Without You, I'm Just Me

The show at the Subterranean was insane, merch sold out, the place was packed, Naomi could barely get inside; she had to stay backstage when we got onstage, along with Jasmine, Sabrina and Marie. But, before that, she sat with me, quietly, running her hand up and down my back while the kids in the pit were shouting Fall Out Boy. It was surreal, it was almost like a dream.

I was on the verge of tears.

Naomi could see it. She had smiled and kissed me, "I'm proud of you," she murmured against my lips.

I couldn't even speak. Everything I was feeling was too big. Like everything inside would burst through me if I let a little bit of it out. So, instead of letting it out, I kept quiet. Naomi knows me all too well to know why I was quiet, and she didn't push it.

When it was time to head onstage, Marcus called for us, and instead of staying in the dressing room with Sabrina, Marie and Jasmine, Naomi came with us. I couldn't let go of her hand, she just followed and I didn't let go until we were right beside the stage. The crowd was loud, and I couldn't help it any longer, I started to cry. Naomi pulled me into her arms, kissed my cheek and rubbed my back; "I love you," she murmured in my ear.

It was amazing how I could hear her over the crowd.

We parted and I faced her; her fingers came up and wiped my eyes and cheeks, "I love you too."

She smiled and kissed me one last time.

The lights dim, we each got on stage and the crowd got fucking louder. I was nervous as hell, my knees and hands were shaking. I couldn't see the kids out there, I could hear and feel them. Then the lights came up and I was slow to catch up to Thriller; my eyes connected with this girl in the front of the barricade, and I saw the sign she was holding up, and it honestly choked me up.

It read: WE'VE BEEN MISSING YOU TO DEATH!

I was sweating already and I was praying that the tears that were coming up would look like sweat too. I couldn't look at the kids anymore, I had to back up, had to look down; I was trying to imagine that this was just another night...but it wasn't. It was more than just another show; I was back with my friends, I was back doing what I was born to do, and it was almost too much for me to deal with.

I swallowed it all and finished Thriller with a head bang. The smile that I saw on Andy's face made my throat tight; I saw Patrick tearing up, and Joe looked like how I wanted to feel. Joe was cool, calm, he looked back in his element and I was trying to do the same.

"Thank you for coming out," Patrick said into the mic; he fixed his glasses and hat almost simultaneously. "Glad to be back, happy to see your faces...I don't even know what to say!"

I nodded in agreement, going over to my mic, "We missed you guys too."

The crowd cheered and screamed; I rubbed my eyes and looked at all the faces; some were new, some were familiar. Some were tear stained with smeared makeup, and some were sweaty and red with huge grins. I felt how they all looked.

"Are you guys ready to fuckin' jam?"

The crowd cheered again and we got into the next song. I could barely remember to play again, I was too busy in awe of everyone.


Naomi jumped on me as soon as we returned to the dressing room. I was soaked in sweat, but she hugged me anyway. I held her in my arms and let the whole night wash over me; "That was in-fucking-sane," she said against my neck.

"Fuck yeah," Joe exclaimed behind me. "You hear them?!"

You could hear the kids chanting: Fall Out Boy! Fall Out Boy!

I was tearing up again and I held Naomi close to me. She rubbed my back, pulled away and kissed my lips, "You were amazing."

I smiled, "Not so bad for a near 4 year hiatus, eh?"

She shook her head, "Not at all, Wentz."

I sat down on the couch with Naomi in my lap. The guys cleaned up while I sat with Naomi, hearing the chants stop and then the room grow quiet. Andy was talking to Jasmine, Marie and Joe were gone, and Patrick was leading Sabrina out; the plan after the show was to meet some fans and then get home; I wanted to go out there and thank the kids.

Andy came over, "You guys coming?"

"Yeah," Naomi climbed off me, and lent her hand out to me, "let's go see your fans."

I smiled again, nodding.

