hear what was coming next, I really was.

“She was raped Brian.”

At first I thought I misunderstood what she said but then when I started replaying that sentence over and over again in my head, somehow it all made sense. The way she had been acting lately, the way she avoided my touch, the way she didn’t look me in the eye, the way she barely kissed me. It all made sense. And I felt stupid for not realizing what was going on before, when most likely everybody knew already. Everybody saw the signs but I was to blind with fury. How am I supposed to deal with this? How on earth… This just wasn’t supposed to happen. She didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this, we didn’t do anything and this monster had to come along and ruin everything. I just hope this won’t be the end of us. When everything was going so well…

“She was raped Brian.” I snapped out of my thoughts with Andrea’s voice repeating those words that made me flinch. I sighed, feeling my whole body numb and suddenly I felt my mind block, I couldn’t think about anything I couldn’t feel anything, my mind was blank. Meanwhile Andrea just looked at me with a sad face. “Claire was raped.” She nodded, almost like what happened to my freckles just hit her as well. I felt a cold tear escape and running through my face and sighed again. “Brian-” she said putting her hand to my cheek. “-it’s okay, just let go.” Yeah, maybe letting go was a good idea. And with that I automatically hugged Andrea, resting my head on the crook of her neck , seeking for comfort from this person who has been through what my girlfriend is now. She rubbed her hand on my back as a way to calm me down but it wasn’t working, I only sobbed more and more and hoped Claire wouldn’t come down to find me like this.

“So you have to be very gentle with her…” I nodded looking to the petit blonde in front of me whipping some of the tears away. “Because what she needs right now is someone to love her, no matter what… Even if she chooses to do the wrong thing.” She stated. I nodded again covering my eyes with my hands. Even if she chooses to do the wrong thing. I looked at Andrea again confused, hoping she didn’t mean with that what I was thinking she did. She nodded once with her head. Oh my God. The lineup. Dan was there. And she didn’t ID him. Poor baby, she couldn’t. Of course she couldn’t…

Andrea pulled me to her again and a few more tears escaped from both of us, then she gave me a soft smile and left.

I was left alone with Claire once again, but this time I was afraid and way more aware of my actions and its consequences . I decided I needed a glass of water before I went upstairs. Only when I picked up the jar I realized I was shaking furiously. I needed space to breathe but the walls seemed to be coming closer and closer. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and went outside. It was dark outside and cold, but right now the weather didn’t bother me at all. I kept trying to figure out what to say, trying to formulate a speech but nothing came out. Only tears. After smoking one more Marlboro cigarette and realizing smoking wasn’t helping me to calm down I went inside again to find Pinkly on the couch looking at me with wide eyes. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or maybe my insanity starting to rise, but I swear that dog knew what was going on. With each step I took I felt more tears in the back of my eyes and I couldn’t do anything to stop it, it was like how much more I tried to held it in, the more they would roll of my face. I stopped at the door taking a deep breath. I whipped the tears again with no excuse, she would obviously see that I’ve been crying compulsively but at the same time I didn’t want that to happen. I adjusted my beanie and finally opened the door.

Claire was sitting against the head board of the bed with one of my gifts in her lap. The smaller sketchbook I gave her. She feverishly carved the pencil on the sheet stopping when she saw me. There was no life in her green eyes anymore and her gorgeous rose lips never smiled anymore. There was still some purple colors on her face, but I still found it beautiful, I would never stop finding it beautiful. I never saw flaws in her, she was perfect. I roamed my eyes through her little nose and freckles and then lowered my face. I could see she was looking at me and her expression fell. She could see that I knew.

“You know.” She half asked half stated putting the sketchbook aside. I opened my mouth to talk but nothing came out and more tears started to form. She tried not to cry while looking at the wall in front of her while I reached her, sitting next to her on the bed. I hold her hands in mine forcing her to look at me. And without any rehearsals I said what came to my mind.

“I love you. I’m deeply in love with you. I will love you forever. No matter what, and just- I’m yours. Okay? I’m yours.” She pressed her lips together and nodded somehow managing to keep the tears in. Damn, she was indeed stronger than me. I was standing here in front of this girl who just has been through hell and I was the one sobbing like a little child. “I understand why you can’t ID that man, I do, I really do- but, but he cannot go free. That man he cannot go free. You-y-” I sighed feeling the more tears fall. “Claire, you have to be able to sleep at night-you- you have to be able to breathe, and you have to be able to be you… again.” She swallowed the lump in her throat and let one single tear fall. “So I don’t want you to worry, you’ll be protected. I will… uh- I will get a gun!” She sighed and looked at me. “I will make it look like it was an accident. But that man, Claire, that man will not go free. It doesn’t matter what’s going to happen to me, but I guarantee you that man is not going free. I prom-”

Her hand on my lips shushed me as she looked at me almost smiling, and that soft skin of hers made my heart skip a beat and my eyes close. She proceeded to cup my face with both hands and my eyes met hers.

