Without You, I'm Just Me

"I'm freakin' starving," Naomi commented after we ordered.

She sat across from me with Benji in a booster seat beside her. He was coloring on the place mat, as was Lewy. She leaned over and looked at his drawing, while I watched her; I could barely keep my eyes off her, she looked so pretty.

The waitress had come with our drinks, "Here are your orange juices, milk and coffee."

Naomi had the coffee, Lew and me had the OJ, and Benji got the milk. We thanked her and off she went; "I can't believe how hungry I am," Naomi commented, "it's ridiculous."

"You didn't eat, mommy?" Benji asked.

"No, I wanted to have breakfast with the loves of my life," she smiled and kissed the top of his head.

For some reason, butterflies filled my gut. I watched her interact with the boys, silently admiring her. It was going on well until Naomi snapped her fingers in my face; "What?" I asked, dumbfounded.

Naomi held up the picture of us, "You gave this to Lewis?"

"He asked for it," I answered.

She leaned back and looked it over, "God, look how skinny I was," she smiled, "look at that baby fat, Pete!"

I rolled my eyes, "I was 22."

"You were so adorable," she laughed, "wasn't daddy adorable? He looks like Benny."

Benji looked over, "I don' look like that!"

"Uh-huh," Lewy nodded, "you look like daddy."

Naomi gave the picture back to Lewy, "Lew looks like daddy too," she told Benji, "don't worry."

Benji shrugged, "I don' care."

Naomi rubbed his back and chuckled. It wasn't long before our food arrived; Naomi cut up Benji's food for him, helping him eat. He fussed about the eggs; "I'll eat 'em, then," she told him, "god, I am so hungry."

I raised a brow, "You okay?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I'm just hungry. I haven't eaten a good meal in a long time, I've been busy catching up on my sleep."

I watched Naomi eat; she ate like she hadn't before. I frowned at this, "Are you...you know?" I asked finally.

Naomi wiped her mouth with her napkin, "What?"

"Do I need to spell it out?" I mumbled.

"Apparently," she said, drinking her coffee.

"Are you P-R-E-G--"

She cut me off as her tired eyes grew wide, "Thats none of your business!"

The boys looked at us; I got my answer.

"You jokin'?" I was in disbelief, honestly.

She looked away, then at Benji and Lewis, "Eat, guys, we have a lot to do today."

Benji continued to eat, but Lewy looked at us. Naomi gave him a look, and he ate his bacon. Her eyes met mine, "I'm not discussing anything with you. It's none of your business."

My stomach turned, "Are you serious?"

She sighed, "Pete, just drop it."

"Is that why you're taking a break?"

Her jaw set, "I'm begging you to shut up, okay?"

I sat back, feeling queasy, "I think I might throw up."

"Oh my God, grow up, Pete," she drank more coffee, "it's not your concern anyway."

"Yeah, it is actually," I muttered, and leaned in to whisper to her, "we have kids, and I have to deal with one that isn't mine."

"Deal with it?" She furrowed her brows, "Who says? I might not even keep it."

I don't know what happened then, but my stomach stopped churning. But, my ears got hot, I felt upset for some reason.

"Does he know?"

Naomi shut her eyes, "No. Why am I even talking to you about this? You're so nosy," she rambled.

"You could've ignored me."

"No, I couldn't," she ate some more, "can we drop it now?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

Naomi looked down at her plate and pushed it away, "Thanks for ruining my appetite."

"I couldn't help it, okay? It was bothering me."

"I wish you'd stay out of my life."

"You and me have kids, I'm never going to stay out of your life."

"Thanks for reminding me," she grumbled.

I couldn't say sorry, she hated when I did. I just sighed and drank, finishing up my meal. Once we were all finished, we both split the bill and headed out.

In the car, it was tense, Naomi with her hands on the wheel and the kids humming in the back. I tapped my fingers on my knee, my eyes kept wandering to her stomach. I wondered how far along she was, she didn't look pregnant. The thought made me sick, I sure as hell didn't want this, even if I had no control of it. This wouldn't be right.

"Stop staring," she muttered, her eyes were forward, "I'm only 8 weeks."

"I can't help myself," I mumbled, "I...I'm sorry about that."

"Please don't bring it up to anyone, alright?"

"I won't," I told her.

"Only Ricky knows," she said, "God, I need to stop thinking about this."

I didn't bring it up anymore, neither did she, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted to talk to Ricky now, but at the same time, I didn't. I didn't want to know, I don't think I can handle Naomi starting another life with Rob -or anyone else for that matter.

I kept my mouth shut. Quiet as she drove; we got to the store, and even then I was silent. I carried Benji while we browsed the store; Lewy got his backpack and then he got some supplies and socks. Benji hung onto me, grumbling about my face, "It's scruffy! You need'a shave."

