Without You, I'm Just Me

I don't know how messed up I was by the time I got to Naomi's parents house, but I was really messed up. I don't even remember driving, I don't remember going to the door. I sure as hell don't remember being put on the couch.

I faintly recalled Lee yelling at me to sober up, that he had to work. I was pretty much better hours later when my mom had woken me up. I didn't remember, I was confused as to where I was; "Pete, what's going on? What did you take?"

I blinked rapidly, "What time is it? Where am I?"

"It's 10:30," I heard Naomi's voice, "you're at my folks'."

I rubbed my eyes, "Shit, how did I get here?"

"You drove," my mom snapped at me, "what the hell are you doing? What're you thinking, Pete?"

I sighed, "I'm sorry...I took something...I was having a panic attack this morning. I didn't...I'm sorry mom, I swear, I..." I saw she was tearing up and I instantly felt like an asshole.

"Get up," she ordered me, "I'm taking you home. How are you?"

"I'm tired. Mom, I didn't know--"

"Pete, it's not okay, because I was scared out of my mind. You don't know what you were doing?"

"No," I shook my head; my hands rubbed down my face, I tried to remember. "Did I do anything stupid?"

Naomi stood by, stand and breathing shortly, "No. My dad took the boys to school; you were out of it this morning."

"I'm going to pick them up," my mom said, "c'mon, lets get you home and get some food in you. You need anything, Naomi?"

"No, I'm alright, Mrs. Wentz. I can cook."

She shook her head, "No, no, no, you're coming home with me too. I'll cook and put you in Pete's bed. Don't worry, I've cleaned the sheets."

Naomi smiled, "I know there'll be no way to tell you no."

"C'mon, honey, get dressed."

Naomi slowly walked back to her room; my mom looked at me, "How many pills did you take?"

"I can't remember," I was lying, "I was just...I was having a freak out."

"You scared me and your dad, you know that? Lee told me the boys were asleep, so they didn't see you like this. Tell me what you were thinking?"

"I was thinking that I needed to calm down and I had to pick up my kids. I'm sorry, I didn't know...I was just tryna help myself."

She frowned, lips pouting, "Put your shoes on and lets go."

I did as my mom said; Naomi came out with her bag, which I immediately took from her; "Thanks," she said, "it's kinda heavy."

"Thought they told you not to strain yourself?"

"I never listen," she replied, "you know that."

"You should," I told her, "stubborn as hell."

"Hey, your ass is just as stubborn as myself."

I smiled, "Yeah, I know."

She slugged my shoulder, "Lets go, idiot."


I was really sober over an hour later; Naomi was up in my room, watching TV, while my mom tended to her. I was trying not to bother her too much, so I strayed down into the basement, checking out my old clothes.

Really, I was just busying myself. I wanted to talk to her, but I wasn't sure what to say. We hadn't had things in common in a long time, besides, who wants to talk about Rob again?

I wasn't down in the basement long; my mom called me upstairs. I met her at the top of the landing, "Yeah?"

"Are you sober?"

I raised a brow, "Uh, yeah. Why?"

She dangled her keys in my face, "It's almost 12:45, go pick up your kids. Naomi is waiting for you by the door."

"Okay," I was slightly confused, "you sure?"

"I asked if you were sober, and I'm givin' you the keys, Pete."

I smiled, taking the keys, "Thanks."

"Hurry up, I wanna see my favorite boys."

I went out towards the front door and found Naomi with one of my hoodies on, pulling her hair to one side. I was surprised to see she was wearing her necklace, but I didn't say anything. I opened the door, let her out first, and followed behind her.

In the car, she sat back, and put her seatbelt on; doing the same, I started the drive to Harper Grade School. Naomi started to fiddle with the radio, finding a station she liked, then she said, "Why are you avoiding me?"

I glanced over at her, "What? I'm not avoiding you."

Upon finding a station, she sat back, "Yes you are. What was so interesting down in the basement?"

I laughed, "Shit."

"Uh-huh, I knew it. What's wrong, you shy now?"

Again, I laughed, "Nah, it's not that..."

"Then?"

"What is there to talk about?"

"Well, what did we talk about before we had kids, Peter? Why would you sneak into my bedroom?" She teased.

"Fuck if I remember."

"You're a jerk," Naomi giggled softly.

"I didn't want to bother you."

"How?"

"Ya'know, you're in pain and I don't think you wanna be around me."

"How would you know? Maybe I do want you around; you used to be my best friend, remember?"

I glanced at her again and saw her looking down. I sighed, "Sorry."

"I told you about the "s" word, Pete."

"My bad, then," I griped, "geez."

"It's whatever, Wentz."

I stopped at a red light and looked over at her; I saw the necklace there, under here top, beneath my red hoodie; "You still wear the necklace?"

Naomi looked down and then her hand come up and pulled it out, "Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

"I dunno...I just figured you wouldn't."

"I love it, plus it's awesome to see in photos."

