Without You, I'm Just Me

The rest of the week was simple and quiet and nothing was out of the ordinary. I got nothing from Kate, from what the officers told me, she got the papers and had snapped at them. She didn't come over or anything, which I was so glad for.

It had started to snow, the roads were closed so we couldn't go see Naomi on the weekend. She called though, she told me that she talked to my dad and that Talia threw out the motion to settle out of court.

Naomi said, "She wants to bring it out in the open, she wants the world to see me as some freak. She wants everyone to know I killed her son because I wanted to and she's getting her own justice."

This was added stress to her and I tried my best to do what I could from outside. Talia wanted everything Naomi had, money and possessions. My dad was doing all he could to throw the case out due to slandering and outlandish requests. Aside from that, Naomi told me they would start moving inmates at the beginning of February. They hadn't said anything to her, so we were hoping for the best.

The second week of January, the boys started school. I got them ready, like I usually do, and then took them, walking them to their classes and then got back home. This was something I hated, being on my own.

The house is always quiet, except for the fish tank humming from the filter and the sound of the TV. I plopped on the couch, shut my eyes, trying to figure out what to do. I wasn't that deep in thought before my phone started to vibrate in my pocket.

I pulled it out and saw Patrick's name and picture pop up; "Sup 'Trick 'r Treat?"

Patrick chuckled, "Hey Wentz. What's up man? You still in Chicago?"

"Always, I leave here."

"Yeah, I was just wondering. I've been hearing you were a DJ and stuff like that."

"I am, but local shit, you know? What's up?"

"I'm...in Chicago and I was wondering what you were doing."

"I just dropped Lewy and Benny off at school. You wanna hang?"

"Yeah," he breathed, almost relieved in a way. "I'll be over soon."

"You remember the address right?"

"Yeah, uh, I remember."

"See ya, Trick."

"See ya."

I hung up with Patrick and then got up, knowing my buddy would want some of that Earl Grey tea Naomi makes. I went into the kitchen and began to heat up some water and to find the tea. It didn't take all that long before Patrick arrived and the tea was finished.

I opened the door and immediately brought him into a hug without a thought. Patrick chuckled, "This is kinda weird."

"Fuck, I haven't seen you in forever," I said, chuckling, "you are so much smaller than before!"

We parted, Patrick only shrugged, "I've...haven't been myself lately. I think there's somethin' wrong with me."

I knew immediately my friend was ready to spill his guts to me. I looked him over and saw he had scuff, more than I had ever seen on him. His shoulders were slumped, his body was a lot slimmer, even under his denim jacket over his hoodie. He looked beaten up, like life was kicking his ass and he didn't sleep.

"Come with me," I said to him.

Patrick followed me into the kitchen where I poured him tea, "Sit, dude," I gave him the mug, and pointed to the honey and sugar on the table. "What's up, you can tell me anything."

He sat at the table, I had to pick up the boys' bowls and put them in the sink. Patrick sat, stirring his tea after a little sugar, "I failed."

I looked at him, pouring coffee for myself, "You failed? Whadda talkin' about?"

"My marriage, the whole solo thing and whatever the hell else I'll probably be working on."

"You didn't fail, Trick. You fuckin' did it, you had guts to--"

He cut me off, "Nah, I failed. The tour with Brendon and Spencer...God, some kids booed me. Some kid told me I was better fat."

I balled my fist, my teeth grounded together. It took a moment for me to speak; "Are you serious?"

"Yeah," he winced to himself. "I'm...I'm starting to feel washed up, you know? Like I'm...I'm this poor excuse for a musician. I'm terrible--"

I sat down across from him, "Dude, you're not terrible. You're the most talented person I know. You're a fuckin' beast when it comes to music."

"How do you explain all those kids--"

I put my hand up, "Those kids don't mean shit to you, to us, to our band. They don't know you, they never will. They don't matter. The ones that came out and supported you, man, those kids matter."

Patrick kept his eyes low, his glasses slipping down his nose, he used his index finger to push them up. He stirred his tea with his spoon, clinking it around. "What about Juniper?"

I sighed, "I don't know. I'm sorry I kissed--"

He cut me off again, "Nah, I don't care about that. I mean, how can you explain that she never really cared about me? She dumped me, she left me after all the things I did for her."

I shrugged, "I don't know how to explain it, Patrick. I know she loved you once, she just had her problems, we were always gone, and she needed someone who was constantly there. She does now."

"How did you get Naomi to stay?"

"I didn't. She just..." I trailed, now knowing the answer. "Naomi stayed because she loves me. She wanted me and was willing to wait. When we broke up, she didn't wait anymore and we had Lewis and she expected me to do my part and I tried. That's all I can say about it."

"You got lucky," he mumbled.

"No I didn't," I muttered. "I'm lucky to have kids and a great girl, but it took me to tread through hell before I got lucky. You're going through your own, Patrick, and I know it'll get better. Believe me, man, it gets better."

"And then it gets worse again," he said shortly. "Naomi's in jail and everyone is talkin' so much crap about her."