I finally smiled, "Sorry."

He hugged his arms around my neck, "'S okay."

As we left, Naomi gave me the keys to drive; "I don't feel good," she said to me.

"What do you need?" I asked her.

"Just drive," she breathed, "I gotta throw up."

"Want me to drive you home?"

"Yeah, hurry."

I drove and watched her hold her stomach. She clenched her jaw, keeping her eyes shut. I managed to make it to her house, where she jumped out the car and rushed up the driveway.

"What's wrong with mommy?" Lewy asked.

"She's sick. C'mon, lets go inside."

I helped the boys out and into the house. We could hear Naomi puking right down the hall. Benji ran towards the hall, "Mommy!"

I followed after him, "Hey, c'mon, mommy's sick."

Naomi had shut the door, and Benji knocked on it; "Mommy!"

"It's okay, Benji, I'm fine," she muttered.

I picked him up; Naomi had turned the faucet on and I opened the door, "Look, mommy's okay."

Naomi was brushing her teeth; her face was flushed, eyes red. She looked up and waved in the mirror, spitting out the toothpaste, "I'm okay, Benny."

He tweaked his lips, "'Kay. I got scared."

She smiled, "Sorry."

He asked to let him down and I set him in his feet. He went over to Naomi and hugged her hips; she rinsed her mouth and set her tooth brush away, "Aw, baby boy, it's okay. I'm just a little sick, that's all."

She knelt to him, hugging him, he hugged her back. She picked him up and cradled him, "I love you," she told him, "I'm okay, you don't need to be scared."

I patted his back, and Naomi looked at me with a small frown; "Want me to take him?" I asked her.

She shook her head, "No."

I gave a nod and left them; Lewy was sitting on the couch, looking at the picture again. I sat beside him, "You really like that picture, don't you?"

He nodded, "You and mom look happy together...I never seen her smile like that."

He sounded older than he is. I couldn't believe my kid.

"That was a long time ago, Lew," I exhaled, "things were different."

He shrugged, got up and made his way down the hall; Naomi came out then, "Where you goin'?"

"My room," he answered simply.

Naomi chuckled, carrying Benji out, "Okay."

She sat down with him, he nestled in her lap, "What's up with Lew?"

"I dunno," I answered.

"He's acting like a teenager," she made a face, "it's weird."

"He's my kid, so he's gonna be weird."

She smiled, "I'm getting used to it. How about you, Benny? Lew's weirdness freakin' you out?"

He shrugged, "No. I'm weird, too."

Me and Naomi chuckled. She buried her face in his neck, kissing him while he giggled. He begged her to stop all the while laughing so hard; once she stopped, she kissed his face, "I love you, baby."

"I know," he laughed.

She scoffed, "You know? You sound like your dad."

Benji giggled, biting his bottom lip, "Do I?"

I shrugged, "Probably."

Naomi looked at me, "Oh, he does. You do," she looked at him.

Benji smiled, "Cool."

"That's not cool!" She tickled him.

Benji was in a fit of laughter, tossing in Naomi's lap. I shook my head, chuckling at this. Within a second, Lewis was back, making face, "What's going on?"

Naomi stopped tickling Benji, "I'm tickling your brother."

"Why?"

"Because he's weird," she said, "want me to tickle you?"

Lewis shook his head, "Not-uh."

"Are you sure?" Naomi raised a brow.

"I'm sure," he sat beside me, "Mommy's weird."

I laughed, "Yeah, but we're all weird."

Lewis laughed and pressed his head to my arm.


Later on, Naomi dropped me off at my folks. She stopped me before I got out her car; "Pete, please--"

I cut her off, "Secret's safe with me."

"Monday...I'm going to the clinic. Ricky's dropping me off and picking me up. I need you to watch Benji for, like, 2 hours."

"You're gonna be sick after."

"I know," she said, "I'll go with you to pick Lewy up, I just need you watch Benji."

"You don't have to ask. You sure you're gonna be up to picking up Lew?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Okay. Fine with me. I'll see them tomorrow."

"Thanks."

I nodded, "Don't thank me. I'll see you, Naomi."

She waved, "Bye Pete."

I waved to the boys and made my way up to the house. Naomi didn't drive off until I was inside. Once I was in, by myself, my chest grew tight. I wasn't sure why I was upset, because she was doing what she needed to do. She wasn't keeping his baby...the thought of her carrying his kid had made me sick.

But, I was worried about Naomi and how she felt about not keeping it. She was probably sad...maybe she didn't want to do it. Maybe she did want this kid? I don't know, all I know is I couldn't shake this awful feeling. It was deep inside, thank God I was able to ignore it.

I needed to ignore all hasty feelings towards Naomi.