Without You, I'm Just Me

Sunday afternoon, I went to Naomi's and was kinda shocked to see a car in the driveway. I had walked there, finally getting to smoke because my mom hates when I smoke in her car. I took a long inhale before I went up to the door; I eyed the car before I tossed my cigarette.

I exhaled and started up the pathway, I went up to the door and knocked. I rocked on my heels until the door opened; Rob stood there, "What?"

I gritted my teeth, "I needa talk to Naomi."

"For what? She's busy."

I pushed my way through into the house; it was quiet, except for the TV; "Yo, Naomi?"

"What?" She called back; I figured out she was in the bathroom.

"I'm here to see the kids," I made my way to the bathroom; she was kneeling by the tub, washing up Benji, "Where's Lewis?"

Naomi looked back at me, "He's in his room."

"Is Benji almost ready?"

She nodded, "Yep, I just gotta rinse him off and dress him. Lewy should be dressed."

I left the bathroom and went down the hallway to Lewy's room. I knocked on the door and opened it, "Lew, it's me," I looked in and saw him sitting on his bed. "Hey, little dude, what's up?"

He had his head down, so I went over and knelt beside him, "Lew? What's wrong?"

He sniffed and rubbed his nose with his arm, "Mommy took my picture."

"Your picture?"

He looked at me, "The one you gave me. Robert saw it and got mad, mommy took it!"

I frowned, "Where is it?"

"She hide it from me."

I sighed, "I'm sorry, Lew. I'll try and get it back for you."

He shook his head, "No...he'll get mad."

"I'm gonna talk to your mom--"

"No!" He jumped up, "I don't want them to yell!"

I looked him over, seeing how upset he was. He had that look of desperation Naomi gets; I pulled him to me and setting him in my lap, "Okay, okay. How about I give you another picture of your mom and one of me?"

He nodded, "Yeah."

"I'm sorry about Rob," I rubbed his back, "today, me, you and Benny are gonna walk Hemy and go to the park, sound good?"

He smiled, "Yes."

"Where's Hemy?"

"In the backyard."

"Alright, go get his leash and I'll get Benny ready to go."

Lewy hopped off my lap, I got up and followed him out the room. I went across the hall, where Naomi was drying Benji's hair. He giggled, smiling, "Hi daddy."

"Hey, Benny. Are you almost ready?"

"Yep!"

"I just need to dry this curly mess and then put his shoes on," Naomi said, "where are you taking them?"

"We're gonna take Hemy for a walk and then to the park," I explained, "I'll bring 'em back here."

She hummed, "Sounds like a plan."

I inhaled, "Ay, what's up with Lewy's picture?"

Naomi looked back at me before grabbing Benji's shoes, "Look, it's not a big deal, I told him he could have it back soon. He carries that thing everywhere."

"He likes it, Naomi, what do you expect?"

"I didn't expect him to literally carry it everywhere with him. I thought he was gonna leave it in his room."

"So, because your boyfriend's back, you gotta hide any evidence that we were together?"

She sighed, "It's no big deal, okay? He'll get it back, unless he keeps it in his room...I'm also kinda worried he's gonna lose it. That's a cool picture of us."

"Where is it?" I asked her.

"Why?"

"Because I wanna know. Where is it?"

"Pete, don't--"

I cut her off, "Just tell me where it is; I'm not gonna drop this."

She rolled her eyes at me, "In my bedroom, top drawer, under my panties."

My brows rose, but I shrug it off and left Benji's room; "Lew, c'mere!"

Lewy came in from the living room and rushed over to me, "Hmm?"

"Follow me, dude," Lewy gave a nod and followed me to Naomi's room. I went to the top dresser drawer and looked for the picture. I found it, then turned to Lewy, "This needs to stay in one place, okay?"

"But, I wanna take it with me all the time," he argued quickly.

"I know, but right now you need to keep it in your room, alright? I'll put it somewhere you can see it all the time, okay?" I knelt down and lowered my voice, "Just until that dick head leaves."

Lewy laughed, "Okay, dad."

"Let's go find a place," I stood and let him lead the way.

