Without You, I'm Just Me

Lewy sat on the counter while I cleaned up my face. He smiled at me, "I like that you hit him, daddy."

I hissed as I dabbed disinfectant over a cut above my cheek, "Yeah, me too."

"Were you scared?"

"Nah," I shook my head, "I was mad."

"Mommy was mad, too, huh?"

"Yeah. I tried to help, bud."

"You hit him," he grinned, "I'm really happy you did that."

"Well, ya'know, Lew, you shouldn't hit anyone. Especially girls, you never hit a girl."

"How come? Cuz they're cute?"

I laughed, placing a bandage on my cheek, "Yep, girls are too beautiful to be hit, especially mommies."

"Can I hit boys?"

"Only if they hit you first or if they're doing something really mean."

"Okay."

I checked over my face, no more cuts. "Does your tummy still hurt?"

Lewy shook his head, "I'm just hungry."

I smiled and tossed away the trash from the bandages and looked over my hand, "I'll make somethin' when I'm done...Ashlee should be home soon."

"Daddy, do ya love her?"

I looked at him again, lying slightly, "Yeah...I do."

"Do you love mommy?"

"I love mommy a lot, Lew...more than I can tell you."

"Can you make mommy come here and we live here?"

I tweaked my lips, "I wish I could, Lew, but mommy is very stubborn and she doesn't want to live here."

"Cuz of Robert," he stated.

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"Can I live here?"

I sighed, "Mommy would cry all the time if you lived here, you know she loves you and that you live with her in Chicago."

He frowned and crossed his arms, "'S not fair."

I winced at the cut across my knuckle, "I know, Lewis, I wish it was fair. We'd all be very happy."

I cleaned up my swollen hand and picked Lewy off the counter and set him on his feet. He and I walked back into the living room where Benji was sleeping. Lewy sat beside him; I went to the kitchen to cook them grilled cheese. While I did this, Ashlee came home; she came into the kitchen and gasped when she saw me. I looked up at her, "It's not as bad as it looks...it just hurts a lot more than it looks."

"What happened to you?" She rushed over to me and cupped my cheeks.

I grabbed her wrists gently and removed her hands from my face, setting them down, "I got in a fight with someone, ain't no big deal."

"Why?" Ashlee frowned deeply,

"It's...hard to explain. I'm fine, the kids are fine, nothing to get upset about."

"Okay," she breathed, "Why are your kids here? I thought Naomi got off at 5?"

"Nah, they're, uh, staying with us for awhile...they like it over here than staying with Rob all day."

She smiled, "Thats cool. That also gives me an idea," she closed in on me, "Maybe we should try for a baby."

I shook my head, "Not yet. I can barely get a handle on 2, plus you just got that job for that show, right? Lets just see how things go."

She frowned again, but it didn't last, "You're right. You know, you shouldn't give them grilled cheese for dinner."

"They're kids, they don't eat that much anyway."

"Alright," she hummed.

I finished the sandwiches and returned to the living room. Lewy began to eat his; I woke up Benji and gave him bits to eat. He was more interested in sleeping than eating, but he ate. He snuggled in my lap, resting his head against my chest. Lewy sat beside me, I put my arm around his shoulder after he finished eating; I kept them both close to me, all I wanted to do was protect them.

I wish I could protect Naomi, too.


The shit Rob said echoed in my ears. I could only think about the things I had done to Naomi and wondered if my cheating was really worse than him hitting her. All the times I cheated, I always felt numb to actually sleeping with a girl.

The girls meant nothing and I was either really stoned out of my mind or drunk. I only slept with girls to keep me warm at night when I missed Naomi. I was always homesick, and she was what I was homesick for; lonely nights, us alone together in her bedroom when her dad didn't know. Or I begged to be in the apartment we shared where I'd find her on our bed, catching up on school work. I was homesick for the familiar scents of her, her perfume, her natural scent that stained her skin, even the minty taste of her spit when she kissed me.

I missed that more than I had ever missed anything. I tried capturing it with other girls, but all I taste was cigarettes and alcohol. No one tastes or feels like Naomi, I never even came close to a duplicate and it infuriated me.

I often think about the moment I met her. The way I spoke to her and the fact I didn't stutter when I spit out a line to get her to notice me. I was afraid she'd see how much of a little boy I was inside and that I covered it up with tattoos, cutting myself and popping pills. I wasn't anything more than just a stupid kid who wanted in her pants. I didn't want to fuck her after she spoke to me, because she was the first girl who didn't blush and didn't immediately offer her number or ask to see me again.

Naomi didn't want me at first and I loved that. But, it scared the hell out of me. I just didn't know what to do with a girl like her.

So, I tried to make her like me. I gave her pills, I gave her drinks, I took her to parties. Still, she came out as she is, as she raised herself to be and I was addicted to that. The moment she kissed me, she killed me. She won me over and I was a goner before she even laid her lips on mine.

When we expressed our true feelings for one another, I felt an obligation to protect her. She was family immediately, I love her, my family loves her, so she was ours the moment we said "I love you" to each other. It was sealed with a kiss long ago, so it was only a matter of time before we got together.

I tried to tread as lightly as I could when I was with her. I was high most of the time, so I wasn't as delicate as I should've been. I just wanted to make her happy, make her feel good; I wanted to replace all the bad inside of her.

The things Seth did to her haunted me for awhile. I would lie in my bed and think of him holding her down and touching her while she cried. I thought about how he choked her and how defenseless she was. When she came to me begging for me to touch her to get Seth "off" of her, it broke my heart, but I did it to appease her; because I was so in love with her, I would've done anything she asked me to. I still would do anything she asks, except turn a blind eye.

