Without You, I'm Just Me

Naomi slept with half her body on mine. Her arms were wrapped around me and my hand was running up and down her back. The house was quiet; my mom was cooking and my dad had gone to meet a client. Lee had called and said he would bring the boys just after dark, so me and Naomi were gonna be alone for a bit. She hadn't moved, I just held her there, thinking about everything.

Finally, she sat up and yawned, "What time is it?"

I shrugged, "Dunno."

"The boys here yet?"

"Nah, your dad's gonna bring them over soon."

Naomi rubbed her eyes and then slumped back against the pillows beside me. I rolled over on my side to look at here; she was looking at the wall, deep in thought, she just stated off. I put my arm around her waist, "How you feelin'?" I asked her.

She shrugged, "Tired. I miss our bed."

"Me too."

"What did I do to deserve all of this?" Naomi muttered. "I don't understand why this is happening to us."

"Me either."

My responses were quiet and not at all comforting. Naomi was lost in her own mind, she didn't speak, and I didn't know what to say. So, I laid my head on her stomach, causing her to giggle, "Aw, Peter."

I exhaled contently as he fingers threaded through my hair. I hugged her middle, getting comfortable, "You're so soft."

Naomi giggled again, "Thanks, I like to hear that."

"No wonder Benji loves to sleep on you."

She scoffed, "He likes the cushioning and being small."

As we laid there in silence, I was sure we were both gonna fall asleep soon, but Naomi started to hum. I knew the tune, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I listened to her hum until she started to sing the words, "Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am clean again. However far away, I will always love you, however long I stay, I will always love you..." She started to hum again.

"What song is that?" I asked her.

"Lovesong by the Cure. I can't remember the words," she exhaled.

"I think Robert Smith had his own Naomi back in the day to write a song like that."

I looked up and caught her rolling her eyes. I smiled and moved to sit up, "Why are you rolling your eyes?"

"Because you're always kissing my ass."

I smirked, "I'm just sayin', Navy. I wrote a lot of love songs about you and I always think guys who write their own must've been in love with a girl like you."

Naomi smiled now, "You're sweet, babe."

"I'm bein' honest with you."

She leaned over and kissed my lips sweetly, her hands cupping my cheeks. She broke away, her thumbs rubbing at my cheeks, "I love you."

I rubbed her clothes hip, "I love you too."

She bit at her lip, "I was thinking...maybe we should move away from Wilmette for a little while."

I sat up as her palms dropped and she continued to look at me with her teeth still gripping her bottom lip. My brows rose slight, "Where to?"

Her head tilted, her teeth released her lip, "You're not gonna ask why?"

I had a few thoughts as to why; "With all the drama, I think that would be why."

She gave a nod, "I think it would be best for us to get away for a little while...I don't know where. Maybe New York, when I sign my contract."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I've been thinking about it for awhile now."

"You're sure about this, babe?" I asked her.

Naomi nodded again, "I'm positive. I know that it's all so sudden, but I don't want to be here anymore."

"What about our house?"

"We can fix it, sell it and find a nice apartment in New York, yeah? I mean, I want to do whatever you want to do, too Pete. If you don't think it's a good idea, then tell me."

I didn't know. All that was going through my mind was the fact that Naomi wanted to get away.

"I want whatever makes you and the boys comfortable and happy, Navy," I told her.

She smiled, "Are you okay with going to New York? You want the band to reform, and--"

I stopped her, "Navy, we'll figure it out soon. There's no rush."

She exhaled, "Sorry, I'm just excited and I'm worried...there's a lot going through my head right now."

"Like what?"

"I can't believe we're married..." She trailed, her eyes meeting mine. "10 years ago I didn't really know you and it feels like it was all a million years ago that we met, but it was only 10 years ago. And I never met anyone who I knew would leave such a staple on my life and I never expected you to."

"It feels like we've been married," I said.

"We should have, despite everything," she murmured. "I probably would've divorced you."

We both laughed, "That's what I didn't want to happen," I told her.

"Who knows, you've gotten me to change my mind a lot back then, I probably wouldn't have. But even if I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have married you. This seems like the right time, but at the same time, I really wish I had married you a long time ago."

"Yeah, me too."

"I'm kinda nervous about leaving Chicago, too," she murmured now. "I'm afraid to leave my dad and my mom and Abbey. I hope this'll work out."

"It will," I assured her. "We just need to work everything out before we go."

She looked at me again, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I nodded, "Yep, very sure."

She kissed my cheek, "Thanks."


Over the next several days we stayed at my parents. It was tough getting used to my parents little routine so early in the morning. My dad was usually up first at 5:30AM, and he made coffee and hummed to himself that we could hear. That usually woke Benji up, he woke up Naomi and thus Naomi woke me up. Lew was the only one who slept through it all until 7 when we all usually got up for the boys to go to school.

After breakfast and dropping the boys off, Naomi and me were settling with the insurance and finding a realtor through Amy. Naomi had talked to Mia and found out she had a lot of new shoots lined up in Los Angeles than New York, which she had one shoot at. Naomi looked so reluctant to think about moving there, but I assured her it would be okay.

Telling the boys we're moving from Wilmette was a little hard. At first they thought we meant somewhere else in Chicago or Illinois, but we told them LA. Benji was the first to make a face and say, "Why? Ashlee's there!"

Naomi almost fell off the couch because she was laughing so hard. I rolled my eyes at her, but I laughed too. Naomi smoothed it over once she stopped laughing, "I'm gonna do a lot of jobs there and it'll be easier if we lived there. It'll be fun, boys! We can always come back and visit everyone."

