Without You, I'm Just Me

I don't even remember falling asleep in the bed with Lewy, but I did. He had asked me to lay next to him and count the glow in the dark dinosaurs on his ceiling until they faded. We both had fallen asleep; but I was awaken by Naomi whispering my name in my ear.

"C'mon," she whispered softly, "he likes to spread out."

I squinted in the soft light of the hallway light falling a few inches into the room from the door, and looked at Lewy. His arms were outstretched and one was across my chest; his legs were on my thighs and he slept with his mouth open. I got up and carefully let his legs spread out; I covered him and rubbed his back.

I left the room with Naomi, turning towards the living room, but she grabbed my wrist and led me towards her bedroom; I flicked off the hall light and followed. You could see she had already been asleep; her hair was down and a little all over the place. She had a lazy smile and her eyelids were heavy; "Why're you letting me sleep in here?" I asked her.

She got in the bed, "Because I feel bad about letting you sleep on the couch, especially since I scratched the hell outta your back."

"It doesn't hurt," I told her as I climbed into the bed.

"Are you sure?" I caught her biting her bottom lip.

"Yeah, 'm sure," I said tiredly.

"Sorry I woke you up," she turned off her lamp.

I scooted closer in the bed with her; it was funny how comfortable I felt in bed with her. Like all those times when I would sneak into her room and lay in her bed. Watching her read or watch a movie, looking completely oblivious to the fact I was right there, but then she'd look at me and smile and say, "What?" and I would just shake my head.

"I can't believe how dumb I am," I whispered.

"Huh?" She asked in a soft yawn.

I could barely see her; the moon was like right near the right of the room, shining over the covers in the dark. She opened her eyes and I said, "I fucked up your life."

"I got 2 awesome little dudes out of it," she replied happily.

"No, I mean it," I sat up on my elbow, "for real, Naomi, I just didn't know how good I had it before. I used to think I'd be 25 forever and the band would be forever and girls who hate themselves would love me just as much as I hate myself forever. I used to think I didn't need you, and it's just...it's the complete opposite; I need you more than I needed anyone before."

Naomi didn't speak; I could see her brows furrowed though; she sat up and turned her lamp on; we both squinted; "What the heck are you ramblin' on about, Pete?"

"I feel comfortable right here and I never felt comfortable anywhere...except at my parents' and even there it's borderline desperate for me to just live there. I need to be somewhere where...where I want to be and feel okay to be, and it's right here...I think it's just you."

Naomi smiled at me, "That's how I felt when I met you, dummy."

"I never got it."

"Took your dumb ass 10 years?" She laughed and I nodded.

"I wish it hadn't of taken that long...I wish I felt it before. I always expected to find it once I was by myself, but being myself makes me sick."

Naomi leaned over and kissed me. Her lips stayed closer to mine after, ghosting, "Then don't be stupid and leave; we need you."

I nodded dumbly, "Yeah."

I pressed my lips to hers, feeling her arms wrap around my neck. She was the one to push me back and straddle my lap; always in control. Her tongue ran along my lip, so I opened my mouth and fell into a deep kiss with her.

My hands found the hem of her shirt and yanked it up; Naomi broke the kiss and let me pull her shirt off. I bit at my lip when I saw she didn't have on a bra. She went back to kissing me and tugging at my shirt; I pushed her back, quickly climbing on top of her and pulled my shirt off; our bare chests met as we kissed again. I moved down her lips and traveled to her neck, kissing across her throat. She arched her back off the bed to pull her pajama bottoms off and then tugged at my sweats; I knelt off of her and pulled hers off before following with mine.

Naomi sat in just her panties, panting softly and looking at me, "God, you're so hot," her cheeks flushed pink.

She nearly jumped on me, causing me to laugh and fall against the pillows. Her mouth found my chest and began to plant kisses; I groaned and let my head fall back and my eyes shut. She took her time around my ribs; I had looked down at her, catching her kissing my bruises. I sighed, "Naomi, are you teasing me?"

She looked up, her swollen lips turning up, "Mm, maybe."

"You're gonna kill me," I grunted.

Naomi continued to make her way down to my boxer briefs and tug at the elastic band. I swallowed and watched her pull them down, just barely, to release my cock; she laughed as it sprung free, "Aw, did someone miss me?" She asked between her giggles.

My eyes rolled back as her breath tickled against my skin, causing goosebumps to flood my rigid member and the rest of my body, "Oh, yes. Yes we did."

She giggled again before she took me into her mouth, immediately swirling her tongue over my tip. I groaned and gripped the sheets; I looked down at her and sighed, "I love you."

She smirked and released me, "I know."

