Without You, I'm Just Me

The entire flight I wasn't sure if Naomi calling me was real or not. Her voice was haunting my ears and the news of Hemingway made my stomach knot. My face was hot too, my ears burned; I felt like I was facing death, that the plane would fall outta the sky at any moment.

I didn't cry until I was actually at the airport and in the bathroom. My dad was calling me, telling me he was waiting for me, but I was too lost in my head at the single thought that Hemingway was dead and I actually got a call from Naomi where she wasn't yelling or telling me to stay out of her life. More so, she was crying over our dog, the first thing we had together and I wasn't sure if I was crying because she was or if Hemingway's death was getting to me.

I honestly couldn't tell the difference.

I finally managed to get out the stall, go to the sink and look at myself; eyes puffy and my mouth felt dry and my lips chapped. I opened my mouth, I felt really dry and sick and thirsty. I left the bathroom and to find my luggage; lucky for me it was easy to find and I was out of there real quick.

My dad was waiting for me by the exit, smiling shortly when he finally saw me. I walked up, breathing deep and hugged him; he patted my back, "You alright, son?"

"Yeah," I exhaled that deep breath, "yeah. I can't wait to see the kids."

"They're with Naomi," my dad let me go and then gave my back a pat, "c'mon."

In the car, my head was elsewhere and was throbbing. I rested my head against the window, feeling the frozen air send a chill down my spine. I inhaled softly; "How are the kids?"

My dad was silent for a few seconds before replying, "Benji's alright, but Lewy is still upset. Naomi, too."

"Where's Rob?"

"He's in New York taking care of a family emergency."

"When did Hemingway die?"

"This morning..." My dad trailed, "Dale told Naomi to take Hemingway to the vet because he was moping around, you know, and Naomi took him to the vet, they said he was fine, sent him home and about an hour later he wasn't moving. Naomi took him back and he passed there."

I sighed, "Oh man."

"I'm sorry, Pete."

"But, he wasn't even that old! Pandora was older than him and she died a year ago."

"That's what the doctors said, it was just old age," my dad said.

I rubbed my eyes, "I can't believe it."

"Neither can Naomi; it's like she lost someone. Poor thing has been crying."

I could only imagine how she must've been feeling. Hemy was pretty much everything to us before Lewis and Benji. I couldn't fathom coming home and not seeing him, or hearing him paddle over to me.


Benji was in the yard with my mom, raking leaves, when my dad pulled up. I got out, grabbing my bag and headed through the gate; Benji was busy jumping into the pile of leaves my mom had raked together. I went over and dropped my bag; Benji laid in the leaves, giggling, "Look at me, Gramma!"

"I see you, sweetie," my mom waved; then she turned to me, "hey, Pete."

"Hey mom," I gave her a quick hug, "is Lewy inside?"

"No, he's with Naomi at home. I took Benji because Naomi and Lewis are both feeling down."

I gave a nod and turned to see Benji; he hadn't noticed me. I crept over as he tossed leaves in the air and knelt down; "Are you just gonna ignore me forever?"

Benji looked up and then grinned, "Daddy!" He shot up and tackled me.

I fell back onto the grass and laughed, "I missed you, Benny."

He smiled, "I missed you too! Where ya been?!"

I sat up, holding him, "Oh, man, daddy has been...lost."

He looked confused, "Where?"

"Everywhere," I stood and picked him up, "I finally found my way back."

He hugged me, "Good."

I patted his back and brushed loose leaves from his hair. He rested his cheek against my chest, letting me carry him; my mom had patted my back as I passed. I grabbed my bag and went inside with Benji; we sat on the couch, where he began to tell me about Naomi and Lewis.

"Lewy was cryin'," he said, "a lot. Mommy too."

"They're sad about Hemy."

"Mommy say you save him."

I nodded, "Yeah, some jerk was being mean to him and I saved Hemy; I gave him to mommy."

"Are you sad?" He asked while looking up at me.

"Yeah, I am. I'm gonna miss him."

"Me too," he tilted his head, "no more rides."

I chuckled, "Maybe mommy will buy you another dog."

"Lewy wants fishies," he made a face, "I don't like fishies! I want a hamp-ster."

I laughed at his mispronunciation; "Maybe you'll get both."

He smiled, "I hope!"

Benji and I stayed at my parents for a bit before I borrowed my dad's car and drove over to Naomi's. Benji led the way in, I trailed behind, shutting the gate and preparing for possibly being yelled at. He opened the door and walked in like he owned the place; I hid a laugh.

"Mommy!" Benji said, "I brings daddy!"

I laughed softly, shutting the door. Naomi came from out of the hall, wearing a large t-shirt and pajama pants. She inhaled sharply; her eyes were puffy, like mine had been and she sniffed. She went to Benji, "Hey babe, did you have fun with grandma?"

He shrugged, "I'm itchy."

She smiled, "Go get ready for a bath, but don't bother Lewy, he's asleep."

"Okay," Benji went off down the hall, leaving me and Naomi alone.

