Without You, I'm Just Me

I was in the hospital for another 3 days before I could leave. My head is fine, so are my ribs, miraculously, they were only cracked and mostly healed. I slept fine, I had no nightmares, and I really couldn't wait to leave and be with my wife and kids.

Naomi helped me get dressed, my legs and back were still achy. She helped me pull my sweats on, then my shirt; "I can do it," I told her, "it just takes awhile, I'm not indolent."

She smiled, "Who taught you that word?"

I scoffed, "I'm not stupid neither."

Naomi kissed me, "Yeah, I know baby, but I want to make sure you aren't in pain."

I sighed and let her help me; she put my socks on and then my boots. I felt like a little kid, and it was pissing me off. That's the only thing that really made me mad, the fact that I was almost handicapped, that I couldn't do shit on my own.

"Don't pout," Naomi kissed my forehead this time, "I want to help you. It doesn't make you less of a person."

I only nodded and put my hoodie on, myself. My back ached, but I pushed through, pretending it didn't hurt. Naomi could see through it, though, but didn't say anything.

"I'm gonna go get the nurse and tell her we're ready to go."

I sat back on the bed and zipped my hoodie up, pulling the hood over my head. A second later, Dr. Vernon came on, holding some papers and an orange prescription bottle, "Pete, I'm giving you a prescription for your pain and I'm gonna give you a list of physical therapist in Los Angeles. That's where you reside, right?"

"Yeah," I mumbled, sitting up now.

He slid the table over, "Just sign these and you'll be ready to go."

I signed the release papers; Dr. Vernon bagged them up with the pills and told me about the physical therapist. Naomi returned with the nurse, and a wheelchair, just as he finished explaining. He wished me luck and went on his way; Naomi helped me up and into the wheelchair. I hated this thing, I could walk, but it's hospital protocol that I leave in a wheelchair to ensure that I don't hurt myself and sue the hospital. Really, I wouldn't sue them, I just wanted to get the hell outta there.

The nurse and Naomi talked briefly down to the car, I kept quiet. At the car, I was surprised to see my mom and dad there, waiting. They had come and seen me the entire time I was there, I was just expecting the ride home to be me and Naomi.

"Hey son," my mom smiled, helping me up, then hugging me, "feel better?"

My back killed as she hugged me, again I pretended it didn't hurt, "I feel great."

My mom let me go and smiled, "You look good, your beard is growing."

I chuckled, "I'm gonna shave when we get home."

"Everything is set up, you can rest up in the living room."

"Thanks."

The nurse left after I was up and said a swift goodbye. Naomi and my dad helped me into the car; again, I hated this, but I chose not to say anything. Naomi buckled me in and kissed my cheek, "We're gonna go back to LA at the end of the month. I've got a private plane to take us, so you don't have to go through the security and wait."

I felt like a damn burden. I continued to keep my mouth shut. I leaned over and rested my head on Naomi's shoulder; she cooed and took my hand in her's, both of her hands rubbing mine. This is what I needed, to be loved, to feel her there next to me. I could get better by just having her there.

The ride home was quiet, and when we got to my folks, I refused help from my dad. I kept my arm around Naomi, using her as leverage and help to walk. She didn't say anything; the nurses would say encouraging things while I walked with the IV pole, and it made me feel incompetent, but Naomi didn't do that. She held me and guided me up the pathway, past the threshold and to the living room where my mom had made up the couch for me; there were pillows and a throw blanket. I sat down and immediately grabbed the plastic bag with the pills inside; "I'll get you some pop," Naomi said, smiling at me, "my dad is bringing a pizza and the boys, so be ready."

I popped two pills after Naomi went off to the kitchen, swallowing them dryly. I sat back against the couch and sighed, turning my head up at the ceiling. I could hear my mom humming and my dad talking on his phone; life was going on as normally as it always had, and I was happy that it was. I hated to be in the center of attention--negative attention. All those times I had tried to kill myself, my parents would sit with me, watching me and pretending to watch TV with me, when in reality they were making sure I wasn't gonna do something stupid. Only this time, after I got home from the hospital, they went about their life like nothing had happened, and I always wished it had always happened this way; I appreciated this.

I always liked to be alone, but not the feeling of being alone. I felt alone with my parents were just there, scared and worried. Now, I didn't have to worry about that; they weren't worried, neither was I, this event wasn't my fault.

My eyes stayed on the ceiling for I don't know how long before Naomi returned and giggled. I turned my attention towards her, "You okay, space cadet?"

