Without You, I'm Just Me

At the prison, they patted us down and made sure we didn't have anything dangerous on us. All I could bring was some money for food, and my ID. The boys were confused when they patted us down.

But it was all worth it when we went into the visiting room. There were other inmates, just a few with their families. The place smelled like popcorn and hot coffee, there were vending machines, cheap coffee makers and microwaves. Naomi wasn't there yet, an officer sat us at a table, a table that went up to my knees, but fit the boys perfectly. The officer chuckled when I bumped my knees, "It's to make sure no one passes contraband under the table," he walked away after that.

Lewy sat beside me and Benji sat in my lap. He was anxious, asking me every few seconds where she was. I was getting nervous and anxious myself. After a full 5 minutes, the door across the room opened and Naomi appeared. Immediately Benji climbed off my lap and ran over to her, "Mommy!"

I saw Naomi put a hand to her mouth before kneeling and let her arms open for Benji. He launched into her arms, wrapping himself around her. Naomi knelt for a moment, saying something to him before standing and cradling him against her body. She kissed his head repeatedly before making her way over to us. I smiled at the way her little walk was the same, and how happy she looked.

I stood up, watching Lewy go over and hug Naomi's waist, her hand ran across his shoulders and through his hair. She let Benji down, knelt to the both of them and hugged Lewy, "Oh baby boy, I missed you."

"I missed you too," he murmured back to her.

When Naomi parted from him she looked up at me. I smiled at her watching her stand and then open her arms to hug me. I inhaled happily as I hugged her, deeply engrossed in just her, not our surroundings, only for a second.

"I missed you," I murmured against her ear, I could feel my throat tightening.

"I missed you too," she kissed my cheek.

Naomi and I parted, she smiled at me, patted my arm and then we sat. Benji climbed into her lap, and Naomi happily wrapped her arms around him.

"Do you like it here, mommy?" Lewy asked.

"No," she said, "I wish I was home with you guys."

"Are people nice 'ere?" Benji asked. "Abbey says people in 'ere 'rn't nice."

Naomi smiled at him, "They are nice people here, Benny boy. They're nice to me."

"I see you on TV a lot," he said.

Naomi looked at me, "Why?"

I shrugged, "I dunno, I haven't seen you."

Benji got her attention, "The people in TV talk about how ya pretty."

She smiled at him, "Aw, that's sweet."

He snuggled into her, "I miss you, mommy."

She sighed softly, "I know you do. I miss you too."

"How have things been?" I asked her.

She just shrugged, "Not bad...I actually would be okay here if I didn't have Lew and Benny."

"Did you get our pictures?" Lewy asked.

"Yep," she nodded with a smile, "they're hanging up next to my bed so I can see them everyday."

Naomi and the boys talked and ate snacks. It was all turning out like she hadn't been gone at all. Benji even fell asleep in her lap and she rubbed his back and cradled him.

After 4 hours, we had to go, visiting hours were up. Lewy had frowned, but he hugged Naomi. She kissed Benji's face and handed him to me, as he was still asleep. Naomi knelt to Lewy and spoke softly to him, kissing his forehead. All I managed to hear was, "Be a good boy. I'll see you next weekend, okay?"

Lewy nodded and hugged her again, hugging her tight. Naomi had tears in her eyes, as did Lewy. She rubbed away the tears rolling down his cheeks, "I'll call you baby, you know that don't you."

"I want you to come home," he sobbed.

Naomi's own eyes overflowed with tears, she wiped them away. This is when I fully took in her appearance. She wore a dark green top and pants that looked like scrubs with a white shirt underneath. She had on beige sandals, white socks. Her hair was pulled back, her face was pale, without makeup, she looked like she did the day we dropped her off.

"I'll be home before you know it," she told him. "I love you baby, more than anything."

"I love you too mommy."

She pecked his lips and hugged him again, "Take care of Benny."

"I am."

She smiled, "My perfect little man."

She stood up and face me, "I'll call you. Take care of my babies."

I smiled, "I am, babe."

Naomi kissed my cheek and then kissed Benji's head and rubbed his back. An officer came over, "Valentino, lets go."

Naomi inhaled, her eyes welling with tears, "Okay. I'll see you guys soon. I love you."

