Without You, I'm Just Me

I was at home, lying in my bed beside Benji when my phone rang. I felt too tired to talk to anyone, it was more so fatigue. I hadn't really talked to any of my friends in awhile.

"Daddy, turn it off!" Benji grumbled sleepily.

I grabbed my phone and answered it, "Hello?"

"Hi," it was Ashlee, "what're you doing? I haven't talked to you in forever."

I sighed, "Uh, I'm watching Benji...he's starting school tomorrow."

"I thought he started on Monday?"

"No, that's Lewis. Benji's 3."

"Oh, sorry," she giggled, "I miss you."

I rubbed my eyes, "I miss you, too. How's work?"

"It's okay..." She trailed, "Pete, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you don't seem all that upset that we haven't talked in days."

"There's a lot of shit going on here," I told her, "I'm sorry, Ash, really."

"It's like we're drifting apart."

I had to response to that.

"What's really going on?" She questioned.

"I don't know...I'd rather talk to you when I get home on Saturday."

"What about? Whatever it is we can talk about it on the phone."

"No," I said shortly, "we can't. I'd rather speak face to face."

"Well, is it about Naomi? I heard she had an accident and she's being pushed onto next months Sports Illustrated."

"Yeah, she cracked a rib, but she's fine...she's gotta stay off her feet. She's actually at the hospital, so I've been with the kids."

"Are you sure you're coming home on Saturday?"

"Yeah, I am. Her dad's gonna take care of everything. I have some gigs next weekend, so I have to come home."

"Okay. Well...I'll see you soon. I love you."

I held in a sigh, "Love you, too."

I hung up with Ashlee and put my phone in vibrate, I set it aside and shut my eyes. Benji nuzzled his face into my side, "I'm cold, gimme blankets."

I smiled and pulled the blanket up over him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, "Better?"

"Yes."

I looked down at him, seeing him shove his thumb into his mouth. It was eerie how much he resembled me; I thought about what my mom had said, that Benji is Naomi's favorite because he looked like me. It made me laugh at the thought; I'm sure Naomi wasn't favoring Benji based off his looks, but I couldn't help but to think about it. If it were true, hell, we needed to reconcile, and we needed to get back together. I'm not pushing it, I would gladly just be there for her, I wanted it to be like before, like when we were just friends.

I can't imagine just being friends with her, back when we were together. Before having Lewis, and just being friends; it's a weird concept. I always wanted to be with her; if we never had kids and never kissed, I don't think my life would have felt right at all. Now, it felt good being attached to her, having kids with her. In the end, I knew that there'd be another time where we'd come together and turn shit around.

I felt my neck; I hadn't worn my necklace in years. It was hidden away in my footlocker; when Benji was a year old, I put it in there for good. Naomi still wore her's from time to time; I had seen her in a few shoots wearing it. I don't even know if she wore it recently, or if she still had it. I could only imagine that her boyfriend made her put it away. I'm sure just the store behind it made him sick.

I hope so.


I took Benji over to Naomi's parents house after 1. He woke up, ate and then I drove him over. Lee opened the door and let us in; Benji rush in and Lee picked him up, "Where is my mommy?" He demanded.

Lee chuckled, "Her old room, little guy. Be careful, she's still a little sick."

Benji nodded as Lee set him down; he ran off, leaving me there. I looked to Lee, shutting the door behind me, "How is she?"

"She's okay, but you know Naomi; she wants to get up and clean."

"Can she get up?"

"She can, it's just she shouldn't strain herself, and you know her."

I nodded, "Yeah, she'll wanna run around. How's Lew?"

"He's happy, but to be honest, I think it's because Naomi broke up with Rob. Do you know what that's about?"

I shook my head, "Nah, I don't."

Lee shrugged, "Well, anyway, she told me they're taking a break and that she needs time to think about things. To be honest, I think it's all moving too fast for her."

"What, the proposal and the whole...miscarriage thing?"

He nodded, "Yeah, I think that's it. I told her whatever makes her happy," he clasped his hands, "tomorrow, Benji starts school, and both of them get out at the same time, can you pick them up? I have to go to Peoria for a job, and Amy'll be at work."

"Sure, you don't have to ask."

"Thanks," he patted my arm, "you can go check up on them."

I left Lee and went off to Naomi's room. I could hear the kids talking in their funny language, then Naomi got in on it. My eyes grew wide, "What the heck?"

They looked up at me, "Hey dad!" Lewy waved.

"What're you guys speaking?"

