Without You, I'm Just Me

The next day, I dropped the boys off at school, and then got Starbucks for me and Patrick; I came home to Patrick at the kitchen table mumbling to himself. He had a notepad in front of him, all he was missing was his guitar. It was such a familiar sight, it gave me goosebumps.

"What the hell are you doing up so early?" I asked him.

"I got this--this melody...words, a song stuck in my head," he rambled quickly. "I had to write it down."

"More solo work?"

"Nah, it could be for someone else."

I sat at the table, sliding his hot green tea to him, "Can I see?"

Patrick hummed, "One second."

I sipped at my coffee while watching my friend work his pen feverishly to the pad. I couldn't read it from this angle, I just waited. After a minute, Patrick slipped the notepad to me, "I have the melody in my head, the words aren't that good but I had to get them out."

I looked at the notepad, reading his sloppy handwriting; You're gone but I'll be okay, your hot whiskey eyes will fan the flames / maybe I'll burn a little brighter tonight / let the fire breathe me back to life
Before it gets better the darkness gets bigger / the person you'd take a bullet fire is the one behind the trigger
I miss missing you now and then / I'm fading fast / cue all the love to leave my heart / it's time for me to fall apart

"Whoa, dude, this is nice," I told him. "It's all jumbled, but you definitely got something here."

"Thanks...I want to piece it together...can you help?"

I smiled, "No doubt."

"I need to get my guitar from my mom's," he exasperated.

I slid the notepad back to him, "I'll drive you over later. So, uh, how'd you come up with his?"

Patrick looked at me squarely, "Juniper."

"I figured," I mumbled. "How do you feel?"

"A lot better that I got some of it out. I think I'll feel complete if I ever complete the song."

"I know what you mean."

Patrick got up, "I'm gonna shower and shave. Thanks for the tea."

"No problem, Rickster."

Patrick chuckled as he left the kitchen with the notepad and tea. I sipped my own, thinking for a moment; it all hit me how nice it felt reading Patrick's lyrics, like before. It put me in a good place, one I hadn't really noticed until it was over. I wanted to work on music with him...with Joe and Andy too. I missed my friends and I missed our band, but I wasn't sure if it was a good enough time to reunite Fall Out Boy.

We had gotten burnt out on each other. We toured for almost 6 years straight, we missed a lot of events with our family, I missed my little dudes firsts' - that's what drove me to bring up going on a break with the guys. They had all agreed and we parted ways, taking time to ourselves. I know that we'd get back together, I'm just not sure when...I guess when the time is right. I was hoping it'd be sooner than another 3 years.


Patrick was in the guest room working on some music while I had picked up the boys and hung out with them. Benji had crashed in the recliner for a nap and Lewy was doing his homework while I helped him.

"How was school?" I asked him; he had been quiet the whole ride home.

"Danny keeps pickin' on me," Lewy murmured. "I told my teacher and Danny called me a tattle-tell."

I sighed, "I'm sorry, Lew. What did your teacher say?"

"She made him say sorry, but he's still mean to me," Lewy kept his eyes on his work. "I hate him."

I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, "It'll be okay, Lewis. That kid - Danny?" He nodded. "This Danny kid has nothing better to do than to try and hurt you, do you understand?"

"No."

I thought for a minute, "Okay, when Danny feels sad, he wants everyone else to be sad too. He doesn't like that other people are happy when he's sad. Do you get that?"

He nodded, "Yeah. How do I make him leave me alone?"

I exhaled, "Thats tough. Kids like him don't want to leave the happy kids alone."

"He's always makin' fun of me," Lewy muttered with a furrowed brow. "I hate him a lot, daddy."

"Try and stay away from him," I offered. "Don't talk to him, ignore him. He'll leave you alone eventually."

Lewy sighed, "Man..."

"I know, little dude, I know. It'll get better, I promise."

"I wish mommy was here to help."

"Yeah, mommy knows exactly what to do."

"I can't wait to see her," he said softly.

"Me either. We'll go on Saturday, I promise."

"'Kay."

I helped Lewy finish his homework, then Patrick emerged from the guest room and came out to eat. I had to wake Benji and he was so grumpy while we ate. Afterward, I let him crawl into my lap and sleep; I carried him to his bedroom, changed him into his pajamas and then put him in bed.

Patrick had stayed up while me and Lewy went to sleep. I tucked Lew in made sure he was comfortable and had his nightlight on and then went off to my room. I was just about asleep when it started to rain and thunder outside. I counted the strikes, slipping to sleep quickly. But, I was awaken soon after by Benji tugging at the comforter.

I sat up and pulled him up onto the bed, "What's wrong?" I asked him.

Lightening struck and he jumped, "I don't like that," he hurried climbed under the covers.

