Without You, I'm Just Me

Naomi had gotten pregnant some time in early September. I remember that week; Rae and Ricky took the boys to Legoland for the weekend. Me and Naomi fucked on every surface of our house; with and without condoms, not even thinking. She had taken Plan B, but I guess it didn't work; she said she went in for a check up after I left for London, and found out she was 6 weeks along; she was gonna tell me when I got home, and that turned into telling me whenever she felt was the right time. I was kinda shocked when she told me, I had laid there for a good 5 minutes before it sunk in.

I didn't say anything after she told me. I had shut up and let her talk until I fell asleep. I don't know why I did that, I was shocked; I couldn't believe it, I guess. It's not that I didn't want another kid, it's just that Naomi said she wasn't ready yet, and I felt bad. It was me who messed up, and I felt like an asshole, I got her pregnant, again, and here I am, I can barely take care of myself, and Naomi has to take care of me while she's pregnant. And she's a working model, she's gonna be showing, she's gonna have to work while she's pregnant, and it was all my fault. I thought she was mad at me, really.

We didn't get to talk about it; the next morning Hilary and George came over and visited. Me and Naomi didn't have any time alone. Hilary then announced that she was pregnant; my parents gushed and Naomi looked upset; I felt so fucking guilty.

That night, Naomi didn't talk to me, she slept upstairs with the boys while I stayed on the couch.

In the morning, my dad left to meet with a client, my mom took the boys grocery shopping for Thanksgiving and Hilary and George went to pick Andrew and his girlfriend up from the train station. Me and Naomi were alone now, the two of us in the living room. I laid on the floor, doing sit-ups, just to move my body while the pain killers work; Naomi sat Indian style beside me, nibbling at her lip.

"Are you mad?" She asked me as soon as the front door shut.

I stopped mid sit-up, looking at her; I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, "Nah...surprised...not mad."

"How come you won't talk about it then?" Naomi looked on the verge of tears, "I told you the other night and you just clammed up. You..."

I started to speak before she could continue, "I'm shocked, I'm not mad," I told her harshly; I caught my harsh tone, "I'm sorry, Navy...I'm not mad, I swear, I really am shocked. I don't know what to say..."

She sniffed and rubbed her tears away, "You could've said anything instead of falling a-fucking-sleep."

"I'm sorry," I muttered again, "I...I'm sorry, Naomi. Are you mad? It's my fault, I wasn't thinking--"

"Why would I be mad?" She said over me, "It's not your fault."

"You just signed your contract, how're you gonna shoot and..." I paused, "I fucked up."

Naomi's face lit up with a smile, "Pete, we didn't fuck up. I told Mia that we were thinking about another baby, I even told the heads of VS, and they said congrats in advance. We're okay as long as I fulfill my obligations. I don't have to be a model every single day for next 2 years; I'll be fit by next fall."

I felt relieved; I exasperated, "I've been feeling so guilty...this is such a weight off."

"Is that why you wouldn't talk to me?"

"I thought you were pissed."

Naomi sat up and crawled over to me, "I'm the opposite, Peter; I'm excited. I love babies. I'm so happy."

I kissed her, wrapping my arm around her, "I am too."

"I hope it's another boy."

She laughed, "Why, so we can have a damn football team?"

"A band," I laughed. "I want a boy band."

"6-7 months you'll get your answer."

I bit at my lip, I was growing excited; "If it's a boy, I wanna name him after the guys...after Patrick, Andy and Joe."

Naomi smiled, "What? Andrew Patrick Joseph?"

I laughed, "Yeah...or a variation of it. Joseph Andrew Patrick...I don't think I wanna have Andy's name first, cuz we already have Andrew Wentz."

She agreed, laughing softly, "Okay, I'm down. Patrick Andrew Joseph, or Joseph Andrew Patrick..."

"And if it's a girl?"

Naomi sighed, "I dunno...I'm hoping for another boy. I love my little dudes...I wouldn't know how to handle a little girl; I don't have a fabulous track record with my little sisters, aside from Abbey."