I smiled back at her, "I was just thinking."

She gave me a glass of soda, "Yeah, about what?"

"They aren't scared and worried," I said, "every time I used to come home from the hospital, they'd sit here and watch TV with me, worried that I would kill myself again."

Naomi sat beside me, "That's because you're okay. And I'm here to take care of you."

I drank some of my soda, coating my throat of the dryness from the pills; "Yeah, I know. I feel like a burden."

She sighed, smiling softly, "Pete, you're far from a burden! You're my husband, you think I'm not gonna take care of you?"

"No, I just feel like a child...I can barely fuckin' walk."

Naomi took my glass and set it on the coffee table, "You aren't a child, you're not a burden, you're not an inconvenience. You're my everything, and I would do this even if we weren't married...even if we were just friends, I'd help you get dressed and pee, if you needed help. I'd even wipe your ass."

I laughed, "No you wouldn't."

She gave me a serious look, "Yes I would. I love you, I'll do anything for you."

"Thank you," I was blushing.

Naomi kissed my cheek, "You don't have to thank me, babe."

I sighed, "Can you help me to the bathroom so I can shave?"

She hummed, "Yep," she stood up and lent her hand out, "let's go, honey."

I struggled to stand, and then walk. Naomi held me again, telling me to be patient and to take my time. I followed her careful steps down the hall to the bottom floor bathroom. I leaned against the counter, turning the faucet on; "I'll go upstairs and get shaving cream and razors. I think my dad brought of a pack."

I waited for Naomi, I wet my face with warm water and really looked at myself. I had a faded bruise on the right side of my face; it was this gross yellow color. A few cuts and a gash above my eyebrow that had been stitched up, the nurse just took out the stitches; it was just bandaged now. I didn't look too bad, I've looked worst...Naomi said I looked half dead when I got to the hospital, I guess I'm lucky I was unconscious for 13 days then.

"Here you go," Naomi returned, breaking me from my stare, "you need any help?"

"Nah, I got it," I said.

Naomi rubbed my back and handed me the razor and shaving cream, "Want me to stay in here?"

I shrugged, "If you want."

She climbed onto the empty space on the counter and sat; "Mia gave me some time off," she began as I shook the can of shaving cream and sprayed some in my palm. "Everyone is so worried about you...Rae says we've got tons of flowers and stuff from people at the house and salon. Patrick, too, Sabrina says their entire apartment is full of cards, balloons and flowers."

"From who?"

"Fans and friends," she said, "your fans love you and send all their love. I tweeted once to thank them."

"I should tweet then," I mumbled, wetting a fresh razor.

"It's not an obligation, Pete," she said, "they know you're alive, you and Trick both."

"I wanna thank them," I said before I began to shave.

"Yeah...they'll be so excited and they'd love to see your face."

I laughed, "Take one of me now."

"Yeah?" She reached into her sweatshirt pocket for her phone.

"Yeah, go ahead."

Naomi took her phone out and unlocked it, taking a picture of me sticking my tongue out and shaving cream on my face. She grinned, "Oh, they're gonna love this. He's in the gutter waving his hand, I'm just fine."

I laughed at her quoting Alpha Dog; "Thanks, babe."

Naomi tweeted while I shaved, she showed me everyone's replies. Kids were happy to know that I was alive, and making jokes about my face. I felt more than better already, interacting and laughing always made me feel better.

After my face was clean and hair free, Naomi helped me back to the living, where I found Benji and Lewy waiting. Naomi gasped, "When the heck did you guys get here?!"

They smiled, "Right now!" Benji said, hoping up, "Papa told us to surprise you!"

"We're surprised," I chuckled.

Benji came over, outstretched his arms and hugged us both, "How's you, daddy?"

I smiled, ruffling his hair, "How's me? I'm good, Benny, how are you?"

"I'm good! We gots pizza!"

I laughed a little; Benji let us go, and Naomi helped me sit down on the couch. Lewy sat beside me, "Hi dad."

I wrapped my arm around him and kissed his head, "Hey Lewis. How are you, bud?"

"I'm okay. Do ya feel better?"

"So much better," I told him.

"I'm gonna go get us some pizza," Naomi said, "Benny, come help me."

"Okay!"

I smiled as Benji and Naomi went off; I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, hugging Lew again, "I love you, buddy."

"I love you too, dad," he curled up closer to me. "Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah, anything," I said as I flipped through the channels until I got to a channel playing Home Alone.

