Without You, I'm Just Me

I am a coward. I'm afraid of doing the simplest thing to make myself happy. Getting home to LA, I found no reason to divorce Ashlee right away.

She was happy with me and I was semi-happy too. I spent most of the time burying myself in anti-anxiety meds, again, and going out nearly every night. I spent days with friends, not talking to anyone outside my circle. I didn't talk to my kids, my family -not even Ashlee. When I came home, she was either gone or asleep, and I would sleep on the couch.

We didn't have sex, we didn't eat with one another. It was like living with a roommate. She would call me and I would let it go to voicemail. My mom would call too, asking me what I was doing and why I haven't talked to my kids in over a month. I couldn't believe I went that long with talking to my family; but I've gone longer without my kids.

Still, I didn't stop. I wanted to put my head as far away from Naomi as I could. As well as Ashlee; because I couldn't stand to see her and know the mistakes I've made. When I was drunk and high, I did absolutely anything to distance myself. I slept around, I never hid it, because I didn't care.

Finally, after 2 and a half months of constant on the go, it was nearly the middle of November, I actually went home. I took a shower, washing the latest conquest off of me. Ashlee was waiting for me in the bedroom, while I undressed, she glared at me.

"Where the hell have you been?" She asked angrily.

I was still a little buzzed, with my shirt off, "Around, you know."

"So, are the rumors true? Are you cheating on me?"

I looked at her, "Yeah, I am," I said bluntly, "I think I cheated on Naomi with you, I think it's kinda like karma, ya'know?"

Her jaw dropped, "I can't believe you!"

"I should've just been honest with you," I muttered, "I'm done. I don't wanna be with you anymore. When you told me you lied about being pregnant, my family told me I should've just annulled the whole thing, but I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt you, but now, I see the only people I've ever hurt and shouldn't have were Naomi, Benny and Lewy."

Her eyes filled with tears and it didn't affect me at all.

"I'm done," I repeated, "we have a pre-nup, so we split everything. I'm not gonna fight you, you can keep whatever you want and you can sell the house, or keep it, whatever. I'm gonna pack my shit, move back to Chicago, probably find an apartment in Roger Park and we'll go our separate ways."

"I can't believe you!" She screamed at me, "You are the biggest--"

"I've heard it before. Don't waste your anger on me," I told her softly, "I'm an asshole, I'm a son of a bitch, I'm worthless, I'm no good," I listed off, "I know, Ash."

The tears rolled down her cheeks; she pushed me and walked away. I could hear her heels clopping down the stairs in a fast rhythm. I didn't feel bad, I felt nothing but relief; I went to the bathroom, threw up and then showered.

Coming down, I finally realized what I did and I can't say I didn't feel any worse than I had earlier. It was over and done with; I actually began looking for places in Wilmette as soon as I could. I then called my mom, who was pissed to the core about my not calling.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" She screamed at me.

"I'm sorry--"

"Now I get why Naomi says sorry is a piss-poor excuse for an apology. You hear it so many times it loses it's meaning!"

"Mom, I'm really sorry. I'm messed up."

My mom grew silent, "What's wrong?"

"I've been partying...since I left. I just broke up with Ash, and she hasn't come back yet," I rambled, "I'm coming back. How is everyone?"

My mom paused, "The boys are great, but they miss you, of course. Naomi is a lot better, she's happier too..." She trailed, "you know, you should've come back sooner."

"Why?" I asked quickly.

"Rob's back and Naomi hasn't been happier."

I hung my head and sighed, "Fuck."

"What did I tell you?"

"I can't control her, mom."

"Well, what're you gonna do now?"

"I'm still coming back," I said, "I just need to fix things over here."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I said, "positively."

"I hope so," she said, "take care of yourself, honey."

"I'll try...I really am sorry, mom."

"I know you are, Pete. We were all worried about you; call us soon."

"I will."

I hung up with my mom and began to pace. I found myself going through my things, packing things, and putting it all downstairs. Our house seemed so big now, I had barely noticed it all before; it seemed like I had too much stuff. I got a lot of personal things packed and made a point to ship them to my parents' house. I was still doing that when Ashlee came back.

She stood in front of me as I tried to go up the stairs. She had papers ready; "How'd you get these so fast?"

