Without You, I'm Just Me

"You fell," I stated shortly, knocking her lie out.

Naomi frowned deeply, "Don't start."

I looked at Benji, who was falling asleep against her lap. Naomi rubbed his back, absentmindedly.

"I'm gonna start," I snapped, "do you know what Lewy said to me before I left?" She looked away, "He said he was scared to go to school, you wanna know why?"

She shut her eyes a moment, sighing softly, "Pete, I don't--"

"He asked me who was gonna protect you while he was there. Benji can't because he's a baby and you won't tell your dad, and I'm always gone," I felt my throat growing tight, "who's gonna protect you, Naomi?"

"It's not what you think, okay? It was an accident--"

"Bullshit it was," I spoke loud, but caught myself, "that wasn't a goddamn accident. You're lying, I caught you in a fucking lie."

"Stay out of it, it's my life," her jaw set.

"It's my kids you're bringing that abusive fuck around," I narrowed my eyes at her, "do you or don't you even care that they could get hurt? Hell, Rob could kill you one day and Lewis and Benji won't have a mom anymore."

"Will you shut up?" Her eyes filled with tears; she hissed grimacing from the pain in her chest, "It's not like that!"

"What's it like then, Naomi? Do you like that he hits, pushes and calls you names? You like that shit?"

She blinked and looked up, "Shut up, Pete."

"If you like it, you're sick and you know what? I'll take the kids away from you, and I ain't jokin'."

She looked at me sharply, eyes in slits, tears rolling down her cheeks, "You wouldn't dare."

"I would, because they'll be safer with me. I don't beat my wife."

"Fuck you, Pete," she wiped her cheeks with her fingers, "I wish you'd stay out of my life."

"I wouldn't even if I had to. We have kids together, and I'm gonna be there until the day I die."

"Don't remind me," she sniffed and then groaned, "fuck, that hurts."

"And what does this fuck have to say for himself? Is he sorry, he never meant to do it?"

"I believe that's your line, Pete," she spat bitterly; she rubbed her chest, "I don't have time to argue with you."

"You're staying in the hospital until you're better, I think you have the time to listen to all the things you're doing wrong. I should tell your old man--"

"Don't even go there," she looked at me again, "I'll never hear the end of it, and it's not even a big deal."

"Pushing your pregnant girlfriend is more than a big fucking deal, Naomi."

"He didn't push me!" She winced at the pain in her chest, "I told him yesterday and we were going to keep it," she growled, "he started to cry when he found out."

I rolled my eyes, "Boo, fucking hoo."

She shook her head, "Go away, Pete. Why did you even come?"

"To tell you what your fuckin' relationship is doing to our kids. Benji didn't stop crying until he fell asleep last night. This morning, he woke up crying, Naomi; don't you fucking care?"

She sniffed again and exhaled, "Pete, I care, and Rob isn't doing anything I can't handle."

I nearly exploded; I had to remind myself where I was and that my son was in her lap; "Are you stupid? Did he hit your head, too?" I growled angrily at her.

"There isn't anything I can't handle," she repeated, forcefully, "believe me."

"You. Are. In. The. Hospital," I spoke slowly, "Can't handle? Does he have to beat you to a pulp to get you to finally see the goddamn light?"

"He asked me to marry him," she said over me, "and I said yes. He didn't hurt me, alright? This was an actual accident."

I looked at her skeptically, "You said yes?"

"Yes, I did."

"Then you really are so fucking dumb, it's unbelievable."

She snarled, "Fuck you, Pete."

I shook my head, "If you marry him, I'm really going to court and filing for custody, and I'm not joking around. I'll be damned if I let that motherfucker beat on my kids or talk down to them."

"You're being paranoid," she muttered.

"No, I'm being a parent. I'm not going to let that happen, because if you do, I'll take them so fast from you, your head will spin, Naomi."

She shook her head at me, "You're all talk."

"You want me to do it as soon as I leave here? 'Cuz I will, I'm not afraid."

"Just shut up, Pete," Naomi was becoming desperate.

"I don't want to take them from you," I told her softly, "because boys need their moms, and Benji loves you, Naomi, look at 'im; he loves you more than he knows," she began to thread her fingers in his hair, "but if Rob continues to hit you or talk down to you, I won't look away. My sons don't need to pick up his habits or get hurt themselves."

