Without You, I'm Just Me

I got the house. Lee had said he'd pay me back with the sales from Naomi's house, but I told him not to; that money should be saved for Naomi and her recovery. It had been a week from the last time I saw Naomi, and Lee told me she was just sad and tired, but the medication should help soon.

It wasn't soon enough.

I woke up to my mom shaking me. I stirred as she called my name frantically, "Pete, wake up! Pete, get up, now!"

"Hmm?" I sat up, rubbing eyes. "What? Where're the kids?"

"Your dad has them downstairs," she swallowed, her eyes widened, dilated, she was scared, "Lee just called me...there was an incident at the hospital."

I sat up, "What happened? Is Naomi okay?"

My mom nodded, "It was bad, Pete, she tried to kill herself."

My jaw dropped, I was speechless.

"Lee was crying, it must be bad. He said she's alive, but not much else."

"How? How's she do it?" Was the first thing I could say.

My mom shook her head, "I dunno, I...he just called."

I got up, scrambling to gather my clothes, "I have to go see her, I have to--"

My mom stopped me, "No, no, honey, you can't."

"I need to--"

"Pete, I know that's gonna be tough, but you can't see her. Remember when it was you? You can't see her for awhile."

I slowly sat back on the bed and placed my palms against my face. It felt like my entire life was crashing around me; my stomach dropped and my eyes burned from the tears threatening to fall. I ran my hands through my hair now, letting the tears fall; "Oh my God."

"Oh, honey," my mom wrapped her arms around me, "it's okay. I'm...I'm sorry, this'll be okay."

"I don't want her to leave me," I found myself sobbing.

"She's not, Pete, she's alive."

I buried my face against my mom's chest and cried. I haven't cried like that in years. Probably over a decade. I can't even remember when I had. I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I wanna kill him," I muttered through my tears. "I wanna fucking kill Rob myself."

"It's okay, Pete. Naomi'll be fine."

I shook my head; my mom and me parted from one another; I looked up at her, seeing that she had tears in her eyes, too. "How're the boys?"

"We didn't tell them," she sighed, "how do we tell little boys that their mother tried to commit suicide?"

I rubbed my eyes, "How's Benny?"

"He's upset, he misses his mommy," my mom sat on the other double bed and frowned, "poor baby...he loves her so much. Lewy misses her too, but Benji is more attached to her."

"It's probably been the longest he's been without her."

"I think so, too...2 weeks is a long time."

The past 2 weeks, Benji had felt sad, he needed Naomi. It was hard to keep making excuses, Naomi just couldn't see them. It made me want to just shove them in her face and tell her she has a reason to live.

But, I know that feeling. I know the feeling of having nothing left, even after Lewis was born. Depression isn't something that goes away so easily, even with medication. The anxiety and anger and sadness consumes and it pulls you down into a dark abyss. I know exactly how Naomi is feeling and I wanted to see her.

"I'm gonna call Lee," I said as I stood, "I'm gonna...I don't know."

"Don't do anything erratic, Pete," my mom stood too, patting my back, "maybe moving things into the new house will be good. It'll help you and the boys take your mind off things."

"Yeah. First, I have to call Lee."

My mom gave an approving nod and left the room. I rubbed my face, scratched my head and headed into the bathroom.


We had had the house painted a few days before; Benji and Lewy's rooms were painted their favorite colors. Benji's was sea foam green and Lewy's was a bright red color. The bedroom was painted dark purple for Naomi; I knew she loved that color.

The boys helped me move things in; the 3 of us setting everything where we wanted it. I put glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs on the ceiling for Benji and hung up Lewy's favorite pictures and we put clothes away. I made beds and began to set up the living room; the boys helped me by putting away the movies and CDs. We were all busy and letting the day slip away; I couldn't think about what Lee told me.

Naomi hadn't been taking her depression meds, she had been saving them, hiding them somewhere. She had nearly 50 pills, swallowed them all. A nurse found her just in time, right when Naomi was supposed to have an x-ray done. They had to pump her stomach and then they put her in isolation, to recover and calm down. Last Lee told me she was asleep, and that had been 4 hours before.

He had cried and could barely speak and I felt like hell. I was nervous and scared and thanking God that the nurse found her. If she had died, I don't think--I don't know how the hell I'd live. I wouldn't know how to tell my sons that their mother was gone. How would I be able to do that?

