Without You, I'm Just Me

I went to Chicago for Lewy's birthday by myself. Ashlee was busy with filming promos for her new show, so I was on my own. I arrived a day before, getting to my folks in the afternoon. I was beat, tired from the ride and my mind was over worked from thinking about Naomi.

Nothing had happened majorly with her. She had gone to Paris for a photo shoot in the middle of April and the kids had stayed with her dad and Lewis called me everyday. He just missed Naomi and he missed me, but Naomi was only gone for a week so I didn't need to come out there.

Getting to my folks, my mom followed me up to my room. I dropped my bag on my first set of twin beds and then plopped on the other one. My mom let out a soft sigh, "The boys should be here tonight."

"Great, I can't wait to see them," I laid back, "How've they been?"

"You've talked to Lewis, haven't you?"

"Yeah, everyday."

"They've been good, Pete," my mom sat beside me, "I think about what you said about Robert everyday, you know."

"Sorry for putting that thought in your head, ma," I rubbed my eyes.

"I can see it, too," she breathed, "Naomi is more reserved and...it bothers me."

"It bothers me too."

"I want to bring it up to Lee, but I don't want to trouble Naomi."

I sat up, "What do you think then?"

"It's her life and if it's happening or not, Naomi is very smart. She isn't gonna let a man beat her...I think that he's trying to control her, but you know Naomi is tougher than anyone knows."

"Yeah, I know, but it scares me...he treats her bad, mom, and it can evolve into more."

"I know that, and I also know that he isn't around all the time. She was in Paris by herself, she's home by herself. With the looks of it, they aren't on good terms right now."

"Why do you say that?"

"He hasn't been around since she came back from Paris."

"I hate that dick," I grumbled.

"Have you thought about what I said?"

"I dunno what to do, mom, really."

"I figured as much, you've always been deep in your head, taking forever to do something."

"I can't talk to her," I said, "She won't listen and she won't leave him. She's fuckin' stubborn as hell."

"What do you expect? You've done her wrong so many times, Pete, you really expect her to get on the merry-go-round again?"

I raised a brow, "Excuse me?"

"Peter Lewis Kingston, don't act thick with me," she spoke sternly, "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Well, whadda you want me to do?"

"I want you to sit Naomi down and talk to her like you care, because you do. You need to be...raw with her, you need to expose yourself and be completely honest. That's what she needs and if it still doesn't work, at least she knows you were honest."

"If she still wants to be with that prick?"

My mom sighed, "Then we'll talk to her...I'll get Lee involved."

"Are you sure?" I asked her desperately, "You will?"

My mom's eyes soften, I saw them glisten, "Naomi is like my daughter. I love her to death like she is my own, you really think I'd let some man abuse her?"

"No, but...ya'know, I didn't think you'd want to get involve and cause her to take the boys away from us."

My mom's brows furrowed, "She said that?"

"More or less," I said quietly, "She said if I got her dad in it she'd make it a lot harder for me to see Lewy and Benji."

My mom shut her eyes momentarily, "Dear God, Pete...please make this work."

"Yeah, I'll try my fucking hardest."


I couldn't sleep after that. I left my folks and went to Naomi's. I drove to her place and sat outside in my car for a moment. I could see her car there, and that Hemingway was in the yard. Then, Naomi came outside, calling to him, "Here, boy! Ready for a walk?"

I got out quickly and went up the gate. Naomi's brows flew up; she was dressed down, sweats, a long sleeve t-shirt with a Ghostbusters logo on it. She wore boots, her hair up and she had one of my old Bulls caps, hair pulled through the opening of the snap back. In her hand, she swung the black leash, "Wow, wasn't expectin' you," she said with a small smile.

"Yeah," I said breathily, "I...I got in a few hours ago, I wanted to surprise Lewis."

Naomi bent and clipped the leash onto Hemingway and came towards me, "Lewy is with Ricky, they went to see Star Wars at the old theater, you remember? They play all kinds of old stuff there."

"Benji?" I asked as she came out the gate; I stepped back and closed it behind her.