In his room, he picked a spot; beside his bed, on the wall. I didn't object to that, it was a great place. I taped it for him and then we got ready to head out; Benji was all ready and ordered me to pick him up, which I did.

Naomi kissed his face, "Have fun, don't get too dirty," she knelt down to Lewy, "you be careful on that skateboard, promise?"

He nodded, "I promise."

"Keep your helmet on," she added.

"I will."

Naomi kissed him, "I love you, bub."

"I love you, too."

Naomi stood and pouted sweetly at Benji, "Be careful holding Hemy's leash, you remember what happened last time?"

Benji laughed, "I teared my pants!"

Naomi smiled, "Yeah, I don't want that to happen again. Love you, Benny."

"Love you, mommy," he waved at her.

"See ya," I said to her.

She hummed, "Yeah."

I set Benji down as we made it outside with Hemy and Lewis on his skateboard. He was getting pretty good at it, he could balance on his own; Benji held Hemy's leash and trotted beside me.

"When did Rob come back?" I asked them.

"Last night," Lewy said, slowing down.

"Mommy kicked me out of the bed!" Benji exclaimed.

I chuckled, "Sorry, Benny."

"He had to sleep in my bed!" Lewy said.

"Where does Hemy sleep?"

"With mommy, but he sleeps with Benji when Rob comes home."

"When's he leaving?"

"Dunno," Lewy pushed off.

I smiled at him going off ahead of us on the empty sidewalk. I looked down at Benji, who was growing tired, "You alright, Ben?"

He made a face, "I'm tired, daddy."

"Okay, I'll carry ya," I stopped, took the leash and picked Benji up, "Better?"

He hummed, then wrapped his arms around my neck, "Uh-huh."

I kissed his cheek, "Good."


Me and the boys were on our way back to Naomi's when we saw an ambulance from a block away. At first, we didn't think it was Naomi; "What happened?" Benji asked.

"Maybe the old lady next door got hurt," Lewy said.

We kept going, then we all stopped when we saw Naomi being carried out on a stretcher. Benji dropped the leash and began to run, Lewy was right behind him, leaving his skateboard behind; "Hey!" I called to them, "Hold on!"

I picked up the skateboard and ran with Hemy to catch up. Benji was beginning to shout; "Mommy! Mommy! What's wrong?!"

I picked him up, seeing Naomi being put in the back of the ambulance. She stopped one of the medics and motioned us over; it was all so surreal. Rob was in the back with her, I wondered what the hell he did; "What happened?" I asked her quickly.

"I fell," she said, "on my stomach."

My eyes widened, and I stepped back; Benji wiggled out of my grip and climbed into the ambulance, "I wanna go."

"You can't, baby, I'm sorry," she murmured, "I'll be okay, I promise," she hissed softly, "just go with daddy."

Benji shook his head, Rob picked him up, causing Benji to scream. I went over and took him, "Don't ever fucking touch him," I growled at him.

He just glared at me.

I knew he had something to do with her falling. I cradled Benji and stepped away; Naomi had tears in her eyes, she looked away from me. I bit at my lip and took Lewy's hand, "Lets go inside...call grandma to pick us up."

Lewy pulled away from my hand, picked up his skateboard and led the way into the yard. I unclipped Hemy, hearing the ambulance speed off; Benji looked back; "Is mommy gonna be okay?"

"She'll be just fine, Benny, don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," I rubbed his back.

Benji started to cry, burying his face into my neck. I carried him into the house and cradled him, comforting him. "Shh, it's okay, Benny, don't worry."

"Daddy," Lewy said, gaining my attention, "there's blood."

I looked over and saw there was droplets of blood around the hall. I sighed, "Uh, go sit down in the living room, I'll clean it up and call grandma."

I set Benji down on the couch with Lewy, and rubbed his back again, "Don't worry, alright? Mommy will be just fine."

He rubbed his eyes and sniffed; I ruffled his hair and looked over at Lewy, "You okay, Lew?"

He shook his head, "It's Robert's fault."

I frowned, fighting hard not to agree. I just patted his shoulder and went to go clean up the mess.


"I'm tellin' you, mom, he must've pushed her."

