Without You, I'm Just Me

The press had gone away. The beefed up security too. The only thing stopping me from seeing Naomi was Naomi herself.

Lee had given me her room number so I didn't have to ask. It didn't take me long to find it.

I opened the door; it was dark, except sliver of lights from the drawn blinds; no TV, nothing. I went into her room, seeing her there, lying on her back, with her head turned away; her leg was elevated. If I was gonna try and talk to her, now would be the time, because she wouldn't have time to call security on me so quickly.

"Naomi?"

After a few seconds, she exhaled deeply, speaking flatly, "I said no visitors."

"It's just me...I'm only gonna stay for a second, I just wanna talk--see how you are," I walked in, turning on the overhead light above her bed.

She didn't move; "There's nothing to talk about. I'm just fine; turn that light off."

Naomi's hair was cut just below her earlobes. It was cropped, uneven; there was stitches on the side of her neck, and deep purple bruises. I could see superficial cuts on her cheek.

"I'm sorry I left," I got closer, to see her.

"Get out," she snapped, "now!"

Her voice was raspy.

"I just--we've been dying to see you."

"I don't want to see you."

Naomi was making this hard.

"We miss you, you know."

"I don't care," she pulled the blanket over her head.

"Navy, please--"

"Don't call me that."

"I'm sorry. I just, I...I miss you. I've been--we've been worried and we want to see you."

"I should've died," she mumbled.

"Naomi--"

Her sheet slipped down, "He said he was going to kill me. He was gonna kill me, then Lewy and then Benji. If my dad showed up, he was gonna kill him too."

I didn't have anything to say.

"He cut me. Deep. In my face, my stomach, my neck. He tortured me for an hour because I needed to learn a lesson. He cut my hair because he was going to make my outside look like my insides; he said I was ugly and deserved to die."

"I'm sorry. I...there's nothing--"

"I can't sleep and I can't eat. I killed him and I feel sick and guilty. I want to die and I want to be alone."

"Naomi, you aren't--"

She cut me off, "Please leave, Pete. Just leave me the hell alone."

"I wanna help."

She finally looked at me, "Take Lewis and Benji and go away. I don't want kids anymore, all I've done is ruin their lives."

Her face had scratches, cuts; one across her chin that was stitched, along with two down her right cheek and over her right eye brow. Her lips were chapped, slit, she had light bruises all over her jaw and neck. Her neck had cuts too, scabbed over; even more bruises along her collar bone.

I furrowed my brow to her words; "I'm not gonna do that."

"You won't have a choice," again, she spoke flatly.

"Why?"

"Because."

"What're you talking about?"

Naomi just shook her head, "Just be smart and take them...I'm a fuckin' terrible person. I really wish I was dead."

"Don't say that shit--"

Naomi pressed the nurse call button; "Are you okay Naomi? a nurse asked.

"Can someone escort my visitor out please? I think he forgot how to leave," she wouldn't look at me.

"I'll be right down."

I shut my eyes a moment, "Navy, please, I just wanna help. I love you."

"Go away," she mumbled.

The nurse came into the room, "Sir, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave now."

I sighed, taking one last look at Naomi, "You can't hide forever...the kids need to see you."

She didn't respond, she just shifted more onto her left side. I followed the nurse out; "Is she okay?"

"We just started putting her on anti-depressants; they take 6 weeks to kick in. I think she'll be fine," the nurse said softly, "we check in on her, no need to worry."

"Can I bring our kids?"

"No, she specifically said no one, especially her kids and sister. Her father comes and she doesn't talk to him much...I feel for her..." She trailed and then shook her head.

"Has anyone been by to see her?"

"Oh yeah," we stopped by the nurses' station, "but she refused to see them; ya see, since Naomi had told us that she didn't want visitors, they have to come see us to see if she wants to see them, but everyday, she says no."

"Who comes?"

The nurse tweaked her lips, "A guy named Ricky, a few females, mostly her dad, and he just goes right in whether or not she wants to see him."

I licked my lips, "You take care of her? Like, everyone else? Please, that girl means the world to me."

She smiled and nodded, "We are."

"Thanks," I said.

"Don't worry," she patted my shoulder.