I wouldn't have to now, but who knows? Who knows how she'll be once she's released. I can't keep an eye on her 24/7 and I understand the pain and sadness, so I would sympathize about wanting to end it all. You drown in that shit, you can't live and breathe with your head down below the crushing pressure of depression. I know all about that.


Lewy had seen on TV that Naomi had tried to kill herself. Those were the words he used when he confronted us; "Why did mommy try 'nd kill herself? What did we do?"

That was hard. It wasn't an easy answer.

"Where'd you hear that?" Amy had asked him.

"On TV!" He shouted, "Is my mom dead?!"

Benji immediately began to cry and I picked him up; Lee got Lewy and spoke frantically, but firmly, "Hey, no, she's not dead. Benji, your mom is fine, stop cryin'. Lewis, your mom isn't dead."

"Then why did the TV say that?" He murmured.

Benji whined against my chest, "I wanna see mommy!"

Amy began to explain, "Your mom wasn't...she's not feeling good, kids."

"I want to see her," Lewy demanded, "now."

Lee nodded, "Okay. Okay, I'll call and see if you can see her. Don't believe the TV, okay? Mommy isn't dead."

I carried Benny off to Naomi's bedroom, where the boys slept when they stayed over. He hugged me tight, "I miss'er," he cried.

"I know, Benny, I miss her too."

Benji stopped crying after awhile and fell asleep. I laid him on the bed, placing his favorite blanket over him. I sat at the edge for a moment, trying not to cry. My stomach was in knots and my heart was breaking. It broke for my kids and Naomi, and how the hell we were supposed to get over this mess.


Before I left Naomi's parents, Lee told us Naomi agreed to see us under one condition and I didn't know what the condition was. Lee wouldn't indulge; I think he said it without thinking. But none of us bothered him about it; we went home, it wasn't late, the boys wanted to see their fish and to play.

When I got there, I was curious as to why a car was parked out on the curb in front of our house. Benji asked, "Who's that?"

"I dunno," I answered.

I parked in the driveway and got the boys out. I carried Benji, Lewy led the way, but he stopped at the front of the pathway, "Um, daddy."

I caught up and stopped when I saw Babette standing there. She looked older than I remembered, she had gained a little weight and her hair was really long and shiny. She smiled softly and made her way from the front door, "Hi."

Benji waved, "Hi."

Babette waved at me, "Pete? Cat got your tongue?"

I shifted Benji on my hip, "What-what're you doin' here?"

Her smile slipped away, "I came to see how Naomi was. Her old address said she wasn't living there and Eric told me the new house Lee was looking at. I just decided to see if this was the right one, and it is."

"Naomi's sick," I said, making my way around her, "C'mon Lew."

"Wait," she said, as I pulled my keys out, "is she in the hospital?"

I unlocked the door, I didn't look back at her, "Yeah. Little dudes, go inside, take your shoes off right here and take your coats off. I'll be right in."

The boys listened, going in. I shut the door and turned to Babette, "Naomi's sick, Babette."

"Could--can I visit her?"

I shook my head, "No. She won't even see our kids."

Her brows shot up, "Seriously?"

"Yeah. And why would she want you to visit anyway? You just dropped her like nothing--"

She got angry, cutting me off, "Hey, you started all that shit!"

"I'm not the one who has been tryna get in Kate's pants! I'm not the one who went and told Naomi that I slept with her! I'm not the one who chose to just stop talking to her because this all nearly ruined your quickie wedding!"

Babette coiled back. She had nothing to say.

"You wanna try visiting her, go ahead, she'll turn you away. She's not in a good way right now, she's not herself, she almost died."

Babette looked down, threading her fingers through her hair, "I want to apologize."

"Good luck," I muttered, turning back.

"That whole thing was more than half of your fault, Pete!"

I turned back, "Even so, I never turned my back on my so-called best friend."

I went into the house, shut and locked the door behind me. I shook my head and found the boys waiting for me by the couch. Benji spoke up, "Who was that lady?"

"That was an old friend of mommy's," I answered, "she just wanted to say hi."

I sat on the couch with them, letting them pile in my lap. I chuckled, feeling happy and tired with my kids there. Despite Babette's visit, I was happy that we'd all be seeing Naomi soon. I couldn't wait for her to see them, give her something to look forward. I also wanted the boys to know that she was here, that she wasn't dead and she loved them.

That's all we needed.