Without You, I'm Just Me

I hate dreaming about her, but I love it too. When I dreamt about Naomi, it was always a memory; always. It was one I was too high to remember, too stupid to even faintly recall.

This dream was amazing. Every sense was heightened.

Naomi and I were walking, it was cold, I think it was October. We walked home from a show, and it was freezing. I bit at my lip, watching her shake slightly; I unwrapped my scarf and stopped her.

"What?" Her teeth chattered.

I wrapped the scarf around her neck, "You're shaking."

"It's below 40 out here," she smiled, her nose rosy red.

"Warm up," I rubbed her back, "How's that?"

"It's better, thanks," she smiled at me.

My heart fluttered and I loved the way she held the end of my scarf in her hand. I felt like I needed to protect her. I wanted to protect her from everything back then.

When I was with Naomi I felt like I had all the love in the world. When I was away from Naomi, I felt abandon and alone, despite all the bodies around me. I felt like no one cared or bothered to ask me how I was or if I took too many or not enough pills. She called, I felt anger towards her, and I'm not sure why...maybe because she didn't call me sooner. When she came to visit, I wanted her all to myself; I didn't want her to talk to anyone but me.

I hated sharing her.

When we had sex, it was something else than sex. Cliche to say that it was truly love making. I felt like our bodies and souls connected when I was inside of her and her arms were around me. Even the quickies were just enough to send my heart in a spin. I love the feeling of her, the taste of her; her body fit perfectly against mine.

We are perfect for each other, I saw it and cared not to do anything about it. I only wanted fun and love frightened me; Jesus Christ, I just wanted her to forget me.

But, man, I just wanted her. My heart and head were conflicted. All day long in my head, when I was with her, I would repeat: Please don't leave me, please don't leave me, please don't leave me. When she finally left me, I began to repeat: Pease come back. I always got her back and I always felt like I needed more, but I didn't know what.

I still think about what I did wrong. A repeating record. It's the same old song and dance that's sending me to a tailspin.


My dream played off in my head as I got Lewy ready. He shivered from the morning cold; I bundled him up as well as I could. I did the same with Benji, who was already starting to cry after just waking up. I did my best to comfort him until Lee showed up; he came in Amy's car, not his truck, which through me by surprise. I took the boys to the car and set them in; "Rob's at the house, I'm gonna pick up Lewy's backpack."

"Alright," I said shortly.

It was early and I was still foggy from sleep. Yesterday didn't hit me, not until we got to the house; "I had to pick him up this morning," Lee had said, "Naomi made him go home."

I bit at the inside of my cheek. I was so ready to tell him everything, but Naomi's pleads played in my head. "Is she alright?"

Lee sighed, "Yeah, they're going to release her in a few hours. She cracked a rib when she fell."

My brows rose, "Whoa."

He nodded in agreement, "Yeah, whoa."

"Robert did it," Lewy announced, "he pushed my mom."

Lee frowned and looked back, "What?"

"He did it, papa!" He exclaimed.

Lee looked at me, "Did he?"

I shrugged, "I have no idea, Mr. V. We weren't there, we got there when they were taking her."

He looked beyond relieved. I'm sure he would've been on a rampage if had known half the shit I knew. I was surprised Lewy hadn't told Lee anything sooner, or at all.

"Hey, Lew, we talked about this," Lee parked just outside Naomi's house, "your mom and Rob love each other, you don't have to like it, but at least give him a chance."

Lewis frowned and opened the back door; Lee turned the car off and followed him. He and Lewis went up to the house and inside, where Rob had opened the door. I growled and shook my head, "Asshole."

"Daddy," Benji called to me, "can I see mommy?"

I looked back at him, "Yeah, I'll take you to see mommy. Lets drop Lewy off first, okay?"

He sniffed and nodded.

Lee and Lewis returned; Lewis had the picture in his hand, looking at it. He climbed into the car and gave it to Benji to hold so he could put his seatbelt on. Lee climbed in, "Lets get this show on the road."