I didn't go to my parents right away; I went by the house. Lee was outside with some movers. He looked like he had everything under control; I parked and walked up, "Hey, need help?"

"Nah, we got it," Lee said. "Did you see her?"

I nodded, "She kicked me out."

"Sorry, Pete. They had a psychologist talk to her earlier, they put her on anti-depressants."

"Yeah, the nurse told me. Do you want me to find a place?"

"I found one," Lee went into his back pocket, pulling out a folded paper, "It's one I built a few tears back, it's right by Harper school. It's got 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, big backyard, a pool. It's great, I think Naomi'll like it."

"Is she selling this place?"

"Yeah, I just put up the listing a few hours ago. They got the blood off the walls, but they had to pull up the carpet. It doesn't look too bad."

"How are you?" I asked him.

He shrugged, "I'm okay. I'm happy that she's up, I can breathe properly."

"I know what you mean."

"Where're the boys?"

"They're with my brother and sister. I'm gonna go home right now."

"I'll come by later to see them...after I see Naomi. I'm tryna get her to see them."

"Yeah, I told her that they wanted to see her."

"She feels guilty," Lee murmured; the movers walked around us, "I told her she has no reason to feel guilty, he was gonna kill her."

"Maybe she'll feel better soon. When will she be released?"

"Not for awhile, they want to watch her knee. Once it's healed, she'll go to rehab to work it out, and then she'll be good. It's gonna be a long way to recovery."

"Whatever you need, Lee, I'll be happy to help."

"Thanks Pete. The only thing I really actually need from you is to help move this stuff in when we get that house."

I nodded, "Sure thing."


The boys' fishes were set up in the living room after the move. Benji was watching them swim and capture the fish food. Lewy was drawing in his cast; I had just given him the liquid pain medication.

Hilary and Andrew were settling in; Hilary's husband was still in New York, and Andrew's girlfriend, Penelope, was with us, getting to know the boys. They went out not too long ago to get Chinese; Hilary was upstairs in her old bedroom putting things away.

Lewy got up from the floor and came over to sit in my lap. I smiled, "What's up?"

"I'm scared."

My smile fell away, "What're you scared of?"

"I won't see mommy no more."

"You will. Mommy is just really sad and she doesn't want you to see her when she's sad."

"But she sees me when I'm sad."

"Yeah, but she's hurt too. She doesn't want you and Benji to be afraid."

"Is she mad?"

"No, she's just sad, Lew. She isn't mad, not at you or Benji."

"She isn't mad coz I couldn't stop him?" He whispered this.

I sighed, looking at him, "Lewis, look at me, buddy," he looked back at me, "You did everything you could, more than any other kid would do, and you got hurt. Mom's not mad coz you couldn't stop Robert, she wasn't even expecting you to help, she didn't want you to get hurt. You couldn't stop him and it's not your fault, do you understand?"

He shook his head, "It's my fault, daddy. I tried really hard!"

I hugged him, seeing how the tears were going to overflow, "I know, Lew, I know. You did a good job, and you shouldn't feel bad or sad about it."

He rested his cheek against my chest, "I want to tell mommy I'm sorry."

I rubbed his back, "You don't have to, you've got nothin' to say sorry about. Mommy knows you were trying to help, she knows that you love her. Right now, all she wants is to get better before you guys see her."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure, Lew."

Lewy took that and rested against me; not long after, Benji joined us on the couch, crawling into my lap too. The both of then fell asleep, it seems like that's all we have been doing lately.


Another day passed, Naomi was still refusing to see us. Lee went and saw her, and he came over to see the boys and me. The two of us were sort of cool now, no more resentment or any kind of hostile feelings.

When he came over, he took me and the boys to see the house he was talking about. It was nice and upon seeing it, I put an offer on it, much to Lee's surprise. It would be a cool place to live and to bring Naomi home to.

The realtor showed us around; Benji was excited to see the pool and Lewy liked the rooms. Two rooms were separated by a bathroom, and the last two were in the back of the house. There was a carpeted basement, an attic and the kitchen was huge. I wanted this place the more and more I saw it. In the master bedroom there was a open ceiling with a window; you could see the rain coming down, I knew Naomi would love it.