"Benji is with my dad. He's helping paint Abbey's bedroom," she smiled, "I got a day off; painted my nails, I cleaned the house, I unpacked and now I am taking Hemy for a walk."

"Can I come with you?" I asked hastily.

She nodded, "Of course."

We began to walk, and I felt nostalgic about the whole thing. It was just like we first met; I was ready to spill my guts. Naomi looked over at me, "Just like old times, right?"

I nodded, "Yeah, exactly what I was thinkin'."

"So, where's Ash?"

"She's workin' on a show," I answered.

"Oh," she hummed, "What about you?"

"I ain't doin' shit," I told her, "People have been offerin' me things, but I don't even know what to do."

"Go with your gut."

"What about you?" I questioned her quietly.

"Uh, I'm taking a break until June, then I'm officially taking a long, long break once August comes."

"What's in August?"

"Lewis starts kindergarten," she looked over at me, "You better be here for his first day."

"I will."

"He's really excited, but I know Benji ain't gonna like it, because he loves playing with Lewy."

"At least you'll be with him."

"Yeah," she smiled, "I love Benji...he's my little buddy. I love them both equally, but Benji...I dunno, he loves being with me and he loves everything I do. Lewis is more independent and he'd rather be with you than me."

"I wish I could be around all the time."

"Me too," she mumbled; I don't think she knows I heard her.

"Naomi, can we talk honestly for a minute?"

She looked at me again, "Aren't we?"

"Yeah, but I mean...about everything."

She sighed, "Pete, look, me and Rob haven't been together in awhile. To be honest, I don't think he--he's probably gonna break up with me."

I felt triumphant, but the look on her face made the feeling subside. I swallowed and didn't say anything.

"Aren't you gonna cheer now?" She asked shortly, "Hooray that Naomi is finally on her own again?"

"It's not like that, Navy...I'd rather you be alone than be with someone who treats you badly. You and me won't be together, fine, I don't care if you never want me again," I exhaled deeply, "just, please don't let someone hurt you because they can."

"He wasn't hurting me, he does what you do, he wants control. He can't control me, Pete, you of all people know that."

"Be honest with me," I started, "Does he hit you?"

"You think I'd let him hit me?" She asked.

"I dunno, really."

"I love him, Pete, but I'm not stupid. He hit me once--"

"The bruises on your arm from March?"

"I was doing push-ups for the stupid bra line," she explained, "I did nearly 75 before I toppled over and fell," she laughed, "it was kinda funny, you can see it on the VS website; a behind the scenes type thing."

I felt kinda dumb now.

"Then...why does he yell at you?"

"He gets stressed out, Pete," she shrugged, "he works hard tryna make his band work, takin' care of his mom; she's sick, he's in New York taking care of her."

I paused, "I...I'm sorry, Naomi."

She breathed, "Well, it's okay, Pete...I know you're lookin' out for the kids."

"And you."

"You don't need to look out for me, I can handle myself."

We both grew silent as we walked around the corner, starting on a new block. I shoved my hands in my pockets, trying to think of something to say. I was fresh out of how to start on expressing more of myself.

"He asked me to marry him," she said softly, "and I told him I didn't know."

I held my tongue.

"I asked Lew what he thought and you know what he said?"

"What?"

"He said I can't marry Rob because you would be sad."

I smiled to myself, humming, "Wow."

"Yeah. I told Lew that you were already married, so you couldn't be sad."

"Our little dude knows me better than you do."

Naomi scoffed, "How can you be sad about that?"

"Cuz I love you and I don't want some prick to hurt you."

She growled under her breath, "He doesn't hurt me."

"Things can change," I said quickly.

"And what changed for you? Does your wife still lie to you?"

My jaw slacked, "What?"

"Don't act stupid, your mom tells me everything whether or not I want or should know. She told me Ashlee lied about being pregnant."

I ran a hand through my hair, "I...She...she loves me."

"That's great," she muttered sarcastically, "Damn near broke my goddamn heart, but who cares as long as she loves you."

"I don't resent her for it," I said quickly, "I get why she did it."

