Without You, I'm Just Me

Benji cried the first night Naomi was gone. Then the next day, straight through the morning. He was taking it so hard. Lewy was more reserved and quiet about it. On the third day, Naomi called. It was just after I picked the boys up from school and had gotten Benji to stop crying. I answered, expecting it to be anyone but her, just because I wasn't even thinking. I was exhausted from tending to Benji and trying to calm him down.

The automative voice spoke: "You have a collect call from Cook County Correctional Facility, will you accept the charges?"

"Yes," my heart shot into my throat.

After a second or so, I heard her voice, "Pete?"

I felt my throat tighten, "Navy?"

"Yeah, Pete, it's me," I could hear the sadness in her voice. "I'm sorry I-I, they transferred me to prison."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. It's not as bad as I thought it'd be," she exhaled a laugh.

"What's it like?"

"It's like being at the hospital...only, I'm not in a hospital gown, I'm wearing a green jumpsuit. I was just moved into a cell with someone. Forget about me, how are Benny and Lew?"

"They're...Benji hasn't stopped crying. He's in his room...Lewy's eating," I began to head to Benji's room, "I'll have them talk to you."

"Thank you."

I opened Benji's door and found him where I had left him; lying on his bed with a pillow tucked between his arms and head, facing away from me. "Benny, mommy's on the phone."

Benji shot up, tossing the pillow away. He rushed over to me and reached for my phone, "Gimme! Gimme!"

I smiled and handed him my phone. He sniffed, "Mommy? Mommy is you there? Mommy, I miss you!"

I picked him up and carried him to the living room so Lew could talk too.

Benji held the phone to his ear, keeping it close, "I'm sad...my tummy is sad too...I'm bein' good...Yeah...Can I sleep in your bed?...Can I see you?...Okay...'Kay."

I sat him down and went to get Lewy from the kitchen. He was sitting at the table eating mac-n-cheese and doing his homework, "Lew, mom's on the phone."

Lew looked up, set his pencil down, got up and followed me to the living room. Benji sniffed again, still talking to Naomi like he usually did when she was here. It was always animated and funny.

"Okay...I love you too mommy," Benji handed the phone to Lewy, "Here."

Lewy sat on the couch, "Hi mom...Good...Yeah, uh-huh...I'm okay...I was eating Mac-n-Cheese, daddy made it...Yeah...I'm readin' like you told me to...Uh-huh...I love you mom," Lewy handed me the phone.

I pressed it to my ear and heard her inhale deeply, "You okay, Navy?"

"Yeah," she sniffed, "I'll be okay."

"When can we come see you?" I asked to keep her from crying anymore.

"I sent the papers," she exhaled, "there's a lot of fuckin' rules in there."

"Soon as I get them I'll fill 'em out and turn them in. Do you have everything you need?"

"I do, I'm just fine. I just miss Benji and Lewis. Are they really okay? How was school for them today?"

"Benji's teacher told me he cried through snack time and wouldn't play with the other kids. Lewy," I looked at them as they watched me, "Lew, he was quiet. Mrs. Jackson told me he read all of his books."

She cooed, "Oh, my baby. I'm so proud of him, how come he didn't tell me?"

"I don't know, maybe he just wanted to hear your voice," I offered with a small chuckle.

"I can't wait to see them," she said.

I was ready to speak when the automative voice said "This call will end in 30 seconds."

"Fuck," Naomi muttered. "I'm sorry, they only give us 10 minutes on these things. In a few weeks I'll have unlimited access to a pay-phone."

"It's okay," I murmured.

"I'll call you tomorrow at the same time, this is when the phones are usually free...says my room mate."

"Okay. I'll talk to you soon, baby."

Naomi exhaled again, "I love you."

"I love you too."

The phone call ended and I pulled it away from my ear. I looked at the screen, my background was a picture of Naomi and the boys. I put my phone into my pocket and looked back at the boys, "You guys feel better?"

Lewy nodded, "I do. Mommy sounds sad."

"Yeah, it's because she misses you guys."