"Uh..." I tried to find the words to say, or ask about Rob.

"If I think what I think you're gonna say then; yes, Rob has seen it and thought it was utterly ridiculous that I wear a cheap gold plated broken heart necklace given to me by my baby daddy," Naomi smiled, "laughing hurts."

"That was random."

"What? The laugh thing or the baby daddy thing?"

"Both."

"Green light," she pointed forward.

"That too," I said as I pressed on the gas.

"It hurts to laugh hard, so I'm reduced to smiling and holding in giggles," she exhaled slowly, "yawning is such a bitch, too."

"Did the doc say when you'll be better?"

"4 to 8 weeks," she said with a frown, "6 weeks at the most, which sucks because I hate sitting on my ass not being able to jump around with my boys."

"Sorry, Naomi."

"It's fine..." She sighed, "I have a job in 4 weeks, so I'll be a little better to actually have my photo taken and walk around with Lewy and Benji."

"Can I ask what Rob thinks?"

"Why? I don't ask about your wife, why're you so interested in my boyfriend for?"

"I'm...you know I care about you, Naomi."

"Then why didn't you marry me?" She asked with this disdain look on her face; I had glanced at her every so often, and that expression stayed on her face.

"You know I wanted to," was all I could say.

"Sure," she mumbled.

"Whadda want me to say, Naomi?"

"Nothing," she breathed, "this is a discussion we've already had and having it again won't change a thing. Really, what I wanna know is, why did I get the short end of the stick?"

"What?"

"How and why did I end up losing the only job I wanted and worked 4 years towards, lost the only person I wanted to be with and end up making ends meet in my underwear? Lets not forget, I fall for a total babe who is so controlling and protective that you don't like, causing you to end up threatening to take the only 2 people I would die for away from me. Why me, huh?"

"Naomi--"

"Shut up, I'm talking," she muttered. "You, you of all people, who has left me alone with 2 kids, being mommy and daddy to them; you get to marry some damn star and have no worries, except what you're gonna order at Starbucks in the morning."

"Look, I know--"

"Pete, you don't know shit," she scoffed, "I may not have it hard, but there's a fucking limit. What the hell did I do so wrong that I end up not having a tiny bit of happiness, aside from my kids?"

I parked in the parking lot of the school, looking at Naomi as she glared at me with glossy eyes.

"I just want to be happy, that's it, but I can't. Do you know what I think about everyday when I'm by myself?"

"Naomi, I--"

She put her hand up, "I think about you screwing Kate. I think about all the girls you favored over me and it makes me wonder if I really am that unpleasant and hard to like or love. Even Robert had his doubts, and I wonder what it is about me."

"There's nothing wrong with you," I said.

"Yes there is. Seth saw it, you saw it, and Rob got to. He got so mad when I told him what you said...he called me a bitch and that I was spineless and that I am unloveable," her voice hitched, "I could've gone the rest of my life not hearing that from him."

"He's just a prick--"

"Fuck you," Naomi grumbled, "you're the prick."

"I know I was such a fucking asshole years ago and I know saying sorry and telling you how fucked up I was won't help, but I never meant to hurt you, Naomi, I swear. If I could go back and not do it, I wouldn't."

"I wish Eric hadn't have told me. I would have been better off not knowing about you and her; Babette would still be my friend, instead, she gives me dirty looks whenever we see each other. I would actually have one true girl friend; now I have Ricky, who is going through a tough time with his family," she inhaled softly and looked at her watch, "more than often though, I wish I hadn't have moved here...I'd be married to some meathead, but I think that's better than knowing Kate and you and being a single mother," she opened the car door, "I'll get them."

Naomi got out the car and began to walk into the school; the bell rang just after. I pressed my forehead to the steering wheel, feeling like shit. I didn't want her to feel that way, and I didn't want her to be right.

I got out the car and followed after her; I went to pick up Lewy, when I spotted her going towards the pre-k classrooms. I hurried to his class and found him getting his backpack; "Hi daddy," Lewy said, "were you sick?"

"This morning?" I asked him.

"Uh-huh. Papa said you was sick."

"Yeah," I took his hand, "I was a little sick, buddy, but I'm better. Guess who's here with me."

"Who?"

"Mommy. She went to get Benji."

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's just fine," I told him.

We found Naomi and Benji among the hordes of little kids coming out. She raised her brows when she saw me, but nonetheless came over, holding Benji's hand and took Lewy's from mine, "How was school, bubba?"

"I was the goose today," he said excitedly, "I chased Bobby around the circle and we gots dizzy."

Naomi laughed softly, she and the kids walking ahead of me; "Did you catch him?"

"Yeah!"

We got to the car, and I put the kids in for her; I buckled them in while she climbed up front. I could see she was holding that anger back, opting to be sweet and happy in front of the boys. I couldn't even argue with it; I didn't want to argue period because I wouldn't win anything.

Never mind her relationship, Naomi is always right. I have nothing to back up what I've said and done. I needed to just quit while I was ahead.