Without You, I'm Just Me

That night, I fell asleep with both of my boys lying near me. Benji fell asleep his his cheek on my chest and Lewy wrapping one arm around my middle, his cheek resting against my stomach. Every so often one of them would mumble incoherently and shift, never leaving my body. This was all perfect for me. I love having them so close.

I couldn't sleep though. Not because of them, but because I was thinking deeply about Naomi. It was a same old record that I knew the tunes to; every instrument, every word, and it never seemed to grow old. I was always down, always thinking about her. I don't know any other way to live.

I thought about the way she laughed, the way she smiled. Her lips curving, the edge of her teeth perfectly straight, but her canines were dull sharp, like she was some sort of animal, maybe a vampire. It wasn't such a stretch that they were noticeable, but they were sharp, and if you looked at them closely, you'd think she was not of this world. I used to think she couldn't be real; too perfect. I used to imagine that she was something I made up in my head when I was on my anxiety medication.

How did I pull this girl out of my dreams?

I would think of what she was made of; half Italian, half Hispanic. Had no real memory of her grandparents, no clue of where she originated, except what her old man told her. She has a lot of heart, a stomach full of guts and bravery you could match in the fictional world of heroines. She had a weakness for me, for loves and it was always some sort of downfall for her...me too. She could befriend anyone she wanted to, a choosey girl who is easy to fall in love with.

Very forgiving. Not so much now. I don't even know what could make her smile anymore, except for Benji and Lewis. I used to be able to tell what she was thinking, not so much now. I used to know her like the back of my hand, now it seems like I don't know her like I barely know myself.

I used to love to lie naked in bed with her; I would count the freckles on her chest, the ones barely visible across her cheeks and nose. The faint childhood scars on her knees, and the way both of her pinkies look as if they're trying to escape the other 3 fingers in place. She has this birthmark on the back of her left ear that kinda looks like an exclamation point; 2 parts, one long oblong with a smaller oblong below it. I don't think I ever told her about it, I'm sure she's seen it, I think it's the coolest thing on her. Her mole, man, that Lewy got from her, is like a trademark, kinda like Cindy Crawford, only on the right side of her lip, and a little smaller.

She's perfect, I can't even explain.

I love how amazing she smells, how she puts on that lotion every single day, even if she's not going anywhere. I love how she fusses with her hair when she's annoyed or frustrated. She twirls the ends around her fingers and bites down on it; she then grumbles and scolds herself for doing it, but does it again anyway. The way she crosses her legs, rocks her foot when she's impatient; the way she nervously smiles in awkward situations and the fact she always knows a good joke to counter my bad one. The fact she knows nearly every Smith and Ramones song and the words and blew me out the water whenever we would listen to them.

The first time we kissed played in my head. When she was high off pain killers and she was in the old beanbag chair telling me how much she liked me. When I knew that it was basically the end of the world when we kissed, but I don't regret it for a second. It was the best kiss I ever had. I couldn't stop thinking about her since that moment.

I would dream about us getting married and having kids. I always wanted it to be perfect; it would start with a dog, then a picket fence, the engagement, the perfect dress, the wedding, the amazing honeymoon where the first of our kids would be conceived, then he or she would be birthed, then a few years of perfect bliss, another kid, and then growing up and old together. My mom would say "Peter Pan and Wendy growing up", because I know that's what she'd say and I know that's what would happen. But it didn't happen, I went on tour and nothing perfect happens when you're a musician, leaving your love ones behind. I started to have doubts...could a dream even exist in reality, or does it turn to stone the second it leaves your mind?

I could repeat the same old "I wish I could take it back" because I mean it. I more than wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into myself; show myself pictures of Naomi, Lewis and Benji; to tell myself that I needed I protect her and that she is more important than some ego boosting groupie or a handful of pills. There's no way I'd believe myself, it's hard to believe it all right now.


The boys were up and ready to go the next morning. I was half asleep, waiting for Naomi; my dad was doing work, my mom was doing laundry down in the basement. It was just me and the kids, waiting for Naomi.

She showed up at 9, yawning herself, with sweats on, sneakers and a Meat Is Murder t-shirt under a red hoodie. I smiled at her, she rubbed her eyes, "I'm so ready for pancakes," she tussled her hair back, "who's with me?"

"Me!" Benji ran to her and she immediately scooped him up.

Naomi held him on her hip and kissed him, "Chocolate chip, right?"

"Yep!"

Lewy got up, "Can daddy come?"

My brows rose, as did Naomi's; she looked to me, "You wanna come?"

I shrugged, "I...if you don't mind?"

"It's cool, Rob's out of town and Ricky's taking care of his dad," she hiked up Benji, "I'll put them in the car while you get ready."

I nodded and went upstairs to clean myself up.

They all managed to get in the car by the time I was finished. I left a note for my mom, knowing she'd enjoy that. I got into the car with them, and then Naomi took off; she played music, the kids sang along in the back.

"So, I hear your a DJ now," Naomi said, her lips turning up to smirk.

"I have to do something out there," I answered.

"Black Cards?" She hummed, "Where'd you get that?"

"I dunno, just came to me."

"Well, it's great that you found something...do you miss the band?"

I looked over and shook my head, "Not as much as you think."

"I don't think you do, really," she shrugged, "Patrick is the one who misses it...Joe, too. I haven't seen much of Andy, Joe says he's in Milwaukee most of the time."

"They're in the Damned Things."

"Uh-huh," she smiled now, "I took Lewis to see them in July."

"You didn't tell me that," I said in surprise.

"It wasn't a big deal. We stayed for 2 songs, the guys met Benji, I met some rock stars," she giggled, "and that was it. It was nice."

"You talk to Patrick?"

She sighed softly, "Yeah...he's having trouble with his marriage."

I grimaced at the thought. I made a pass at his wife, Juniper. I can't remember why, but I remember we made out. That's another stupid mistake I regret. Patrick and Naomi don't know.

"Is he alright?"

"I think so--I wanna believe so. He's staying at his folks while Junie is getting some psychological help."

"What's wrong with her?" I asked her.

"I dunno, Patrick won't tell, and I won't ask. It's none of my business, but I told him I'd be there if he needed me."

"That's nice of you," I said this absentmindedly.

"He is my friend, Pete. Just because you don't talk to them, doesn't mean I don't," she got defensive.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way."

"I know, but I'm saying, why aren't you talking to them?"

"We needed a break. And we didn't break up, just for the record."

She scoffed, "I know what a hiatus is, geez."

"Everybody's sayin' we broke up, and we haven't. We just needed to take a break for a minute...we all been touring together for, what, 6-7 years straight?"

She hummed, "Sounds about right."

"Enough about me, what's going on with you?" I asked her.

A smile spread across Naomi's face, "I'm gonna be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, the October issue."

"What? For real?"

"Yeah, I'm going for the interview and shoot in about 2 weeks in New York. I'm taking Benji with me and Lewis is gonna stay with my dad."

"Lew doesn't wanna go?"

"No," she looked back for a minute, "I asked and he said no. He hates going with me. Plus, he has school and it's in the middle of the week."

"Benji agreed?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Just wondering," I smiled, "he loves you."

"Of course he does, I'm mama bear, and they're my bear cubs."

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

Naomi nodded and smiled, "Sure wouldn't."