"I've had them ready for a week now," she stated, "my mom was hoping I wouldn't need them. Just sign them."

I took them and went off to the kitchen, grabbing a pen from a drawer. I sighed all the places that had been highlighted for me; I slid it back to Ashlee; she was crying again. I sighed, "I'm sorry--"

"No you aren't," she muttered, "you're such an asshole, Pete. I hope I never see you again."

She took the papers and immediately headed out the door. I stood there for awhile, until I finally made myself move. I was again taking my things and packing them away. All my clothes, shoes; valuable things -all of that went in a box and had my parents' address scribbled over the top. I called Bob McLynn to help me mail all of it; I was happy to hear he didn't hate me and actually agreed.

It took me another day to fully come aware to what was going on around me. It was kinda like replaying a car crash, though it wasn't as bad. Ashlee avoided me, she said she wasn't gonna come back to the house until I was gone, and I was hurrying out as fast as I could. All my stuff was packed and on it's way to my parents'. I booked a flight for myself, that left the next day, so I decided to just take it easy and book a room for myself.

Just as I was by myself, in a hotel room, my phone rang. I let it ring a few times before I reached into my pocket and answered. I didn't even look at the ID; "Hello?"

"I need to talk to you," I heard Patrick's tired voice.

"Trick?"

"Yeah, it's me. I need to talk to you, it's urgent."

"I'm at the Hilton--"

"Which one?"

"By the freeway--"

"What's your room number?" He asked next.

"212, by the pool."

He hung up. I could only wonder what the hell was going on now.

I sat on the bed and flipped on the TV. The sounds filled the room; but there was a big void, I could feel it in my chest. My head was hurting, barely making sense to me. My stomach was in knots and I was craving a drink. I didn't move, not until there was a sharp knock on the door.

I got up and went to it, knowing Patrick was on the other side. I opened the door and found my best friend shoving me inside. He slammed the door shut behind him, making his anger known. Even without the door slamming, you could feel the anger radiating off his slim body.

"What the hell?" I asked; it was slow, dumbly spoken.

"Juniper told me," he growled, "she told me how she almost slept with you!"

My eyes went wide, "What?!"

"Don't play dumb! She left me and came back just to tell me that!" Patrick nearly charged at me, he shoved me.

"Patrick, I'm sorry--"

"Sorry doesn't mean shit to me! How could you do that to me?!"

"I was--"

"Fucked up?!" He snapped, "You took advantage of my ex-wife while--"

"Hey! Patrick, I'm sorry! I am, I never meant to do it!" I put my hands up defensively, "I am, man, I swear on my life. I didn't have sex with her, we just kissed, I swear."

Patrick's anger simmered, sighing and then he sat on the bed. I watched him, lowering my hands as he did so. He placed his palms against his face; I went over and sat beside him, "I'm sorry, dude."

Patrick looked up, "It was doomed from the start," he breathed, "I was just pissed how she came back after just leaving me like she did."

I patted his back, "If it makes you feel any better, I'm getting divorced too."

"It doesn't," Patrick laughed.

"I'm moving back to Chicago to be with my kids."

"Naomi, too? I heard she's engaged," he said.

"Where?"

"The new Sports Illustrated; I got a copy at Barnes & Noble," he blushed, cheeks turning pink, "she's on the cover; god, does she look good."

"For real?" I mumbled.

"You haven't seen it?"

"Nah."

Patrick hummed, "You still got feelings for her?"

"Of course," I ran a hand through my hair, "I think I missed my chance."

Patrick patted my arm, "I wish you luck...even though you fuckin' made out with Juniper."

"Trick, man, I was so messed up back then. I'm really sorry."

"I know," he stood up, "I'm thinking about going back home, too. I'll see you, Pete."

I stood up and pulled him into a hug. He laughed and hugged me back; "I accept your apology."

"There's plenty of fish in the sea."

"As Naomi would say," Patrick chuckled, "the wrong sea."

I smiled faintly, "My kids need to see you, dude," we parted, "you, Trohman and the Animal."

He smiled, "Sure thing. Maybe for the holidays."

"Yeah."

Patrick gave my shoulder a slug before heading out. I watched him go and then sat back down. I needed a drink, but I'd rather get food...I needed to get that magazine too.