Lewy waved sadly and then took my hand, "Bye mommy, I love you."

"Love you, Navy."

Naomi watched us leave before she turned and left herself, following the officer. I could see her through glass as we signed out, she was still crying. Hell, I was on the brink of tears too. I wish I could've taken her home with me, I didn't want to wait. I had no choice but to wait, and I hoped it wouldn't kill me.


We sent her birthday and Halloween cards the following week. We talked to her on the phone, the boys sang happy birthday to her. Naomi cried after hearing that, letting it all out. We went and saw her the day before Halloween, and we spent the entire afternoon with her, this time the boys got to color and we talk a lot more. We all lived for the weekends, but days without her were so hard and I couldn't believe how much I missed her.

I never felt so helpless in my life.

I knew that I had to push through and get over it. As I did, I began to write. I wrote about Naomi, I wrote to her, I wrote little stuff here and there to keep my mind occupied. But the boys seemed to keep my hands full at all times. They're loud and fast and rough, just like me and Andrew had been when we were kids.

Don't get me wrong, I love them, but sometimes it was too much. Benji was always crying and Lewy was bossing him around and he was moody. The only peace I got from them is when Lee came over and took them off my hands.

When I was alone I thought about Naomi constantly, more so than usual. It was sick how much I daydreamed about fucking her and how much I missed her in bed. My palm is all that I have, all that I could have while Naomi was away. I never thought about cheating on her, I was just so sexually frustrated. I had to start sleeping on the couch because I was having wet dreams about her.

I wrote to keep my mind off of that.

For Halloween we went trick 'r' treating with Abbey and Naomi's parents. Abbey was a bumble bee, Lew begged to be a skeleton and Benji wanted to be Iron Man. I had gotten their costumes and took pictures, print them and sent them to Naomi. She had gushed about them when we saw her. She gave me tips on how to draw the skull makeup on Lewy.

As we began our trek through the neighborhood, Lee and Amy made small talk with me. It was a nice, normal night, it was cool but it wasn't too cold. We walked for a couple hours before we all got tired and then we went home.

Once we got inside Lewy dumped his candy on the floor in the living room and began to pick out what he wanted. I made sure he didn't go nuts, Benji put his pumpkin bucket on the table, climbed on the couch and went to sleep. He was having a rough time without Naomi and all he wanted was to sleep, wait for time to pass until Naomi got home. I felt for my little dude, I let him lie on the couch and sat on the floor with Lewy. His skull makeup was a little smudge, but I don't think he cared, he was tired too, but he wanted candy more.

"How about we put the candy away and go to bed?" I offered as I picked up his lime green pumpkin bucket.

"I'm saving some for mommy," he yawned. "So she can have some when she comes home."

I smiled, "Thats nice Lew, but you're tired, aren't you?"

He nodded.

"Okay, then lets put the candy away, wash your face and get to bed."

I helped Lewy put his candy away and then we went to the bathroom. He had his skeleton jumpsuit still on, which would be okay and warm enough to be pajamas. I sat Lewy on the counter, got a towel, dipped it into warm water and cleaned his face. Lewy had smiled at me, "You're like mommy," he said.

"How?" I asked him curiously.

"She washes my face like this."

I smiled back at him, "Yeah, she taught me some stuff. You okay, Lew? You see Dr. Ritter tomorrow, are you gonna talk about mommy?"

He hummed, "Yeah."

I finished cleaning Lewy's face, so I picked him up and carried him off to my and Naomi's bedroom, but he stopped me, "No, daddy, I wanna sleep in my room."

I agreed, turning to the right, going to his bedroom. I turned the light on, set him down and helped him take his shoes off. Lewy exhaled and then yawned, climbing into his bed. His bedroom was themed with Batman stuff; the lamps, the bedding, posters and action figures. Naomi had even managed to get glow-in-the-dark Bat signals for his wall, Lewy had me keep on the light for a few minutes so they would glow when I left him.

I sat beside him on his bed, watching him look at the picture of me and Naomi, the one I given m him. He kept it beside his bed and would look at it sometimes, he was doing it everyday since Naomi left. He lifted the picture and looked at it for a minute before he kissed it.

