Without You, I'm Just Me

"Pete, c'mere! Look what dad sent!"

I was down in the basement with Andy setting up his drums when Naomi called me. Andy waved me off, "I got it, man."

I jogged upstairs, heading to the living room where Naomi and the boys were. Her dad was supposed to send us some stuff he had of hers from our first apartment. It had been in the basement and he was cleaning it out; I didn't know what it was, I guessed it was probably some old pictures and clothes.

"Daddy is that you?" Benji held up the cover of our first Alternative Press magazine cover.

"Yeah," I knelt on the floor, "this was the first time me and the guys were on a magazine cover."

"Look," Naomi cooed, holding up a book, "this is Lewy's baby book. Grandma Dale wrote it out for us, your name is on the cover, and that's a picture of you before you were born."

I looked at the baby book with Lew's name written across it with his sonogram photo on it. Lew had made a face, "That was me?"

"All babies look like that," she told him, "Benji's is downstairs with daddy's books."

Naomi went through the book, pulling out a bunch of stuff from 7-8 years ago. Books and notepads, notebooks and scraps of paper I had written her were in there. Old Polaroids and throw away camera photos; it was nostalgic, all the stuff even smelt the same. She had magazines, clippings of us when we were just starting out, she even had our first demo tape, the actually tape that only Hey Chris had made 25 copies of, and he had like 20 of them. She even had old posters, bills, set lists and picks.

"I can't believe you kept this stuff," I muttered as she continued to show the boys everything.

"Hey, I knew you were gonna be famous and if you left me behind, I could've made a fortune on eBay," she said nonchalantly.

"That's not funny," I frowned at her.

She smirked jokingly, "I wasn't tryna be funny."

I shook my head and laughed, "What're you gonna do with this stuff?"

"I'm gonna open a Fall Out Boy museum," she answered simply.

"I can't wait for that. Who would come?"

"All of your loyal fans," she teased.

"You and Andy."

She scoffed, "You forgot your two other loyal fans!"

I laughed when she pointed to the boys, who were both engrossed in pictures of me and Naomi. Benji giggled at the picture he was looking at and held it up, "Daddy, you had pink hair?"

Lewy laughed, "I remember that picture!"

"It was for an experiment," I told him.

"He wanted to see if he could get a boyfriend," Naomi kidded.

Benji frowned as he looked at me, "What about mommy?"

I smiled, "Whadda mean?"

"Mommy was ya girlfriend 'nd you wanted a boyfriend too?!"

"Mommy's kidding, Benny."

Naomi laughed softly, "Daddy just loved the color pink. And he used to turn all of my shirts and pillows pink, it was annoying."

"Can I have green hair?" He asked with a smile.

Naomi shook her head, "Not until you're older."

After they finished looking at everything, the boys went to play outside with Bear. Naomi began to gather the pictures and the magazine's together, "Navy, what're you gonna do with all that stuff?"

"Frame it," she said with a shrug, "what'd you think I was gonna do?"

"I dunno."

"I'm keeping this stuff, because when they indict you guys into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, they won't have to find that I Heart Bingo hat and one of your basses, they can have all of this."

I laughed, "You really think that?"

"I know it," she kissed my cheek before she stood, "now help me carry this stuff to the dining room."

Naomi made me go back and help Andy after I helped her with the box. I went back down and helped Andy finish up; though he was nearly done. After that, we went back upstairs and hung out, laughing it up with the boys while Naomi was looking at everything.

When the kids got hungry, Andy ordered his favorite vegetarian pizza and took the boys to go pick it up. I went to find Naomi, and I was surprised that she wasn't in the dining room anymore. I called out, "Navy?"

"I'm upstairs, I'll be down to eat in a sec," she called back.

I jogged up there, going to our room. There she was, fresh from the shower, her hair up, black tank top and black yoga pants. I sat down beside her, against the end of the bed frame, "What're you looking at now?" I saw she had a red notebook, so I was curious. It wasn't mine, it was hers because it had Lisa Frank animal stickers on it and it wasn't as worn out as mine.

Naomi held up a page to me, "You wrote this to me."

I was slightly confused and took it, holding it and reading it. I didn't read it out loud: For whatever reason, it seems like we're against love. Everyone. People think love equates to weakness, or gullibility, or an unwillingness to deal with reality, so they try to ruin it, the social scientist and the admen, with studies and lingerie shows and boxes of candy. They try to invalidate it, dirty it up, but they can't, because people in love know the truth. They know love is good and pure and really the most beautiful thing in the world. They know love is greater than anything, greater than God. At first, I didn't believe it, but I do now. You made me realize it. Being away from you has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I am shaking and sweating. I am going into withdrawal. I need you. You are my blood.

