Without You, I'm Just Me

I stared at her in front of me. She looked older, but pretty much the same. Her hair was down, longer, she wore glossy pink lipgloss and dark eye shadow and thick mascara. She had on a black trench coat that was open to reveal a black dress that went just above her knees, she had on black heeled boots to match.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her.

"I wanted to talk to you," Kate spoke casually, even flipping her hair back. "Can I come in?"

"No," I stated. "What do you want?"

"Why are you acting like a prick?"

"Cuz I don't wanna talk to you. Now, what do you want, Kate?"

Kate shoved my shoulders with the flat of her palms, causing me to stumble back. She came in and shut the door behind her.

"Yo, get out," I snapped at her, regaining my stance.

"Don't be so fucking rude," she crossed her arms over her chest. "I just wanna talk."

"We have absolutely nothin' to talk about. We're not friends, we never were."

Her lips turned up in a wicked, teasing grin, "Pete, we were so much more than that."

"That was a big fucking mistake, it was nothing but stupidity," I spat.

"Hmm, 3 times?"

"Get out," I pointed to the door with a growl.

Kate frowned at me mockingly, "Why are you so cold? Last time we talked you wanted--"

I cut her off, "It was a mistake! I don't want shit from you!"

She closed in on me, my back was literally up against a wall. She shoved me back, standing in front of me, her eyes locked onto mine. I tightened my jaw as she blocked my way out, "Move, Kate."

"No."

I wanted to push her, but I couldn't, I could've hurt her. I would've felt bad, but I wanted her to get away from me. It was a losing situation if I did push her.

"Get out of my house, Kate," I spoke calmer.

"Why? Naomi isn't here," she laughed now, "she won't be home for awhile, so why don't we just pick up where we left off, hmm?"

"You're a terrible person," I shoved her as gently and forcibly as I could.

She stumbled back in her heels, letting out a sharp menacing laugh, "I know you want it. I see how displeased you--"

"I haven't seen you in years!" I cried out.

"No, I mean when you're out at clubs playing a Mr. DJ," she smirked, her arms dropped to her sides. "I see you wanting to let loose and get wild, but you're playing Mr. Mom here for some woman who wanted things her way."

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" I pointed to the door again, "Get the fuck out."

She followed me towards the living room, "You were the best I ever had. You can't deny--"

"I was so fucking drugged out and wasted when we fucked. I don't remember even sleeping with you. The only thing that was memorable was the regret and guilt I felt afterward."

"You're a liar," she snarled angrily.

"I'm not! You're the worst fucking thing that ever happened to me. I told Naomi how you used her--"

"Yeah, I used her to get what I want and I got it," she snapped. "I had to stick by her and pretend I gave a shit about her life, I never did. All I wanted was you and I got you and I got you again and again."

"You're a bitch," I spat. "Get the fuck out of my house, Kate!"

I'm taken by surprise at how fast she cornered me against the back of the couch. She grabbed ahold of my shirt and smashed her lips against mine, hard, so hard our teeth clash painfully. I cried out and pushed her away, "What the fuck are you doing?!"

Kate just glared at me, her eyes were in slits and she looked like some wild animal ready to pounce on it's next meal. You wouldn't believe how afraid I actually was of her. She could do something to me, or if I fought back she could make some shit up. I'm not stupid, I've thought about this before when I was with other girls. Kate isn't any different from a groupie.

"Kate, get out," I muttered almost defeatedly. "Please. Leave."

"Not until I get what I want," again, Kate grinned wickedly.

She immediately was up against me, placing her hand on my crotch, groping me. I put my hands to her shoulders to hold her off; I kept pushing her back, "Fuck you--"

"That's what I want Pete."

Kate knocked my hands away and pushed me back, her hands grabbed the waist of my jeans, yanking my body to hers, "C'mon," she purred.

Her lips were on mine again, she was fast, her hand palmed my dick over my jeans. For just a split second I let it happen because it felt good, but immediately I felt disgusted with myself. I grimaced, pushing her away, causing our lips to smack apart, "No! Get the fuck out of here! Get your hands off me!"

Her eyes narrowed at me, her lipgloss smeared, "You should give me what I want, Pete. I can make things hard for you."

That's what I was afraid of. Those words. She was threatening me.

"I'm not going to sleep with you," I annunciated each word so she understood.

"Fine with me," she stared deviously at me. "I'll tell Naomi we slept together anyway--"

"What the fuck is wrong with you Kate?" I snapped at her. "What the fuck does ruining our lives do for you?"

She snarled at me, "Give me what I want--"

"No! All this for a fuck?"

"I want you," she stepped closer to me again, "I want to fuck you whenever I want."

"In your fucking dreams!" I grabbed her arm and began to pull her towards the door, taking control of this situation, "You can tell Naomi all the lies you want, she'll believe me, not you."

"I won't just tell Naomi!" She growled, pulling her arm from my grasp, and then she spun around to look at me, "I'll tell the press! I'll tell your--"

"Go ahead!" I shouted at her. "You think it'll make you happy, go for it! Naomi won't believe you and she's the only one I fucking care about. So go and spread whatever fucking rumors you want, Kate."

