Without You, I'm Just Me

I cocked a brow at her, "You regret last night?" I asked automatically.

Naomi frowned, "What? We didn't have sex...Didn't I have 3 beers? Did you have drunk sex with me, Wentz?"

"No, we didn't have sex," I told her, stifling a laugh.

"It's not funny," she scolded me, "But, why would I regret last night?"

"I mean..." I trailed, "it was a joke."

She raised a brow right back at me, "Right. What I mean is, me and you gotta talk about this," she gestured to me and the couch, "how long are you gonna stay, or need to stay?"

"I was just here for the kids," I replied, "and you were a little drunk last night. I don't wanna stay--I don't wanna impose," I muttered, "I'm not going to live on your couch, Navy."

"Okay," she hummed, "cuz Rob's coming back--"

"He's coming back?" My eyes widened.

"What I said last night," she sighed, "I didn't mean to say--"

"I think you did," I accused her shortly, "I think you wanted to tell someone."

"He and I are gonna talk," she revealed, speaking a little louder.

"Naomi, he cut you, and don't fuckin' tell me it was "an accident" neither."

She was silent, her eyes falling to the floor. I sat beside her, looking at her; the ring wasn't on her finger, but it might as well had been.

"Did you talk to him this morning or something?"

She nodded, "Yeah. He was apologizing...I felt bad, but then I remembered last night, now that you're over here pissed."

"I'm not pissed."

"Then why are your fists balled?"

I looked at my hands and relaxed my fingers, loosening them.

"We're just gonna talk," she said again, "please don't get mad, alright?"

"I can't help it. I wanna fucking kill him for hurting you," the anger hadn't hit me until right then.

Naomi sighed as I sat beside her, "My head hurts and not from the alcohol. I wish my life was just a little bit easier."

"I know what you mean."

She looked at me sharply, "No you don't. You don't know what it's like to be me," she wasn't yelling, she was speaking angrily, "you don't know what it's like to have someone hold your throat and choke you until you pass out and then, when you wake up, he cries and says he didn't mean it," she swallowed, her eyes swelling with tears, "you don't know what it's like to think what's better; being alone or just being well off with someone who says they love you."

"You don't--"

Naomi stood up, wrapping her arms around her torso, "You don't know what it's like to have you as a boyfriend. 5 minutes in my shoes, Pete, you would've killed you. You've treated me so badly, you always tossed me aside, and Rob..." Her voice trailed, "he...he keeps me around...I'm like a lab rat for him. But he calls me, he kisses me...he holds me, and I always think it may get better, because you never know."

"I do know," I spoke up, "guys like him don't change."

Naomi began to cry and placed her palm against her face. I got up, went to her and wrapped my arms around her. She buried her face into the crook of my neck and slowly, her arms wrapped around me. I held her tight and rubbed her back, "It's okay," was all I could spit out. Naomi sniffed and placed her face against my left pec, her fingers running down my back.

"I missed you so much," she murmured softly, bringing her face up to meet mine, "you don't know what it's like being in love with you. I wanna rip my heart out."

I couldn't speak, there wasn't anything I could really say. More than anything I just wanted to kiss her. Thankfully, I didn't have to force myself too, because Naomi just pressed her lips to mine, just like last night, but with more presence and admiration. She tilted her head, causing me to kiss her deeper, and run my tongue along her bottom lip. Just as she opened her mouth, there was a knock on the door.

She pulled back and sighed; she looked at her watch, her arms slipped away, making me groan. Naomi mumbled, "He isn't suppose to be here yet."

"That's Rob?" I asked.

"Yeah, sorry," she replied, "you'll have to go, but he won't be here long," he knocked again, "just go to your folks, wake yourself up and I'll bring the boys over--"

"I'll pick them up, where does Ricky live?" I quickly grabbed my shoes.

She pulled her phone from her pocket, "Get his number," she told me as she went to the door.

I had my shoes on and looked for the number; before long, Rob was following Naomi into the living room. I stood up, having copied the number into my own phone; "I'm out," I said, standing, "I'll get the kids...I'll make sure Benji looks sick."

Naomi smiled awkwardly and took her phone, "Thanks, Pete," she said quickly, "see ya."

I waved to Naomi but didn't say or look at Rob. It was awkward silence as I left. My stomach was in the pit of my body; I felt sick again. My feet moved, though, getting me to the car and I actually drove to my parents' house.