I want to protect you from all of this. When it's all over, I want to run away with you and never come back. I want to be buried in the ground with you. It's the only way we can keep this pure and beautiful, I'm afraid. We have to stay away from this whole life. We have to be normal. We have to get married and move to our own piece of paradise. Our love can't survive like this, no matter how hard we try. I'm quitting the band. I'm coming home. I need you.

"Whoa," I mumbled to myself.

I couldn't believe I wrote that. It was in my weird handwriting with scribbles and the way I wrote Naomi in the corner really gave it away. Her handwriting is a lot smaller and looks more calculated and timed than mine is.

"I never read that before," she murmured.

It started to come to me as I read it again; "The Super 8 motel didn't have internet access and my phone was dead...I was homesick, and..." I was trailing because it came too fast for my mouth to catch up.

"This is sweet," she said softly, "it's just like you, all ramble-y and so like you 10 years ago."

"It was back in 2003," I told her, "or 2004...it was before Cork Tree."

"Would you have quit the band?" She asked.

I shrugged, "I dunno. I only remember coming home and spending the weekend in bed with you. I was gonna ask you to marry me, but I didn't have a ring and I didn't have the guts to mean it without making a joke."

"Yeah, well it's all over now. Things turned out different...but we're happy now and I want to keep this note, along with the others, forever. Maybe I'll make a scrapbook," she smiled.

I thought back on it all, how fucked up I was. How I tried to kill myself, it all made me cringe. Then I thought about how Naomi went through the same thing, the last 3 years had been the same for her, like when I was on drugs.

"We're perfect for each other," I mumbled to myself.

Naomi scooted closer and wrapped her arm around my waist, "Yeah, we are."

My stomach warmed, feeling closer to her than I ever had. There was so much I ever felt for her and I wish I could've told her way back then. I have no excuses for the way I used to be, I was stupid and I don't know why I never told her everything, why I never brought her with me. If I had, maybe we wouldn't be here, maybe we wouldn't have Benji, maybe even Lewy.

"I love you, Navy," I told her softly.

"I love you, too, Pete," she kissed my cheek softly, repeatedly till she got to my lips. "I want the entire world to know."

I smiled at that, "You should just keep me to yourself."

"I am and I will. I won't ever let you go again."


Naomi had put up the covers of magazines up on the hall, and she kept the notes I wrote her in a little box in the shape of a coffin with Jack and Sally drawn on it. She actually drew it, and it looks awesome; and she put my necklace in there, since I had broken the latch off of it.

Everyday, she put her's on and didn't take it off until she had to shower, or if she went swimming with the boys.

When Naomi would leave, I missed her like I had missed her when I was on tour. Even with the boys there, I felt lost without her, like a piece of myself was missing. I missed her a lot, it was kinda pathetic, I couldn't wait until she came back.

Right before we were to head to Fashion Week in New York, the boys had school off the summer, and Andy was heading back to Milwaukee, so we decided to bring the boys with us. We packed and got little Bear a dog kennel for the flight. Nearly every minute we were on the plane, one of the boys would ask if Bear was okay. They even called the stewardess to see if they he was okay; lucky for us, the flight wasn't that long.

We landed, got our things, got Bear, dodged photographers and got to the hotel just before the sunset. The hotel we stayed at was the Hilton, pet friendly; we were on the first floor, there was a back porch that Bear could hang out at, and immediately Lewy and Benji let Bear go, that's exactly where he ran, so we let the boys play out there.

Naomi was putting the bags in the room while I called Joe up. I was kinda nervous; he didn't pick up at first, Marie answered, "Hey Pete, what's up?"

"Hey Marie," I stood watching the boys from the living area, "is Joe 'round?"

"He's getting coffee with Louis," she giggled, "must've forgot his phone. He should be back any second."

"I'll call--"

She cut me back, "Oh, wait, he's here, hold on."

I exhaled and waited a few seconds, "What's up, Pete, dude?"

"You busy? We're here...in Manhattan actually. I wanted to bring the boys by to come see you."

"You wanna grab dinner? Marie and I were just about to head out to eat."

"That sounds great actually," I nodded to myself, "uh, after though, can I talk to you? It's not urgent or weird or anything, I just wanted to talk."

"Yeah, sure. We can come back to mi casa and chill!"

I smiled at his funny voice now, "Cool. Where do you wanna eat at?"

"There this cool little Italian place near by, I'll text you the address. What time do you wanna meet? We wanna go at like 7."

I looked at the time on my phone; it was 2 hours from then, "That's cool, we're gonna wash the boys up."