"It's okay, Benny," I yawned and laid back, "I'm right here, no need to be scared."

He crawled up close to me and hid under the covers. I chuckled to myself, trying to think of something positive to say so he wouldn't be so scared. Benji hid his face against my side when another flash of lightening hit the sky. "Make it stop!" He cried out.

"Hey, hey," I pulled him up, "Benny, don't be scared, it's just Thor, remember?"

Benji looked up, "Oh, yeah."

I chuckled again, "It's just Thor and the Avengers."

He grinned, "Thats a relief, daddy."

I couldn't help but to laugh, "Yeah, I know, buddy. Lets get back to sleep, you got school in the morning."

He hummed, "Okay."

Benji cuddled my chest, he didn't even flinch when the lightening came and went. He fell asleep so easily, surprising the hell out of me. I followed his lead, falling asleep right after him.

In the morning, he woke me up, telling me Naomi was on the phone. I thought I was dreaming until he put the phone to my ear, "It's mommy, sleepy head!"

"Hello?" I mumbled tiredly; I was sure I was dreaming.

"Wake up," it was her voice. "It's 8, the boys'll be late for school."

I sat up, seeing Benji was dressed funnily and had his beanie on down to his eyes. I sighed tiredly, "Sh--shoot. How are you calling so early?"

"It's a long story," she said, "you have to get up."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. They moved me to a different division in the prison since it's been so crowded. They...called dad and they're reviewing my case. I might get out of here, Pete."

I smiled, "No shit?"

"Daddy!" Benji scolded, "You can't say that!"

I smiled sheepishly, "Sorry, Benny. Go--who dressed you?"

"Uncle Trick," he said simply.

"Tell Trick he doesn't know how to dress kids and find something better."

"I look nice!" Benji argued as he hopped off the bed.

Naomi giggled in my ear, "How bad was the outfit?"

"He was wearing Lew's slacks and a tank top and his beanie."

Naomi laughed, "Oh man, I'd loved to see that. Patrick is crazy."

"I'm sure he's running off no sleep since he's a night owl and all," I rubbed my eyes and climbed out of bed. "Shit, I slept in so long, I didn't even notice."

"It's okay," she breathed, "I called to tell you they moved me and I won't be able to have visitors this weekend, they have some stupid paperwork to do before I get to have visitors in this division."

"Yeah, it's okay. I'm excited now, I hope you'll get out."

"Me too. The judge, prison officials and parole board have to talk to us -well, dad first- before they make a decision."

"I'm hoping for the best."

"Same here. I have to go, I already talked to Lew and Benny."

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you too."

I hung up with Naomi and woke myself up. I went to Benji's room and found him looking for suitable clothes. "What made you pick up slacks?"

"Uncle Trick got them for me!" He answered in a huff.

I grabbed a pair of thermals and jeans from his dresser, socks and a long sleeve shirt with skulls on it -his favorite. I helped him take the other clothes off and then helped him dress. "You brushed your teeth?" I asked him.

"Lewy helped me."

I nodded, "That's good. How does he look?"

"He's in his pajamas," he answered with a shrug.

Once Benji was dressed, I had him go get his backpack and wait for me to get them cereal. I went into Lewy's room and found him sitting on his bed in his pajamas like Benji said. "Hey, you have to get dressed! School starts in 30 minutes."

"I don't wanna go," he mumbled.

"You have to, Lew."

"No, I don't wanna."

"That Danny kid isn't gonna bother you, I'll talk to your teacher."

Lewy frowned at me, but he got up and started to get dressed. I wasn't sure why he didn't fight me, because I was expecting it. He only got dressed and then put his shoes on, "I brushed my teeth," he murmured.

"Good," I ruffled his hair and led him to the kitchen, "I'm sorry, but you have to go to school. This Danny kid is nothing more than a punk and you're better than him, Lew, that's all you have to remember."

Lewy didn't respond, he sat down at the table and ate cereal with Benji, who looked confused. "Don't worry about anything, dudes, things are getting better."


Patrick was playing half of what he had gotten so far with the song. He mumbled the lyrics to himself while he played. I was already in love with it, I kept humming the melody to myself after he was finished and crashed on the couch.

It was just after noon, Patrick had been up for awhile and was in a dreamy state when he played the song. I made him go to the couch and sleep, I was gonna get ready to go see my parents, to get some info on what was going on with Naomi. But it was all halted when the school called me.

"This is Principal Massey at Harper Elementary, am I speaking with Peter Wentz's father?" A woman spoke.

"Uh, yeah," I was really confused, a little worried. "Is Lewis okay?"

"Lewis?"

I nearly hit myself in the head, "We call him Lewis, that's his middle name. What's wrong? Is he okay?"