"What about Papa? 'Nd Amy, 'nd Abbey?" Lewy asked.

"I have to talk to Papa too and tell him. I'm sure they'll be happy for us."

"What about Rae and Ricky?"

"We'll visit them and they'll visit us for your birthdays, I promise."

Benji smiled, "Okay. I wanna go."

Lewy was hesitant, "Promise we'll come back?"

Naomi smiled at him, "I promise we'll come back. We'll visit everyone and everyone will visit us."

Lewy nodded slowly, "Okay mom."

Naomi had pulled him to her, "I love you bubba."

He groaned, "Mom!"

In between the days I hung out with Patrick, hinting at the fact that we should reform, but I didn't want to say it bluntly. I was kinda afraid to, you know? I knew he was working on more solo music and I didn't want to put pressure on him. Andy was a different story; he was quiet, he kept to himself more than he usually did, and I wasn't sure what it meant. I tried talking to him, but he seemed in a funk; I knew the signs and I didn't know what to say to him.

I'm terrible at words when I have to speak.

So my ideas for more FOB shit was just in my head. A faint happening, a dream like before...like 10 years ago. Naomi had told me to push it, but I couldn't. This could make them all hate me for bringing it up, or they could jump for fucking joy and tell me why didn't I bring it up sooner. Still, I kept it all in my head.


The beginning of March, Naomi headed out to New York for a week to sign her contract and do a reunion shoot. Me and the boys stayed back so they could go to school and I can finish up the deal with the house. Lee's construction company was the one that was gonna fix up the garage and living room. They had already gutted it, my car was beyond fucked, only the wheels survived, and we had to move all of our stuff out and put into storage. All of it had been moved out by the time Naomi left.

I had to meet with the realtors and set up everything. I wished Naomi had been there because she knows everything, I didn't know shit. She did leave me with some instructions and things to remember. Fuck, she was like my mom, honestly, but I was happy to heed her instructions and do what she said. She knows everything and I love that about her.

After all the mess, I picked up the boys and then hung out with Patrick and Andy. Benji and Lew played video games while Patrick and me talked and he played music for me. I was tempted then to tell him about the lyrics I came up with, instead I asked about his girlfriend; "Where's your girl?"

Patrick blushed, "Sabrina's at work."

I looked around, "Where Hurley Burley?"

Patrick muted his music, "Dude, can I ask you about him?"

I raised a brow, "What's up?"

"Somethin's up with him," he muttered, "I think he's depressed."

I nodded, "I kinda noticed."

"I don't know what it is," Patrick went on, "he went out to buy some food. He told me he was gonna go see his mom this weekend."

"Should we talk to him?" I asked dumbly.

"Yeah," Patrick nodded, "I think we should. He's been down and I tried to talk to him, but you know how that is."

I knew what it was like to be depressed. Who hasn't been depressed? Who hasn't felt hopeless? You don't really wanna talk about that shit going through your head. You don't want anyone to know you hated yourself more than anything else in life.

I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone.

"I'll talk to him when he gets back," I told Patrick. "I'm sure he'll be okay."

Patrick put his trust in me. I had to talk to my friend, I wanted to know what was going on. I love him, he's my brother, I don't want him to be depressed.

I thought he should be the first to know I wanted to bring FOB back.


Andy took off to Milwaukee before I could talk to him. Patrick and me missed him by a day. He had gone to the apartment, packed a suitcase and took a train to his mom's. I called him, left him a message, "Yo, Hurley Burley," I chuckled, "I missed you at Rickster's and I wanted to see what's been happenin'. Shit's been hectic, but you know I've always got time to talk to you guys. There's somethin' I wanna talk to you about, it's not that important, but I...I thought--I think you should be the first to hear it. Call me when you can, peace brother."

Andy didn't call me back until the weekend and Naomi had flown back. She was sleeping on the couch while my mom cooked and my dad played with the boys. I hung out upstairs, putting away Naomi's clothes; "Hurley, what's up?"

Andy was quiet for a minute, "You called me, Wentz."

I chuckled, "I'd rather talk in person."

"I...uh, I'm not comin' back till Tuesday. Really, I don't even wanna come back. I'm thinkin' of staying here with the crew."

"I understand, Andy, whatever you think's best."

He sighed, "I'm...I'm not feelin' too good, Pete."

I sat on the bed, "No one is at the moment. Patrick's unsure about his music, Joe's the same. Me and Navy lost our house; if you ain't a little depressed then I would be surprised."

Andy got quiet again, I could hear him breathing a little heavily. He finally exhaled, "Nah, this...this isn't a little depression, Pete...I went to the house...I...was in the basement with my equipment and some...some guns are down there..."

He stopped talking and my heart began to race.

"Andy, please don't do that," I spat out. "You...you..." I couldn't think of anything to say.

"I'm not," he murmured sadly. "I was. I came to say goodbye to my mom and...I saw her and I couldn't do it. I'd miss her too much and she'd miss me."

"Do you want me to come down there? Me and the boys and Naomi?"

"No, no, I'm okay now. I just wanna stay here for a little while. I'm staying at my mom's, not the house."

I felt a little better. Just a little.

"Hey, when me and Navy get a house in LA, you should come stay with us, you're welcomed to. We'd want you to, my little dudes love you."

He chuckled, "Yeah, of course. I just need to get my head straight."

"You should call me when you need anything, alright? I'll pick up, drive or fly if you need me."

"Thanks, Wentz."

"Yeah, no problem, Andy."