"You can't tell mom," he whispered now.

I looked down at him, he looked up at me, "What's wrong? Did someone hurt you?"

He shook his head, "No...I had two scary dreams."

I frowned, "What about?"

"About you 'nd about mom," he said, "Robert was in it...'n' then I woke up."

"Was it about what happened with mom?" He nodded, "Was she hurt?"

He nodded again, "Yeah, but I woke up before he shot her."

I sighed, "I'm sorry, buddy."

He looked down, "'Nd I dreamed that you died."

"You were scared?"

"Uh-huh...I don't wanna tell mom cuz then she'll be sad."

"It's okay, buddy, she won't be sad. She just wants you to be okay. You can tell your doctor...and you know that I'm not goin' anywhere, right?"

He nodded, "Yeah."

"I'm not gonna die," I kissed the top of his head, "not now...not for a long, long time. It's all just a bunch of bad dreams, Lew. You don't have to be scared."

"I know," he mumbled, "I just hate to sleep."

I bit at my lip; I knew what he meant by that. I hated to sleep when I was his age because of my own weird nightmares, but then, as I got older I couldn't sleep. My mind used to run all the time and I wanted to sleep, I would take a bunch of sleeping pills and have bad dreams and then I'd hate to sleep again.

I know my son's dilemma.

"Lew, we'll get you some help for that, okay?"

"You will?"

"Yeah," I patted his arm, "I know exactly what you're going through. I wrote a book about it."

Lewy smiled, "You did? Can I read it?"

"Yeah, I think I have a copy upstairs. I'm gonna ask mom to get it for me."

"Thanks," Lewy hugged me, "you're the best dad ever."

I smiled and hugged him, almost close to tears again.


Benji and Lew slept upstairs in my old bedroom while I slept on the couch. Naomi had gone upstairs to tuck them in, and said she'd come back down. I played with my phone, not really wanting to text or tweet or even acknowledge the digital world. I didn't know what was wrong, I guessed it was probably my aches and pains.

The house was quiet, it was dark, except for the blue glow of the TV. Everyone was asleep, except for me and Naomi, probably one of my parents. I kept quiet, kept the volume to the TV down; some cartoon was on, but I wasn't paying attention. I had my phone unlocked and was checking my unread texts and emails, only I wasn't actually reading them. I clicked on them to get rid of the damn red notification alert; I just looked and didn't register the words...I didn't care.

"You're not tired?"

I turned my attention to Naomi; she was in a large grey t-shirt...she changed upstairs.

I shook my head, "Nah."

Naomi sat with me, "You okay, Pete?"

I shrugged.

She put a pillow on her lap, then pulled my arm, making me lie across her lap; my head rested across her lap. She was comfortable. Her hand stroked through my hair, her other rubbed my side under my shirt; I sighed softly, feeling better.

"What's wrong, Pete?"

"I dunno," I mumbled, shutting my eyes. "I just don't feel good."

"You just woke up from a deep sleep, I wouldn't feel 100% either."

"I don't wanna be bothered with anyone," I confessed. "I don't mean like you and the kids, I mean with people I don't know...I just wanna be left alone."

"You can be, here," she leaned down and kissed the side of my head, "you don't have to talk, text or tweet anyone if you don't wanna."

Her hand rubbed over my stomach, "I'm not. I just wanna be alone with you for awhile."

"We're alone..." She murmured. "We don't have to listen to anyone."

I moved slowly to lay on my back and look up at her; I grabbed her hand and interlaced our fingers, "I love you."

She smiled at me, "I love you too, Pete."

My hand let hers go, I reached up and cupped her cheek, rolling my thumb over the apple of her cheek. My stomach was in knots, making the whole "I have a crush on my wife" thought cross my mind. My hand moved to cup her neck and pull her to me to kiss her lips.

Naomi giggled against my mouth, kissing me back while my fingers tangled in her hair. Naomi didn't pull away; she moved her body from beneath mine and managed to lay beside me. I was near speechless at how she did it; she broke away and laughed softly at my expression; "The perks of being nimble."

I kissed her again, pressing my forehead to hers, "I love you so much."

She exhaled and grinned, "I love you...from here to Pluto."

I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer to me. We were quiet, the TV was the only soft sound. Naomi wrapped her arms around my neck, her head lying on my chest.

"Pete," she called to me quietly.

"Hmm?"

She didn't say anything for a full 20 seconds; "I'm pregnant."