"That's all?" I sighed wantonly.

"Joe would appreciate my Star Wars reference."

"Well, Joe ain't here, I am," I bucked my hips.

She sucked her teeth, "Such an inpatient piece of work you are."

"I'm gonna die if you just leave me like this."

"Fine," she smiled.

I moaned when her hot mouth took me in again, swallowing deeply. I shut my eyes and brought a hand up to thread through her thick hair. She hummed, causing my hips to buck; I was surprised that she didn't gag, she continued to hum and suck me off, licking expertly. She was so fucking good at this; I was on the verge of gripping her hair in my fist, but forced myself not to. I opened my eyes upon feeling her mouth release me again; Naomi locked eyes with me, "You can grab my hair, baby," her hand ran up my hip, "I'm okay with it."

I swallowed, "You're amazing."

"Flattery isn't getting you anywhere, Peter. I'm already sucking your dick."

I laughed, "It's true, even if you didn't have my dick in your mouth."

She rolled her eyes, but then she looked back at me, "I know, I'm just fucking with you."

I didn't get to say a thing before she started to suck again. I gripped her hair as gently as I could, making sure not to hurt her. My mind and body were lost, and really I just focused on Naomi, and fucking grateful I was to have her in my life.

Naomi seemed to be in her own little world, but when I looked down, I could see her looking at me with this twinkle in her eyes. I couldn't take it anymore, I let her hair go and told her to get up. She sat up on her knees, but I quickly pushed her back; "No foreplay," she muttered, "I want you."

I nodded shortly, propped up over her; her legs locked around my waist and I slowly buried myself into her. It was crazy how in love I felt with Naomi; I wanted to do crazy shit, I wanted to kiss her and set the world on fire. I wanted to marry her and make love to her; I wanted babies and my life to end with her by my side.

Her nails dug into my back, as well as her heels, as I began to thrust, going slow. She arched her hips up and cried out, "Faster," she begged, her voice wavered with lust and near desperation. Her lips found my neck as I began to pick up my pace, I could hardly contain myself.

I rocked my hips hard against her, pulling nearly all the way out before slamming into her. Naomi cried softly, tightened her lips together. I buried deep within her, closing in to kiss her, my hand brushed the stray strands away from her face as I kissed her softly.

My body tensed against hers, her harden nipples brushing against my chest, making every little movement worthwhile. I bit at my bottom lip and groaned; Naomi's soft moans filled the cavities of my ears; but it was interrupted when I heard her moans stop and I heard her whimper.

The whimper was different than pleasure, it was one that led to a sob. I stopped my rhythm and looked at Naomi; her eyes were watery and she locked them with mine; "Why'd you stop?"

"Am I hurting you?" I asked, pushing my body up.

She shook her head, "N-no."

"Why are you crying?"

She shut her eyes and let the tears fall away out the edge of her eyes, rolling down to her ears. Naomi rubbed them away and she finally looked at me, "I'm just happy. It's silly, I know, but I am. I missed you, Pete, so much, you don't understand."

I kissed her lips, "I missed you too."

"I was miserable," she murmured, near whisper.

"I'm miserable without you, too," I whispered back.

Her lips turned up, and her hand came up to brush my hair back, "Keep going," again, her words came out real soft, "please."

I gave a small nod and began to rock my hips slowly. Naomi let out a breathy sigh and her eyes shut; I kissed her neck, my hand came up and took hers in mine. She groaned and arched her back, swallowed; I felt her neck vibrate beneath my lips.

My pace slowly picked up; both of our hands, fingers intertwined and above her head. Naomi squeezed her mouth shut to hold in moans and loud cries. I ached to hear them, but knew it would be foolish to force them out.

Warmth and body rocking goodness filled my gut and my groin. I couldn't even describe how amazing my orgasm built so greatly in such a slow pace. Naomi was already there, her head thrashed and her walls gripped me like a vice. I was meant for her and she was meant for me. Our bodies were perfect together; they worked in sync with our minds and humor and every other bullshit that we had in common.

It's stupid not to assume that we weren't meant to be. She was mine and I was hers and that's how it's suppose to be. We're meant to grow old together; love and hate each other, because that's how we build our future.

The mistakes I made weren't worth it, but they happened for a specific reason. That reason being; I was supposed to realize how good I had it and make me come back to her. The things that happened to Naomi was a terrible thing and never should've happened.

And one day we'll see what it was for. Because Naomi didn't deserve it. She doesn't even deserve me, but it's fate, she's meant to be with me.

Naomi sighed beneath me, our fingers still intertwined after we came; she looked at me, "Sometimes I feel like you hate me."