I opened the door and shoved her out, locking it after her. I was so pissed off, so angry, I could barely see straight. I moved away from the door, fighting the urge to hit a wall or kick doors until I couldn't feel the anger anymore.

I managed to get to the bedroom, slammed the door shut and tugged at my hair. My anger was at Kate and the fact that Naomi wasn't here. There was no way in hell I'd sleep with that conniving bitch, not even if she were to tell Naomi, I know Naomi knows better. I wouldn't ever go down that road, I had lost her to that monster when I did. I wanted Naomi here to help me and to shake me, to hold me and tell me everything would be okay.

I sat on the bed, the ends of my hair were tight in my fist, yanking. The overwhelming emotion felt like it was going to kill me. I was having a panic attack or anxiety attack, I couldn't make out the difference, I could barely breathe, it was like I was drowning.

Before I knew it I was on my knees, breathing like a fish out of water. Tears blinded me, my head throbbed and my heart was beating out of my chest. My stomach tightened in knots, I felt like I was going to die.

This wasn't just about Naomi, this was about everything. Nothing specific, it was just overwhelming how I was living. I needed a crutch and drugs and alcohol looked promising. I needed something, I needed help. I was ready to blow my brains out.

The attack I had knocked me out. I had blacked out on my side. I was awaken by Lee some time later. He was calling my name and the boys were calling to me too. Lee had rolled me onto my back and slapped my cheeks, "Pete, are you alright? Are you okay? What's wrong, you take something son?"

I blinked, my mouth was dry, my throat felt like it was in a vice grip. I tried to lick my lips but it was useless. It was like I had gone days without water, I was damn near dehydrated.

"Pete, can you hear me? What did you take?" Lee snapped his fingers in my face.

All I could say was water. Lee had nodded and got up, leaving me on my back. Benji was kneeling beside me while Lewy stood and watched. "Daddy, ya sick?" Benji whispered.

I nodded as he touched my forehead, "I'm--I'm okay, Benny."

Lee came back with a water bottle and opened it for me. He helped me sit up, gave me the bottle. I took a big fucking gulp, my hands shook as I did. I blinked rapidly, feeling the crust of sleep in the corners of my eyes.

"What did you take?" Lee asked, kneeling on one knee to me.

"I had a panic attack, I didn't take anything. What time is it?" My voice was raspy.

"It's 9AM. When did you have a panic attack? Yesterday? Is that why you didn't pick up the boys?"

I couldn't believe I blacked out for 13 hours.

"Yeah...I'm sorry...I didn't," I took another gulp of water, swallowing before speaking again. "I swear Mr. V, I didn't take any pills. I...I freaked out."

Lee frowned slightly, "Why?"

"Naomi," I mumbled. "Everything. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay," he replied. "I thought you needed a longer break. I called, you didn't answer but I just figured you were asleep."

"I was," I mumbled. "I can't believe it..."

"Do you need something?" He stood and lent out his hand.

I took his hand and stood up, immediately sitting on the bed, "I just needa eat, that's all."

I felt like a dick. I felt horrible. I wanted to smash my head in.

"Ya okay now, daddy?" Benji asked, he leaned against my leg and looked up at me.

I inhaled, taking a large gulp of water. "Yeah, I'm okay."

Lee patted my shoulder, "Look, I'll make you somethin'. You look like hell."

"Nah, Mr. V--"

"I'm not asking you, I'm tellin' you Pete. The kids already ate, I'll make some food, watch them while you take a shower and wake yourself up."

I felt my lips curl up, "Thank you."

"Yeah, no problem. C'mon kids," Lee picked up Benji and then took Lewy's hand, leading them out of my bedroom.

I exhaled, stood up and set the water bottle on the side of the bed. I went to Naomi's vanity and looked at myself; my face was pale, almost sickly white, I had lines on my face from where my face was pressed on my arm and long sleeves of my shirt. The dark bags under my eyes looked even darker, like I had been a fight with Holyfield.

"Fuck, I'm a mess," I muttered to my reflection.

I went to the bathroom, undressed and got into the shower. The hot water soothed me away from reality for awhile. My aching body seemed to relax, the tension was gone, but my mind was still active. I kept thinking about Kate coming into the house and threatening me. The stress shot back when I thought of what Naomi would think and say if Kate does spread her rumors.

Even after my shower I was still thinking about it all. I had dried off, dressed and sat on the bed trying to shut my head off and regain some strength. I could smell the eggs and bacon Lee was cooking, so I forced myself to get up and go eat.


Lee had left after he made sure I ate. It was just me and kids, having a lazy day as the snow began to fall. My head throbbed and I wanted so bad to take a bunch of pills to get rid of it.

The kids played and were loud, I tried to deal with it. I didn't want to yell at them, I mean they're kids, it would be stupid to yell at them for being kids. I took in deep breaths, but it didn't work out, Benji was crying about Lewy being unfair, and it took me several minutes to calm down and not yell.

