Without You, I'm Just Me

"Please tell me you're joking."

Lee gave me this look of disbelief after I explained everything. I told him every little bit of what was going on, because I couldn't hold it in anymore. He now knew what Rob has done to Naomi and why she tried to kill herself.

"I'm not kidding around, Lee."

"Is she paranoid?" He asked, mostly himself, "She has to be. He won't--can't kill her."

"I don't think he his, I think he's trying to scare her and she's definitely scared."

"I'm gonna call the police, and if they don't fucking do anything, I'll do something."

"Like what?"

Lee shook his head absentmindedly, "I don't know."

I watched him call the police on his phone. Within a few seconds, Amy arrived home from the grocery store with Abbey and the boys. Lee looked over and disappeared out the room; I got up and went over to help her.

"Hey, I missed you guys," I muttered.

Lewy looked at me, "Can we see mommy yet?"

I shook my head, "Not yet, buddy, soon."

Amy led the way into the kitchen, "Abbey, Lew and Benny, go play and I'll call ya when lunch is ready."

Abbey took off, but Lewy and Benji came over to me; Benji took my hand, "C'mon, daddy."

"Wait," Amy said, "I have to talk to your daddy, kiddos. Give us 5 minutes."

Lewy and Benji nodded, then they took off behind Abbey. I began to help unload the groceries; "Naomi's hysterical," I told her.

"Lee told me," she said, "it's all over the damn news. Some woman at the grocery store asked me if Naomi tried to kill herself--in front of the kids!" She hissed. "Can you believe that? She couldn't be considerate?"

"I'm really sorry, Amy. I should've...seen something."

"It's not your fault," she shook her head, "God, you can never see it. Naomi didn't--she never seemed like she would ever get to that point in her life. How could she? She has Benjamin and Lewis."

"It's all Rob's fault," I growled, "he's torturing her."

Amy coursed her fingers through her hair, "My poor baby," she murmured, "I did all I could do to help...to be her mom, but I don't think it was enough."

It was all around. Everyone was blaming one another for things going wrong. I know Lee felt some guilt, you could see it in his eyes.

"It's not anyone's fault but his," I said, "believe me, Amy, you and Lee shouldn't beat yourselves up over this; you didn't know."

"We should have," Amy quipped quickly, "I knew something was up...he was too nice. The boys were always quiet about their time at home and Rob."

"I should've said something," I added, "I didn't know that guy was this fuckin' crazy."

Tears rushed up in Amy's eyes; she wipe them away, sniffling, "I want to go see her. Are you taking the boys home with you?"

"After they eat," I assured, "my parents want to see them. I'll uh, take them to school tomorrow."

Amy sniffed again, "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. Do you need help with anything, aside from putting the food away?"

She shook her head, continuing to wipe the tears away, "No. Cooking will get my mind off things."

I helped put the groceries away and then I went to play with the kids. They were all in the living room; Abbey was playing with her dolls and the boys were building her a castles out of the large building blocks. I was welcomed and helped; for just a little while all the stress was gone.

But, it wasn't forgotten. And it sure as hell didn't disappear. It wasn't just a bad dream, it was a real life nightmare.


My parents were great in keeping the boys distracted. Everything with Naomi weighed on us, but we somehow managed to keep it all at bay when we were with the kids. My mom had them help put together her scrap books and then we ate dinner. Afterward, I took them upstairs for a bath and to watch a movie before they went to bed.

Benji was the first to ask what was going on; "What's wrong with mommy?"

Lewy had stopped making a bubble crown on the top of his head and looked up at me. I sat on the toilet lid, biting at my bottom lip, "Benny...mommy is not feeling good at all. I'm sorry."

"Coz of Robert," he said, "huh?"

I nodded, "Yeah. He made mommy sick."

"I hate him," Lewy spoke in a soft, angry tone. "I hate his guts!"

"Me too," Benji affirmed.

"I know what you guys mean and how you feel," I knelt on the floor and began to wash their hair, "he isn't gonna do anything anymore. We're all taking care of it, okay? Don't worry."

"I miss her," Benji frowned; I could see he was going to cry, "I want mommy."

"Hey, Benny," I rinsed the soup from his head, "Mommy wants to come home and be with you too, but she has to get better first. She misses you so much, you know that."

