Without You, I'm Just Me

Putting Benji to sleep while we sat with Lee took a minute. He was in my lap, his head resting on my shoulder and his arms around my neck. Lee had been lost in thought and I hadn't asked what was going on with Naomi.

"They're operating on her heart," Lee said after a few minutes.

"What happened? Was it the bone?"

He nodded, "They thought it was just there, but it went in about 3 inches. They're going in to have it removed and they had to get a blood transfusion--" he ran a hand through his graying hair.

"How bad is it?"

"Her chances went down to 50%," he informed.

I didn't know what to say to that. My stomach dropped; I felt sick and nervous. My body felt like shutting down, but I couldn't and I didn't.

"What do we do?" I asked softly.

Lee shrugged, "Wait."

"I should've been there," I cursed, "that stupid party wasn't--would never be worth what I couldn't do here. I could've gotten Rob away from her."

Lee shook his head, "Whatever happened, happened. All I want is for my kid to come out of this okay." Lee looked at me, "Take Benji home. I'll call you if anything changes."

"Lee, I think you should get some sleep."

"I'm fine, Pete. You don't know, I've gone more days without sleep before."

"I'm worried about you," I told him, "it can't be good for you to be here all night and day."

"It probably isn't, but I'm not leaving until I can see her."

I exhaled, "Yeah, yeah, okay, Lee."

He rubbed his eyes, "I'm not going days without sleep either. I nap here, I'm fine."

"You're stubborn like her," I told him.

Lee rubbed his face, "Gift and curse. You, Pete, shouldn't keep yourself up. Take Benjamin home, you get some sleep too and come see Lewy. If anything changes, I'll let you know, alright?"

I stood awkwardly, cradling Benji, "You don't need anything, Lee? I...I just wanna help."

"I'm fine. I'm gonna call Amy, you just take care of Benji. I'll see you tomorrow."

I nodded, "Okay. Take care."

Lee nodded back, waving as I turned to leave. I carried Benji to the car, making sure he was comfortable. I had sat in the driver seat for awhile, thinking about what to do, and what the hell was to come next.

Then it hit me that Naomi was inside of an operating room. She was on the verge of death and I couldn't do anything about it. If she dies, I die, and I wasn't ready to go yet. Naomi wasn't ready to die yet, our kids weren't supposed to live without Naomi.

If she dies, she'll take most of us with her.


I couldn't sleep. Not when I can't know how Naomi is, not when I can't look in on her. If I did sleep, it was for minutes at a time. I woke up with heavier shoulders and the worst headaches I ever experienced.

Benji woke me up fully, wanting me to stay with him; he was scared. He barely slept, just like me, and made me stay in bed with him when he went back to sleep. We went downstairs to eat breakfast; he was cranky and kept quiet, but when my mom asked him what he wanted, he cried, "I want my mommy! I want my brother!"

I held him while he cried and managed to fall back to sleep in my arms. My parents were at a loss of what to do; I told them that I would take him with me to the hospital and see if I could go by Naomi's house. All the while this was going on, my phone was ringing off the hook. It was annoying, so I opted to turn the ringer off. I didn't answer it for anyone, only if I felt the need to, but I never did.

When Benji woke up again, he was a little better; he was just hungry and eager to see Naomi and Lewy. I fed him, gave him a bath and then dressed him warmly before heading out. Benji held my hand when we walked into the hospital; just outside, there had been a slew of reporters on the other side of the hospital. I didn't give them any thought; I just went up to see Lewy. Benji tugged at my hand, leading the way.

Up the elevator, down the halls, where we got to his room. The nurse was giving him breakfast, and he was a little tired. Benji rushed in, his hand breaking away from mine, "Lewy!"

Lewy sat up, "Hi Benny, hi daddy."

"Does it hurt?" Benji asked, climbing onto the bed.

"No," Lewy said, "did you see mommy yet?"

"Not yet," he said.

The nurse sat Lewy's bed up, "Eat all you can, Lewis, the doctor wants you to be alert."

"Okay."

The nurse left; I sat down beside the bed, "How do you feel, buddy?"

"Hungry. My arm is itchy," he said.

"My chicken pox is gone," Benji told him, "no more dots."

"I still gots some," Lewy told him.

"I wanna show mommy," Benji said.

"I gotta see what's going on," I said; my head was everywhere.

"Daddy," Lewy started, "is mommy gonna go to jail?"

