Without You, I'm Just Me

I drove to the address Naomi gave me and sat in my car for a few minutes. I couldn't believe how nervous I got just thinking about seeing her. I was also nervous about seeing the boys, I didn't know if they'd be, more so Lewis, apprehensive about seeing me.

I finally got out and walked up the pathway, knocking on the door. I focused in on seeing them first, not anything around me. I didn't want to see any change in Naomi or the kids.

The door opened a moment later and there Naomi was; my jaw slacked a bit at her, she really did look like a damn fashion model. She wore black heels high enough to cause a nose bleed, making her several inches taller than she already was than me, and a black high waist skirt with a black tank top with a distorted smiley face on it. Her hair was swept to one side and she was smiling; "Come in, they're both in the living room, Benji is napping, though, so it's gonna be a challenge to get him up."

I walked in and looked her over, "How the hell can you walk in those?"

She looked down, "I'm just trying them on, you really think I'd walk around lookin' like this?"

I shrugged, "I dunno, I've seen stranger things."

"I got these in the mail here, so I'm trying them out. I'm gonna do some show for this clothing like called UNIF," she said, leading me to the living room.

I was surprised at how easily she walked in those heels. I couldn't even imagine being that high up in shoes like that. Other than that, Naomi looked absolutely amazing.

"Guess who's here, Bubba!" Naomi said excitedly to Lewy.

Lewy was playing with an iPad, "Who?" He asked, his eyes concentrated on the screen.

I laughed while Naomi sucked her teeth, "I'm gonna kill Rob for buying you this," she knelt beside him on the couch, "Gimme this, your dad's here."

Lewy shot up, handing Naomi the iPad; he rushed over to me, "Hey daddy!"

I smiled and picked him up, "What's up, bud?"

"Nothin', I haven't seen you in forever," he exasperatedly said over dramatically.

"Sorry, buddy, I've been busy, you know? So has your mom."

Lewy made a face, "She takes pictures in her underpants!"

Naomi laughed, "Not all the time."

I sat down with Lewy, "What do you wanna do today?"

Lewy shrugged, "I dunno."

I thought for a moment as Naomi began to wake Benji; "Wake up, baby boy," Naomi picked him up, and then suggested, going to the fair; "There's one right down by that park," she hummed, "I can't remember the name, but Rob told me about it."

"Yeah!" Lewy exclaimed, "Can we go, daddy?"

I nodded, "Yeah, sure. I gotta call Ashlee and tell her to meet me."

Lewy frowned, "Why?"

"So she can come with us," I told him, "We're all gonna have fun."

Lewy made another face, and Naomi got up with Benji, rocking him. It was a little tense with Lewy, I wasn't sure what to say.

"What're you doing?" I asked Naomi instead.

"I'm waking him up, he likes this," she said, then she looked over at Lewy, "Go get your bag, bub, so I can get it ready for you to go with daddy."

Lewy got up and sulked out the room. I looked at her, "He doesn't like Ashlee."

"I'm sorry," she murmured, rocking Benji until he yawned, then she sat, placing him on her knee, "I told him that you love her, so he should be nice to her. He's just...I think Lewis is selfish, he wants you all to himself."

"I can't blame him, I was that way with my mom when Hilary was born," I replied, "What's up with Benji?"

"I swear," she laughed, "I think I gave birth to a sloth. He's like an old man, all he wants to do is nap and drink chocolate milk."

I smiled, laughing, "I feel you, Ben."

Benji woke up after a few seconds, rubbing his eyes, "Mommy, thirsty," he said.

"I told you," she said to me, then looked at Benji, "Baby boy, daddy's here, you're gonna go with him."

Benji yawned, "Why?"

Naomi and I both laughed, "Because your birthday is in a few days and he wants to see you. Remember, you wanted to come."

"Oh, yeah," Benji yawned again, and then climbed off Naomi's lap; he came over to me, climbing into mine, causing me to smile as he nuzzled into me, "Hi daddy."

I held him, "Hey, Benji, I missed you."

"Missed ya too," he nuzzled his face against my chest.

