Without You, I'm Just Me

I had been lied to. There wasn't a baby. I was only told after our wedding, a month or so after. Around the time she would've been 5 months along. I questioned Ashlee about it because she wasn't showing.

She said, "I lied...I wanted to keep you around."

And what did I do? I said, "Oh...why?"

"Because I love you, Pete. I'm in love with you," she explained, her eyes watering with tears, "I can't imagine anyone else I wanna be with."

And I took it as that.

Why? Well, for the simple fact was, who else would want me? Sure, plenty of girls, but I was married, and I wasn't about to just divorce Ashlee because of her lie. It had already stopped me from ever getting back with Naomi, but I had a snow ball's chance in hell getting Naomi back. I slept with her friend, I've cheated on her, and I wasn't the best kind of guy to someone I considered my soulmate.

Naomi was happy, now. After I had gotten married, she became famous and she was happily with Rob. She smiled genuinely, widely, and you could see it was all pure. Naomi was traveling, she had our sons, she had Hemy, she was doing it all on her own and she was happy. People love her, people admire and adore her, and I can't deny that that made me happy, too.

So, despite the torn up feelings I had, I was a little happy for Naomi, and I mean that in the most honest way possible. I may've felt like shit, but there was a bit of sunshine in my veins that was for Naomi and her happiness.

But, I was also consumed with jealousy. Naomi on red carpets and events with Rob, holding his hand. She would kiss him and do all the things we used to do; I can't blame her.

I saw them in gossip magazines, shopping and attending events. They were the "It" couple for awhile, and it was nothing but hurt and jealousy for me. What killed the most was seeing Naomi with our sons and Rob, all out together like some perfect family. I always said, to myself, that it should've been me. But, you know, I didn't deserve even a fraction of it.

When the guys and I decided to take a break, the jealousy really overrode me. I would constantly look up and search pictures of them together. I was looking for a flaw, a way to break them up without actually breaking them up. Hell, I couldn't find one. They were perfect together.

It wasn't as if I could call Naomi up and just talk about things. I couldn't tell her how I was feeling, because we didn't have that type of relationship anymore. When we talked, it was about one or both of our sons.

After I had gotten married, I didn't talk or see my sons until Christmas that year. I had actually called Naomi because I couldn't sleep and I was, of course, thinking about her while lying in my hotel room with Ashlee inches away from me.

She might as well been miles because I felt no connection to her. Her breathing was like nothing, a sound that faded in the air; her warm body was reminiscent of Hemingway lying there. It wasn't the same as when Naomi lying beside me.

I picked up my cell and exited the room, and sat down in the hall. The phone rang and rang for about a minute until she answered; I had completely forgotten it was 4AM. I was falling into hold habits; insomniac with nowhere to go and nobody to see.

I got my hopes up when I heard a faint and tired voice; "Hello?"

"Sorry, I woke you up, didn't I?" I mumbled, stuttering a little.

"Who is this?" Her voice was groggy now.

"It's me, Navy," I said quickly, "Pete."

She was silent a moment, "The kids are asleep, do you know what time it is?"

"I lost track of time, I'm sorry," I said earnestly.

She sighed, "Why'd you call anyway?"

I could hear her moving, "I don't know."

"It's been months since you've called. You owe Lewis some birthday gifts, you know."

"Yeah," I said shamefully, "I've been busy."

Again, she was quiet, I heard her getting something from a cabinet, "I'm not even gonna give you a speech, because you know better."

"Sorry isn't gonna help, is it?"

"No," she said shortly, "Your mom said you're in town, why haven't you been by to see them?"

"I got in like 4 hours ago. I'm jet-lagged."

"We've all been there, but we suffice and actually give time to our children."

I held my tongue, I knew she was right.

"Yeah, I'm sorry."

"You're coming to see them in a few hours, right?" Naomi shot back quick.

"Yeah, of course."

"They'll be at your mom's, I have an appointment and I have to pick up their presents from Ricky's," she said this all absentmindedly.

In that moment, I contemplated on spilling my guts. I wanted to tell her what a major mistake I made and how fucking sorry I was. I wanted her to know that I love her and that I would crawl through broken shards of glass, on hands and knees, just to make her understand.

It wouldn't matter, she didn't care about me like that anymore.

"I'll spend the entire day with them," I replied, "I got their presents here, I'm gonna take them to mom's."

"Okay. They'll be happy to see you, Pete. Lewy used to talk nonstop about seeing you."

I had pressed the back of my head against the wall. I was such an idiot for ignoring them. Especially Lewis; he was just as Naomi was; he only wanted me and nothing else.

"I can't wait," I felt choked up, "He ain't mad is he?"

"He was for a little bit, but not so much. He stopped asking for you awhile ago, but I'm sure he'll be over the moon when he sees you."

I shut my eyes, "Are you mad at me?"

"Not mad, very disappointed, Pete, there's a big difference."

I sighed and hung my head now; my eyes opened to the square designs in the carpet between my legs, "Sorry's not cutting it...I'll make it up to them."

"They're not gonna hold their breaths, Pete."

"Yeah, I know, but I'm serious."

She sighed, "Sure, Pete. Get some sleep."

With that, she hung up, and that was that. I spent Christmas with my sons, my family and Ashlee. It wasn't ideal, but hell, I got to see how much my boys had grown. Lewy's hair was lighter, like golden brown just like Naomi's, and Benji's was dark, almost black, like mine. Benji could walk on his own and say a few words, but never complete sentences; Lewy was learning to tell me jokes and I relished in it.

My kids had grown up, just a bit, and I regretted the last 8 months I had been without them.

It was plain as day, as soon as Lewy met Ashlee, he didn't like her. He had frowned at her and ran away when she had knelt down to talk to him. Benji just waved at her and went on his way, playing with his new toys.

I explained that Lewy would warm up to her, but in all seriousness, I didn't care if he liked her or not. For one, it wouldn't be easy explaining to a 3 year old that I was married to this woman and he needed to be nice. I knew that when he got older, he'd get over it.

Lewy spent that morning and afternoon ignoring Ashlee, and essentially me, when she was with me. I had started to feel bad, but I knew it would take time. Even I had to learn to love and accept Ashlee as my wife.

After Christmas, I didn't talk or see Naomi; Naomi and me didn't talk until March, for Benji's birthday. She was in LA, doing a guest shot on America's Next Top Model; she was a guest judge for a couple of episodes, and she brought the boys with her. I hadn't known until she called me; she called me, and I was shocked.

Naomi explained her guest shot first, and then said, "Benji asked to see you since I was coming to LA. I brought them both so you could spend some time with them."

I was overjoyed. I was feeling lonely without my band, without my kids. The loneliness would've only gotten worse if Naomi hadn't of brought them.

"Where do you want me to meet you?" I asked her excitedly.

"Rob's brother's house in Hollywood," she gave me the address, "We're gonna be staying there for the next 3 weeks while Jason is gone."

I cleared my throat then, "They can stay with me and Ashlee--"

She cut me off, "Lewy doesn't want to, I already asked him."

"How come?"

"I don't know," she said genuinely, "I told him that you'd be there, but he said he'd rather stay at Jason's," she paused, "I think it's because he has a go-kart in his backyard."

I sighed, "Uh, okay, I guess that's okay, as long as I get to see them."

"Yep," she said happily, "We're pulling up now, so you can come whenever."

"I'll be over in half an hour."

On the drive over, I heard on the radio that Naomi would be a guest the next day. I was surprised to hear that, yet, as I drove down sunset boulevard, I saw her posing in a window of the H&M store. I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was, but seeing her around town, everywhere, never failed to surprise me.