"Peter was involved in an altercation with another boy in his classroom. We need you or his mother to come here and speak to us."

"Yeah, sure. I'll be there soon."

The principal hung up and I grabbed my coat, leaving Patrick to sleep. I drove to the school, wondering what kind of altercation Lewy had gotten into. I was afraid he had gotten hit or something or if he possibly cussed the kid out, because my son has a tongue as sharp as knives -he gets it from Naomi.

When I arrived, I parked and hurried into the office, surpassing kids taking their time getting to their classrooms. I stood at the front desk, seeing it was empty; I looked at the clock and saw it was 12:30, I figured they were at lunch.

"Hey! Is anyone here?"

A few seconds passed before a young woman came out with a banana in her hand. She looked ticked off, but her jaw slacked and she dropped her banana when she saw me. "Oh my God," she said, stepping back.

I frowned, "What?"

"You're Pete--"

I nodded, "Yeah, uh, I'm looking for the principal and my son."

She turned around, jaw still slacked and hurried off. I leaned over, seeing her hurry down a narrow hall and open a door. I shook my head, exhaling, "Hello? Where's my kid?"

Another second passed and an older woman came out with the younger one. She smiled, straightening out her blue pant suit, "Hello Mr. Wentz, Peter's this way."

"Thanks," I waved to the younger woman, who was still gaping at me.

I followed the principal down the hall and into the room. Lewy was sitting in a chair in front of her desk, he was frowning and had an ice pack on his hand and a pillow on his lap. "Have a seat," she said to me.

I sat next to Lewy, "What happened, Lew?"

He didn't respond, he wouldn't even look at me. The principal exhaled, "Peter was in a fight with another student, Danny Zane, on the way to lunch. Danny says Peter punched him. Peter says Danny was kicking him and then he punched him. The boys started to fight, they were rolling around on the floor."

I looked at Lewy again, "Is that what happened? You punched him, dude?"

Lewy looked at me, "Yeah. He kicked me in the stomach when we was on the floor."

I turned back to the principal, "Lew told me that this kid has been bothering him for the past week. Uh...his mom is in prison and everyone knows, and this kid Danny isn't making it any easier on Lewy."

The principal only nodded, "I understand, but we're a no tolerance school for fighting and bullying. Danny has been suspended for the remaining week. As for Peter, we're not sure what to do. He wouldn't apologize."

"Why should he?" I muttered. "That kid was been messing with him and Lew was defending himself."

The principal frowned at me, "All Peter had to do was apologize and we could consider giving him the same punishment as Danny."

"He doesn't have to apologize," I told her, "he was defending himself. He shouldn't be suspended at all, Lew's a good kid, he's never been in trouble."

"Peter--"

Lewy cut her off, nearly exploding, "Stop callin' me that! That's not my name!"

We both looked at him with wide eyes. I was shocked, he's not the type to yell -Benji maybe, but not Lewis. I think he was frustrated, at the end of his rope, he was crying.

I got up and went over to him, moving the pillow and the ice pack, I picked him up and let him cry against my shoulder, "Shh, it's okay, Lew."

He sobbed hard, wrapping his arms around my neck, he cried, "I wanna go home!"

"We will, we'll go home," I grabbed his backpack from the back of his chair and set to leave, but I was faced with the principal, "My kid didn't do anything wrong, and making him apologize for defending himself is wrong. I'm taking him home, I'm picking up my younger son, Benji, and you figure out what you want to do. Whatever you choose, I hope it benefits the kids."

She frowned deeply at me, "I have no choice but to expel--"

"Expel him?! He's 6! He didn't do anything but hit someone who was hitting him first! He didn't threaten anyone, he didn't hurt anyone!"

"We have a zero tolerance--"

I rolled my eyes and left, giving her no chance to finish. Lewy had stopped crying and was just breathing heavily through his mouth. I rubbed his back and prepared to leave, but the woman at the front desk stop me.

"I'm sorry...I heard what happened in there, but...uh, could you sign this for me?" She held up a copy of Take This to Your Grave. "I love this album, I listen to it everyday."

I felt a little better, and I couldn't turn her down, "Yeah, sure, you got a pen?"

The woman grinned and handed me a black sharpie. I signed the cover for her, and gave her a side hug, Lewy was still clinging to me. She thanked me a bunch of times before I left, of course I thanked her back.

"We're gonna go pick up Benji and then we're gonna go home, alright?"

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, sniffling.

"You don't have to be sorry, Lew. I would've hit him too."

"I wish mommy was here."

"Me too. She would've killed that lady."

Lewy laughed and hugged me tighter. I carried him easily, making my way to the pre-K classrooms.