Naomi pressed her head back against her pillows and squeezed her eyes shut, "I just miscarried and I'm in a lot of pain, can you just give me a break? I just..." She began to cry, tears were falling, "I actually...we talked and we wanted this baby. He was really excited," she opened her eyes, "it was an accident, he didn't do it on purpose."

"Was he mad?"

Naomi shut her eyes, ignoring my question. I sighed and sat down; a minute later, Lee returned, "I got some--" he paused, "what happened?"

I clenched my teeth, not answering. Naomi opened her eyes, "I was just telling Pete the good news," she murmured.

He looked at me, then at Naomi, "Oh."

I stood up, "I'm gonna go for a smoke."

I left the room, and hurried towards the elevator. As soon as I was outside, I felt my pockets for my pack of cigarettes. I lit up one and took the deepest drag; trying to push all that shit out of my head.

It was more than 20 minutes and 2 cigarettes before I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked to my right and saw Lee; "I'm gonna take you home, lets go."

I didn't object. Lee has this way of speaking that makes you do what he says once. He seems powerful, he looks powerful; he may have graying hair, but he ain't weak. He's a lot taller than me, stronger; he intimidates me, even if I don't show it. I've always liked him, he doesn't fuck around.

"I know what you're thinking," Lee murmured once we were on the road.

"What am I thinking?" I grumbled angrily.

"She's making a mistake."

"You can say that again."

"She's an adult, Pete--"

I cut him off, "You don't even understand," I was ready to tell him all, but I caught myself. Naomi's tearful eyes and pleads were rushing through my mind. "...it's hard to explain."

"You still have feelings for my kid, I know," he said with a smirk, "it's written all over your face."

"You don't get it," I muttered, adverting my eyes out the window.

"No, I get it."

"No, you don't, Lee," I scoffed.

"Well," I felt his eyes wonder over, "help me understand. I want this to work out between you and my kid because you guys have children together."

I shook my head, "Never mind," I said, "it's jealousy. You're right. Just forget it."

"Pete, you can't just make me forget it when you bring something like that up."

I looked at him, "It's nothing, Mr. V...forget about it."

He looked over at me once, blinked and then looked at the road, "You can tell me...you know, I don't hate you...all that much."

"For real, it's nothing," I looked back out the window, "I'm just...being arrogant, ignorant."

He sighed, "Okay. Fine."

The rest of the ride to my folks was silent. He dropped me off without a word and I went up the porch, sat on the steps and lit another cigarette. My head was empty, I smoked without a real thought until the door opened behind me. I didn't look back.

"Do you want cancer?" My mom asked shortly.

"Maybe."

"You're not 16 anymore, you don't have to answer me with sass."

My mom shut the door and stepped around to sit beside me. I expelled smoke away from her.

"What's wrong?" She asked me.

"Nothing," I answered, sucking on my cigarette.

"Not nothing when you're outside smoking a cigarette. Where's Benji?"

"With Naomi; Lee let him stay at the hospital with her...I think he went back, he just dropped me off."

"Why didn't you stay?"

"I couldn't," I snubbed out my cigarette, "I want to shake her."

"Why?"

"She said he pushed her by accident," I mumbled, "he asked her to marry him."

"Is that why you're so upset?"

"Yes. She's going to marry someone who beats her. If she really does, I swear I'll take Lewis and Benny away from her."

My mom sighed, "I wouldn't stop you...that's a smart and responsible thing to do."

"If you can see it, why can't she?"

"She thinks she's in love. Why haven't you told Lee?"

"I couldn't do that to her. I hate what's happening, but I love Naomi too much to just tell her old man. I think he'd kill Rob."

"This is so messy."

"I'm through with trying to help her; I'm only looking out for my boys now," I licked over my lips, "Lewy is suffering, he's afraid of being at school because no one's at home to protect her. What kind of shit is that, mom? He's 5 years old!"

"Do you want me to talk to her?" I looked over at my mom.

"I dunno...I don't think there's any getting through to her. You can try, but I doubt it'll work."

"I won't bring Lee or Amy into this, I'll just say it's mother's intuition that I suspect something's going on."

"Go for it, ma, I'm not stopping you."

My mom patted my back, "Come inside, you look like hell."

I laughed, got up, helping her up and together we went inside.