I wish more than anything I had married her when she got pregnant the first time. Even if it was because of her being pregnant; I was entirely in love with her, I would've married her just for loving her so damn much. I truly believe she's my soulmate; since I thought this way, I only wanted to help her feel better. I didn't know the pills were hurting her, I didn't even know she was pregnant when I made her take all those pain killers. It was my fault, but that dude pushing her into a moshing crowd just sped up the heart break.

Losing the baby was terrible; I still curse myself for it. It was my fault, I don't care what anyone says, I was the one who messed up. I don't think I seen Naomi so upset before then, not until years later. I never mean to hurt her, but I always end up doing so, and it's the worst habit. I tried to do right, I really tried to, but trouble seems to follow wherever I go.

Even when Lewis was born, I couldn't get straight. My mom had said I should've learned after him, because I wasn't any better when Benji was born. It's hard to believe I was even myself when he was born; I was all fucked up, I was with Ashlee, screwing her to get over being rejected by Naomi again. I was trying to forget that I slept with Kate and the fact that Naomi finally knew. It wasn't any relief off me, because, when I should've felt guilt, I felt no remorse.

Sleeping with Kate felt like nothing. I don't even remember it. All I can recall was her hand on my chest, trailing down to my jeans and me shoving 6 blue pills down my throat. That's when it gets hazy; we fucked and I left, returning to my parents to wash her spit and sweat off me. The next time we fucked was after Naomi dumped me for the millionth time; again, I was drunk and high, trying to forget her. Kate was there, whining about her problems and I took her into the bathroom of the Metro and fucked her.

That one stayed with me; it was like flashes that replayed a lot. I truly regret it. I only did it to forget and to get back at Naomi.

When Naomi found out, I was sorry and fuckin' nervous. I never felt so damn remorseful in my life, even if I didn't show it. But, Naomi deserved to know that Kate never really cared about her. You should've heard her talk, saying all kinda of things that only I heard. Kate complained about Naomi, I did the same, telling her how Naomi didn't want to end up like her.

Kate had laughed, "Well, I'm glad I fucked you then. Give the bitch some karma for talking behind my back."

I didn't care then, and I should have.

Naomi is possibly the sweetest girl I ever had a relationship with. Even after all the shit her mom put her through, Naomi still managed to be kind, sweet and see the good in people. I think I warped her ideal of people, especially after dropping the ball with Kate and ruining our friendship with Chris and Babette.

The last time I saw them was way back before Benji was born. When everyone found out about me and Kate. Me and Chris got into an argument and Babette said she wasn't gonna talk to me or Naomi anymore. I don't think they talk at all. That was all my fault and I'm very sorry for it.

The things I wanted to say to Naomi was overwhelming. Yet, if I do manage to sit her down, the words wouldn't come out as fluently as they flow in my head. Most of the single word that vibrates is "sorry" because I'm more sorry than I can express. But it doesn't mean a thing to her. I broke the trust, so sorry has no meaning; I truly wish it did.


I woke up to my phone ringing. I was lying in my bed, Ashlee beside me. I rolled over and saw my phone there, vibrating and ringing. I picked it up, seeing my mom's picture there; "Hey Ma," I spoke tiredly.

"Hey, son," she sounded rough, as if she'd been crying, "How are you?"

I sat up immediately, "I'm fine, mom. What's wrong?"

She sniffled, "It's silly...um, last night Pandora died."

My brows shot up, "Oh...wow, I'm sorry mom. What happened?"

"Old age," she sniffed, "I just feel bad...we got her for you when you were, what, 13?"

"Yeah," I breathed, "Damn."

"I had to call you, I hope I didn't bother you."

"Nah, no, mom it's fine. I'm glad you called," I got out of bed carefully, "I'm so sorry about Pandora."

"I can tell something else is bothering you, son, what's going on?" Her motherly tone kicked in now.

I went down the stairs to get to my office, "I really need to talk to you about something that I need you to keep to yourself."

She let out a small sigh, "You've got it."

I sat down in my computer chair and swerved around in it, "Mom, Naomi is...being abused."

"What?" She exclaimed, "What do you mean?"

"Lewis has been telling me that Rob yells at her and he saw Rob hit her once. I seen bruises on her arm and I can see that she really is keeping it to herself. I'm scared for her."

"Pete, maybe you've got it wrong," my mom couldn't believe it, "I mean, Rob is a sweetheart and it's hard to believe--"

I cut her off, "No, ma, I talked to him yesterday and he was just so damn cocky about everything. We got into a fight."

"Did you hit him?"

"Yes, he hit me back. It was all so messed up; Naomi came in and broke it up and I just..." I trailed, "I tried to tell her that I couldn't stand by and watch her get abused and I didn't want our kids to see it or be abused too."

"Oh, son," she sighed, "You know, I told you to clean up years ago, Pete. I told you to get yourself together and to marry Naomi, did I not?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"If you had listened to me, Naomi, Lewis and Benjamin wouldn't be in this predicament," she stated, "We told you countless times, Pete, to marry her. You told me how much she meant to you and how much you love her, and I don't understand why you never asked her."

"Because I'm no good for Naomi, ma. She needs--"

"You! You were all she wanted, son, how blind are you?"

I sighed, "I was...stupid and I regret it."

"You've got yourself into a big mess, Pete," she paused, "You know we like Ashlee, but really, what were you thinking about continuing the marriage after she lied to you?"

"I'm not even sure why," I mumbled.

"You really need to think things over before Naomi does something she regrets," my mom hummed quietly, "Are you having the boys over today?"

"Yeah, but Naomi's having cake and stuff at her place."

"I'm telling you, Pete, really do something before it's too late."

"I will," I said shortly.

"Okay...tell Benji and Lewis that I love them."

"Will do."