She stood there for a moment; after what felt like 15 minutes, she came over to me and unexpectedly wrapped her arms around my neck. My heart thumped as I felt her began to sob against me; her embrace warm and loving. I hugged her back; she sighed, "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry, too," I mumbled.

"I didn't know...he wasn't that old, I--" she stumbled over her words, "I'm sorry, Pete."

"It's not your fault, you don't gotta apologize."

"I'm sorry," she said again, "for the last time we saw each other. I was mad and...I don't know what's wrong with me."

I rubbed her back, "You don't have to apologize to me. You're right about everything, your life isn't my business."

Her face buried into my neck, "You're an ass, too, for not calling."

I nodded, "Yeah, I know. I'm the worst father there ever was."

"No, you're not," she pulled back, "you're just an ass."

I smiled faintly at her, "How's Lew?"

"He hates you," she sniffed and removed her arms from around me, "not really though, he just hates you for not calling. Then Hemy died and he knew you'd either call or come home."

"I'm staying for good," I told her, "I divorced Ashlee."

She rubbed her eyes, "Why?"

"She hates me and I'm a terrible husband."

"Well, shit, you lose a wife and a dog in the same week," she said humorously.

"I'm not too broken up about Ash, but...man, poor Hemy."

Naomi sniffed, "Benji already asked me for a hamster."

"Yeah, he told me he wants one."

"I don't even know," she murmured, "I don't think I could handle losing another pet, and I mean actually losing this one. He wants to put it in a little ball and name it disco."

"Man, that kid is smart."

"I know," she smiled, "you can check in on Lew while I give Benji a bath," she said.

"Yeah, sure."

I followed Naomi down the hall, where we found Benji dancing around in his underwear. Naomi giggled, "Nice moves, Benny boy."

He stopped and looked at us with a frown, "Hey!"

Naomi went over and held out her hand, "C'mon, lets go."

He took her hand and followed her to the bathroom. I went across the hall to Lewy's room; he was lying in his bed, cradling his favorite stuffed monkey. I went over and sat beside him; I touched his arm and then he rolled onto his back, he rubbed his eyes, "Daddy, is that you?"

I nodded with a small smile, "Yeah, buddy, it's me."

He rubbed his eyes, "I'm sorry about Hemy."

"It's alright, Lew, these things happen."

"Are you gonna die?"

My brows raised; I didn't know how to answer that. I swallowed and shook my head, "No way, dude; I'm not gonna die...not for a million years."

"Mommy?"

"Not for a billion years," I smiled, "your mom is tough, she is never gonna die."

"And Benny?"

I shook my head, "Nope, not Benny. Are you worried?" He nodded, "You shouldn't be worried, Lew, you're a kid."

"It's scary. I'm not gonna see Hemy no more."

I bit the inside of my lip, "Yeah...yeah, but you'll remember him, and you got pictures," I inhaled, "and one day, a long, long time from now, you'll see him again."

He frowned slightly, "I feel bad for mommy."

"Why?"

"Cuz she cried lots for Hemy," he said softly.

"Mommy loves Hemy just as much as she loves you and Benny."

"Do you?"

"Yeah, man, I loved Hemy," I smiled, "he was the best dog."

"Are we gonna get another dog?"

"I dunno, you gotta ask your mom."

"I don't want another dog," he murmured.

"It's okay," I sat him up and pulled him into my lap, "I think Benji wants a hamster."

Lewy made a face, "No way. I like fishes."

"Maybe you can ask mommy to get you a fish."

Lewy finally smiled, "I am. Dad?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you gonna leave soon?"

I shook my head, "Nah, I'm staying here...for good."

He narrowed his eyes, "Really?"

"Yeah, really, bud," I chuckled, "I can do my job every other weekend in New York--"

He cut me off, "Like mommy?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "I'll be around all the time. I'm gonna find my own house and you guys can come over whenever you want."

Lewy frowned again, "Another house?"

"Yep."

"Can you live here?"

Again, I chuckled, "No, I can't, Lew. You know Robert doesn't like me, and your mom wouldn't like that."

He tweaked his lips, "Can I live with you then?"

I bit at my lip, "Uh...I dunno. We'll see. You know your mommy loves you around."

"You don't love me around?" He asked with a deep frown.

I smiled, "I do, Lewy, but your mom takes better care of you than me. You can stay with me all you want, but you have to stay with your mom."

He gave a small nod, "Okay."

Before I could say much else, Lewy hopped off my lap and went to grab his Yoda backpack; "Daddy, I made you somethin'."

"Yeah?"

He came over and opened his backpack and grabbed a bracelet made of beads. I smiled, "Thats awesome."

"I made mommy one, she wears it all the time."

"Where'd you learn how to make it?"

"Rae taught me," he said as he took my wrist.

I helped him tie it on me, "Who's Rae?"

"Ricky's girlfriend," he giggled, "she's really nice."

"This is cool, Lew, thanks," I kissed his head.

"You're welcome."

I picked Lewy up and hugged him, "I love you, little dude," I rubbed his back, "I missed you."

"I missed you, too, dad."