"Pete, you don't know that."

"Yes I do! Just yesterday she told me she was gonna go to the clinic and today she falls accidentally? I think he got pissed and he shoved her."

My mom gave me a hard look, "Okay, maybe you're right, but it's none of our business."

"None of my business?!" I exclaimed, "Benji hasn't stopped crying since he saw her get in the fucking ambulance!"

"Pete!" She snapped at me, "You need to calm down and watch your mouth."

I sat down at the kitchen table, frowned and breathing deeply, "I'm sorry, but Naomi's in the hospital, suffering from a miscarriage and I'm sure she wants to be there in the morning when Lewis starts his first day of kindergarten."

"It could have been an accident, you know. Maybe she tripped," my mom tried to reason.

"It's never an accident when he's around," I spat, "now my kids are all...freaked out. Lewis has to go to school tomorrow and Naomi's gonna be in the hospital."

My mom tweaked her lips, "Either way you think this happened, Pete, it has happened. Naomi is hurting, she's suffering right now, and being angry at her--"

"I'm not angry at her, I'm pissed off at Rob."

"No, honey," she shook her head, "you're angry with Naomi."

"I have a right to be! She's with a prick who's jealous and controlling," I stood up, pacing because I was so mad. "You know, Lewis asked for a picture of me and Naomi, back from when we were first dating, and I gave it to him. You know what happened?"

My mom blinked, "What happened?"

"Naomi had to hide it because Rob was mad about it. It wasn't for him and it wasn't for Naomi, it was for our kid because he has never seen us happy together, ever."

"That's terribly sad," she frowned deeply.

"He even said..." I sat down, feeling my shoulders grow heavy, "Lewis said he never seen Naomi so happy before...that picture, she's smiling, me and her together, and she's happy. Lewy has never seen that."

My mom placed her hand on my arm, "You and Naomi were young and in love and things were so very different. You weren't yourself and Naomi needed someone, that's why she left you, Pete."

"But him?" I questioned aggressively, "A guy who beats her up?"

"Maybe she feels like he's the only one who'll love her. I've met women like that, who only stay because they think that no one will want them, so they stay with their abuser because they fight so hard to keep them. They believe that's love."

"I want her, though," I muttered, "I love her."

"Pete," she rubbed my arm again, "I know that you do, I believe it with my entire heart, but Naomi doesn't believe it. If you were her, would you believe it?"

I shook my head, "No."

"Then, what would you do?"

"I don't know."

"Naomi probably feels the same way. She doesn't want to be broken hearted again, especially by someone she loves so much. It's more than apparent that she still loves you; who's her favorite?"

I furrowed my brow, "What, her favorite?"

"Benjamin. Benji is her favorite," she smiled, "Yes, she loves both of the boys equally, but Benji is the one who she's closest to."

"Because he loves her so much."

"That's a bonus," my mom chuckled, "but, Benji looks just like you, Pete. He's your twin, and Naomi loves him, he's her favorite and you can't deny that."

I sighed, "Yeah...it's true."

"She wants you around and he and Lewy are the only thing she can have. You're not available, so thank God for the kids."

"I want her, mom--"

"You're married."

I shut my eyes a moment, "You know, I almost forgot."

"You need to just breathe and actually decide, because this is too much for you. If you want Naomi, you're going to have to show it; if you wanna stay with Ashlee, you go back to California and make it work."

"I know," I said, standing again, "I'm gonna...go to bed. I have to get up early, Lee's comin' to pick me up to take Lewy to school."

My mom nodded, "Goodnight son."

"Night, ma."

I headed out the kitchen and up the stairs. As I treaded up, I twisted my wedding ring off my finger and looked at my tattoo there. I had gotten an N inside a heart; cheesy, I know, but I was high and in love. I had gotten it for my 28th birthday, on the Honda Civic tour; I just missed Naomi and loved her so much, I could only think of one way to contain it; getting inked. Naomi has never seen it, no one has, I've been wearing a ring there for as long as I could remember. I traded the necklace for the ring; the thought of that made me feel my throat...I needed to put the necklace back on.

I needed to feel close to her.