Without You, I'm Just Me

"What do you want?" Naomi said shortly, turning away from me.

I frowned, "Who is it?"

She lifted her hand to hush me; "Why are you calling me? Are you calling from jail?" She stepped towards the fridge. "Good, I hope you're in the worst shape of your life...I'm not sorry," her voice raised, "I didn't do anything! You were the one--how could I--you did this! I didn't do anything!"

She was silent for a good minute before she gave a growl, "Oh, really? Then why aren't you dead yet?" She nearly slammed her phone on the granite counter.

"You okay?" I asked quietly.

She exhaled and turned around, "I'm okay."

"What did he want?" I found myself asking.

"To blame me," she muttered, "do you know what he had the nerve to say to me?"

"What?"

"He said, "I can't live with you,"" she mimed him, "Bastard. I asked him why he wasn't dead yet."

I held back a laugh.

"I need to get his crap out of here. I'm sure one of his brothers will be here to get his things...or bail his ass out of jail," she added.

Naomi stood there, looking at the stove, quiet for a moment. I went over and put my hand on her shoulder, "You should sit down, I'll make them grilled cheese."

Naomi looked over at me, "Will you? I have to get his stuff together."

"Yeah, as long as you promise to sit down after."

She smirked at me, "Yes sir."

I smiled at her, earning a pat on my cheek. She took her phone and left, telling the boys she'd be in her bedroom. I inhaled, turning on the stove.


Naomi looked deep in thought while we ate. She barely touch her food and I tried to joke and say she didn't like my cooking. She didn't crack a smile, she looked at me and said, "What?"

"You don't like daddy's grilled cheese?" Lewy asked.

Naomi looked down at her plate and shook her head, "No, I'm just thinking."

"About what?"

She shrugged, "A lot."

"You alright?" I asked her, "You want something else?"

She set the plate on the coffee table, "Nah, I need a drink."

We watched her get up and go to the kitchen. Benji frowned, "Mommy's sad."

"Yeah," I murmured, "lemme go see if she's okay."

I got up and found her reaching up the cabinet over the stove. She grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and then a cup, "Naomi, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just thirsty."

"For JD at 2 in the afternoon?"

She hummed, "Yep."

I caught her arm before she could open the freezer, "Getting drunk ain't gonna help, you know."

"Yes it will," she yanked her arm away, "it helped you."

"No it didn't," I told her shortly, "you need to tell me what's going on. You were okay until he called--"

She cut me off, grabbing ice cubes and tossing them into her cup, "I don't have to tell you shit."

"What did he say that's got you all so riled up?"

"He didn't say anything. It's what he did," she shut the freezer and twisted the bottle top off, "there, you happy? I can't stop thinking about what he did and this," she picked up the bottle and began to pour, "this here helps me."

"Just tell me--"

"I am not telling you what he did," she growled, "I don't want to tell anyone! God, it's bad enough it's still in my head, why should you know?"

"Because I want to help."

Naomi twisted the cap back on, "You wanna help? Put this back in the cabinet, will ya?"

I took the bottle from her and watched her begin to leave. I took the top off the bottle and began to pour it down the drain. Naomi must've heard me because she came back and yanked the near empty bottle out of my hand, "What the hell are you doing?" She practically screamed.

I didn't even have an excuse.

"Are you crazy? Do you know how much this shit costs?!"

I just looked at her, dumbfounded.

"You're buying me another bottle," she snapped, "Goddammit!"

"Naomi, drinking isn't gonna help," I muttered.

"You should know right? You're the substance expert," she spat, "you're such a dick."

"I don't think drinking--"

"Just shut up!" She snapped at me; I could see she was on the brink of tears.

"I'm--"

"If you say you're sorry I'm gonna hit you," she spat at me; she drank from her cup.

"I am," I told her, "I'm sorry about Rob, really."

"Just leave me alone," she murmured and left me in the kitchen; she took the bottle with her.

I sighed and returned to the living room. The boys were on the floor, looking at the TV, but they had heard us. They kept glancing at us; "Hey," I started, "you guys wanna go see grandma and grandpa?"

They shot up, "Yeah!"

"Go get your shoes," I told them, "I'll take you over."

The boys shot off to their room, Naomi glared at me, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm not gonna leave them here while you've been drinking."

"You're so unbelievable," she took a gulp from her cup, "I can handle my kids in any fucking state. I rocked Benji to sleep with a dislocated shoulder, I can put them to sleep after I've had a cup of JD."

I shook my head, "I think you need to sort some shit out on your own and not involve Benny and Lew."

"Fuck you," she said casually, as if it was nothing at all.