Patrick and Joe were already in the back by the gates, signing stuff and taking pictures. There weren't that many kids, but there was a lot of them, waiting in the cold, shivering and crying. I felt bad; Naomi pushed me forward, urging me to go with the guys. I was immediately consumed by the kids, talking and discussing, answering questions, taking pictures and signing CDs. Kids thanked me for saving their lives, most of them hugged me and told me how much they missed us. I was on the verge of crying again; I saw tattoos and heard stories about kids who were gonna kill themselves until they heard one of our songs. The lot of them were new fans, coming in just after Folie a Deux, and told me about how they wished they had listened to us sooner. I was happy to listen and take pictures and sign stuff; it was a lot more fun than I remembered meeting fans.


Me and Naomi got back to my parents and guessed that everyone was asleep. The lights had been off, there wasn't any noise, and it was way past midnight. The boys were over at Naomi's parents, so we were gonna sleep alone.

I wouldn't get a lot of sleep, the band was heading to New York in the morning, around 7, and Naomi and the boys were gonna stay for the weekend, then fly back to LA. I would be gone for two straight weeks promoting the single and the album and doing a few shows. Then, we'd be off to film more videos again, then do the TV circuit, come back to Chicago and perform for a Bulls basketball game. I was gonna be on the go and gone like I used to be, but I get to be flexible this time, I can skip out on interviews to be with Naomi and the boys, and I made sure that the week our kid was due I would be free. We had a tour starting at the end of May, and I made sure that the June dates were short; I was really nervous about July and August.

I didn't want to make Naomi mad, I didn't want to disappoint my kids, but they said they were okay. Naomi assured me that she'd be okay because she'd have her friends helping her, and her parents and Abbey were gonna come stay for the summer. Lew and Benji said they wanted me to be in the band, they said that I looked like I had fun; I was afraid that they'd hate me being gone most of the year; I put a reminder on my phone to call and FaceTime with them every day I would be gone.

I followed Naomi up to my old bedroom, making sure that we were quiet and didn't wake my folks. In my room, we both began to change; "I needa shower," I murmured.

I turned and saw Naomi was down to her underwear, her bump looked so cute on her. I can't remember what she looked like when she was pregnant with Lewy, I vaguely remember how she looked when she was pregnant with Benji, she was big with Benji.

"I'm gonna hit the sack," she told me; she didn't even notice me staring.

"Navy," I called to her; she looked at me as she went through her bag on the bed, "you look so cute."

She laughed, "Shut up."

"You do," I went over and kissed her.

Naomi smiled and kissed me back, "Go take a shower, you smell."

I laughed and shook my head, "Whatever, baby."

Naomi giggled and began to put on pajama pants and a shirt before I left to shower. As I got in, hoping not to wake my parents, I kept replaying the night in my head. It was crazy and it feels like a dream, I couldn't wait to do it again, and I don't believe I could ever get tired of it.

I returned to the room and found Naomi lying on the second bed, reading a book...Catcher in the Rye. She looked up at me, "What about Holden?"

"Holden? What about 'im?"

"No, the name," she said, "for a girl...like Dahlia Holden? Or Holden Dahlia?"

I shrugged, "If you wanna name our daughter after a psychotic character, sure."

She rolled her eyes at me, "Geez, you're so mean."

I went to the other bed and began to look for some clothes in my bag, "I'm just sayin'."

"I thought you liked Holden Caulfield," she said.

"I do, but I don't wanna name my kid after him."

"You're no fun," she teased.

I just smiled as I dried off and then got dressed, "I thought you liked Susie or whatever?"

"I do, but I was just suggesting it."

"I like Susie too," I turned around and went over to lie down with her. "I think we got the names we want, Navy."

She shrugged, setting the book aside, "Okay. Get some sleep, Pete."

Naomi turned out the light and sunk in beside me. I closed in beside her, placed my arm over her waist and pulled her close to me. Naomi leaned over and kissed my cheek; I shut my eyes and soon fell asleep.


It felt like I hadn't had slept in ages. Coming and going from here to there. Interviews everyday, shows nearly every night. Meeting new people and signing stuff. Video chats with my kids and pictures of things I was missing, and I really did miss my kids.