“Oh Brian…”

Now we were both crying but her arms were around my neck and we were comforting each other and everything was fine on that moment.

I woke up in my bed fully clothed with my beanie still on. Claire was lying next to me still sleeping. We weren’t even under the covers which leaves me thinking that we fell asleep crying. Last night was tough, but it was somehow good. I’m grateful that I know the truth now. I wonder if it wasn’t Andrea, would Claire ever tell me what happened. I still had my doubts. I felt her move next to me and she opened one eye and then the other.

“Morning.” I said to her afraid she would ignore me again. Her eyes were still red from the previous crying and I bet mines were too.

“Good morning Brian.” She answered giving me a soft smile. I felt relieved, maybe last night was indeed a good thing. I had my eyes on hers and saw her come closer, when she was mere inches from my face and stopped, wanting me to go meet her halfway. “Your move.” I whispered. And that was all it took for her lips to meet mine. It wasn’t a passionate kiss obviously, neither a rough one. It was more of a soft peck, like a first kiss should be. And this was a first kiss for us after the late events. Feeling her lips I just wanted to hover her and drive her mad, I wanted to make her squirm beneath me and I wanted to hear her moan and beg for me. But again, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I just prayed our lives were back to normal, if our sex life would come along to, yes, that would be extremely nice, but now, not my current worry. We separated and she gave me a soft smile again and I smiled back. “Thank you.” Her smile grew wider with my mark, and that was the most beautiful thing I saw in days. But right after it her face became hard again. Mine did too. “Brian, can you-”

“Yeah, whatever it is, what do you need?” I quickly said.

“Can you call Adrianne?” Thank God.

“Of course. Yeah. I’ll do that now.” I started to get of the bed. “Do you need anything else, you know- I’ll bring you breakfast in a minute just-”

“Breakfast would be nice, thank you. But call her please.”

“I will. And Claire, thank you for doing this. Really.” I kissed her forehead and left the room running at the speed of light downstairs to grab the phone. After some seconds she answered.

“Hey, Adrianne?”

“Hello- uh- Brian?”

“Yeah, hey, is there any possibility Claire can do another lineup?”

“Wait, Brian she already-”

“I know, I know. But c’mon Adrianne… Listen I’ll talk to you when we get there but please!”

“Wait you’re coming here now? You can’t, she had her chance.”

“We’ll be there in an hour, and you better have that lineup ready for us, bye.” I hang up before she could answer, I couldn’t lose this opportunity.

“So…. What did she say?” I turned around to see Claire looking at me with wide eyes.

“She said they’ll be ready for you in an hour.” Liar. “And I was going to serve you breakfast in bed, you didn’t need to come down here.”

“I know, but I wanted to. And since we need to go soon…” I’m glad she didn’t change her mind. “Don’t worry Brian, I’m not going to change my mind.” She smiled at me putting her hand on top of mine. I nodded. We had our breakfast and then went to the bedroom so we could get ready.

“You ready Claire?” I knocked on the bathroom door, we were already late. “Claire?”

“Wait a minute.”

“Claire c’mon… I’m going in.”

“Brian! NO!” I opened the door but quickly regretted it. Claire was still in her underwear and in a quick reflex grabbed a towel to cover herself.

“Claire, I’m so SO sorry- I … sorry.” I turned my back to her not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

“No, Brian, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I mean-”

“Never mind… It’s totally normal that you-”

“Brian.” She put her hand on my shoulder turning me to her. I couldn’t help but to look at her bruised body.

“Claire- Remember when you had the accident?” She just nodded. “Well I told you back there when you those bruises, you’re beautiful.”

“I- just don’t want you to be disgusted.”

“I’m not. Believe me I’m not. I’m disgusted at the man who did this to you.” She flinched at my words. “God, I’m sorry, I’m always fucking up.”

“No you’re not. Just let me get dressed so we can go, okay?” I gave her a soft smile and left her alone.

When we got to the police station the first person we saw was Adrianne sending me a death glare. Unfortunately she cannot scare me with those glares like Val can.

“Good morning.” Claire shyly said.

“Listen, we have a lot to talk.” Adrianne was talking directly to me completely ignoring Claire.

Bitch.

“Yeah, l’ll explain everything to you but can we do the lineup now or what?”