"Alright, see you then."

I hung up with Joe and got the address, placing it on the map app on my phone. Naomi emerged from the bedroom in a tank top and jogging sweats, "You wanna order room service?" She asked.

"We're gonna meet Joe and Marie in 2 hours at this Italian restaurant, is that okay?"

She nodded, "Yeah, that's great. I'll get the boys ready."

Naomi and I called the boys in and got them into the bath. After, we dressed them and got them ready; Benji was fussing with his hair, "I need'a haircut," he grumbled.

"Wait till you see Uncle Joe," I told him, "he has a lot more hair than you."

Benji giggled, "I remember!"

Naomi tied his hair back, "How's that?"

"Can I wear a hat?" He asked then.

Naomi hummed and went to my bag, grabbing my Bulls hat. She adjusted it and put it on Benji's head, "Better?"

"Better."

The boys were ready; we gave Bear some food and water and set him out on the back porch. We headed out, taking a taxi nearly all the way across town to the restaurant. It wasn't that far, but it did take nearly 45 minutes to get there. Once we arrived, we spotted Marie and Joe heading up; Benji rushed over, "Hi Joe!"

Joe picked him up, "What's up, dude? Love the cap."

"It's dad's," he told him.

Joe set him down, as we approached; we hugged and said hey before we went in and got a table. We got one near the back, immediately after ordering wine, Naomi and Marie began to talk. Joe and Benji talked a bit about Star Wars before he looked over at me, "What's going on, Pete? You look kinda anxious."

"Just a lot of stuff I wanna talk to you about."

He looked around, gulping down some beer, "Like what?"

I sighed softly, "It has to wait," I told him.

He cocked a brow, "Uh, okay. Hey, keep October 29th open."

"What for?"

Just as I said that, Naomi cooed; I looked over and saw Marie holding up her left hand, "You're getting married!"

I chuckled, "Congrats, Trohman! About time."

He rolled his eyes, smiling, "You've been with Naomi longer than I've been with Marie. Anyway, we're keeping it small...you, Hurley, Stump, Doug, Dirty, Marcus and a few others are invited, plus our family."

"That's great, dude, I can't wait."

"Thanks. I've just been feeling...like time isn't on my side, not in a depressing way," he laughed, gulping more beer. "I mean, I just don't wanna wait, I'm not getting any younger."

"I know what you mean, I'm happy for you."

"Yeah, well, I shoulda done it awhile back. But, fuck it, now or never."

I was extremely excited by his enthusiasm. This could actually work.

I could barely hold my composure throughout dinner. My kids kept the energy going, kept the smile on Joe's face. After dinner, we split the bill and followed them to their brownstone.

Benji and Lew played with his dog, Louis. Joe had joked, "The dog was named Louis before I adopted him, Lew."

So, while Naomi and Marie talked and watched the boys, Joe took me to his room of guitars. I stood by, listening to him tell me about his band, With Knives. I was starting to get nervous, he was like a kid telling me about his favorite things, and it was hard to tell how he'd feel about the reunion.

"Alright," he said, pushing one of his desk chairs towards me, "tell me your giant secret. You and Navy having another baby?"

I sat and shook my head, "Nah, man, it's not that..."

Joe sat too, pulling one of his squires into his lap and strummed it absentmindedly, "What is it then?"

I licked over my lips, "Uh...I was talking to Andy about ending the hiatus...he's all for it, like I am. Then I talked to Patrick, he's in too. All that's left is you...I didn't wanna bring it up over the phone because this is important. It's about us, you know, what makes us happy; the 3 of us aren't happy, and we wanna do this on our own, if you're in, and just see if we can actually make something that's new and for us."

Joe looked at me with a slight surprise look to his face. His lips were turned down and I wasn't sure how to take it at all. I waited and waited, it felt like hours, but I think it was really a minute.

"You wanna reunite?" He asked slowly.

I nodded, "Me, Andy and Patrick. We want to do it if you want to, too. This is about the four of us, dude, not about the money or to get everyone to stop lagging on us about coming back. Andy...he's been going through a lot of stuff, Patrick too, and I thought that maybe this could help us all focus and do what we do best."

Joe took another minute, thinking. He then smiled, almost kinda like a smirk; "Okay. I'll do it."

I furrowed my brow, "That's it?"

Joe shrugged, "Yeah, I don't have shit going on and I fuckin' miss touring."

"We don't wanna just promise an album and tell everyone right now, we wanna keep it a secret. We want to come back and announce it when we feel the time is right and when we're back how we used to be."

Joe nodded, "Yeah, that sounds so fuckin' awesome. When do we start."

I laughed and nearly jumped on him.