Naomi sent me videos and pictures of the everyday, and I gushed over them like you wouldn't believe. With Jasmine on tour with us, doing her homework with the help of Naomi, made me a little jealous of Andy, because he got to have his daughter there every second; I wanted my kids there every second, too, but I had to deal; when I did see them in person, I spent every single second with my eyes on them, giving them my full attention, and it made my jealous feelings a lot easier to deal with. I also was obsessing over the baby; I would put my hand over Naomi's belly and talk to the kid. I was more than excited to have another one, even if my life was so busy and constantly on the go. I couldn't be there for every appointment, but Naomi always sent me updates.

Just before Benji's birthday, me and the guys, with Jasmine at Andy's mom's, were in Chicago doing a shoot for AP Magazine about our old apartment, telling old stories. The interviewer had asked us about how we kept up with the rent and with cleaning if we were always gone and Joe answered; "We used to pay Pete's girlfriend--now wife, Naomi, to pay our rent and wash our clothes. She didn't even stay here, she would come and give our landlord the rent, sometimes she even like paid half of it because we were broke."

As he said that, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I looked down and pulled it out, seeing Naomi calling me; "Hey, can you give me a second?"

"Yeah, sure," the interviewer said.

I stood up and stepped over to the kitchen, then answered, "Hey, Navy, how was your appointment?"

"Do you wanna know what we're having?" Her voice was full of joy, and I was quick to say yes while my excitement grew. "Are you sure?"

"Yes! Tell me!" I muttered excitedly.

Naomi giggled, "You're gonna have a little princess, Pete. Little Susie Wentz."

I couldn't help the grin growing on my face, "A girl?"

"Yes," she giggled again, "a little girl. I just found out a minute ago, I'm looking at the ultrasound as we speak. I paid for the 3D imagery and you can see so much! She has your frown, she's so pretty, I'll send you a picture."

My grin was uncontrollable. I was emotional. I wanted to laugh and cry. I was also upset that I couldn't be there. Still, I was happier than I ever thought I could be in my entire life.

"Are you excited?" She asked me.

I had been silent, smiling like an idiot, "Hell yeah I'm excited! I'm...fucking happy!"

"I knew you would be," she said cockily. "Your wish is granted, don't forget to tell the uncles."

I bit at my lip, "Can I tell everybody it's a girl?"

"Oh gosh, are you gonna break twitter again?"

I laughed, "Maybe."

"If you wanna tell everyone, it's okay. Let's just keep the ultrasound photos to ourselves."

"No doubt. I won't tell twitter, just the guys and my parents. I'll even drop by your parents house and tell them."

"Aw!" She giggled, "You do your thing then, Peter."

I hung up with Naomi a moment later and returned to the interview. The guys were looking at me; "How's Naomi?" Joe asked, smiling at me.

"She's good, she's got 3D pictures of the baby she's gonna send me."

"Congratulations," the interview smiled at me; she was pretty young, and I couldn't remember her name, I was only thinking about Naomi. "What're you having?"

I kept it to myself.

"We're not tellin' anyone," I said casually. "We've got names though."

"That's great, you guys make such a cute couple."

I chuckled, "Thanks."

The interview went on, we told stories and then we took pictures, copying the cover of Take This to Your Grave. After, the guys and I went to eat with Marcus and Sam, our road manager. We found a restaurant that wasn't too full and got tables in the back.

"Tell me what the baby is," Joe said, "now, because Marie wants to know what to buy you guys."

I laughed, and checked my phone; sure enough, Naomi had sent the ultrasound pictures. I was in awe of them, it was a little off color, but you could see the baby's face and everything. You could tell it was a girl; "It's a girl," I showed them the picture, "we're naming her Susana."

"Susie Q?" Marcus joked. "Congrats, you little fucker."

I shook my head, smiling, and then looked back at the picture, "God, she's somethin' else...I can't wait till she's here."

"Soon, man, you'll have enough kids for all of us," Patrick said.

"He already does," Joe joked, "can I have Benji?"

"I'll take Lew," Patrick joined, laughing, "he likes my music."

"You can't have my kids," I retorted, smirking at them.

"Greedy," Joe snorted, laughing.

"You're all uncles, so be happy with that."