“You better explain what the fuck is going on. Follow me.”

Adrianne conducted us to a room. A typical cop tv show room. Where you have a mirror in the middle separating you from a lineup of guys. We saw them but they couldn’t see us. I instantly recognized the bastard and my fists clenched. I got closer to the mirror and if it wasn’t Claire lacing her fingers in mine I would’ve hit it. Keep it together Haner, keep it together.

The cop standing next to us had a remote in his hand which he pressed so the men on the other side were listening. “Number one step forward.” And the guy did. God! We’re really wasting this whole time. “It’s number four.” Claire said. Clearly she was thinking like me. “You sure?”

I looked to her face and it showed disgust, and repulse but not fear, and that made me happy. Maybe things would get back to normal after all.
“It’s number four.” She repeated.

Fortunately when we got out Adrianne wasn’t around so I could avoid talking to her. Me and Claire got to the car and she still wasn’t talking. Seeing Dan had me pretty choked up with rage, I’m pretty sure it did the same to her. When we parked home I decided to speak.
“Hey, thank you for doing this. He’s gonna get what he deserves.”

“What will be will be.” She was smiling looking through the window of the car. Weird.

“Claire, are you- I mean you seem fine, are you fine?” I asked. She looked at me smiling wider.

“I’m right as rain.”

“I mean, I just want you to feel okay. Now you’re safe.”

“I’m in the driver’s seat now.”

“Of course you are. But listen, I know recovery is a process so it’s okay to not be fine. But we’ll get through it like I told you: together.”

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

“Yeah, exactly. And things will be back to normal, you’ll see. I will-”

“Brian. It’s always darkest before the dawn.” She answered me with a smile and got out of the car. I’m starting not to like this that much.

“It’s always darkest before the dawn…” I said to myself sighing.

We decided to hang around at our place today. I called the guys and in a minute they were knocking at our door.

I was sitting on the couch with the guys and we were previously playing guitar hero although now we were taking a break.

“Hey, open your mouth.” Jimmy demanded Matt.

“Fuck yeah! Like a boss dude!” Jimmy screamed after succeeding at throwing a chip at Matt’s mouth and him catching it.

“Let me try it!” I said aiming at Zach this time. I threw one, two, three, four chips and failed, making the guys laugh.

“Hey Johnny come here let me throw you to Matt’s mouth!”

“Oh fuck you Rev.” We all laughed at their convo. This made me realize how much I missed my best friends, our silly moments and all of the rest.

“God I missed you guys…”

“We miss you too bro. But you’re doing the best thing you could ever do. You’re right beside her, and she needs you.” Zacky said.

“So I’m assuming you guys know.” They didn’t answer. They just looked at each other.

“Bro, Andrea-”

“Zacky, man, it’s fine. Even if Andrea hadn’t find out it was pretty damn obvious, I guess I just didn’t want to see what was in front of my eyes the whole time.”

“We’re very sorry Brian.” Johnny said.

“Yeah brother, as if a beating up wasn’t bad enough…” Jimmy completed.

“But how’s she doing now?” Matt asked.

“Oh there she is!” Zacky said.

We looked behind us seeing the girls on the stairs. They were smiling so I’m guessing that’s a good thing.

“Hey you.” I said to Claire.

“Hey guys.”

“How are you doing babe?”

“Oh, first day of the rest of my life!” She answered happily.

“So, you feel good?”

“Bri, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” She smiled and went outside with the girls. I looked at the guys again and they were all wearing puzzled looks on their faces. The smile I was giving her faded when she turned her back.

“C’mon, you saw that, it’s not just me. The clichés, she always speaks in clichés, she has a bunch of them now. And the smiley thing? It’s pissing me off.”

“It must be a coping mechanism dude… I don’t know.”

“But it’s creepy.” Jimmy said earning a slap on the arm from Matt.

“Remember what Michelle told you Jim. Filter. You need to filter.”

“Yeah okay. But what the fuck do I do? How do I cope with that?”

They all shrugged without knowing what to do. “Yeah, so much for good advice bitches.” They chuckled at my mark and we continued eating chips.

The girls and guys hung all day at our place and after dinner they went to their houses. Claire went upstairs before I did. When I got there I knocked on the door and she let me in. She was with that sketchbook again but quickly put it away when I entered it.

“May I see your drawing.”

“I’ll show you when it’s finished.” She replied with the fucking smiley face again.

“So, you had fun with the girls? How was this day?”

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.” She repeated almost singing. I just stared at her, starting to feel the rage inside of me growing.

“Yeah, you used that one already.” Her smile faded.