I shrugged, "They don't matter. Naomi only cares about us -family."

"I don't know how you do it, Pete," he exhaled deeply. "I can't get the terrible shit out of my head. I can hear the boos and the bad reviews. I...I'm glad I did it, but I don't get why some people can't be happy that I did something all on my own. I went broke putting it together and divorcing Juniper. I sold my house out in LA for my dreams and people crushed and shit all over them."

My heart was breaking for my friend, "You did it for yourself, feel proud. A lot of people love it-- Naomi loves the record," I smiled at the thought. "Fuckin' Lew and Benji can't get enough of the Spotlight video, they want a dog with 3 legs and learn how to do that cup thing."

Patrick smiled now, "Thanks."

"Really, dude, I'm not kidding. Wait till we pick them up, they'll tell you how much they like Soul Punk. Naomi recorded Benji singing This City a couple months back," I stood up and went to get my phone, "you gotta see it."

Patrick blushed, which made me laugh. I showed him the video of Benji singing his song. Naomi had recorded him dancing in the living room when the video came on Fuse.

"Benny, you know the words to Uncle Patrick's song?" Naomi had asked.

Benji had hummed, "Yeah! Yeah!"

Benji sang the song, dancing around in the video. This made Patrick cheer up and laugh.

"He does it better than me," he commented.

I slipped my phone into the pocket of my hoodie, "He's a riot, dude. You have to stay."

"I am," Patrick nodded. "I wanted to ask uh...if you wouldn't mind letting me crash here."

"Yeah, it's cool," I patted his arm.

"Thanks. I just can't stay at my mom's...a lot of my and Juni's stuff is there."

"When did you guys divorce?"

"Last year...it'll be 2 years in March. She hasn't picked her stuff up yet."

I didn't want to push the issue. Patrick looked rough, like he could crash and burn at any given moment.

"I'd stay at my dad's, but his wife's daughter live with them now," he went on.

"Hey, Trick, man, it's cool!" I laughed and smiled. "My kids' will dig havin' you around."

"Thanks, Pete. I uh, won't stay long. I'm gonna find a new place, get all my equipment and create a new studio."

"I'll help ya, man. Whatever you need, I'll help."

Patrick smiled at me, "Really, thanks Pete. I don't even know what else to say."

"Just say you'll make those awesome burritos tonight."

He chuckled, "Sure, dude, whatever."

I patted his back, "Great. Once my kids eat those vegan things they'll fall in love with you."

He laughed again, "We'll see."


Patrick got his stuff and moved them into our guest room that was across from Benji's. He came with me when we picked up the boys and Benji nearly lost it. He hadn't seen Patrick in a long time, I think since his 2nd birthday. But he didn't know Patrick Stump and Uncle Patrick were the same person, because the last he saw Patrick, he was still a little pudgy. Now, Patrick was Benji's favorite singer and didn't know he was the same Uncle Patrick who sends him gifts and cards for his birthday.

Patrick had waited in the car when I got them from their classrooms and while I carried Benji, I told him Uncle Patrick was gonna be staying with us. At first all he said was, "Does he have presents? Is he nice?"

Once he saw him, he went silent, I thought he crapped his pants for real. Benji had climbed over the seat, pushing my hands away when I tried to buckle him into his booster seat. He stood in the driver seat while I helped Lewy buckle up. "You're Pat-ick Stump," Benji looked at him with wide eyes.

Patrick laughed, "Yeah, little dude. I haven't seen you and Lewis in a long time."

"You make cool music!" Benji exclaimed.

Patrick shook his head, "You like my music?"

"Uh-huh! Mommy plays it for me so I dance!"

"That's awesome, maybe you can show me your moves little guy."

Benji was star struck and kept nodding. I laughed too, picked him up and helped him back into the back seat in his booster chair. While I buckled him in, he asked, "Is he stayin' forever?"

I shrugged, "Maybe."

Benji grinned goofily, "Cool."

I shook my head and shut his door, getting into the front seat. I looked back at Lewy, who was deep in thought, "Hey, how was school?"

"Fun," Benji answered. "I can't wait to tell m'friends Pat'ick is at my house!"

Patrick laughed again, "He really does like me."

"I told you," I looked at Lewy again. "How 'bout you Lew?"

He looked up in the rearview, I caught his look and then my eyes focused on the road. He sighed, "It was bad."

"How come?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

I bit at the inside of my lip, "After we get home will you tell me?"

"I don't know."

Patrick looked over at me, giving me a curious look. I shrugged to his expression and then spoke to Lewy, "We're gonna go shopping, Patrick is cookin' tonight. You can tell me then, okay?"

Lewy didn't respond, he kept quiet while I drove.

The ride to the grocery store was quiet, but with the radio playing. When we got there, Benji latched himself to Patrick, and would only get in the cart if Patrick was pushing. I let them go off while Lew and me went to get some other things.

"We'll meet up at the deli," I said, "in like, what, 20 minutes?"

"Sure," Patrick agreed. "I should be done by then."

"Alright, cool."

