Without You, I'm Just Me

I went to pick Lewis up at 12:30; Lee had called and told me they were keeping Naomi overnight. My mom had gone out just before me, so I had to borrow my dad's car. When I picked Lewy up, he was happy, smiling brightly and rushing to me; "Daddy, look what I learned to make!"

"Lemme see," he showed me a paper bag with glued on cut out bear pictures. "That's awesome, buddy! Can I have it?"

He nodded, "Yeah, I drew mommy a picture. Is she home?"

"Nah," I set him on his feet and took ahold of his hand, "but we can go see her if you want?"

"Is Robert there?"

"I dunno. Want me to call your grandpa?"

"Uh-huh. Where's Benny?"

"I think he's with grandpa."

I put Lewy in the car, in his booster seat, buckled him up and began to drive. I called Lee, learning he did have Benji and that Naomi was at the hospital by herself. I thanked him and told him I was taking Lewy to see her.

We hung up; "Ay, Lew, we're gonna go see your mom."

"Okay," he hummed, "is she okay, daddy?"

"She's good, Lew, I promise. She's getting better."

"Good," I saw him smile in the rearview, "hey, daddy, are you famous?"

I laughed, "Why?"

"Cuz that's what my friend Bobby says. Are you?"

"A little," I shrugged, "I'm not as famous as your mom."

"Really?!"

I laughed, "No, we're equal. Your mom is better at being famous than I am."

"How?"

"People don't follow her around."

He giggled, "Oh."

Lewy was quiet the rest of the ride. Once we arrived, I got him out and gave him his backpack. He held my hand and we walked inside the hospital; I was leading him towards the elevator, but he stopped me; "Daddy, look."

Lewy was pointing towards the gift shop, "What?"

"Can we get mommy some flowers? She likes flowers."

I exhaled softly, "Sure...she'll like 'em."

Lewy let go of my hand and booked it to the small gift shop. There was no one inside but me and him; he was in awe at all the gifts and novelties. He finally found flowers and smelt them, "These," he pointed to a small bouquet of roses, "mommy likes these. They smell good."

I grabbed them and went to the counter; Lewy eyed some candy, grabbing a chocolate bar, "Daddy," he waved it up at me, "this too."

I chuckled, "Alright, don't let your mom see."

The woman at the register smiled at me, ringing up the flowers and candy. After I paid, we got in the elevator, straight up to the floor Naomi was on. We exited once the doors opened and began to head to her room; Lewy held the flowers, humming.

We got to her room and just as we were about to walk in, my mom was coming out. I was surprised to see her; I didn't know she was gonna actually talk to her.

"What're you doin' here?" I asked her.

"Visiting," my mom said softly. Her eyes wondered down, "Oh, Lewis, hey honey!"

"Hi gramma," he said, then he whispered, "look-it what we got mommy."

My mom smiled, "That's very thoughtful of you, she'll love them."

"I drew a picture for her too."

"Did you have fun at school?"

"Yeah, lots! I missed mommy though."

My mom nodded, "She missed you too. Go in and see her; I'll see you later, honey."

"'Kay. Bye gramma," Lewy let my hand go and hurried into the room.

"Bye sweetie," my mom looked at me, "I talked to her...I don't know if it worked, but at least I tried."

"Thanks ma."

"No need to thank me," my mom kissed my cheek, "I'll see you tonight."

"Yeah, I'll bring the boys over."

She was off; I lingered just outside the door before actually going in. Naomi was speaking sweetly to Lewy, awing over his drawings. Lewy began to explain his day to her, I went in and sat beside the bed; Lewy was on the bed beside her.

"Mommy likes them," he said, "toldja."

"Yeah, great idea, Lew."

Naomi didn't look at me, she was looking at the pictures he drew on her lap. I was eager to ask what my mom had said; it took 10 minutes before Lewy announced that he had to pee before I was able to get a chance. I took off his sweater and opened the bathroom door for him.

I looked over at Naomi, opening my mouth, but she beat me to the punch; "You win."

I raised a brow, "What?"

"Thanks for ratting me out by the way," she didn't look at me, her eyes were on the pictures, "had to get your mom to break me?"

"I didn't make her come here," I said, "she offered and I told her good luck. And what do you mean by "you win?""

Her jaw set, she finally looked at me, "I'm gonna talk to Rob and tell him to go back to New York."

"And?"

"What?"

"You still gonna marry him?"

"No. Why do you even care? Oh-," she began sarcastically, "that's right; You'll take the kids that I've been raising for 5 years, by myself, away from me."

"It's the only way to protect them."