I was caught off guard as we took Lewis to his class. He and Benji stood by the door talking in their own language, like twins do; Cryptophasia. I was surprised, completely fascinated by it. Lewis and Benji hugged and then I led Lewis into his class to meet his teacher.

"You must be Peter, right?" The teacher knelt to Lewis, "I'm Ms. Fox."

Lewy looked up at me, and I cleared my throat, "Uh, he prefers to be called Lewis."

She smiled and stood, "Thats right, Naomi is your wife?"

I shook my head, "No, uh, ex."

"I used to work with her," Ms. Fox hummed, "I forgot she had a son."

"We got 2."

Her blue eyes lit up, "Yes! I remember now, Benjamin is in Pre-K."

"Yeah," I nodded.

"I forget these things," she rolled her eyes playfully, "but, I'm sure I can remember that handsome little face," she looked down at Lewis, "Are you ready to see your friends from Pre-K, Lewis?"

He nodded, "Is Chantel here?"

Ms. Fox smiled, "Yep, she just arrived."

I grabbed Lewis before he rushed off, "Lemme get a picture of you to show your mom."

Lewy made a face, but agreed. I took a picture of him with his tongue sticking out; "Now gimme a hug, buddy."

I knelt down and embraced Lewy. He sighed softly, "I'm scared."

I let him go and looked at him, "How come? Aren't these your friends?"

He nodded, but then he whispered, "Who's gonna protect mommy while I'm here?"

I blinked rapidly, "Hey, you don't have to worry about that, Lew. For real, just worry about coloring, okay? Learn something new so you can teach Benny when you get home. I'll take care of your mom while you're here."

He shook his head frantically, "But you're gone all the time," he spoke desperately, "and Benny is a baby!"

"Lewis, listen to me, your mom is okay. Rob ain't gonna hurt her, cuz if he does, I'll know and I'll hurt him," I spoke softly so the teacher wouldn't hear, "so, don't worry, alright?" I smiled at him, "You believe me?"

He shrugged.

I hugged him again, and then rubbed his back, "I love you, buddy, you know that? So does your mom."

"Yeah, I know," he mumbled.

"Do you trust me?"

He nodded, "Yes."

"Then trust me when I say I'll take care of your mom."

Again, he nodded, "Okay. I love you, dad."

I kissed his forehead, "I love you, too, Lew. Have a good day, make a few friends and a girlfriend."

He laughed and took off. I stood and met eyes with Ms. Fox, "First day jitters?"

"Yeah, more or less," I reciprocated.

"Well, the day will fly by; school ends at 12:45."

"Great, we'll be here," I exhaled, "thanks."

"Sure, no problem."

Ms. Fox went on her way and I looked over at Lewis; he was talking to a girl with short blonde hair. He was too busy to notice me, so I just left; I met Lee and Benji in the car, "How is he?"

"He's good," I said, deciding to keep our little conversation to myself. I had to choice but to. "He's just worried about Naomi."

"Yeah, the kids love her," Lee smiled, "we'll go see her, unless you want me to drop you off?"

"Nah, it's okay, I'll go."


The drive to the hospital was quiet; Lee seemed deep in thought, so I didn't want to bother him. Up to Naomi's room, we could hear arguing. A nurse and Naomi; Lee went in first, while I carried Benji, who was excited.

"I need to get out of here," Naomi exclaimed.

"Your doctor needs to--"

"I'm fine," Naomi muttered over the nurse, "Dad?"

I followed after him, seeing Naomi in a hospital gown out of the bed. Her arm was dripping blood; she had pulled the IV out.

"Naomi, get back in the bed," Lee ordered her.

"I want to go home," she sighed; she finally saw me, "What--Benji, baby, hey."

Benji wiggled out of my grip, so I set him down. He ran to Naomi and let her pick him up. He hugged her tight, "Are you comin' home?"

Naomi nodded, "Yeah, I am."

The nurse sighed, "We can't sign you out until 3, after your doctor has seen you and made sure you're healthy enough to leave."

"I'm just fine," Naomi continued to argue.

"Naomi, kid, just get back in the bed, alright?"

Naomi looked at her dad, her arms still wrapped around Benji, "I don't want to stay here."