“What?” The last I wanted was to blow up but I couldn’t help it.

“Try happy days are here again. Or no, better time heals all wounds.” I said putting emphasis on those known expressions. “NO this is the best one, every cloud as a silver lining! Now it’s always darkest before the dawn, you can’t use it’s always darkest before the dawn because YOU USED THAT ONE ALREADY!!!” I screamed throwing my jacket to the ground. Again, I’m a huge fucking jerk. Claire got out of bed and ran to the bathroom, locking herself inside of it. I ran my hands through my hair sighing out loud and I could hear her inside crying already.

“Claire- Claire, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, any of it, Claire please! I’m sorry. Sweetie I’m sorry…”

I moved downstairs and slept on the couch. I hoped she was in bed by now and not locked on the bathroom. I called my father, only he would have great advice right? He picked up and I didn’t say anything.

“Son?”

“It’s still not over you know that?”

“And how do you feel?”

“I mean she doesn’t care about anything.”

“I didn’t ask how Claire was doing, I asked how were you doing?”

I didn’t answer right away. I swallowed hard.

“You know what, I’m okay. I’m good, god night dad.”

“Brian, wait! You know anything you need to talk to me about-”

“I know dad. Thank you. But I’m great.”

“Are you?”

“Yup. It’s always darkest before the dawn right?” I hung up and sighed once again.

Claire’s POV

I cried my eyes out in the bathroom but eventually got out. I hoped to see Brian sleeping but he wasn’t there. I heard a conversation on the phone. He’s probably sleeping on the couch tonight.

I woke up went downstairs and Brian was having breakfast already. I joined him but none of us said a word besides a muttered ‘morning’.

Today the guys and girls would come up on the morning because Brian’s family was visiting during afternoon. Not his whole family just Brian Sr., Suzy and McKenna.

We were all on the couch, guys fooling around like little kids playing with the beers, which could break and make a mess. And the girls talking about make up and stuff like that. I pretended to hear and nod my head. They were being too loud and my head was aching like hell when suddenly Brian who was playing with Jimmy dropped his beer to the ground like I pictured it would happen. I put my hands to my head. “I do not need this right now…” I muttered apparently not that low because Brian seemed to hear me.

“Hey babe, I’m sorry, it’s okay, I’ll fix it, I’ll clean it don’t worry, okay sweetie, I got it.” He said massaging my back while the room was dead silent. I just went to my room, only to be followed by Michelle.

“What?” I said to her.

“Are you okay?”

“No. But I’m trying to be. For Brian. I need to be. But I think I screwed up because now it’s like he hates me… or resents me, I don’t know…”

“Honey, I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

“Nothing like to being raped so the day is shinny and bright.” I tried to joke.

“Okay, Claire, I’m going to say this ahead of time, because I don’t want you to be surprised, but I’m uh- I’m going to hug you. Stand up.” She said with a serious face.

“You don’t n-”

“Claire I am going to hug you. Stand up.”

I stood up and felt her arms around me as well as tears starting to form.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever let him touch me.” I cried to Michelle’s shoulder.

“It’s okay sweetie.”

“He’ll leave me.” I cried.

“Honey, no he won’t.” I felt her cry too. “He’s not going anywhere. And if he does you’ll have me.”

We both chuckled.

“Really? Would you go all lesbian in latex for me?” I joked making us both laugh.

“Absolutely.”

“Hey, I think I’m going to sleep a little bit after Brian’s family arrives okay.”

“Yeah okay honey. I’ll go now. The guys must be ready to go as well.” She smiled.

“And Michelle..”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Brian’s POV

The guys were in their cars already waiting for Michelle and I was sitting on the couch staring at the wall, hoping she would talk to me. Michelle saw me and showed confusion.

“Where are the guys?”

“They’re waiting for you in the car… Claire?”

“Sleeping. And you, sitting alone in a room staring at a wall? I used to do that… but then I realized I could change and actually have friends.” She chuckled. I patted the space on the
couch next to me and she came over. She looked at me smiling.

“Can I just say Brian that I’m really glad that we’re talking again, and being friends like we used to.”

I didn’t hear or see anything, my mind was on Claire and I pulled Michelle to me my hand on the back of her neck my lips abruptly crushing on hers in a furious kiss. She hit me on my chest and pushed me off of her. I regretted it the minute I did it, but it couldn’t be undone.

“Listen in despite of what people say, I am not a whore!” She turned around to leave but said something first.

“Go to Claire, fucking cuddle with her, with the woman you love and the woman who’s mad in love with you, and we’ll pretend this never happened.” And she closed the door on my face.