"What if we name her after my mom? Like Dahlia or somethin'?"

Naomi grinned, "Aw, Peter!"

My face burned as she cooed; "I'm just suggesting it."

"I like Dahlia, but we still have awhile to think about it. I have a feeling it's a boy, though; I'm experiencing the same things I had when I was pregnant with Benji and Lew."

"How?"

"I've got the same waves and cravings. I read about it."

"So, you're almost positive we're gonna have another boy?"

She nodded, "Yep...say hello to little Patrick Andrew Joseph."

I chuckled and touched her stomach, "...Wow...I can't believe it. When're we gonna tell everybody?"

"Thanksgiving," she said, "for sure. I don't wanna take Hilary's attention away."

I agreed with her on that; "What do you think your old man's gonna say?"

She shrugged, "Dunno...he'll be happy. He was happy when I had Benji."

"He actually likes me this time around," I added with a laugh.

Naomi giggled, "Oh, yeah. I almost forgot he hated you."

"I can't wait to tell everyone," I looked at her stomach, "this is awesome, Navy."

She leaned over and kissed my lips, "Yeah, it is."


It was hard keeping the news to myself; before, I thought Naomi was mad, but once that I knew she wasn't, I wanted to tell everyone.

I love kids; I especially love my kids. The first time Naomi was pregnant, I had been numb and went with the flow, but then she lost it and I felt like I lost a part of me. With Lew, I was so far gone; I was on drugs and didn't even know if I'd make it to his birth, let alone have another kid. With Benji, Naomi had been mad, and I had been mad, the two of us weren't together, I was still in a messed up place mentally, and she had mentioned getting an abortion, and that's when it hit me, that I was really a goddamn father. It hit me that Naomi had the power to end the life of our baby, but she didn't and now we've got the craziest little dude the world has ever seen.

With this new baby, I was gonna be there every step of the way. I hadn't been there for Lew and Benji, and I regret that so much; I wasn't gonna do that again. I made it a point to myself that I was gonna go to every appointment, I was gonna feel and rub her stomach, I was gonna help her when her ankles swelled and get her whatever weird food she was craving. I was gonna be in the delivery room, only, I wasn't gonna be in and out, I was gonna be there 24/7 and be there with Naomi when she got to the hospital and when she left. This is all what I'm on earth to do and to be; I have to do it, that's all I'm living for.

I thought about it all while everyone around me went on with their business. While my boys played and asked me questions, I thought about the new baby, and how they'd sound and what they'd like and be like. Even though I said I wanted a boy, I really hope for a girl.

I want a daughter. I want a little Naomi. I want another version of her around; a little girly version of her and me. I wanted to have a baby girl, to have someone ask me to play tea parties and to braid their hair. It sounds so cheesy, but that's what I wanted.

I dreamt of a little girl while I slept. I perfected her in my mind.


At the end of the week, I was feeling a lot better to walk. Me and Lewy took Princess for a walk that Sunday afternoon. Naomi and Benji were playing a board game with Andrew, Hilary, George, and Andrew's girlfriend Fiona. My folks had thought it'd be good for me to get out and get some fresh air. Lewy grabbed his skateboard and came with me; my mom made me take Princess.

Lewy skated around me, trying to keep balanced on the slick sidewalk. He's a lot better at skateboarding than I give him credit for. Princess yanked me along, Lew followed.

"Hey," I called to him, "did you finish the book?"

He shook his head, "Not yet...it's kinda confusing."

"Yeah...my thoughts were all jumbled when I wrote it."

"Are the girls in it made up from mom?" He hopped off his skateboard and walked with me.

"Not really," I answered, "I wrote most of it down before I met her."

"Did you really have bad dreams about your doctor?"

"Yeah, I did."

"I don't have dreams like that," he said, "there's no monsters, only real people."

"You know they're just dreams, don't you?" I asked him honestly.

"Yes, but they're like really real, dad," he pulled his hat down, "that's why I hate sleepin', I don't know when I wake up."

I sighed, "I know that feeling, buddy."