We parted ways, Lewy held my hand and looked down. I couldn't see his face, he had his blue and white striped beanie on, the draw strings bounced in rhythm with our steps. "You want chocolate milk, bud?"

He shrugged.

"How about juice?"

Again, he shrugged.

"Bug juice?"

That got a response. He looked up at me, "Bug juice?"

I chuckled, "I was jokin'. What's wrong, Lew? What happened at school?"

He looked away, "Nothing."

I stopped, knelt and stood him in front of me, "You look too upset for it to be nothing. Was it a kid?"

He nodded slowly, I could see his eyes filling with tears. He looked away from me and then brought his hand up to rub his eyes with his sleeve. I held his arms gently, "Hey, you can tell me Lew. What happened?"

He hiccuped, "I want mommy."

I rubbed his arms, "I know, I know. I'm sorry."

He rubbed his left eye, "The new kid, Danny, said that mommy went to jail because she doesn't like me."

I sighed, frowning, "That kid is an asshole."

Lewy blinked away tears, "He's a jerk."

"Yeah. You know mommy isn't away because of you."

"Yeah-huh! I couldn't stop Robert, it's my fault!"

I pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him, he hugged me back, tight. I told him, "It's not your fault, Lewis. I promise, you didn't do anything wrong, you tried, and you did a lot," I rubbed his back. "You're amazing, you know that?"

He shook his head, "I feel bad."

"Why?"

He wrapped his arms tighter around my neck, but not too tight. "Coz mommy got hurt 'nd I didn't do nothin'."

"Lewy, look at me," I pulled back, held his arms again. He dropped his arms at his sides, listening and sniffling. "That kid is just being mean, just ignore him. He just wants you to feel sad because he's sad too. And you did do something, Lew, you save your little brother and you helped mommy get Robert off her for a minute. You did a lot, buddy, and it was good."

He sniffed, "I don't like that kid. He's mean."

"Yeah, I know kids can be jerks. I was made fun of when I was a kid too."

"You was?"

"Yeah, a lot. People called me names and made fun of me. But I didn't let it get me down, Lew. I knew that they were sad too and I didn't even listen to them. You're better than any of the kids who pick on you, you understand?"

He nodded slowly, "Mommy says I'm im-por-tant," he sounded out the word.

"You are," I smiled at him. "You're the greatest kid ever, next to Benji. Both of you guys are number one, better than everyone else."

He smiled now, with some tears rolling down his cheeks. I rubbed them away for him. He sniffed, "I feel better, daddy."

"Yeah?" He gave a nod. "Don't let that kid make you feel bad. Whatever that little jerk says, just ignore him."

"Okay."

I kissed his cheek, wiped his face with my sleeve, "All good?"

"All good."

"Lets go get some cupcakes because you and Benny deserve them. Lets find those good sugar free ones."

"Yes!" He cheered.

I chuckled, took his hand and started off.


Lewy was a lot better when we got home. I helped him with his homework while Benji helped Patrick in the kitchen. When Lew was finished with his homework, he put it away and grabbed his library book to read to me. Before he could get started my phone began to ring. I saw that it was the prison, I instantly smiled, answering it.

The automated voice spoke and I accepted the call. I heard Naomi sigh softly, "Hey, Pete."

"Hey babe, how are you today?"

"I had a flu shot the other day and now I feel sick. How are you?" Her voice was heavy.

"We're good. I'll make it quick so you can get some rest."

"Thank you. I wanna talk to the boys."

"Lew's right here, hold on," I gave Lewy the phone. "Hey, mommy's sick so don't take too long, she needs to sleep."

"Okay," he put the phone to his ear. "Hi mommy, I miss you...it was okay, this kid was pickin' on me...Daddy made me feel better...He said stupid stuff..." He giggled, "I'm okay mommy!...I'm gonna read Captain Underpants to daddy...It's half comic, mommy!...Okay, I will, promise...Uncle Patrick is here cookin' burritos...Yeah, today...'Kay, hold on," Lewy got up and rushed to the kitchen.

I rubbed my eyes and yawned slightly, feeling tired. I was feeling a little bad about what Lewy experienced at school, but I knew my kid could handle himself. He faced a monster like Rob, he can face anything.

Lewis came back and climbed back on the couch, "Can I read now?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

Lewy opened his book, scooted closer beside me and began to read. I put my arm around his shoulder, listening to him, helping him with big words until Benji came in to give me my phone, "Here daddy!"

"Thanks, Benji. Be careful with Patrick."

"I am!" He skipped away, causing me to laugh a little.

"Hey, Navy?"

"I'm gonna go sleep now," she murmured. "Is everything under control there?"

"Yeah, of course. We can talk on Saturday, Navy. No need to keep you on when you're sick."

"Good, I am exhausted."

"Go to sleep. I love you, babe."

"I love you too, Pete. Sweet dreams, kiss my babies for me."

I hummed and smiled, "Will do. Sleep well baby."

"I'll try."

We hung up right after that, and then Lewy started to read to me again. So many thoughts were brewing while I listened to my son, but I felt too exhausted to deal or fully think about them. For the time being I was gonna try and take it all easy.