Lewy returned with his bag, and Naomi was taking her nosebleed heels off; "Thanks, bub," she told him, "Gimme your shoes so I can put them on."

"I can do it!" He said excitedly, "Daddy," he came over to me, "I can tie my shoes!"

"That's awesome, Lew," I said happily, "Who taught you?"

"Robert," he said, "It's like bunny ears."

I bit back a frown, "Show me," I replied instead.

While Lewy showed me how to tie his shoes, Naomi got up and went towards the coffee table where a large duffle bag was. I could see her placing some things inside Lewy's bag, and then she returned, "We got pull-ups, diapers, wipes, bottles and extra clothes, in case one of my little dudes gets dirty."

I looked over the kids and saw that they were ready; Benji had his shoes and his sweater on. Lewy was having trouble with his shoes, so Naomi helped him. After, she took Benji and woke him up again, "Hey, you gonna sleep all day, grandpa?"

He giggled, as did Lewy, "No."

Naomi kissed him, "Then wake up for daddy. You're gonna go to a fair and have lots of fun."

"Really?" Benji asked.

"Uh-huh. I'll see you later, okay? We'll go to the beach or something." Benji smiled and hugged her; "I love you, baby."

"Love you," she set him back in my arms; I stood up with him.

Naomi knelt to Lewy, "You be a good boy for daddy and for Ashlee, okay? I'll see you later, I love you, bubba."

Lewy hummed, hugged and kissed her, "I love you, too, mommy."

Naomi stood and let out a small sigh, "Take care of my boys, if they need anything, just call me or go with your gut."

I nodded, chuckling, "I will."

She tweaked her lips, "Here's their bag, please don't forget."

"I won't," I hiked the bag onto my shoulder, "I'll call you as soon as they want to come home."

She patted my cheek, "Good. I'll see you."

"I'll see you, Naomi."

She followed us out, making sure I buckled them right into their car seats. Naomi stepped back as I got into the driver side and waved. My stomach was in knots at the way she smiled; I wasn't sure if she was smiling at me or just smiling at the boys.


I didn't call Ashlee, because I didn't want to upset Lewy. I know that he didn't like her, plus, I needed to just spend time with them. I carried Benji while Lewy held my hand; I took them to the fair, we got on a few rides and I won them stuff monkeys, then we got popcorn and cotton candy.

We had fun, I was totally in my element. I was really happy, I wasn't upset, I wasn't worried and I didn't think about the regrets and the pain in my head. This is what I needed, or what I need fully.

"Daddy," Lewy tugged my shirt, "Can we go?"

"You wanna leave?"

He hummed and nodded, "Yes."

I looked at Benji, who was on my hip, drinking a sippy cup of juice, "You wanna leave, too, buddy?" He shrugged, "Alright, we'll go. We can go to my house, wanna go swimming?"

"Yeah!" Lewy exclaimed.

"Lets get out of here, then."

The boys and I left the fair; I put them in the car and found Benji was already falling asleep again. I chuckled; Naomi had been right, he was exactly like a little sloth. Lewy was still up, playing with his monkey.

"We'll get some food before we swim," I told them as I got in the driver seat; I looked back at Lewy; "Maybe your bro will wake up."

Lewy giggled, "He's always asleep."

"Yeah, I can see that. What did your mom do to him?" I kidded.

Lewy shrugged, "I dunno."

I shook my head, laughing, and began to drive. As soon as I did, it was like all the distraction of the day slipped away. I suddenly began to think about Naomi and what she was doing, and her relationship with Rob. My mind began to wonder about how they were and if they were really happy. I knew Naomi was happy by the way she was always so joyful and smiling.

But, still, I wanted a flaw.

"Lew," I looked at my son in the rearview mirror, "Is mommy happy?"

Lewy hummed, "Uh, yeah."

"What about Rob?"

"Yeah," he answered simply, "But, mommy doesn't like it when he leaves."

"Where does he go?"

"Mommy says he goes and makes music like you."

"Does mommy love him?"

"I dunno."

"Do they argue?"