The boys came back to the living room and Benji hopped on the couch next to Naomi, "I like how mommy ties my shoes," he said.

Naomi smiled and put his shoes on, tying them, "Good, babe?"

He hummed.

I put Lewy's on and then grabbed their coats. Naomi had sighed and kissed their cheeks, "Be good. Daddy'll bring you back before bed time. You guys got school in the morning."

"I know," Lewy said, "bye mommy."

"Bye, babies, I love you."

I inhaled softly and left Naomi; I carried the kids to my mom's car and put them inside, driving them to their house. I was trying to think of a way to get Naomi to open up to me; I knew talking about things would help. Inside the house, my mom was happy to see the boys, as well as my dad, but as soon as they saw me, they knew something was up. My dad pulled me aside while my mom took the boys to help her clear up the living room of scrap clothing materials. I had told her to show them pictures. I just needed them to be distracted for a while.

"What's going on with Naomi?" My dad questioned.

I took a moment to think when my phone rang; I retrieved it from my pocket and saw it was one of my friends. I wasn't in the mood so I silenced it; "She's drinking, and she's pissed because I poured half the bottle down the drain."

"Why is she drinking?"

"Rob. She says it helps her forget," I told him what happened in the kitchen, to which my dad shook his head and sighed, "I just...I don't know what to do."

"Go back over there and have her tell you what's wrong," my dad searched his pockets and got out his phone, "I have a friend, a therapist who can help her, because I know that there are things Naomi isn't dealing with and he can really help. His name is Harold Freeman," my dad gave me his number, I set it into my phone.

"I hope she won't be too pissed with me."

"We know she needs to talk it out. It'll take some process, but I'm sure she'll come around."

"Like I said, I hope so."

"We'll keep the kids busy, just come back soon, alright?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

I thanked my dad and headed out, back to Naomi's. Again, I was thinking of a sure fire way to get her to talk to me.


I spotted a familiar face leaving Naomi's house with 2 large boxes. I stayed in the car, parked at the curb, watching him. Once he got into his car and left, I got out and headed up the pathway.

I knocked on the door and waited; as soon as she opened the door, she said, "What did you--"

"I came to talk to you," I said, making my way in.

She shut the door behind her, "Talk to me about what? I've got nothin' to say."

Her words were slurred and I knew she was drunk.

"How'd you get drunk so fast?" I asked her.

"I drank," she replied sarcastically, "duh."

"Me and you need to talk."

"No we don't. I'm done talkin'. I just got chewed out by Jason, I don't need you to do it now."

"I'm not gonna chew you out--"

"You're a liar," she plopped on the couch, "you're all mad coz I like to drink. I drink coz I wanna! If you had this stuff in your head," she tapped the side of her head, "then you'd drink too! You just...you just understand."

"I want to understand, Navy," I sat beside her, "I don't wanna know the bad stuff, I just want you to vent, to get it out. Believe me, if I didn't see you in pain, I wouldn't bug and bother you. I don't want to know the horrible shit he's done to you, but I'll listen if it helps."

Naomi looked away from me, I could see tears slip from her eyes. She wiped them away with the back of her hand, "Why do you care so much?"

"Because I love you."

"How could you?" She muttered.

She sounded like me, way back before Lewy. Right when I felt like nothing and when I tried to shut my head off.

"Because I do," I told her.

She looked at me, "I want to die," she said, "it's horrible being here. I think about everything everyday and I don't want to be here anymore. I'm not a good mom, I'm not a good person; everyone would be better off if I was dead."

"No we wouldn't," I told her sharply, "we'd be in hell. Your parents wouldn't be able to deal, Abbey and our kids would fall apart. I don't think I could handle just raising our kids and not having you there to help and see them growing up."

She shook her head, "I'm tired. I can barely sleep. I just want it to stop."

"My dad has a friend who's a thera--"

"No," she said, "no way."

"Then, tell me. I just want you get better."

Naomi was quiet, she adverted her eyes from me.

"I don't want to tell you," she mumbled, "you'll be ashamed of me."

"I won't be ashamed of you," I scooted closer to her, "I'd wanna kill Rob, that's it. He's bigger than you, he knows fuckin' better."

"I'm ashamed of myself," she slurred, "I just wanna forget."

I scooted closer to her, "Then tell me what happened. I promise, I won't tell anyone and I won't be angry with you."

She sniffed and rubbed her eyes, then her nose, "It's embarrassing."

I inhaled softly, "You can tell me, Naomi."

She looked at me, "God, it's so..." She exasperated.

I leaned in and wrapped an arm around her waist, "Go slow."

She gave a nod, "Okay."

I held a breath as she opened her mouth and began.