Without You, I'm Just Me

It was just after we started the Jungle Book that Babette called me. I had left the boys on the island of blankets and pillows we made and went to talk to her in the kitchen. I was ready to tell her about Kate, hoping she'd tell her something, get her to back off.

"Hey, do you still want me to pick up the boys?" She asked as soon as I answered.

I paused for a second, "Nah...nah, I'm gonna keep 'em, I've...I want to be with them. Sorry."

"It's okay Pete. Is everything alright? You don't need any help?"

I shook my head to myself, "No. But uh, do me a favor will ya?"

"What's that?"

"Will you talk to Kate?" I muttered shortly. "She came over here threatening me, grabbing on me, tryna get me to sleep with her. And I'm not joking, she almost raped me."

Babette was quiet for a second and a half. "I'm sorry Pete, I'll talk to her. I don't know what's wrong with her."

"I don't want any bad blood between us, but Kate is out of her fucking mind."

"We'll talk to her, I'm really sorry. Is that why you don't want the boys over here?"

"No, it's not that...well, just a little, but most if it is that I need them right now, I'm not feelin' too good. I just need awhile to feel back to normal. Please, ya'know, talk to Kate."

"I will--me and Chris will. Again, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, B, really. She just freaked me out."

"I'll knock some sense into her, I apologize again."

"Thank you, B."

"Yeah, no problem."

We hung up and I returned to the living room with the boys. We got caught up in watching movies, easily moving onto Scooby Doo and then Chicken Little. By the end of Chicken Little they were asleep in our little nest. I turned the TV off, made sure the fire in the fireplace was still burning and then I lay between my sons. I fell asleep comfortably with Benji on my chest and Lewy's head on my shoulder.

Though I was a little better in reality, my dreams were full of Kate pushing herself on me. I woke up several times, shaking the terrible thoughts away and then ultimately falling back asleep. The dreams didn't last long, once I awoke in the morning my boys were up and demanding pancakes.

I was happy to be awake.


The weather cleared a little during the week so the boys were back at school. During this time I was still anxious over my dreams, I was beginning to fight sleep. It was terrible reliving Kate's actions, especially when I was alone and kept it to myself.

Babette had told me she talked to Kate, who just brushed it off. I didn't say more about it, I just wanted it to fade away. When I talked to Naomi I was constantly thinking about it, but I never told her.

It was getting bad, I needed Naomi.

That Saturday Lee and my dad took the boys to get Christmas trees, and then they were gonna go with my mom to get ornaments. I decided to go see Naomi by myself. We had planned to see each other Sunday with the boys since Saturdays were usually packed with visitors. I went anyway because I couldn't take being on my own anymore. I drove up there, taking my time, letting all of my thoughts consume me so I could know what to say to Naomi.

When I arrived I was taken through the check in process and then through the metal detector. After all that I was taken to a much smaller and intimate visiting room. I was told the other was full to capacity and that this was a closely monitored room for prisoners and their significant other or their legal aid.

The table was a normal one that I could rest my arms on. Their were vending machines like the other room, but the room was a lot darker. The shades had been drawn down with only a sliver of morning light flooding through the bottom. The lights overhead were more like interrogation lights you'd see in some Law & Order show. This room was gloomy, but it did seem more private, despite the revolving and obvious security cameras watching my every move.

There were 2 other female inmates, one with a woman and another with I assumed was her lawyer as he was dressed in a suit and tie. I kept my eyes down on the table, my head was blank then, but I felt the need to see Naomi deep in my soul. After a good 5 minutes the large doors opened and in walked Naomi, I stood up as she walked over, she was wearing a beige set of clothing today instead of the dark green or orange ones she dawned every other weekend.

"Hey," she said softly as we embraced.

I hugged her tight, running my hands up and down her back. She broke our embrace, because we weren't allowed those long hugs, they were coined as suspicious. Naomi took my hand and we sat across from one another, both of her hands took ahold of mine, "How come you're here?"

"I needed to see you," I confessed. "Our dads took the boys out to get Christmas trees and I was by myself. I had to come, my anxiety is getting worse."

Her thumb ran over my knuckles, "Because of Kate? I know how that feels...Seth had me like that--so did Rob."

"It's stuck in my head how she just...how she--" I was at a loss on how to explain.

"She assaulted you Pete," Naomi murmured. "She could've hurt you...I know it sounds silly but she could've raped you."

I took my hand from hers and rubbed my face, "Yeah, I keep thinking about it. I feel guilty and..." I trailed, feeling foolish.

"Dirty?" She added.

I nodded, "Sometimes."

She took my hand again so they were both in hers, "What did Babette say?"

"That she'd talk to her. She did and Kate just waved it off like nothing."

"I'm so sorry babe," she squeezed my hands. "I wish I could take away the pain."

"I'm not in pain, I'm tired and I'm anxious all the time."

Naomi rubbed her thumb over my knuckles continuously, "That is pain, Pete. I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could do."

We both felt helpless. I wanted to kiss her and take her home with me. My heart was in the pit of my stomach. I never missed anyone as much as I missed Naomi. This was torture.

"I miss you," I told her softly. My eyes prickled with tears. "I don't know what the hell is wrong with me."

Naomi's lips turned up, "You're in love with me."

I nodded, "Of course I am, but this is a lot worse than any other time you've been away."

"It's because you don't have control," she offered.

"God, I fuckin' miss you," I repeated. "I don't know what to do. Since Kate came over I've been all messed up."