Lewy was silent, so I looked back for a second, then at the road. He had looked preoccupied with his monkey, but he looked upset. When I got to a red light, I looked back at Lewy, "Lew?"

He made a face, but he kept his eyes on the stuffed monkey, "Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

He shrugged.

"What's wrong with mommy and Rob?" I asked him.

"Mommy told me I can't tell," he said.

I was just about to ask, but someone behind me honked. I cursed under my breath and drove off. I decided to hold off on questioning Lewy until we got to my house.

The entire drive, Lewy was quiet, even when I played his favorite songs. Benji was still asleep; he woke up when I got him out of his seat. Lewy grabbed his bag and followed me inside. Benji yawned, holding me and his monkey, "Where we are?" He asked tiredly.

"At my house, Ben."

He rested his head on my shoulder, "'Kay. You have toys?"

I smiled, "I got movies and we can go swimming after we eat."

He yawned again, "'Kay."

I got the boys inside and took them to the living room, settling them down. Benji yawned again, "Hungry," he said.

"I know, how about some pizza?"

"Yeah!" Benji exclaimed.

"Lew, you want pizza?"

"Yeah," he said quietly.

"I'll order it, it should be here soon," I sat with them, and turned the TV on, "What do you guys wanna watch?"

"Spider-Man," Lewy said.

"No!" Benji grumbled, "I like Batman."

"Spider-Man," Lewy looked at me, "Please?"

"What about Superman?" I offered.

The both of them exclaimed, "No!"

I laughed, "Okay, we'll watch Spider-Man first and then Batman, cool?"

Lewy cheered while Benji just shrugged. I don't think he really cared at all, which saved me from calming down a tantrum. It's amazing how chill my kid is.

I ordered the pizza and then started the movie. I was distracted by my thoughts while the movie played; when the pizza arrived, I got up and paid for it; I got the boys slices, cutting them up and returned to the living room. I helped Benji eat, while making sure Lewy ate carefully. I couldn't help but to wonder what Lewy had known about Naomi and Rob. I really wanted to ask, it was eating away at me.

"Lew," I looked over at him, his eyes rolled over to me.

"Huh?"

"What's up with mommy and Rob?"

He tweaked his lips, "I can't tell."

"Why?"

"Cuz mommy said I can't."

"You can tell me, Lew," I rubbed his back, "I won't tell mommy."

He looked at me, "Promise?"

"I promise," I held my pinkie to him.

Lewy lifted his hand and wrapped his pinkie around mine. He looked down, our hands parted, "Um...he yells a lot."

"Why?" I asked with a frown.

He shrugged.

"Who does he yell at? Mommy? At you and Benji?"

He nodded, "Yeah. Mommy yells back and it's loud."

"Is that all, Lew?"

Lewis shrugged again.

"Did he ever hit mommy?" I hated to ask, and I was afraid of the answer.

Slowly, but surely, my son nodded. It took a minute for it to sink in and for my fists to ball. "When?" I asked, trying not to grit my teeth.

"Long time ago," he said, "When I spilled chocolate milk on the floor...it got on the new rug."

"Did he hit you?"

Lewy nodded, "He spanked me."

I sighed angrily, "What did mommy do?"

"Mommy hit him right in his face," Lewy looked pleased, but then he frowned, "Then he hit her."

I was keeping my cool, pretending this was all some sort of joke. I was thinking it was a imaginary story my kid was telling me, because I didn't want to believe it. That's how I kept calm, that's how I kept from getting up and calling Naomi.

"Does he hit her or you guys anymore?" I asked him.

He shook his head, "No. Are you gonna tell her?"

"No," I said, "I won't, I promised."

"Okay," he turned his attention back to the TV.

I rubbed my eyes and sat back; Benji crawled into my lap, watching the movie. I rubbed his back, trying to forget. I decided then that I wouldn't confront Naomi about this; it wasn't my business, and I didn't want to embarrass her. I also didn't know I it was still going on and I couldn't just budge in...hell, they're my kids to...but it's Naomi's life. My head and heart were both in a tug of war.