"Oh, well, because she's in love with you," Naomi kept with the sardonic tone, "I thought you were through with girls lying to you, or does that just go for homegrown Chicago girls?"

"Naomi, it's not like that."

"What's it like then?" She snapped, "Because I was told I would be dumped if I ever lied to you. I was cheated on, right?"

"I don't wanna break her heart!" I exclaimed, "She's in love with me."

"So I guess I'm just nothing then? My love for you isn't equalled to hers, now is it?"

"It's different, she's not like you--"

"Thank God. Poor girl would've had her fragile, plastic heart stomped all over."

I was grasping at straws to make her understand.

"So, you think I should leave her?"

"Ain't my business," she said shortly.

"Would you leave Rob if he lied to you?"

"I'm not stupid, if it was something big like a pregnancy, I would," she breathed, "as I said, that's your business, not mine."

We walked continuously for over a minute.

"Are you gonna marry him?" I asked her.

"If he wants to talk to me again, maybe. If he doesn't, I'm better off on my own, I don't have to think about Lewy's feelings towards him."

"Do you love him?"

She looked over at me, "Yes, I love him...he's the first guy I've ever felt love for, besides you. He has yet to disappoint me."

"How can you say that?" I found myself snapping at her, "After he hit you--"

"I hit him first," she cut me off, "and we talked about it, goddammit, Pete."

"You can't say it won't happen again."

"No, I can't, but it won't ever get out of hand, I'm not stupid."

"I worry about you guys, okay? I just couldn't imagine you going through a relationship like that."

Naomi shook her head, "Just drop it already, it's not even a factor. Rob's probably gonna leave me and I have no control over it; I love him, but I can't force him to stay with me."

I walked quietly beside her, hands still in my pockets.

"It's like I'm toxic...every man I try to love always has a hang up. The only guy who still talks to me and likes me is Ricky, and I can't even believe that Lewy likes him so much."

"There's nothing wrong with you--"

"Oh, don't even go there," she grumbled, "you didn't even like me enough to keep your dick in your pants. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not a catch, so I'm taking things slow and I'm staying with the one person who wants me for me. He may have a temper and he may yell, but he actually cares about me."

"You shouldn't be with someone--"

She stopped me, "He loves the kids, too," she looked at me, "yeah, when Benji fell off the slide, he picked him up and cradled him until he stopped crying. When Lewy was sick with the flu, he stayed up all night with him when I had to go out of town; he offered to stay and take care of them both. Lewy had an asthma attack and Rob was right there with his inhaler, so I can pretty much say that I don't want anyone else."

Naomi left me speechless. I didn't know any of these things.

"Lewy doesn't like him because he isn't you and he has a temper, but you've got to acknowledge that Rob ain't all that bad."

"I wish you could see it the way I do, Naomi, then you'd understand."

"No, I wouldn't understand," she turned a corner and I followed, "whatever you think can't change my view of him."

"I don't want you to get hurt."

"You still have that thought in your head about control," she stared at me, pausing her steps, "no one can control me, Pete, not even my dad."

"Does your dad know how he is?" I growled.

"My dad knows Rob is a good man and that he's stressed out, why do you think he has Benji right now? Rob's suppose to come back so we can talk, and my dad offered to take Benji off my hands."

"Are you gonna tell your dad he hit you?"

She narrowed her eyes at me, "Aren't you the one who said "I hope he kills you"?" She started off again.

I caught up, "I was mad!"

"That's when you tell the truth, I'm not dumb. Only when you're drunk or really angry is when the truth surfaces."

"I don't--I didn't mean it!"

"Liar."

"What do I have to do to make you understand that I love you? That I only want the best for you?"

"Leave me alone, for one," she muttered, "let me live my life the way I want to."

"Not when I know you're making a mistake."

"I'm not making a mistake," she growled again, "my only mistake was getting involved with you, Pete. You ruined my life."

I stopped in my tracks.

Naomi and Hemingway stopped and turned to face me, "My mistake was letting Kate push me towards you so she could get her hands on you. My mistake was falling for you and living in my head that the fact that you'd ever care and love me forever. I don't regret Lewis or Benji, I just regret the fact that you're their father."