We were quiet as we walked; I tried to remember all the stuff my old therapists would tell me about my nightmares.

"You know how you can help get rid of 'em?"

Lew looked over at me, "How?"

"You write down what's bothering you," I remembered, "you write it down, and you can throw it away or keep it. You can do whatever you want with it, you just gotta write it all out, Lew."

"I think I can do that, daddy," he said, "I just want Robert to go away."

I wrapped my arm over his shoulders, "I'm sorry he's in your dreams."

"If I write it, he'll go away?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I believe he will."

"Does mom dream about him?"

I shook my head, "She hasn't told me. You wanna talk to her about it?"

He shrugged, "I don't wanna make her sad."

"Mom won't be sad, Lewy, I promise. You want me to talk to her?"

He shook his head, "No, I'll do it, dad."

"You sure?"

"Uh-huh."

I smiled to myself; my little dude was so grown up. I could barely believe he was already 7.

"Lew, can I tell you a secret?"

He hummed, "Yeah."

"You can't tell Benji," I warned, "it's a big secret, but I can't wait to tell you."

Lewy giggled, "Okay, I won't tell."

"Gimme your pinkie."

Me and Lew stopped, causing Princess to whine at the sudden stop; we wrapped our pinkies around one another's, "Okay."

I bit at my lip, holding back a grin, "Your mom's gonna have a baby."

His brows shot up; he looked exactly like Naomi, "Really?"

I nodded, "Yeah. We don't wanna take all the attention away from Hilary, so we're gonna tell everyone on Thanksgiving."

He smiled now, "Is it a boy or girl?"

We started to walk again, "We don't know yet, buddy. Mommy wants a boy...don't tell her, but I want a girl."

He snickered, "Cuz she'll look like mom?"

I laughed, "Yeah."

"I want a little sister," he said, "cuz she's gonna look like mom. A mommy mini."

Me and him both laughed, "Exactly. Don't tell Benny, cuz ya'know, he likes to tell everyone big surprises."

"I won't tell."


Naomi didn't show signs that she was pregnant, so our secret was safe. I had told her that Lew knew, and she was okay with that. It was hard keeping it a secret, we were excited, but we didn't want to divert the attention away from my sister.

Hilary was showing, just a little. She and my mom indulged in pregnancy talk, as well as Naomi. Naomi gave her tips, they'd talked about baby names and what to expect; it was all that they seemed to talk about, so it was hard not to just burst and say we were expecting too.

While this was going on, Andy had come over and visited. I asked him to help me work out and he agreed. He even took me, and the boys, over to his place by Lake Michigan, to help me get started. The boys had already met Jasmine, so they all immediately began to play. Andy took me down to his basement where all his equipment was.

"You gotta start off slow," he told me, "I'll teach you warm ups."

"I need this, dude, I can't keep taking the pills."

"It's no problem. When we get back to LA, I can teach you more."

"I think I'm gonna get some weights for the basement."

Andy got me started; it hurt at first, but after 20 minutes, it was all good. I felt good.

"I saw Patrick," Andy told me as he helped me do chin ups, "he's doing better."

"I haven't talked to him," I exasperated, "I haven't talked to anyone."

"Yeah, he's the same way. Sabrina and his mom are taking care of him."

"I needa go see him."

I felt bad about not talking to Patrick; me and him went through this crazy traumatic thing together and I didn't even call him.

"Joe's been worried 'bout you guys too," he added, "he's been burying his head in music...I think this whole thing is getting to him."

I let go of the bar and settled on my feet, "Whadda mean?"

"I think he's having second thoughts about the band."

I sighed, "I'll talk to him."

"Don't force it."

"I'm not," I shook my head, "I'm just gonna talk to him...I'm gonna go see Patrick, too."

"I'd be lying if I didn't think this was a sign," Andy murmured.

I tweaked my lips, "Don't worry, Hurley, this'll work out. We didn't do all this for nothing."

"Yeah, you're right," he smiled.

"We just gotta take it slow," I told him, "everything will work out."