"I don' like sleepin' by ma'self," he mumbled.

I sighed softly, "I really am sorry, Benny."

He sulked and let me rinsed him off and then I did the same to Lewy. I wrapped them in towels and led them to my bedroom; I dried them off and put their pajamas on. They crawled into my bed, and I followed after putting Shrek on for them. It didn't take long before Lewy fell asleep; I was a little surprised it wasn't Benji who fell asleep first. He lay with his head on my chest, his hand held onto my index and middle fingers.

"Are you sleepy, Benny?"

He shook his head against my chest, "Not-uh."

"Want me to read you something?"

"No," he murmured, "I want mommy."

"Yeah, me too. She'll be home soon."

Benji snuggled into me, sighing. Another 20 minutes, he was asleep; I used the remote to turn the TV off, the room engulfed in darkness and I fell asleep after a few minutes. My mind felt too exhausted to think anymore; I missed Naomi, my kids missed her more and I wouldn't feel any better once she was home and okay.


It started to snow the next morning. My mom got the boys' boots out that Naomi had bought them a few weeks before. They were both quiet and reserved, eating and then following out the door with me.

The ride to their school was quiet; Benji, who usually was upbeat and laughing, asking me questions, didn't even hum. He and Lewy just followed my instructions, quiet still as I led them into the school. I dropped Benji off first, kneeling to help him take off his this coat; "Benny, you okay?"

"I don't feel good," he murmured.

I looked over at his teacher, who was waiting for me to sign him in. I decided then that they wouldn't go to school. I zipped up his coat and picked him up; I turned to his teacher, "Benji isn't feeling good."

His teacher, Ms. Rose, frowned sadly, "Oh. Poor thing," she seemed to know what it was about. "It's okay. Poor guy doesn't look like he wants to be anywhere today."

"I'm gonna take them home and make sure they're alright."

Benji rested his head on my shoulder, silent. I led them out the classroom and back to the car; Lewy didn't want to go to class either. I made sure to let the school know that they'd be out until the next Monday.

"Can we go home?" Lewy asked.

"We are--"

He cut me off, "Our house, daddy."

I nodded, "Yeah, sure."

My mind was focused on taking care of them and giving them whatever they needed. I got to her house, letting the boys rush in first; I turned up the heat and then began to call my mom and tell her what was going on. The boys fed their fish and then they watched them, talking in their language.

I wish I knew what to really do. They were hold up together, doing their own thing. It was about 2 hours of us quietly watching TV, drawing and eating, when Lee showed up. Lewy had opened the door and immediately hugged Lee; he picked Lewy up and carried him in, "You guys okay?"

"Daddy made us soup," Benji said. "Can we see mommy now?"

Lee exhaled and set Lewy down; they both sat on the couch, beside me, "Uh, not yet--"

"How come?" Benji whined.

"Mommy is getting better," Lee said, "I came to talk to your daddy and see if you guys wanted to come over to my house."

"Yeah," Lewy said.

"You guys go get your things," Lee told them, "I need to talk to your dad."

Lewy and Benji went off to their bedrooms. I looked at Lee, "What happened?"

"I talked to the police; they filing charges against Rob for terrorist threats and harassment. He isn't going to be released for a few months, until they get everything they need to file suit. They have his phone calls recorded and Naomi is going to be okay; he doesn't have people watching her."

I felt so relieved.

"Thank God."

"They're keeping her until tomorrow, and then they're releasing her."

"Did you see her?"

"Yeah, she's calmer, they gave her some medication. She still says she didn't try to hurt herself, and I don't think she'll try again," he raked his fingers through his hair, "I think being home with the boys will be good. Naomi needs to relax."

"I know, I told her that," I exhaled, "I can't wait to see her."

"The kids can't either."

"Benji's really missing her," I explained, "he's just...you know, terrible without her."

The boys marched back in; Lee smiled shortly, "Ready boys?"

"Yes," they both answered.

I hugged them quickly, seeing how excited they were to go. I knew that meant that they would be closer to Naomi in a way; I took no offense. There was just so much that was happening and they needed to some sort of break. With me, I was tensed and worried; with Lee and Amy, they could relax and have fun with Abbey. This would be as good as it gets with Naomi being gone; once she was back, things would be better.