"You'll be okay sleeping in here by yourself, buddy?" I asked him.

Lewy set the picture back on his bedside table, "Uh-huh. I can do it."

I leaned over, kiss his forehead and then stood, "You need anything before I leave?"

He shook his head, "No."

"Alright. Goodnight buddy."

He yawned, "Night dad."

I turned out his light, seeing the Bat signals glow, and then I slipped out, shutting the door behind me. I returned to the living room to picked up Benji and then I carried him to his bedroom to change his costume. He groaned while I took his costume off, "'M too tired," he mumbled.

"It's okay, go to sleep Benny."

I managed to get his pajamas on and then I took him to my bedroom with me. Once he was under the covers, I took my jeans off and slipped on pajama pants and got in bed. Benji immediately scooted over, wrapped his arms around my arm. I pulled him towards me, letting him lie on my chest, and wrapped my arms around him. He let out a small tired sigh, I rubbed his back, lulling myself to sleep.


Everything was pretty much the same over the next couple of weeks. Thanksgiving came and went, weekends were spent visiting Naomi. We got into the routine of life without her, even though it sucked.

I was starting to take jobs again, but only at local clubs. My parents watched the boys, or Babette or Rae and Ricky offered to watch them. The boys were okay with it, I wasn't so comfortable with it, but I wasn't rich and I couldn't just lie around all day.

I also hated going out and DJing because that scene tempted me a lot. I wanted to get drunk sometimes and sometimes I wanted to pop pills and lose myself for a little while. Whenever I was on the edge of diving off and fucking up, I forced myself to remember my boys and Naomi. It was fucking tough turning all that shit down, but I had no choice. My kids come before all that shit, even if it would help me through missing Naomi.

Somedays I was up and others I was down. I tried to force myself to be happy with my kids, but it wasn't so easy. I was lucky to have Babette offer to keep the boys for a weekend, the second week of December. We weren't be able to see Naomi since the roads to the prison were closed due to snow. I thanked Babette a million times over the phone, and then I told Naomi when she called.

She had said it was okay, but lingered in silence. After a moment, she asked if I was okay. "You don't sound too good."

"I'm...I don't know," I answered. "Things are crazy for me."

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"It's okay, it's my problem, not yours," I told her.

"The boys okay with going to B and Chris'?" She asked.

"Yeah, I asked them, they're excited, they haven't seen Christina in awhile."

"Make sure they're bundled up," Naomi reminded me. "I worry."

I smiled to myself, "Yeah, I am."

"Are they with my dad or your parents?" She asked then.

"Your dad, do you want to call him?"

She hummed, "Yeah...but I really wanted to know how you are Pete."

"I'm okay, Navy. Just..ya'know, it's hard...I never knew how tough it'd be without you."

"You mean being by yourself or taking care of the boys?"

I exhaled, "Both. I don't give you enough credit."

"It's rough, but you have to do it because you love them."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I agreed. "I hate being by myself when they're gone because you're not here, and I worry if they miss me or if Benny's crying."

"Well, you don't have to let B take them," she offered.

I sighed, "I'll think about it. I think I'm overreacting."

"It's okay Pete, I know what you're going through."

"How are you Navy?"

She was silent for a moment, "I don't know...I'm fine, but I...I cry every night."

I was quiet for a moment, "I'm sorry...I wish I could make everything better."

"I just miss you guys," she said softly.

"We miss you too. This'll pass, it's already been 2 and 1/2 months, 5 more to go."

She laughed softly, "Yeah, you're right."

"Do you feel any better?"

"Yeah, I do actually," she hummed. "I'm gonna call the boys now. Thanks for everything," I knew she was smiling on the other end.

I swallowed, "I don't know what else to say except that I miss you and I love you."

She was silent for a moment, "I love and miss you too."

"Have a goodnight, babe."

She giggled, "I will, clever man. Night."

We hung up, I shoved my phone in my pocket, and went to the kitchen to eat something before I went to pick up the boys. I grabbed some grapes from the fridge and headed to the living room, before I could sit, a knock at the door sounded and then the doorbell rang. I groaned, set the grapes on the coffee table and went to the door.

I opened the door, "Yeah--" stopping mid-sentence when I saw Kate standing in front of me.