Without You, I'm Just Me

Naomi called me about 4, saying she was picking up the boys. We were swimming in the backyard; I was getting my mind off things. Ashlee was out with her friends; I didn't think she wanted to be home anyway, she wasn't one to deal with kids that didn't seem to like her. She had told me she wanted to be in their lives, but Lewis was making that hard for her, so she opted to stay out. I didn't mind.

Naomi arrived just as the sun was setting and found the boys on my couch, napping. She was dressed more casually; sweats and a long sleeve with animal printing on it; it looked like a kid's pajama top. Her hair was up, her makeup was off, which made her look more how I had met her; I loved it.

"How were they?" She asked me, looking them over.

"They were cool, they swam for a little bit, till it got kinda cold," I exhaled, "Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?"

She raised a brow, "What did Lewy do?"

"No, it's not that..." I trailed.

"What did Benji do?" She asked next.

"Nah, it's not about the boys," I licked over my lips.

"What's it about?" She asked, "Are you okay?"

I scratched the back of my head, "Lets go in the kitchen."

Naomi looked confused, but followed me anyway. She leaned against the counter, "What's wrong?"

"Look, I..." I found it hard to explain, "I...uh, Lew told me something and I promised that I wouldn't say anything, so you gotta promise you won't get mad."

"What'd he say?" Naomi looked worried, "Did something happen to him?"

I shook my head, "No--well...I don't know, it's," I paused, "I know your life ain't none of my business, but me and you got kids, so if it involves them, then it is my business."

"Yo, Pete, just spit it out," she was getting agitated now that she knew it wasn't about Lewy particularly.

I nodded, "Lew told me Rob hit you."

She scoffed, head tilted back and she sighed, "Oh my god. Why did he tell you that?"

My worried wavered, "Was he lyin'?"

"What did he say?" She asked instead.

"He said he spilled chocolate milk on the rug and that Rob spanked him, then you hit Rob and then he hit you."

"Okay, first off, it wasn't that big a deal, I can see you're angry about it--"

"Any dude hitting you in front of my kids is a big deal."

"It was once," she muttered, I could tell she was lying by the way her arms folded; she had a tell. "Yes, Lewis dropped his cup on the rug, it was new and costs a lot of money. Rob got mad and smacked him on his butt, when I specifically told him that he wasn't allowed to hit them--"

"Did he do it before?" I spoke over her.

Her pausing gave it away.

"Once before, I told him he wasn't to ever do it--"

"I'm gonna kill him," I spat.

"Calm down," she dropped her arms, "It was on his butt and I was there."

"Why'd you hit him then?" I crossed.

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Pete, why can't you drop it?"

"Because, I care about you and if some asshole is hitting you--"

"That "asshole" is my boyfriend," she growled, "What we do is our business, just like when we were together, what we did was our business, Pete."

I frowned, "I never hit you."

"You came close to it a few times."

She told me there, Naomi was right. But, I never actually hit her. I was always sorry after I yelled at her.

"Can you just be honest with me for a second so I don't have to worry about this?"

Naomi shook her head, "I hit him because he called Lewis a spoiled brat and we argued about spanking him. I just got mad and I hit him, he hit me back."

"And you just let it happen?"

"Oh my god, Pete, it wasn't a big deal!" She exclaimed, "We talked it over and we apologized to one another, that's how a relationship works. Hell, he's done more to make it work than you ever had."

"I wasn't in my right mind back then, you know that."

Naomi sighed, "Yeah, of course I do. I wasn't worthy of you getting clean, neither was the fact that you had a son at home."

I coursed my hair, "I was trying, I'm trying a lot harder than I was before."

"Yep, I know that," she moved away from the counter, "Are we through talking now?"

"I guess," I shrugged, "I just wanted to see if they were okay with you."

She scoffed, "I've been raising them, Pete, they'd been okay with me since before they were born. They've got food, shelter, clothes and love."

"They shouldn't have to see their mom get beat by some fucking loser," I grumbled.

"Rob doesn't beat me and he ain't a loser. He's one of the best things to happen to me," she said quietly, "He's done a lot of good and he's not perfect, but I love him the way he is."

