Without You, I'm Just Me

Naomi was up early the next morning moving around like a woman on a mission. She cleaned up, she was busy getting the boys ready, she washed the dishes and was teaching Benji how to feed the fish and how to slip his shoes on without untying them. I smiled at her telling him like it was a secret.

"It's a special secret," she whispered.

They were on the floor beside the bed, Naomi had her hair up in a bun atop of her head, dressed down. Benji had his favorite Angry Birds beanie on. His favorite bird, the black bomb, which Naomi had bought him a few months back to get over the fact that she was in the hospital.

"Does Lewy know it?" He asked her.

"No, because I taught him how to tie his shoes," Naomi smiled, "so this is our secret. It's easy and fast, and you don't have to ask daddy or anyone to help tie your shoes."

"What if they comes loose?"

Naomi hummed; I leaned over and watched them. "Then you ask daddy to help."

He nodded, "'Kay."

"Okay, you slip your foot in," she showed him with her own shoe. "Hold the back, and wiggle your foot in."

Benji giggled, "Thas easy!"

"Yep," Naomi replied happily. "And, remember left and right?"

He nodded, lifted his hand, "Thumbs go with the tippy part!"

"Yes! Good job, Benny."

Naomi put his shoes on and then helped him stand in front of her. She fixed his clothes, looked him over and smiled at him. Naomi kissed his cheek, "I love you, Benny."

"I love you, mommy."

I sat up, knowing one of them was about to start crying. "Hey, what time is it?"

Naomi sniffed, "It's 7:30."

I climbed out of bed, running my hand over my face as Naomi told Benji to go make sure Lewy wasn't asleep while he was supposed to be getting ready. We were alone after he rushed off, "How long have you been up, Navy?"

"Since 6. Benji woke me up, he wanted chocolate milk."

Naomi stood, only to come and sit in my lap, I smiled at her, wrapping my arms around her middle. She pressed her forehead against my temple and kissed the apple of my cheek, "I'm trying so hard to keep from crying."

I turned my head carefully, to kiss her, "It's okay."

"Benji cried," she murmured, "he asked if he could come with me."

"And what'd you tell him?"

"That where I'm going is no place for a little sweetheart like him. He still cried...I feel so bad."

I didn't know what to say. I lacked words nowadays.

Naomi climbed off me, lent out her hand to me, "C'mon, we have to get them breakfast."


Naomi took the boys into school while I waited in the car. They each held one of her hands, both had been upset, knowing that this day would be one of the last they'd see of Naomi for awhile. Naomi had to hold back from crying, she was strong, if I were in her shoes, I would've broken down and cried and begged God to be with them.

I know Naomi, and as much as this was killing her, she knew it had to be done. The faster she got through it, the faster she'd get home to us. I can't imagine how she must be feeling.

Naomi returned to the car, nearly bawling her eyes out. Her face was in her hands and she was sobbing so hard. I leaned over and hugged her, her hands dropped and wrapped around me. I kissed her forehead, whispering softly to her, that she'd be okay. Naomi had shaken her head, "I don't care about me, I care about my babies."

I exhaled and kissed her head again. We parted and I quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks. My heart was cracking, breaking achingly inside of my chest. I could barely look at her because the sight of her tears was killing me. I wish this wasn't happening.

"My dad's waiting," Naomi whispered.

I nodded shortly and started the car, following the cars out of the parking lot.

Naomi was quiet, rubbing her eyes as I drove. I would look over at her every so often, and see how deep in thought she was. When we got to her parents house, she stayed in the car for a second, inhaling and then exhaling deeply. We both walked up to the house, her hand in mine, without a word. Naomi opened the door first and called out, "Dad, mom?"

"In here," Amy called back.

Naomi let my hand go, looking back at me gesturing me to follow. We went into the living room and found her dad looking for his keys. The tension and sadness was lifted by her dad's low grumbles about the keys.

"Dad," Naomi said with a small huckle, "they're over there."

Lee looked up, turned and saw Amy holding Lee's keys in her hand. Naomi went over, as soon as Lee had his keys, and hugged Amy. Amy was on the verge of tears immediately; "I'm gonna miss you honey."

"I know," Naomi said, her voice thick. "It'll be okay. It'll be okay."

My stomach was in knots as they cried together. Lee exhaled and looked over at me, "How're the boys?"

"They're okay," I answered. "But uh, you know, Benny ain't takin' it so well."

Lee gave a small nod, "I wouldn't expect him to...he's attached to Naomi."

Naomi had stepped over, "Well...it's 8:45...at 9:30 I've got to turn myself in."

My stomach was sick. I prayed in my head that this wasn't happening. Naomi's cheeks were stained and all I could do was hug her. I love her more than I love myself and I would gladly switch places with her. I wanted to anchor her to me and keep her hidden from all the harm she'd have to go through.

"We should go," she whispered against the shell of my ear.

"I don't want you to," I mumbled.

Naomi giggled, "Yeah, but we have to, baby."

"I guess so."

Naomi pulled back, her hands cupped my cheeks and she watched me. Her eyes stared into mine, my heart was beating fast and carving through the bones of my ribcage. She kissed me softly, her thumb rubbed my ear and her fingers scratching the back of my head.

"Don't worry about me," she whispered.

"I can't help it, I will no doubt."

Naomi smiled, "Idiot."

I smiled back, kissing her once again before we had to leave.


Naomi had her dad in a tight hug as we stood inside the lobby of the jail. Naomi had signed in and was saying goodbye to us. Lee was about ready to cry, Naomi was telling him not to.

When they parted, she came over to me, her arms outstretched. I gladly slipped in the space and hugged her for the umpteenth time that morning. I kissed her over and over again.

"I'll call as soon as I can, okay?" She said.

"Yeah, I know, baby."

Our hugged was interrupted by a female officer. Naomi let me go reluctantly, smiling sadly. I held my breath as she waved to us and was led away by the officer.

Lee and I stood there well until after Naomi disappeared behind a heavy beige door. He put his hand on my shoulder, "C'mon, Pete, lets go."

I left with Lee, dragging my feet, hoping it was all a dream. Even when I pinched my arm hard, it still felt unreal. I couldn't believe Naomi was gone, off in jail for 8 months.

I missed her from the moment she was sentenced.