Naomi laughed, "We made up a language. Actually, Benji made it up, what's it called, baby?"

He shrugged, "I dunno."

I went over and sat on the edge of the bed; Naomi was lying back a little while Benji laid across her lap. Lewy was lying on his stomach, giggling still.

"Want me to teach you? I taught mommy," Lewy said.

"Nah, it's cool."

Naomi slightly raised her brow at me, "We were talking about school, and now we have to talk in English since you're here...ruining everything," she joked.

"I'm so sorry," I lifted my palms defensively.

She smiled, "It's cool...I was kinda lost at what we were talking about, really. Benji and Lewy on fluent in...Benjamin-ism."

I hummed, "And he just made it up?"

"Yeah, I guess so. He and Lew are the only ones who understand...they're like twins."

Benji grinned at me, "Papa says Ima genius!"

"You are, little dude."

"I'm the smartest," he teased, sticking his tongue out.

"Are you ready for school tomorrow?" I asked him.

He sat up and nodded, "Yep! I wanna see my friends!"

"I'm going tomorrow," Naomi said, "and you better not rat me out."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going with you to pick them up since my dad will be gone."

"You can't."

"Yes I can, I'm not broken," she frowned, "and you can't make me stay here by myself."

"Your dad will kill me," I told her.

"No he won't. I want to go and I am and that's final. If you don't pick me up, Pete, I'll never speak to you again."

Lewy giggled and Benji gave me a serious look. I sighed, "Fine."

Naomi smiled, "Thank you."

"Yeah, he better yell at you if we get caught."

"We won't get caught, geez," she waved her hand off at me, "don't be such a pansy, Wentz."

I could feel my heart aching for her. I bit at my lip, "Alright, Navy, you win."

I saw her smirk, "Again, thank you."

"Yeah, sure."

Lewy make a gagging noise, "Gross. Are you guys doing gonna kiss now?"

I laughed, "No, bud. I'm just saying you're welcome to her."

"It was like the movies," he grimaced, "no kisses here!"

"No kisses," Naomi said, "besides, your old man is married, remember?"

"To that wicked witch," Lewy added.

"Hey!" Naomi scolded, "Daddy loves her, so you shouldn't say mean things about Ashlee."

Lewy looked at me, "Sorry."

I patted his shoulder, "It's okay, Lew. Speaking of witch," Benji laughed at my lame joke, "I have to go and call her. Plus, grandma is expecting me to help cook; I'll see you guys tomorrow morning," I stood up, "take care of your mom."

"We will!" Benji said, "Bye-bye, daddy!"

I leaned over and kissed the top of his head. I hugged Lewy; "I'll see ya, buddy."

"Bye dad."

I waved to Naomi, who winked, "Bye Peter."

Again, my heart was tight with ache.


Another night full of dreams about Naomi. I rolled over and woke myself up. I hated those dreams, they were constant reminders of what I didn't have.

I only want what I can't have.

I sat up and took a minute to father my surroundings. I was at my folks house; the empty double bed with clothes on top. It brought me back to when I was just a teenager and before I was in Fall Out Boy, or any other band. Then I remembered when I was just starting out with them and with Naomi and all the problems I had. That's all I seem to think about.

Naomi had been my constant, along with the drugs and the parties and the music. I got up and looked out my window; when they lived next door, I could see Naomi's room right across from mine, but it was further off to the right. I used to hop onto the roof and sink into her room; when she wasn't there, I would read her notebooks and all the stuff she wrote about me and her dad. I used to steal the one liners in there that I thought were brilliant. If they still lived there, I think I would sneak over; but I'm sure Naomi wouldn't be there and Abbey would have her bedroom.

I went to my suitcase and ripped open the top and searched for my anti-life pills and took a few, dry swallowing them. This isn't an attempt to take my life, just to help me feel something other than nostalgia. The "missing you" feelings of yesterday; the days I slept on floors of grenade's homes and then going days without baths and substituting a dip in the motel pools as bathing. When I would go over my minutes calling Naomi, or searching the van ashtray for quarters and dimes to call her on a broken pay phone. Even though I was all fucked up then, I miss those days, because I was young and Naomi had been all mine.

If I had known then what I know now, things would be a whole lot different. I would've married her as soon as my advance check of $2500 cleared from Fueled By Ramen. I would've bought her a ring, took her to with me to California and gotten married in some crappy chapel. If I had known, my 4th of the money I got for Cork Tree would've gone to planning a real wedding for her. Anything to keep her beside me; but it's more wishful thinking than anything.