I frowned and leaned off her a little; still I was deep inside her, our bodies body sheeted with sweat and sex. "Why?"

"Coz of everything I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong," I told her, "I don't care if you begged him to hit you, he shouldn't have."

"I feel stupid," she mumbled, "why did I let this happen?" The tears filled her eyes again.

I let her hands go, climbed off of her and got our clothes. With Naomi sniffling and teary eyed, I dressed her; she giggled at me, "I don't need you to dress me."

"I want to," I said, "such a shame you have to put clothes on though."

"I know what you mean," she sniffed again.

I got into bed with her and held her close to me; "You aren't stupid. It happened and it won't again, alright?"

Naomi nodded slowly.

"I want you to stop beating yourself up, Navy," I kissed the side of her neck, earning a soft sigh, "it's all over now."

She nodded, her hair brushing against my face. My arms wrapped around her torso, her back pressed against my chest. This was it, this is what I wanted for the rest of my shitty life; my kids and Naomi would be the little good I had in it.


In the morning, I got the boys ready for school while Naomi slept in. I couldn't really sleep anyway, I had for a little while, but thinking about my kids had kept me up. Constant worry was on my mind, I was afraid of not being there to protect them like I should have.

I had to take it one day at a time.

Benji was the first to wake up and complain about how cold it was; "I wan' it to be summer again! I wanna swim."

"Sorry, Benny," I gave him cereal, while Lewy ate toast with jam, "it'll be summer again before you know it."

Benji grumbled something; he and I are the same; we are not morning people. Lewy was either hot or cold, it depended on how he slept; Naomi was that way too. It was easy to see who our kids took after once you got to know them.

"Ready for school?" I asked them once they finished with breakfast.

"Yeah," Benji said, unenthusiastic.

"I am," Lewy joined.

"Alright, lets get goin'," I clapped my hands and helped them off to the living room.

The kids got on their hoodies and shoes, and their backpacks. We prepared to head out the door when Naomi came out, "Hey, you're just gonna leave without hugging mom?"

Benji rushed over to her and hugged her hips; Naomi knelt down and kissed his cheeks, "Love you, mommy."

"Love you more, baby boy," she pulled his cartoon beanie down on his head, "stay warm."

Lewy went to her and she hugged him, "I love you, bub."

"Love you, mommy," he murmured.

She made sure both of them had everything before she ushered us out the door. I had snuck a kiss from her before heading out. I tried to imagine the smirk on her face. The boys had seen, but chose not to say a word until we were in the car; Benji exclaimed joyously, "Daddy, you love mommy!"

I laughed, "Yeah, little man, I love mommy."

"Like lots?"

"Yeah, lots."

"Are you gon' live with us now?"

I looked at him in the rearview and then back at the road, "You know, Benny, I don't know. Me and mommy are working stuff out...it's complicated, but I'll be around."

"Okay," he said simply, "good, coz I likes it when you're 'round, daddy."

"Me too, Benny."

The next 5 minutes was filled with Benny asking me questions about any and everything. He usually does this; he's a curious kid, but aren't all toddlers? They ask up to 400 questions a day, and I think we got to over 100 by the time I dropped him off at his classroom.

Lewy, on the other hand, was quiet. I had held his hand and walked him to his classroom, "You alright, buddy?"

He shrugged, "I'm sleepy."

"You're turning into Benji, huh?" I kidded.

He shook his head, "I have bad dreams."

I frowned; I knelt down once we were inside his classroom, "Bad dreams?"

He nodded slowly, "Uh-huh. 'Bout mommy and Robert."

I tried to give him a small reassuring smile, "Hey, Lewis, would you be okay if we took you to a doctor to talk?"

"To talk? I'm not sick, daddy...I don't use my inhaler."

His innocent little sentence made me smile genuinely, "Nah, not like that, Lew. I mean...like a doctor who asks you stuff and you talk. They can help with your nightmares; make 'em go away."

Lewy smiled, relieved, "Really?"

"Yeah, really. Would you want to?"

He nodded, "Yes. But do I havta get shots?" He added wearily.

"Nah, no shots, Lew, I promise."

"Okay," he nodded, agreeing.

I kissed the top of his head, "Me and mommy are gonna talk about it, so it's just between us, alright?"

"Alright, daddy."

"Have fun, buddy."

Lewy waved and set his backpack and lunch bag into his cubby before rushing to his friends. I left after I knew he was with them and headed back to Naomi's. My mind was clear the entire drive; despite the whole mess yesterday, I actually felt good and happy.

I think it was the fact I was finally in a good place. Even if I was facing jail time, I knew Rob was too and with him gone, Naomi, Lewy and Benji would be safe. That was all I could ask for.