I frowned, "Why would she go to jail?"

"Coz she shot Robert."

I sat up, "What?"

"Mommy shot Robert. And he died, huh?"

I was at a loss for words. Benji took Lewy's milk and drank some. Lewy began to eat, still looking at me.

"Mommy shot Robert?" I asked, "How?"

Lewy swallowed his oatmeal, "This is gross," he made a face and then said, "he shot the floor and then at mommy and the gun fell. Mommy grabbed it and then it went off; Robert fell on the floor and mommy threw it."

I blinked, "Are you sure?"

"Uh-huh," he drank milk, "I saw her. She shot him right here," he pointed to the underside of his chin.

"Are you positive?"

He nodded, "Uh-huh. I swear."

I rubbed my eyes, "Good," I mumbled. "Mommy isn't going to jail. She was defending you and Benji."

"Mommy was scared," he mumbled, "I tried to help a lot."

"I know," I rubbed his back, "I know, buddy."

Lewy didn't say more about that night; he ate and then his doctor came in to check on him. Benji sat in my lap as Dr. Copeland told us what needed to be done to protect his hand from further injury. He gave me a prescription for liquid pain medication and a plastic cover for his arm so he could shower. After all that, he was going to be released. Lewy couldn't have been any happier.

Lee had dropped off clothes and his tooth brush the night before for him and I helped him get dressed and brush his teeth. He would have to learn how to brush with his left hand, like Naomi. Once Lewy was dressed, the nurse said he would have to be wheeled down to the car. It was a policy, which I didn't get; "We're going to the ER waiting room to see their grandfather," I told her.

"We'll wheel him over and sit him down; we don't want him to strain himself," she assured.

I just agreed, not wanting to question it, "Okay, fine."

Lewy got in a wheel chair that was large enough for Benji to get in too. The nurse only giggled when they were together in the chair; I followed beside them, heading into the elevator and down to the lobby. She led the way to the ER waiting room; Lee was there, on his phone and was surprised to see us.

Benji got out the chair and rushed over, "Papa!"

Lee smiled, still on his phone and picked Benji up; the nurse helped Lewy up; he had his arm in a dark blue sling; his cast was a neon green color. He sat down in a seat and then the nurse said her goodbyes and wheeled the chair away; I thanked her. Lee got off the phone, sat with Benji next to Lewy; I went over sitting beside Lewy.

"That was the police," Lee told us, "I asked them if I could go to your house to pick up some things, but they said not until the day after tomorrow. They're still investigating the sight and then I have to hire someone to clean up the mess."

"What're they looking for?" I asked; I thought about what Lewy had said.

"They won't say. It should be open and shut, right?" He shook his head and sighed.

"What's been going on? Anything new with Naomi?"

He smiled then, "Yeah, her blood transfusion went fine, they managed to stop the internal bleeding, and now they're working on her knee. They said she was up for a few minutes."

Benji and Lewy smiled; as did I, "Did she say anything?"

"No, she was just thirsty and then they immediately went in to fix her shattered kneecap."

I grimaced at the thought; "So, she'll make a full recovery?"

Lee looked joyous, "Yeah. I just can't wait to see her."

The boys were excited, I was nervous. I don't get why, but I just couldn't wait to see her. I couldn't wait to hug and kiss her.


Even with the excitement of seeing Naomi, I had to take the boys home. Lee said he'd call me when the doctor would tell him anything. When I got home, I was surprised to see Patrick, my brother and sister in the dining room drinking coffee and talking.

Benji jumped excitedly, "Auntie Hilary! Uncle Andy!"

They all stood up and hugged the boys; I was still in some sort of daze. I was excited, I felt relieved, that world of pressure fell off my shoulders. Patrick came over and hugged me; "You alright, man?"

"Yeah," I patted his back, "she's okay."

"Naomi's okay?" He asked, unsure.

"Yeah," we parted, "she's good. She's going through surgery for her knee. Other than that, she's okay."

Hilary had tears brimming, "Really? When can we see her?"

"I dunno. Lee's waiting there for the doctor to give him any info. He said he'd call."

Everyone looked just as relieved as I felt. They turned their attention on the boys; me, I slipped away, heading off to the bathroom and letting myself become undone. I cried like a baby, nearly laughing at it all; I was sad, happy; excited and worried. I missed her and I was a wreck of nerves. I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager.