Without You, I'm Just Me

The day passed easily, smoothly. I was better about seeing Naomi and how much better she looked. I was hoping I got through to her, maybe she changed her mind about wanting to harm herself.

There was so much I wanted to tell her that I didn't get to. I didn't want to interrupt the boys first time seeing her since the whole incident. They were excited and I wouldn't cut into that just to spill my guts to her.

I had told Patrick that I had seen Naomi, but I wasn't sure if she'd see anyone else. I didn't want her to become overwhelmed with people wanting to visit her. So, when I took the boys to see her the next day, I asked her, "Would you be okay if Patrick came to see you?"

Naomi was hesitant, biting her lip, "Y'know...I dunno. I don't--no. I'm sorry," she shook her head, "I just don't want anyone to see me like this."

Benji had been sitting close beside her, Lewy was at the end of the bed; they both looked at her. Benji made a face, "You looks pretty!"

They must've heard the disgust in her voice. She smiled softly, "Thank you, Benny, but I don't look like I used to, remember?"

He nodded, "Yeah, but ya still pretty, mommy."

Naomi kissed his head.

"You don't have to say yes," I said, "it's cool, he'll understand."

Naomi sighed, "One day."

I nodded, agreeing with her.

"What about your friend with the blonde hair?" Lewy asked.

Naomi raised a brow, "Ms. Fox from school?"

Lewy shook his head, then he looked to me, "No. Daddy, 'member? That lady that was at our house the oth'a day."

I exhaled, "Oh. Uh, he means Babette."

Naomi's brows shot up, "Babette?"

"Yeah, she came over to the new house. She wanted to see you, I think she wants to apologize."

Naomi blinked, "4 years is a long time."

"She just asked if you were okay," I added, "I told her you weren't seeing anyone."

Naomi was silent for a moment, "Why does she wanna see me now?"

"I don't know. Maybe she feels bad?" I offered.

"I don't care," Naomi mumbled. "I don't need her."

It was her decision who to keep in and out of her life. I didn't say a word against it, because if I was in her shoes, I wouldn't talk to Babette either. But if Naomi ended up talking to her again, I wouldn't hold it against her.

I changed the subject "How do you feel today?" I asked her.

She shrugged, "Good. I'm not cranky today."

The boys giggled and I smiled at her. Benji nuzzled into her, "When is you comin' home?"

"I have a lot of stuff to do before I can go home, baby. I'm sorry, I wish I could go home today."

"'Is your leg, mommy?"

"Yeah, my knee has to get better. If it doesn't I can't chase you," she tickled him.

Benji giggled, "Mommy!"

Naomi kissed his head, "You want me to be able to chase you, right?" He nodded. "Then just remember I'm gone here to get better so we can have the best day ever when I get out."

"Is that a long time?" Lewy asked next.

"Um, yeah," she sighed. "I won't be home for Benny's birthday."

Benji frowned, "Aw, man!"

"I'll get you and Lewy lots of presents though, okay? I'll make sure you have a giant cake and that you have a little party at that incredible pizza place."

"But its not fun if you's here," Benji pouted.

I cut in, "Maybe we can have a party here with mommy."

Naomi shook her head, "A hospital is not a place for a little dude to spend his 4th birthday."

"But I wanna!" Benji said excitedly. "My birf-day is soon?"

Naomi smiled, "In 15 days; 2 weeks."

"I wanna be here!" He said happily, "Please, mommy?"

Naomi hummed, "You really wanna be here and not have a party?"

"Yeah-uh! I wants cake and presents with you!"

Naomi's face twisted in sadness. She pouted and pulled Benji to her to hug him. He hugged her, resting his chest on her shoulder; "Oh, I could eat you up, I love you so."

Lewy giggled, Naomi waved him over, "I want you to hug me too, Bubba."

He crawled over and hugged her. Naomi kissed their heads. I quickly snapped a picture, knowing I had have to share it on Twitter. Naomi looked so utterly happy and it was something that had to be shared and known.


A week went by, as usual, things were good. Naomi was a lot happier, but she had her moments of sadness. I visited her everyday with the boys, this week though, it was after they returned to school. The school was understanding of everything and made sure no one brought up the whole incident. Benji and Lewy were a lot happier at school and came home happy.

Lewy's cast was switched to a new one to help heal, and was wrapped to his elbow. Naomi had drawn little things on it for him, in between the things his friends had drawn and written. He spent the majority of his time looking at the art on his wrist and arm.

"I have tattoos!" He exclaimed to Naomi, "Like you and daddy!"

"I wan' tad-doos!" Benji whined.

Naomi grabbed the nontoxic washable markers and began to draw on Benji's arm. This visit was nice and quiet, Naomi had a small smile on her face as she drew on his arm. "What do you want on your arms, Mr. Tattoo?"

Benji giggled, "Aliens! Spay-sss-hips!"

She nodded, "Spaceships it is, babe."

I watched her, smiling myself. She finished drawing and turned to me, "I think I'm gonna get Sally or Lock, Shock and Barrel on me somewhere."

"Why?"

"I dunno. You guys kinda remind me of the 3 of them. And, I wanna match you with Sally."

I laughed, "For real?"

"Yeah, but I know I'll actually have it finished before you ever get yours finished."

"It hurts," I whined.

She giggled, "Not that bad."

"I can't compare," I started, "you've given birth, so you can handle pain."

Her smile faded a bit. I knew she must've been thinking about everything. She began to put the markers away while the boys talk in their secret language.

"The police are coming to interview me tomorrow..." She trailed, "Will you be here with me? Just you?"

"If you want," I said with a shrug.

"I really want you here."

"How come?" I asked curiously.

She exhaled through her nose deeply, "Because I think it'll be easier. Plus, I really want you here. You can bring the boys in the morning, then drop them off with my dad and come back. Please?"

"Sure, Navy, if that's what you want."

She smiled softly, "I really need you."

I leaned over and kissed her forehead, "I'll be here, baby."

The rest of the visit was the same, everything was fine. We said goodnight to Naomi and went home. The support I received from friends and fans made it easier to go home and sleep without her. Having encouragement and support made all the difference, I don't think I could've made it without some sort of push. The boys were the biggest part, but at times I didn't think I could do it. People telling me how good I was doing under the circumstances was encouraging. I was doing great, as was Naomi.


The following day, early Saturday morning, I took the boys to see Naomi. The visit went by typically, but you could see Naomi was nervous. It was hard to believe she was nervous about talking to the police, but I understood how intimidating it was. I understood her nervousness, we all had been there. I held her hand and kissed her, letting her know I was there for her.

After I dropped the boys off, I returned to the hospital. Naomi was eating a late lunch, and smiled when I came in. "They'll be here soon."

"What if they want me to leave?"

"I'll tell them that I want you to stay," she answered.

"Why are you nervous?" I asked curiously.

"I have a feeling they aren't gonna believe me shooting him in self defense--"

I cut her off, "They'd have to be blind, Navy."

"Pete," she exhaled, "they'll probably think I provoked him with the whole case--his slap on the wrist and had him come over, smack me around only so I could shoot him dead. I'm not stupid."

"I doubt it."

"I don't. Part of the reason I tried to kill myself is because of that. If they believe I premeditated killing Rob, then I'll go to prison, and then the boys'll lose me again," she confessed tiredly.

"You won't go to prison, I promise."

She sighed, "I hope you're right."