"Lew, get over here," I called to him.

Lewy huffed as he emerged from his bedroom, "I didn't do nothin'!"

I grabbed his arm, "Lew, he's your little brother, be nice okay? I have a headache and I'm trying really hard not to yell. Can you just do me a favor and be nice to Benny?"

Lewy sighed, "But he took--"

I stopped him, "Lew, please? Just today, if you're good I'll buy you a toy, okay?"

Lewy frowned but nodded, "Okay."

I smiled, "Thank you."

Benji came out just as Lewy walked off. He was sniffling, "He nev'a lets me play wit' Batman!"

I picked him up, setting him in my lap, "Thats because Batman is his favorite, Benny. Sometimes you gotta let Lew have his way, alright? I'll buy you your own Batman."

"I don' wan' one," he mumbled.

I rubbed his back, "Then why are you so upset? Why are you crying?"

"Cuz he was bein' mean ta me!" He grumbled.

I sighed, "He's not gonna be mean anymore, I already told him."

Benji hugged me, "I'm gonna tell mommy."

"You should, Benny," I patted his back. "She should be calling soon."

Benji let me go and climbed off my lap, "C'n I play wit' ya iPad?"

"Yeah, sure," I agreed. "You know where its at?"

"Uh-huh," Benji turned and rushed off.

I ran a hand over my face, stood up and went to Lewy's room. I found him playing with his action figures, he was building things to knock over with building blocks. I went over and sat across from him on the floor, "Lew, we needa talk, bud."

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"Sorry isn't good enough, you know," I told him. "Benny's your little brother, you need to be nice and protect him, not be mean to him."

Lewy looked down, "Mommy bought me the Batman he was messin' with 'n' I didn't want him to break it."

"Lew, look at me," he looked up. "Your brother isn't gonna break it, and if he does, mommy will buy you another one. She isn't gone forever."

"I know that, but I don't want him ta break it," he stressed.

"Alright, alright Lew. Just tell him that and I'm sure he'll take good care of your Batman."

"Okay, dad. I'm sorry."

I got up, kissed the top of his head, "Say sorry to Benny."

"I am."

Thankfully the boys don't fight like you'd expect 2 kids to. They get along, sometimes they irked each other, it never lasts long. They usually apologized whenever the other makes them mad.

I sat beside Benji on the couch and Lewy stood in front of him. Lew looked at me and then Benji, who was busy playing Tetris, "Benny."

Benji looked at Lewy, "What?"

"I'm sorry I was mean ta you."

Benji shrugged, "S'okay. Wanna play?"

Lewy nodded and climbed onto the couch and Benji slid the iPad to him. I smiled at them, thanking God that they were so easy to forgive and forget. I wished Naomi could've seen this...thinking that made all my emotion flood and I had to stand up and go to the kitchen to breathe.


Naomi didn't call until a few hours later. I was on the verge of having another breakdown, but I pushed through. Lewy had been the one to answer the phone and talk to her and then Benji talked to her for a full 10 minutes.

He had come into the room to give me the phone, "Here daddy, ya turn."

I took the phone and watched him rush off. I put it to my ear, "Navy, how are you?"

"I'm okay. Lew said you had a panic attack, what happened?"

I was about to cry then. I held back, "There's so much shit going on, it's not your fault. It's not about you, it's everything, okay?"

She was silent for a moment, "Do you need to go away?"

"No," I muttered quickly. "No, I...I just need to tell you something."

"You can tell me anything, Pete, you know that."

The tears burned my eyes, I stood and paced, "Kate came over last night."

Naomi didn't say anything.

"That crazy bitch forced her way into the house, fuckin' grabbed me and was threatening me! She wanted me to have sex with her or she'd tell people--the press that we did sleep together! She said she was gonna tell you and I was so fucking..." I trailed. "I made her leave, I didn't sleep with her, you have to believe--"

"No, I believe you, Pete," Naomi murmured. "Is that all she wanted?"

I went on to tell Naomi everything, from Kate shoving me and grabbing my crotch to her kissing me and then me throwing her out. I told her I freaked out and passed out on the floor, but the end of explaining everything I was in tears, throat tight, voice heavy and raspy.

"I'm so sorry baby," Naomi whispered. "I'm...I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say."

"I don't know what the fuck to do."

"You should see a doctor, Pete. You should just take a breather for a day or two. Let your folks take the boys tonight and tomorrow and--"

"I can't be alone," I told her. "I don't want to be alone."

"Okay, okay," she spoke softly, almost like she was whispering again. "Then don't worry about anything and just be with the boys. Make a fort, make cookies and watch movies. Just relax, can you do that babe?"

I nodded to myself, "Yeah--yeah."

I heard a bell ring on the other end, after Naomi exhaled deeply, "I have to go, I have laundry duty."

"Yeah, it's okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Peter. I love you."

"I love you too."

I hung up and stared at my phone for a few seconds before shoving it into my pocket. Naomi's suggestions echoed in my head and I decided to do it, to just hangout with my kids and forget everything. I could only hope the anxiety and panic would disappear.