Benji outstretched his arms so I could pick him up, I did so, placing him on my hip, "You feel better, Benny?"

"A little," he whispered.

I smiled at him, tickling his side, "Only a little?"

He giggled and nodded, "Yeah."

I kissed his forehead, "How about we go eat Mac-n-cheese and feel a little better?"

"Okay," he said with a small smile.


The boys spent the majority of the next 2 weeks writing letters to Naomi. Everyday Benji wrote her something, or drew her a picture. We were all waiting to get approval to visit her, the process was taking forever. In the mean time, we talked on the phone for a short time every other day, due to the fact that the traffic on the phones was heavy on certain days, but Naomi wrote us, and we got her letters. After almost 4 weeks, and 3 days before Naomi's birthday, we got approved to see her.

I had to read over the guidelines and what was appropriate for us to wear. The past 3 and a half weeks were hell and this just piled on top. Being without Naomi was a hassle, it's hard taking care of 2 kids by myself, especially when everyone was too busy to help, and when Benji was constantly crying and begging to see Naomi or to talk to her on the phone. He had his days where his teacher would tell me to keep him home for a few days so he could get over crying, but that only prolonged to more days missed and more crying. I made sure Benji read though, and that he learned that Naomi wasn't gonna be home for awhile and how he could channel his sadness into his letters.

I put up a calendar for him to keep track of when she'd be getting home. Her release date was May 29th, and Benji would cross off the days and count them, keeping track, but he wouldn't ever remember. He just missed Naomi so much.

Lewy missed her too, but he took it better. He knew she would be back, and he sometimes cried about it, especially when he brought up the fact holidays were coming up. He and Benji slept in our bed with me every night. Lewy was definitely growing up, he was able to do a lot on his own, and helped me calm Benji down. He was even teaching Benji how to tie his shoes, whenever his shoes came untied, even though he stuck to the trick Naomi taught him.

The boys went over to Naomi's parents on the weekends, and we went over to my parents to have dinner. It was definitely a learning process on being a single father, a single parent. I don't give Naomi enough credit.

Whenever we would talk, she would tell me about the other inmates and how she felt terrible for them. She told me she was learning new things, she was learning Italian and wanted to teach the boys sign language, because an inmate was deaf and was teaching her. Naomi was making the best of her situation and I was so proud of her.

Before we were to go see her, we went over to her folks so the boys could visit. Lee was in the garage going over blueprints on a new project. He was moving his company to bigger sites, not just homes anymore, and he was making a lot more money, and he was a lot busier.

I went in after the boys had gone off to play with Abbey. Lee was sitting at a desk, a pencil tucked behind his ear, with his radio on, playing the Smiths. I chuckled, getting his attention, "Hey."

"Hey Mr. V," I waved. "What're you doing?"

"I got hired to add some addition to the W. How have things been?" His gaze turned back to his blueprints and turned his radio down.

"Crazy, you know," I answered. "We're gonna go see Naomi tomorrow."

Lee looked back at me and smiled, "You got approved too?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Benji is really excited."

"How has he been? Is he still crying?"

"Yeah, but I think once he sees her he'll be a little better."

"Ya'know, if you need anything--"

I cut him off, "I know, Mr. V. I've just been tryna get the hang of everything...I never knew how tough it'd be to take care of the boys by myself."

"Naomi did it for a long time," he pointed out, "I still don't know how she did it."

"I know," I agreed. "It's rough, man."

"We'll help, you know, whatever you need."

"Nah, I don't need anything, just sometimes, you know what I mean? I can handle Lew, but Benji is...he's really emotional. I never expected Benji to be so upset."

"They're close," Lee said. "I'm sure Naomi can't wait to see them either. She calls us, when she can, and tells me how much she misses them. She cries a lot."

I frowned, "She hasn't told me that."

"Well, you know Naomi," he said. "She doesn't like to express how she's feeling."

I nodded, "Yeah, I know."

"Tomorrow, things'll be good," Lee smiled encouragingly.

I exhaled, "Yeah...yeah, I hope so."