"Yeah, whatever, Pete," she mumbled, "it's over, you win, I'll fuckin' be by myself. Maybe I'll call Mia and my publicist to get some jobs. I had to reschedule the Sports Illustrated spread," she inhaled slowly, "this rib thing kills."

"You act like you're gonna be miserable without him," I said.

She shrugged, "Doesn't really matter; I'm miserable with him, miserable without him. I don't really think I know how to feel happy, except when Benji or Lewy do something sweet or funny."

The toilet flushed and the bathroom door opened. Lewy came out, "Help me wash my hands," he told me.

I followed him into the bathroom, turning on the faucet, lifting him so he could rinse his hands. I set him down, gave him a paper towel and let him rush out. He was back on the bed with Naomi; "When're you coming home?"

"Tomorrow afternoon, bub," she answered, "But, we're gonna be staying at papa's for a bit...he's gonna take you to school in the morning and your dad is gonna pick you up."

"How come we can't go home?"

"Well...bub, I can't really move on my own, so I'm gonna need help. I hurt myself really bad yesterday."

"Did Robert push you?" He asked quickly.

Naomi nodded, "Yeah, it was an accident. And, I don't think me and Robert are gonna be together anymore," I saw her getting choked up.

"Cuz he pushed ya?"

Naomi swallowed and nodded, "Yeah."

"You don't love him no more?"

She nodded, "I love Robert a lot, bubba, but...it's just things aren't working out all that well."

"Is he mad?"

"He doesn't know yet, but I'm gonna talk to him. He's probably gonna move out, and it'll be just us."

He looked surprised, "Me, you and Benny?"

"Uh-huh, just the 3 of us...like before. When I get better, I'm gonna go to New York for a job, do you wanna go?"

He nodded, "Yeah."

She smiled, "Great. We'll leave on a Friday, after you finish school, and go for the whole weekend. I'll even take you and Benji to that big toy store with the piano, remember that?"

He grinned, "Yes!"

"We'll go nuts," she smiled, "and we'll stay at one of those fancy hotels, like last time."

I wasn't sure what I was witnessing. Naomi looked happy, but her eyes said differently. I didn't question it; I just sat down and listened to the 2 of them make plans.


I went home after visiting Naomi for a bit; she had to rest. I picked Benji up from Lee's and we hing out at my folks. The kids were off in the living room, playing. I went into the dining room, where my mom was at the table paying bills. I hadn't had time to ask her what happened, but once Benji woke up and Lewy decided to play with him, I was free.

"Ma?" I went in, sitting across from her, "What did you say to her?"

"Who?" She asked, raising her brow.

"Naomi. She changed her mind, she's leaving him."

My mom tweaked her lips, "I just told her to choose between Robert and the boys, then I told her all she'll have left is Robert if she stayed with him and you took the boys," she sighed, "she cried and begged me not to tell her father. Then, she said she already made a decision, and then I left."

"That's it?"

My mom hummed, "Yes. I told her she'd be very lonely once the boys were gone. I guess that's what changed her mind."

"Thanks, mom, really."

"Now," she gave me a stern look, "what are you gonna do when you get back to LA?"

I tugged at my bottom lip, "Talk to Ash and tell her that I'm done."

"Can you be less of a prick about it, son?"

I chuckled, "Yeah, ma. I got 6 days to rehearse."

"Don't do anything irrational."

"I'm not, why would you think that?"

"I'm just saying...things can get out of hand."

I just smiled, "We're gonna talk and go from there. I might move back here...whadda think?"

Her brows rose, "Really?"

"Yeah."

She smiled, "I would love if you can home; we miss you around here, especially the boys."

I gave a nod, "Thats who I'm doing it for."

"Take your time, just talk it out with Ashlee."

"I am, ma. Trust me."

"I trust you, I just worry about you."

"I think I have it under control."

My mom gave me a weary look, "You think?"

"Yes. I have a feeling I'll get through it okay."

She patted my arm, "I hope so."


I took Lewy to school the next morning, while Benji stayed at home, sleeping. Lewy was tired, still munching on the muffin my mom gave him. Once we arrived, he took my hand and led the way to his classroom; he stopped me at the door, "Can I go with you to pick up mommy?"

"I think grandpa's picking her up," I told him, "you can go with him, alright? Want me to tell him to pick you up?"

He nodded, "Yeah."

"I'll see you later, bud," I ruffled his hair, "have fun."

Lewy set his backpack in his cubby and took off. I watch him hurry over to his friends; it made me feel better about telling my mom and the decision I was finally making. I wanted to come back; I needed to, because my kids needed me more than Ashlee did. If I didn't want to fuck anyone over, if I had to choose, I wouldn't, but I was hurting someone if I didn't. I had to pick Lewis and Benji over Ashlee, because they need me; and in a way, I need them, too.