"You're just saying that to get me to leave," I said shortly.

"Is it working?" She replied.

She turned back and started to walk off.

"You can't get rid of me, Naomi, not that easy," I jogged up beside her.

"What else can I say?" She muttered, her voice shaking.

"Nothing, because you'd have to kill me to make me go away."

"The one regret I have to live with is you," she spat out, "I can't believe I ever loved you. I can't believe I ever gave a damn about you."

"You still do."

"No I don't."

"You're a liar."

She stopped, "Then why couldn't you love me back? Why was it so hard to love me, Pete?"

I saw the tears glistening in her eyes and I felt my chest tighten.

"Naomi, I did--I do love you--"

"You're a damn liar," she rubbed her eyes with the sleeve of her arm, "if you did, you wouldn't have slept with Kate! You would've stayed with me, you would've asked me to marry you. I loved you so much, I had 2 of your kids, Pete! I miscarried one of them, still I wasn't good enough for you."

"It's not like that!" I stated, "I didn't ask you because you said that if I did, it was like I was just doing you a favor!"

"God, why are men so stupid?" She grumbled, "Even so, you should've asked! I would've said yes, but knowing you, you'd ruin it by sticking your dick where it doesn't belong."

I sighed, "Naomi, I...I just, I was just trying to feel the void of having you away."

"You were gone all the time but I never hopped into bed with any guy who offered it. Believe me, there were lots of guys who wanted me, but no, I said no like a dumb-ass."

"I'm sorry! I don't know what else to say."

"Just go away," she spat, "leave me alone."

"I don't want to."

"I hope Rob comes back so he can kick your ass."

I rolled my eyes, "He can't kick my ass, he barely got any good hits in."

Naomi walked off, I followed her.

"I've done you a favor by raising your kids, taking care of your dog and keeping my mouth shut about the things you did to me," she began, "do me a favor by leaving me alone, Pete."

"I just wanna help--"

"You've helped enough, really," she shook her head at me.

"I said I was sorry! I'm sorry I slept with Kate! I'm sorry I cheated on you! I'm even sorry I got you pregnant, Naomi!" She stopped walking, her back faced me though, "What do I have to do for you to forgive me and listen?!"

She turned around, "I will never forgive you, Pete. You can't do anything that'll ever make me forgive you. You were supposed to be my best friend, you could've told me Kate never liked me really, you could've called me when you were lonely and needed someone, and most of all, you didn't have to move all the way to goddamn California to get away from me! You should've stayed here for your kids!"

"You don't understand," I stammered.

Naomi tossed her head back and turned back around, "Fuck off, Pete," she started to walk with Hemy and I followed her.

My steps weren't matching hers, I was a few steps behind her. I watched her ponytail bounce and her hips sway from side to side. Her black laces bounced, the bows were in sync with her steps. Hemingway panted, I could hear Naomi sniffling; I felt sick; my ears grew hot. Everything that's ever made her upset was my fault and I didn't know how to make it better.

When we got to her house, she went through the gate, unleashed Hemy and turned to face me, "You need to leave, I'll drop the boys off with you later."

"Naomi, I never meant to hurt you, okay? I never did; that's why I never told you about Kate. I never wanted to bother you, that's why I never called; I didn't want to bug you with minimal problems when I knew you had school and a job. I only wanted you to be happy and I always figured that you'd be happier without me."

"You're a stupid, stupid bastard, Pete," tears rolled down her cheeks, "how many times do I need to say that I just wanted you? That's all I wanted, I just wanted you around, I only wanted to kiss and make love to you. I didn't want any other guy, but you obviously didn't want me, so I'm getting over it."

My chest grew tight again.

"Now, all I want is my kids and Rob. That's it and that's all."

I nodded slowly, "I can't argue with you."

"So, go on and do whatever you wanna do because I'm not worried about you, so don't worry about me."

"I can't."

I sighed, "Then I feel really sorry for you."

I stood there, watching Naomi leave me standing by the gate. I couldn't say she wasn't right, she made valid points. My excuses were just that; plain excuses.

Hell, I wouldn't even forgive me.