Naomi's hand let go of mine, came up and cupped my cheek. Her thumb stroked my skin, "You'll be okay, Pete. I promise you."

"You're the best, Navy," I murmured, placing my free hand against hers on my cheek. "I love you so much."

Her lips turned up, "I love you too, Pete. I think maybe you should work on music and get your head into music. Aren't Panic! supposed to be doing something?"

"They're on your with Patrick right now," I told her.

Her hand let go of my cheek only to take my hand in her's again, "Work on some mixes, you know, just focus on you and getting over your anxiety."

"I can't."

"Why not? Because I'm here, Pete?" I nodded. "I'm gonna be here for awhile and you can't waste another 5 and a half months worried and holed up. Do something, baby, even if it's just mixing and remixing songs. I love that you care about me, but you need more than me."

"I have the kids."

"Yeah, but you guys need more," she squeezed my hands, "stop worrying about me, all of you, I'm okay. I'll be okay."

"We just miss you," I told her softly. "I get what you're saying."

Naomi brought my hands up and kissed them. She smiled at me, rubbing my hands in hers. I wanted her so badly, I wanted to take her home with me. My heart ached to have her in my arms. Her smile made my chest hurt, leaving her made it hurt even worse.

"Take care of yourself for me, Pete," she murmured.

"I will. I will, Navy."

She gave my knuckles a kiss, still smiling so happily at me.


Despite the things Naomi urged me to do, I was still anxious and lonely. And I hated being lonely. I have my kids, I have love, but what the hell can feelings do that contact can't? Feeling down makes you lonely and I hated myself for the way I felt. I dared to long to comfort of someone beside me in bed -a woman- and I hated myself for it.

I didn't want to cheat. I didn't want to find a girl to fuck just to appease the ache in my body. My body wanted it so my head fought it.

The one thing that combatted it all was drugs. I finally gave into temptation and let my mind flood with haziness from the pills I swallowed. I was happier, I felt like a much better person, and I was less lonely. I'd take a few in the morning, few at night and then I'd fall asleep. I didn't drink, I just bided my drug induced haze by writing and playing with my kids; I never felt anti-social, I felt more social when I was high.

I did gigs, I wrote, I spent time with friends and family. The thoughts of Kate were gone, and I was so goddamn grateful. Naomi had seen and heard the change, but I don't think she knew I was on pills again. I promised myself that I'd stop once it got too much. I always knew when it got to be too much.

Christmas came and went, the boys got loads of toys, ordered by Naomi and our folks. Their Christmas was the best that we could do without Naomi and they didn't complain. Benji dove into the mess of torn wrapping paper and played with the Batman action figure I bought for him and fell asleep. Lewy got an art kit and books, just what he asked for, and spent the morning and afternoon drawing pictures for Naomi. After we opened our presents we went over to Naomi's folks, had lunch and opened presents there, then we did the same at my parents, having dinner with everyone, including Naomi's parents and Abbey.

Naomi called us that night, having gotten just enough time in the long line to call. She talked to the boys for a bit, then her parents, Abbey and then myself. She couldn't talk long, as they were making the rounds for lights out, I was glad to have hear her voice that night.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there," she murmured thickly. I knew she was going to cry.

"We're okay, Navy. We took a lot of pictures."

"Send me some when you can."

"I will babe."

After hanging up with her I was feeling terrible again. I had gone off to the bathroom and popped a few pills, dry swallowing them. I took a few minutes, letting my mind go blank before heading out and resuming the night with my family.


The next couple of days were the same. I had a high paying gig with Spencer at a upscale club in the heart of Chicago on New Years Eve. I was excited for it, anything really to stop thinking negatively.

On New Years Eve my brother had come down and hung out with the boys. He agreed to watch them while I was gone. I wasn't going to stay out until the morning. I was going to come home at around 1, then Spencer would take over. We agreed on that, I didn't want to spend an entire night out without my little dudes.

I had told Naomi of my plans and she couldn't have been any more excited for me. I was thankful to have her support, it made me not want to dope myself up to forget. I was running off adrenaline and love, deciding not to shove pills down my throat before the party.

At the club, it was jam packed with partiers in nice clothes. Despite the snow, girls showed up in short tight dresses. The guys took notice, there wasn't one person out there that wasn't grinding up on someone else.

I spun for an hour, taking request before a waitress had come up to the booth and gave me a drink. I had grabbed her arm and told her I didn't order it in her ear so she could hear me over the music. She leaned into my ear, "A woman bought it for you."

"What woman?"

The waitress shrugged, "She's at the bar."

I didn't question her any longer, we could barely hear each other. I didn't drink it, even though I was appreciative of it, I let Spencer down it.

Midnight approached quickly and the music stopped so we could count down. I took this opportunity to head off to the bathroom. I walked past people as they counted down from 30: "28...27...26..."

I went into the bathroom, pissed, washed my hands and then headed to the bar. Everyone was still counting down around me, "17...16...15...14...13..." I ordered a water bottle, paid and was heading back to the booth, but a delicate hand took ahold of my wrist, stopping me under the flashing and dim lights.
"10...9...8..."

I came face to face with Kate. I ripped my arm away, but that only made her latch on harder. "Let go," I hissed at her, hoping to not cause a scene.

"6...5...4..."

She just smirked at me, counting, "3...2...1."

I was caught off guard with her grabbing the back of my head and forcing her opened mouth against mine.