My dad was in his office, handling business, as he usually does, and my mom was sowing; something she does to relax. The both of them acknowledged I was home and didn't say much else, other than they wanted to see Lewy and Benji. I retreated in my room after my shower and gravitated towards the closet.

My closet has a lot of clothes I used to share with Naomi. We're the same size, hips, waist and chest; which I took as a sign as she was made exactly for me. I could faintly smell the perfume she wore nearly 10 years ago, in there, on one of the first Clandestine shirt I made. It said Wentz Is Wack; I had made it for Patrick, he wore it once and then gave it to Naomi since we were dating. It was all a joke, since he assumed that I was this macho guy and some legend way before we knew each other.

Now, it just sits in my closet, waiting to be worn by her. I flipped through the shirts and saw a bunch that we shared. The one I looked for was the Pete! At the Disco shirt Naomi had made for me. I asked her to make it after I heard about Panic, and she did; she wore it back in early '04, before things were so damn hectic and crazy. The shirt wasn't in there and I worried that I had lost it, but I had a feeling maybe Naomi had it.

I dressed and returned to the closet, opening the footlocker. I found my chain immediately and put it in my hoodie pocket and started to go through the things in there. Photos, ticket stubs, flyers, the vinyl of the alternate cover of Take This to Your Grave, with Naomi lying on the bed with my toys and stuff on the wall of my old apartment. I wonder if she knows she's on the cover; she knows the photo exists, I took it, I showed it to her, and I think she knows we were gonna use it, but we couldn't get the licensing for the toys. Only about 100 were made; I have 3, Hey Chris has the majority of them, along with the tapes of the first 3 songs we ever recorded as Fall Out Boy.

Thinking of those days are so far away; it seems like it didn't really happen. Most of all, it feels like it was just a rare movie I saw and now the film is distorted, and only clips are available. Watching DVDs isn't the same as actually reliving those moments that I wish I could. I wanted to remember it all and remember how I got Naomi to be with me. I can't even really recall the first time we kissed; only that we were both high and she was angry and her fingers were broken.

Her old perfume helps a little. I can smell it and recall sneaking into her bedroom when it was raining or snowing. Sometimes when she smiles I can remember a lot of the jokes I would tell. She would just laugh at how unfunny they were and kiss me and tell she doesn't know any good jokes either. I honestly think we're meant to be together. I never loved another girl as much as I love Naomi.

And because I love her so much, I needed to get some help to convince her.


I picked up Benji and Lewy from Ricky's, where they had been eating burgers. Ricky's small family were all chatting away and enjoyed having the boys over. They were a little sad that they had to go, but I wanted to see Naomi's dad before long to talk to him. I wanted to tell him about Rob. He was the help I needed.

Benji's hair was cut short and he kept touching it, "It feels weird, dad," he said.

"I know what you mean," I told him, "I used to have dreads."

"Dreads?" He made a face.

"Grandma hasn't shown you?"

"No."

"I'll show you soon, alright?"

I thanked Ricky and his family, along with Rae and headed out with the boys. Lewy hummed as I drove, asking where I was taking them; "We're gonna go to grandpa's."

"Papa?" Benji asked.

"Yeah," I said, "I need to talk to him."

"Where's mommy?"

"She's busy, but I'll take you home soon, don't worry."

"Did she have a headache?" Lewy asked.

"Your mom was feeling a little sick today," I told him.

The boys took it as that and didn't question me any further. Once we got to Lee's, I saw him outside, nearly as usual, raking the yard. He smiled when he saw me, "They're back!" He laughed.

The boys ran up the yard and Benji immediately jumped into the leaves. Lee laughed and scooped him up, "Hey, little guy, I just raked all that! You know I'm old!"

Benji giggled, "Sorry, Papa."

He smiled, "Nice haircut."

"Rae did it!"

"Tell her she did an awesome job."

I walked up, "Hey, Mr. V."

"Pete," he placed Benji down, "what brings you by?"

"I really need to talk to you."

He gave me a quizzical look, "Sure. Where's Naomi?"

"She's at home...she's talking to Rob."

"He's back?" Lewy asked with a deep frown.

I nodded regrettably, "Yeah."

Lee gestured towards the house and to the kids, "Go inside, Amy's making turkey shaped cookies with Abigail."

Benji and Lewy both went up the grass, up the porch and into the house. Lee picked up a rake and began to fix the pile, "Alright, Pete, what's on your mind?"

I licked over my lips, "I don't think you're gonna like it."