I bit my tongue, and mumbled, "Great."

Naomi didn't respond, she just picked up Benji, and I got Lewy. I helped her to her car and set them inside. Once they were buckled in, she looked and turned to me, "I've got something to do tomorrow morning, so you can pick them up whenever. Rob'll be with them--"

"Maybe they should just stay here then," I offered quickly.

"No, Lew and Benji have been waiting to see Rob. He makes them the best pancakes, and they've been looking forward to it," she licked over her lips, "After 11 is a good time to pick them up, and I'll call you when I'm done and pick them up; I'm taking them to the beach."

I rocked back on my heels, exasperating, "Alright. Cool."

Naomi watched me for a few seconds, her face softened and she came close to me, "I am fine. I am happy and Rob isn't hurting me," her eyes told the truth; he was hurting her, but she wouldn't admit it.

I know her just as much as I know myself, probably even more. There was something she wasn't going to tell me and probably wouldn't unless the kids' lives depended on it. It ached inside of me.

"Naomi, you can lie to me all you want, but I'm not gonna sit back and not worry, it's in my nature. We've known each other for almost 10 years and you think just because we aren't together that I won't know you inside and out," I couldn't stop myself, "I know when you're lying and I know when you're telling the truth."

Naomi's brows creased, "You don't know me, Pete. You never did."

I was a second away from throwing my hands up, but I just couldn't. Naomi couldn't fool me, but she wouldn't let me do anything about it. She was fighting so hard to keep it to herself and I wasn't--I didn't get why.

"Does your dad know he hits you?" I asked her sharply.

Her eyes narrowed, "Don't you dare bring my dad into this," she spat, "And don't you dare go and bother him with something that happened at Christmas. It was once and we talked it out, Pete. You start something that isn't there, I swear to God I'll make it a lot harder for you to see our sons."

"You jump right to that?" I questioned furiously, "You're gonna keep my kids away from me because I don't want a bastard around them--"

"They like him, Pete! He doesn't beat me, and believe it or not, he's amazing with them," her fists balled, "I'm sorry if our relationship isn't all sunshine and rainbows like yours and Ashlee's! People argue, people have fights and most of the time, they're happy; I'm happy, I'm happy with Rob and I'm gonna marry him!"

I couldn't stop myself from saying, "Over my fucking dead body!"

"Drop dead, then," she shoved me, "I'm done with this discussion, Pete, and I'm not going to try and convince you of anything. Take it as you want, but there's nothing going on. You wanna keep seeing Benjamin and Lewis, then I suggest you keep your big mouth shut and be happy that you see them. You don't like it, you figure out a way to deal."

I was speechless. Naomi was seriously angry. I couldn't blame her, I mean, I have no right to question her, she isn't mine anymore. But, I can't stand the thought of not doing a thing while I know Rob's putting his hands on her. I really wanted to call her dad, but the look in her eyes made me forget that idea.

"I just don't want him to kill you," the words fell out of my mouth.

She rolled her eyes at me, "Pete, you're delusional."

"Naomi, I'm serious. You wanna let it happen, I can't stop you, but I can at least say what I wanna say; if you die, if he beats you to death--"

She put her hands up, "Shut the hell up, Pete."

Naomi went to the driver side of her car and got in. I exhaled and ran both hands through my hair. I felt helpless.

She rolled her window down and looked at me desperately, "Peter, for the sake of me, just leave it alone."

"I'm sorry, Naomi, but I can't."

"Why not? You really wanna make life hard for me? I just got over everything, I found happiness."

"That's not happiness, Naomi."

"How would you know? You've got yours, I've got what I've got. I'm making my own happiness and it involves Rob; so, if you ever cared or loved me -at all- you'll let this go and let me be happy."

I could see her eyes grow glossy. I couldn't hurt her anymore, I couldn't be the source of her pain. So, I did her the only favor I could; I dropped it.

"Okay. But you can't stop how I feel," I managed to say.

Her lips turned down, just a little, and she gave a nod, "Pete, be happy with what you got, that's what I've learned."

"Okay, Naomi, whatever you say."

Naomi blinked and then started her car, I stood back and watched her drive away.