Without You, I'm Just Me

My mind was filled with seeing Naomi. It was all I had to get through the night and then morning. Benji and Lewy were excited to see her and could barely sleep the night before. In the morning I gave them baths and then dressed them; they ate and then we went over to her parents.

We all gathered to leave, but Amy stopped me. I stayed back as she took my hand and opened my fingers, "Here, Naomi would want this."

She dropped something hard in my hand, but closed my palm before I could see. But feeling it on my skin, I already knew what it was. I smiled, "Thanks."

"No problem," Amy patted my cheek.

I followed out, placing it in my pocket and got into the car. We were driving Naomi's car instead of Lee's truck. He had said he needed a little break from driving and I was happy to drive for him. It gave me time to keep my mind from drifting too far. Of course, I was wrong.

The whole thing with Babette had left my mind, but came back once I was near the hospital. I thought about the fact that Babette probably tried to see Naomi and got turned away. It made me conflicted; they had been best friends but Naomi didn't deserve a friend like Babette.

I shook away the thoughts as we arrived, getting the nurse's permission to see Naomi. She was in a new recovery room, Lee seemed to know where to go. He was acting a little off, he had been quiet the entire ride and now, his arms were crossed over his chest.

We stopped at a door, he knocked and then he opened the door. Benji ran in front of him and into the room, "Mommy?"

Lewy was next to rush in, Lee and then myself. I could hear her say, "Hey babies. I missed you," her voice was raspy and soft. "Where's daddy?"

"Ov'a there," Benji said.

I couldn't see due to the curtain separating one side of the room leading to her bed. But once she came into sight, I felt a million times better. She looked better; there stitches were gone and were just bandaged now. Her neck was only light bruised now and her hair was still short, but it was cut evenly. I was at a loss for words, I just stood by and kept my mouth shut.

The boys had climbed in chairs, Benji was on the bed beside her and Lewy was kneeling on a chair beside her bed. Lee exhaled, "I brought it."

"I wanna see it," she said; then she looked at me, "Hi Pete."

"Hey Navy," I swallowed, my throat grew tight.

"You okay?" Her brow furrowed, she looked genuinely worried.

"Yeah, I'm good," I breathed and smiled, "you look great. How's your knee?"

"My legs look like Chewbacca right now. I really wanna shave."

Benji giggled, "C'n I see?"

"No way," Naomi joked, smiling, "It hurts."

I barely noticed Lee opening his coat. All attention turned towards him when he said, "Here."

Naomi looked over, as did we, and her eyes went wide, "Oh wow. Look at it."

It was her hair in a large ziplock bag. Her hair had been really long, it had been down near her elbows. In the bag, it looked like a wig, a ponytail keeping it together, it had even curled at the end and you could see how unevenly cut it was at one end.

"Mommy, that's your hair?" Lewy asked.

"Yeah," she nodded slowly, "I want to keep it."

"For what?" I nearly exclaimed.

"Because I want to," she said simply.

Lee handed her hair to her and she looked at it. She opened the ziplock bag and pulled her hair out and she touched it. You could see the sadness in her eyes, her fingers threading through it. She definitely looked so much different with short hair, but you didn't notice it much until her hair was lopped off and dangling in front of you.

"It smells like you," Benji touch it.

Naomi touched her short hair, "God, I miss it."

"It'll grow back," I said quietly.

Lee cleared his throat, obviously changing the subject, "Did you eat?"

Naomi out her hair back in the ziplock bag, "No. I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat," he told her, "I'm gonna go down and get you something, I need coffee."

Naomi sighed with annoyance, "Okay, dad."

"Boys," he said, "come with me so we can get something for your mom."

The boys slowly followed Lee, they left the room without any word. I looked back at Naomi, letting my head speak, "So the suicide attempt was what you meant by I wouldn't have a choice but to take them?"

Naomi nodded, speaking bluntly, "Yeah."

"Why?" I asked. "I know that life is fucked up but--"

Naomi stopped me, "I killed someone, Pete. I shot someone and I feel guilty. I messed up our kids' lives, that's why I tried to kill myself. All I've ever done wasn't for them, I was selfish and they don't need a person like me in their life."

"You're wrong you know," I sat on the edge of her hospital bed, "they love you so damn much, you're just not around to see it. When you get home, you'll see they won't want to be without you."

She shook her head, "I don't want to do this life shit no more. I'm really tired, Pete, I am. I don't know how my body even revived itself during the surgery to get the bullet out. I died, did you know that? They brought me back and I cried and told then they weren't allowed to do that if I died again."

"Naomi," my throat tightened, "you--you don't know--"

"I do know what I'm doing. I'm done, Pete. I'm tired of this place and I'm tired of trying to make things right and end up getting a million wrongs. I just want to give everyone peace, I want peace."

"We don't want peace," I snapped at her, "we want to be burdened with you. We love you, we want you here."

She just sighed, shaking her head. Her fingers came up and touched her hair. The tears rolled down her cheeks, "Why me?" She asked with a thick tone of voice.

"I don't know," I answered softly, "I don't know, Navy."

She swallowed and rested back against the pillow, "I'm so tired. Really, really tired. I can't even sleep without some medication."

I leaned over and kissed her, "I'm so sorry."

I rubbed away her tears and reached into my pocket. Naomi let out a tight sob and sniffed. I grabbed her hand gently, minding the IV stuck in a thick blue vein in her hand.

"Look, Amy gave me this to give you," I said. "I still want to marry you."

I slipped the ring on her finger, causing her to let out another sob. I kissed her forehead and then watched her, gazing her reaction. She looked at the ring, "He took it off of my hand," she said, "I had told Lewy to get it from his pocket after I shot him."

"You were in and out of it?"

She nodded, "One second I was good--I was fine, the next I was in a dark hole, swearing to God I was dead."

"You're here now and you're gonna be okay."

Naomi shut her eyes, "I'll never be okay."

I kissed her again, and again, "I love you anyway. No matter the hell we go through, I'll always be here for you."

"I know," she opened her eyes. "Despite everything, I missed you. I missed Lewy and I missed Benji. I...I really am tired, but I want to be with you guys."

I smiled, "Thats what I wanna hear."

Naomi's lips turned up just a bit. But her face lit up when she heard Benji come in, "I gets ya chips!" He said as he marched over.

"Aw, Benny Boy, that's so sweet."

I picked him up and sat him beside her. I sat Lewy on her bed too. "I got chocolate milk," he told her, "want some?"

"I'd love some," she said, smiling at him.

I looked at Lee; he looked happy and relieved. He sat down and drank his coffee. I exhaled and sat in the other chair; we watched Naomi interact with the boys while they told her about everything they did while she was gone.

The visit was pretty good, the boys were happy by the time Naomi was to have her knee examined. We had to take them home, much to their dismay. They hated to leave, but Naomi promised they could come see her the next day. I agreed to bring them by. They relented, hugging and kissing her; I kissed her too, fingering the tip of her wavy little ends of her hair. Lee had nudged me, and I chuckled, "See ya, Navy."

She waved her fingers, "I love you guys."

"Love you too!" Both Benji and Lewy exclaimed.

I too was dreading the leave. I missed her and seeing her so happy rejuvenated me. My feelings for her grew stronger, and I more than wanted her home with us.