"You just had minor surgery," the nurse added, "please?"

Finally, Naomi went over to the bed and sat with Benji. The nurse cleaned up her arm and reinserted clean needles into her IV and into her arm, taping them down. The nurse shook her head, "I'll page the doctor and have him get here as soon as possible."

Naomi thanked her, sending her on her way. She looked at Benji and kissed him, "Oh, baby boy, I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too, mommy," Benji rested his cheek against Naomi's chest.

"How are you?" Lee questioned her, "What'd they say about your rib?"

"It's just cracked," she relayed, "but doctors and nurses don't say much when you're in here. They just want you to suffer so they can get a paycheck at the end of the week."

I didn't say anything, I just watched her. I had nothing to say with her dad there.

"Did you eat yet?"

"No," she shook her head, "Breakfast should be here soon, but I'm not hungry."

"How's everything else?" Her dad spoke quietly.

"I'm fine dad," Naomi looked down at Benji, "they gave me some pain meds and some feeding through my drip."

Lee looked at the saline bag, then at me, "You alright, Pete?"

"I'm fine," I said quickly.

Naomi looked at me, "How's Lewis? He was upset wasn't he?"

I looked at Lee and then at Naomi, "He saw his friend, Chantel, and he just went to her. His teacher...Ms. Fox remembers you," I felt like I was forgetting it all. I wanted to tell her what Lewy told me, but I couldn't, not with Lee around. "I took a picture of him," I grabbed my phone, unlocked it, and showed her.

She took it from me and smiled, "Send that to me, I'm gonna print it out and frame it...he looks so adorable."

I nodded, getting my phone back, "He wasn't too upset that you weren't there, he knows you're okay...that you're here."

"What time does he get dismissed? 12:30?"

"She said 12:45," I told her.

"I'll be there to pick him up--"

Lee cut her off, "No, you're gonna stay put until the doctor says you're ready to go."

She frowned at him, "Dad, gimme a break."

"No, you're staying here until the doc says otherwise."

"Can I stay here?" Benji asked, "Please?"

Naomi kissed his head, "For awhile, baby, okay?"

Benji smiled, "'Kay."

Her dad sat at the edge of the bed and I sat in the chair beside the bed. Naomi and her dad talked for a bit before an actual doctor showed up. Lee picked up Benji so the doctor could look over Naomi; he pressed in her abdomen, causing her to hiss, "How does that feel?"

"Sharp," she muttered.

"How else do you feel?"

"I'm just sore, doc, and I'm tired. I really wanna get out of here and see my kids."

The doctor nodded sympathetically, "How's your breathing?"

"Deep breaths hurt," she relayed, "but I'm totally fine."

"We don't want you to break it, Naomi. The x-ray showed a fine crack, we want to take precaution. We'll wrap you, show you how to put it on and give you a prescription for pain medication."

"Can she eat?" Lee asked.

The doc looked over at him, "Only soft food that are easy to go down, liquids are encouraged. We'll give her some apple sauce today."

The doc left the room a second later; Lee sat Benji back on the bed, "Where the hell did you fall that got you a cracked rib?"

Naomi sighed, "The patio steps...I was feeding Hemingway--"

"Hemy was with us," I said quickly.

Naomi looked at me giving me a look, "I was putting his food out there," she said, "I remembered that he was gone after I fell...I was calling his name like an idiot, Rob reminded me just before I tripped over his water dish."

She was so convincing, I almost believed her.

"When you get home," Lee said, "you're staying put, got it?"

Naomi nodded, "Yes, dad, I know, I heard you."

"Jesus, how did you get so clumsy? Even when you were a teenager you were clumsy."

She just shrugged, "Dunno."

Lee sighed, "I'm gonna go to the cafeteria, get some apple sauce for you and Benji...get some coffee. Want anything, Pete?"

"Nah, no thanks, Mr. V."

"I'll be back. Listen to the doctor if he comes back before me, God knows all Naomi will hear is, "you can go home.""

Naomi rolled her eyes as Lee left the room. Once the door shut behind him, I found myself ready to accuse her.